Another Lonely Night

I'm redundant...

I haven't changed much, maybe I'm a little more apathetic.

A boy with green eyes told me once that only one person has to love you in order to have something to live for.

Really, we should all be living for ourselves, because in the end that's who you have to answer to.

I'm fucked up and pissed off.

And because I'm nineteen with nothing to do, I'm going to be as pissed off as I damn well please.

I'm not having mood swings, I still have hearts in my eyes at the moment.

I'm simply stating that you are the most important thing in your own life.

As for being pissed off; I'd rather be angry than depressed.

It's not serious.

I'm just not a complacent type of  person...

The world makes me mad, and maybe one of these days I'll finally do something about it.

We're all fucked, if anyone could do a damn thing about it then they damn well should.

I'm not always pissed off or overdosed on apathy...

Everyone used to complain that my mentality wasn't realistic enough, well this is realistic.

We've fucked ourselves over completely, I'm speaking of society.

This is why I need to get out of the country.

I say all the same shit on all these different days, maybe I should be setting records straight.

And changing the world...

Maybe being too idealistic isn't such a terrible thing.

So let's set this record straight.

Maybe.

Could I spend all this time delving deep into things that have no bearing on anything even remotely critical to my state of existence?

Where is the future in relation to the past?

I speak a lot about things that have happened...

There's no reason for it really.

The past seems more interesting than the present sometimes.

I'm playing a waiting game...

Waiting for something to happen.

But I'm not really sure where I'm going, moving forward in no particular direction.

I'm trying to evaluate things that are certain, but how is a person to judge what is truly certain about this world?

I toss my hair and say this and that...roll my eyes, smile vaguely...

I'm speaking bullshit to most people, most of the time.

Because I'm not really sure how to say, "fuck off."

Well, I did tell Satan to fuck off finally and literally.

I'm tired of him trying to tell me that we're fighting because of "sexual tension," we're fighting because he's an asshole who never admits when he's clearly wrong.

And after six years, fuck it...I don't want a friend like that.

I'd like to tell everyone to suck my nonexistent cock.

Because life doesn't go on forever and yesterday doesn't really matter.

If your husband told you that he wanted to sleep with your best friend even before you were married, then I have nothing for you.

Having yet another baby is not going to help.

And if you've spent the last year complaining that your boyfriend won't say he loves you, why are you still sleeping with him after you break up?

And when you screw every guy on the first date, even though he's telling you you're fat; then dump the bastard.

I'm not being judgmental, I just don't want to keep saying the same things I've said for years.

Should I be following my own advice?

For the most part I have...

This is honesty.

I need different friends obviously.

Because I can't deal with this shit anymore...

Maybe surrounding myself with people who are as fucked up as I am is just as bad for me as Mister J says it is.

How fucked up am I actually?

Who could be the judge and jury in my case of insanity?

I certainly don't feed into bullshit, I would rather everyone quit dodging questions and playing dumb...

I have my bad days, and I try not to talk to anyone on those days.

After all these years I know that I should take a walk, clear my head, on those days when even stars are ugly.

Therefore I'm the only person dealing with my particular brand of crazy.

Kuma-kun is literally the only person I've told about anything serious in probably two whole years.

For reasons still unknown to me...

Why would I be this honest with someone who I've known for such a brief expanse of time?

It's that electrifying connection, I'm stunned speechless half the time.

I've never experienced something like this, like real love.

I should reiterate that I'm not in love, but I do love him.

I feel like he deserves for me to try to fix myself.

Because I just sort of left myself broken for a long time, because I was tired....

I was okay with being broken, I was okay hating everything; I figured I would just live in solitude.

With my eccentricities and personal space, and many cats.

He deserves someone better than I am currently, but honestly I'm trying.

I've been attempting to sort out the past.

Trying to remedy my insecurities, my problems, my fears...

I can't fix everything fast enough, even simply to satisfy my own ambitions.

I know it will get better...

Everything changes eventually, and we all end up where we're meant to be.