And I'm blogging at 2:00 am.
Why didn't I stay friends with the people that I could stay up late talking to?
I mean I remember when Southern Boy and I would talk all night.
Oh, that's right...I was a self-absorbed bitch in high school.
I keep forgetting how terrible of a person I actually was.
Not that Southern Boy and I haven't had a lot of problems related to many different situations.
But we always had that relationship where we could be honest when talking to each other.
Although I have to admit that he knew me before I hated everyone, back when I was a pill-popping social butterfly.
Like The Jester and Satan, he's been in my situation before...
He told me that instead of not trusting anyone, I should just take the chance and see if trusting people pays off.
Because my life is in what he called a "stalemate"
He also taught me how to say good morning in Russian, Dobroe utro.
He still owes me a burrito, I had forgotten until he mentioned it.
Satan wants me to start playing this game, it's free too...and it might actually work with my slow Internet.
I'm going to try it when I get back from Ivy's house.
I have to wake up in two hours, but I haven't slept yet.
Insomnia...
So this is what it's like to be on the other end of "too drunk to talk."
I feel sorry for every guy I've ever dated, because I was always too drunk/high to talk to any of them when they needed me.
Maybe this is karma....
I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to atone for my sins.
Not in a religious way, more like the universe hates me...so I'm trying to be all "threefold rule"
Unfortunately the universe still hates me...
And now I know what I put guys through, and this is awful, and I hate it.
Even if it's unintentional...
This is what it's like to have someone and still be completely alone.
I didn't understand it before....
This is why all the guys I ever dated wanted me to quit drinking and smoking weed.
I get it now.
Maybe I'm supposed to learn some fucked up lesson from all this.
This is seriously bothering me, to the point where I don't even care anymore.
But this isn't all of it.
I'm still fighting with my mom, actually I think she's ignoring me now.
For what reason?
I wasn't buying her bullshit.
And lawyers...more problems from my mother, I think if she was dead she would still find a way to screw me over.
There's more, I don't even really feel like talking about the rest of my life.
It's a mess...
Being alone in a house all the time isn't the most fantastic thing to ever happen to me.
I'm restless when I'm lonely.
And depressed....
Which is why I'm going to go spend three days with people that I don't even like.
It's weird that I'm more lonely with Kuma-kun in my life; I feel like he's supposed to be there, but isn't.
It doesn't make me feel any more inclined to be open about the things that go on in my life.
Actually I'm pretty much about to shut down all my emotions, it might be safer.
Look where that behaviour got Satan and The Jester though.
Which is why I'm trying to change.
Kuma-kun needs space, and I need to learn to be okay with being alone.
I can't solve any of my problems anyway, they're all out of my control.
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