Not Fucking Around

Another post?

Because I can't seem to do anything...

I'm either getting really bad advice mixed with my own paranoia, or...I don't want to consider the alternative.

Mister J is just trying to protect me, but he's validating my own fears.

It's not that he doesn't like Kuma-kun, he just doesn't want to see me get hurt by another guy.

And I'm already kinda hurt....

Kuma-kun is barely talking to me and I'm having more emotional distress over our sex life.

When I spent the night with him I just wanted to go to sleep, but I felt like he wanted to do other shit...so I gave in.

I'm too goddamn complacent about these things.

This is making me feel like he's just another guy who just wants sex from me.

I'm really upset over it, because I honestly wanted to wait longer in general for all this stuff.

I feel like I've fucked myself over again.

Sad kitten.

Also how is he so busy, like what the Hell is he doing, that he has so little time to send me a quick message?

It's not only that, his energy seems really different...even on Saturday it seemed a little off.

I can't fucking figure it out.

Is the honeymoon period over?

Is he merely stressed out?

Am I simply paranoid as all Hell due to my plethora of bad experiences?

My instinct as always is flight...

I'm ignoring that because I want this relationship to work, but I don't know what to do.

He's too busy for me to even talk to him about it.

So out of all the random people who decided to message me, Satan is the one who managed to cheer me up.

If nothing else he's always been there for me, for the smallest things even when we were fighting...even when he was being an asshole.

And that's why we're still friends....

But people like Satan and The Jester always cheer me up, because they understand my reclusiveness.

They have the same moods that I do, so they get it.

About Kuma-kun...I think he's even tired of hearing "I love you."

I told Mister J that I'm "over it."

He knows that's just my defenses going up, he told me that I have to learn to deal with relationships.

I would rather just put up some nice, solid walls...go back to being apathetic.

Have I arrived at detachment again?

Rather than suffer the agony of my own heart?

Hiding behind emotional defenses if far safer...

Mister J questioning all of Kuma-kun's motives is making me just a little crazy.

Because those are the same questions I ask upon entering any relationship.

I'm waiting for Kuma-kun to prove me wrong.

He's so full of lovely words...to console my mind.

But what about something tangible?

So far he's shown me that he's good at taking care of people, that he's busy often, and that he doesn't like to wait for sex.

Should I mention that it seems like most of his friends are girls?

*laugh*

Now that is probably my paranoia...since I'm not used to guys who have any female friends at all, well except the ones that they're trying to bone.

I can't figure out what is actuality, what is my past experiences, and what is simply typical paranoia.

Is this seriously what all girls go through?!

Because it's a fucking nightmare.