If it's my decision, then maybe that's why I needed to be alone.
I didn't want it to be my decision, I wanted us to talk about it....really talk about it.
But I guess it didn't happen that way.
I don't know what's real these days, my mind isn't quite clear, sometimes I feel crazy.
Is it or is it not, crazy?
Meow.
Some days everything makes me sad, but I've always been like that.
And this is the secret account of my exploits.
But Ocean Beach and the infamous Voltaire?
Well, there's nothing for me here.
Just a bunch of faded memories.
The dust settled, kicked up after wandering a beaten path, "once upon a time" and "I've been here before"
And this is where we are now, walking familiar roads in a life that wasn't really ever mine.
Maybe that's why I always ran...
There's too many things I could say.
But there's nothing more really.
I became a slave to the drone of life.
The white noise in the background, it rules my life.

Wibbly Wobbly Shtuff

I saw Satan, for the first time in months, the other night.

He seems broken, and all I feel is pity for him.

Part of me will always love him, and seeing such a sad human being in front of me was....I don't know what words to use.

He seemed just a shell of his former self, gone is the cocky bad boy I came to know and love.

Some things about him will never change, but so much about him has changed completely.

Homelessness and life itself have taken their toll on him.

He's still with the same psycho girl, and she's as crazy as ever....I wonder if he regrets it.

I'll never know that answer to that, I've been trying to keep him out of my mind.

But it's so difficult, especially now that I've seen what his life has come to.

There will always be days that I miss him, but I have to move on with my life. 

And I have to be grateful, because no matter what happens I know that I pulled myself out of a life like that.

I rose out of the dysfunction and chaos that was my life, some days I still have pangs of depression that eat at my insides; but I guess when it comes down to the real shit, I rose above.

The Saddest Song

When did I even write last?

I'm sure it's been months...

I've been literally eating my feelings, too depressed to work out.

I just work.

I'd leave right now if someone gave me a good reason to.

What even is life?

I don't know what to do, where to go, how to make myself feel better.

Nothing is wrong, but everything is wrong.

Everything has changed so much from days under the sun, the ebb and flow of the tide.

Because we've all changed, life has changed.

But realistically everything is the same, the same people making tired decisions.

The mundane and repetitive flow of a life we've already lived.

How do I break this circle, this whirlpool, pulling me under?

The last posts I wrote were just ramblings

Lovesick and crazy.

I'm so different from a few months ago, in a way I guess this is what I always wanted.

To be a cold as ice, femme fatale, with no formal attachment to any other human.

But I know my soul is sad.

There's more practical things to speak about than the sordid state of my own mind.

But goddamn.

Stupid Things

Haven't blogged in awhile.

Super blood moon eclipse happened tonight.

Life is weird.

I kinda made friends with the cute guy at work.

Key word is 'kinda'

Work is really awesome.

Sleep is not something I've been getting a lot of lately.

Shut up, brain.

Weed is another thing I haven't been getting much of lately.

Is that good or bad.

I oughta go back to being an alcoholic.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Could just marathon the last season of Mad Men.

God, I really should fucking sleep.

Earlier the cute guy at work said that I'm his favorite new employee.... But he didn't say bye to me.

What does that mean?

Am I being paranoid for thinking that everyone is constantly judging me???

Maybe it's because I said that I used to dress my cats up.... I swear they never even cared though.

Or maybe it's 'cause I cut him off while he was talking about his dad's mastiff.

That did not make sense.

I definitely need to sleep.

Ahhh, I'm too paranoid about people.

But life is way too weird these last six months, and I don't even know where the future is going.

I wonder if it'll be any good at all.

My heart hurts, what was the last of me you saw?

This is my trump card, but it isn't a trump card at all. There is always a counter...

I've learned something about Catwoman, I hate her when she's dating someone...

I took a lot of mushrooms tonight, and I'm also really stoned.

And I've been awake for a long time....

Soooo many shrooms........

Oh my god, my whole body is tingling.

I love drugs.

I'm so in love.

But I can't be, I shouldn't be.

I love him more now than I ever did....

Is that even possible?

I've learned something though.

I have to let go.

No matter what...

It's time.

He never was good for me.

Even if I do love him, I have to let him go.

I feel like I just need to talk to somebody.....

I'm not even sure who, I thought about logging on to my favorite depression help forum (if I could remember the password).