I still have Unloveable by The Smiths stuck in my head.
And my kooch is still bleeding...don't ask why...
Because I don't know why.
Should I be concerned?
This doesn't even seem normal.
I want more peach green tea...
I'm still reading about INTP personalities...I guess my preference for perceiving is only slightly higher than judging.
Oh, INTP stands for Introversion, iNtuition, Thinking, Perception.
It's one of sixteen personality types that a person can possibly fall under.
I used to be really emotional, I think it's funny that living with Mister J for the last couple of years just killed that part of my personality.
For example when I stole that Copper Sulphate from The Jester and tried to kill myself.
What I didn't tell anyone is that five minutes before I dumped the bottle down my throat, Satan had said something that made me cry.
Everyone asked what the trigger was...I lied obviously, because I was aware of my own stupidity.
Emotions are pointless.
I'm glad I no longer hold emotions in any sort of esteem, but disregarding them completely seems counterproductive.
I just remembered that the pink slip for Mister J's truck is still in my name.
It's ridiculous how much responsibility I got pinned with a few months ago.
And even after all my talk of clawing my way out from under, I'm still just waiting for things to happen.
So much has happened the last few years, I haven't really taken any time to think about all of it...
Because my life is always an endless stream of crazy, sometimes I just forget to take a step back.
Often my life feels surreal, because all the things that tend to happen are so abnormal.
"This can't really be my life, but how could this have even possibly happened."
I've been in a philosophical mood lately.
In a state of contrived happiness...
I'd assume that since no one is ever naturally happy, perhaps this is the best I could ask for.
And as always a definition suits my purposes better than real feelings.
'Happy; adj. Delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing.
Characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy.
Favored by fortune, fortunate or lucky.'
This proves that it's all just based on perception.
There's no concrete way to test joy or luck...
Well, I guess the brain does release chemicals that make a person happy, but it's all relative.
Emotions are counterintuitive to logic, but are still required to function in life.
I know these thought patterns are pretty atypical for my age and gender...
But I like myself better this way, and people are in a constant state of evolution.
There may come a point where I can find a balance between emotional and logical.
Why do I feel like I've been here before?
Because I'm pretty sure a couple of years ago I was sitting on Satan's couch with Catwoman, debating this idea of logos and pathos in my own head.
Had I voiced my thoughts out loud?
Satan would have just given me one of his looks...
And Catwoman would have probably stated something about how absolutely important emotions are.
She just never got it...
Neither of them did.
Why the Hell were they my friends for so many years?
Both of them just always pissed me off to the point of uncomfortable silences.
How did I never realize this before?
Because I was preoccupied with exuding cool...
*laugh*
Sunglasses and lots of eyeliner, a mask....
Laughing at the right moment, memorizing slang, trying to pretend that I could roll a blunt and do snaps without choking.
And drowning my liver in whiskey.
This is better though?
Detachment?
I'm happier without playing a part in a life that isn't my own.
I think Ivy wanted to give me a new nickname..."because Bunny is kinda old."
"Yeah, nobody calls me that anymore."
I remember when no one even knew my real name...
But I was always exhausted by playing a persona.
Never felt like my friendships were real, just in an endless state of feeling out of place in my own life.
How do I feel now?
I don't...
Feel anything.
All my feelings are more like side-effects of situations.
I'm not cold-hearted, but I really can't explain it.
*sigh*
We'll talk more about my presumed apathy later...
The personality test told me that the best romantic partner for me is an intuitive extrovert.
I can see how that would be the case, it makes perfect sense.
"Had to say I love you way too soon, but right there on your couch you loved me too."
Is it weird that I prefer Dan Andriano over Matt Skiba?
I just love his voice, and his songwriting invokes such strong emotions...
I mean Matt can write, but I feel like Dan's songs resonate more with me.
Although we all know that every single song on that one album made me cry my eyes out...not literally, but almost.
What album was it?
Maybe I'll Catch Fire...?
I can't remember.
I'm still going to get that tattoo, I'm determined that it should be my first one.
I'm sure there's always more to say, especially now that my sense of being out of time has dissipated...
The greatest realization that I've had is that life is quite long.
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