Happy Whatever, Losers ;)

Ivy told me that I was "a hussie in high school."

She's one to talk...

Nobody can even remember all the guys she dated.

She brought up that rumor that I slept with that one guy, gotta love all the crazy rumors that were never true.

Because obviously I really was a lesbian who was having sex for drugs, and that wasn't just a rumor started by a bunch of bored guys.

*sigh*

We were all idiots.

I can't believe she thought that I slept with him.

Nonsense.

She asked me about Satan, she always does.

Ivy also asked me if I would ever leave Kuma-kun for Satan.

My first thought was to shout "fuck no!"

But for fear of waking up her baby, I gave this long speech about how in love I am.

It's true though, how that question could cross anyone's mind is beyond me.

Although Ivy said Satan and I would probably always be in each other's lives, I've heard that from so many people over the years...he still needs me though, even as a friend.

So out of sympathy, I'm still there.

Ivy showed me this show called Orange Is The New Black, it has the actress from The Slums of Beverly Hills.

I'm actually enjoying hanging out with Ivy, I missed her truly.

It reminds me of all those days I spent at her house back in high school.

When I'm an old woman with too many cats I'm going to still be drinking whiskey out of the bottle, smoking cigars, and offending all the people I possibly can...

Silly, isn't it?

But the old Russian chef in this show is exactly how I want to be when I'm old.

Ivy and I went on an adventure today...actually I got us lost and we ended up an hour away from where we should've been.

My friends are crappy drivers, but so am I.

I'm not even really sure how we got lost, but oh well.

Ivy said that she can't believe Catwoman is the one who ended up screwed up...

"No offense, but I thought it would be you," Ivy confessed to me.

How could I be offended?

We all thought I would be the one who ended up with my life in the gutter.

I'm officially an aunt...Ivy is a really great mom.

She's been really sweet, sometimes I don't even think she realizes that sometimes she's a bitch to people.

Ivy is pretty much maternal and nice, but super judgmental.

And I'm really tired, more on my pointless adventures later.

Oh! And Ivy bought me a new barbell for my Monroe.

Remember when I said that "sometimes a guy just needs someone to hold on to, and sometimes it's okay to be that girl."

Still true.

And remember when I said Ivy was our doorway into suburbia?

Also still true.

Really, I shouldn't be weird about sex...

I shouldn't be weird about relationships, I shouldn't be weird about anything.

Because it doesn't make sense to be stressed out about stupid shit.

I'm still watching the show from the other day, and I'm gonna cry.

Because now I know what it's like for your family member to be locked up...rehab and jail are remarkably similar.

And I know that feeling of saying goodbye and watching people in uniforms confiscate shoelaces.

I can't think about this anymore...because it's still a fresh wound.

I certainly have been through Hell.

Zooey Deschanel was supposed to be aloof in 500 Days of Summer.

People just don't get shit...

And where am I today?

I've found me, and lost life.

More on my epiphany later...

I just spoke to Mister J, I guess the cats ate all my notebooks full of writing.

You weren't hallucinating, I said ate.

Vari is a demon-cat....like seriously how did I raise a Tasmanian devil?

We got frozen yogurt and they had mochi!

'Nuff said.

People actually say that.

When I Come Around was on the radio, it's still my favorite song, and I can still play it on the guitar.

I miss playing guitar and writing songs, I miss painting, and photography...what happened to my life?

How did I get so absorbed by my depression that I forgot about everything I love?

Southern Boy and I spent the whole night discussing Star Wars and comics.

I do love in depth analyses of things...

Kuma-kun's friend is really sweet, I suppose she's going to need her own nickname if she ends up in this blog.

Kuma-kun still isn't really talking to me...so he's not going to get any less busy and we have to deal with it if we want it to work.

*sigh*

I had no idea how difficult this whole thing would actually be...lovely, isn't it?

Keep telling myself that it's worth it.

Because it is, right?

That's rhetorical.

'Cause I fucking love him.

And when we met he said that he would give me back everything that I put into this.

So I've decided to open myself up to trusting someone.

Common Knowledge To Nevermind

Southern Boy cheered me up...

And I'm blogging at 2:00 am.

Why didn't I stay friends with the people that I could stay up late talking to?

I mean I remember when Southern Boy and I would talk all night.

Oh, that's right...I was a self-absorbed bitch in high school.

I keep forgetting how terrible of a person I actually was.

Not that Southern Boy and I haven't had a lot of problems related to many different situations.

But we always had that relationship where we could be honest when talking to each other.

Although I have to admit that he knew me before I hated everyone, back when I was a pill-popping social butterfly.

Like The Jester and Satan, he's been in my situation before...

He told me that instead of not trusting anyone, I should just take the chance and see if trusting people pays off.

Because my life is in what he called a "stalemate"

He also taught me how to say good morning in Russian, Dobroe utro.

He still owes me a burrito, I had forgotten until he mentioned it.

Satan wants me to start playing this game, it's free too...and it might actually work with my slow Internet.

I'm going to try it when I get back from Ivy's house.

I have to wake up in two hours, but I haven't slept yet.

Insomnia...

So this is what it's like to be on the other end of "too drunk to talk."

I feel sorry for every guy I've ever dated, because I was always too drunk/high to talk to any of them when they needed me.

Maybe this is karma....

I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to atone for my sins.

Not in a religious way, more like the universe hates me...so I'm trying to be all "threefold rule"

Unfortunately the universe still hates me...

And now I know what I put guys through, and this is awful, and I hate it.

Even if it's unintentional...

This is what it's like to have someone and still be completely alone.

I didn't understand it before....

This is why all the guys I ever dated wanted me to quit drinking and smoking weed.

I get it now.

Maybe I'm supposed to learn some fucked up lesson from all this.

This is seriously bothering me, to the point where I don't even care anymore.

But this isn't all of it.

I'm still fighting with my mom, actually I think she's ignoring me now.

For what reason?

I wasn't buying her bullshit.

And lawyers...more problems from my mother, I think if she was dead she would still find a way to screw me over.

There's more, I don't even really feel like talking about the rest of my life.

It's a mess...

Being alone in a house all the time isn't the most fantastic thing to ever happen to me.

I'm restless when I'm lonely.

And depressed....

Which is why I'm going to go spend three days with people that I don't even like.

It's weird that I'm more lonely with Kuma-kun in my life; I feel like he's supposed to be there, but isn't.

It doesn't make me feel any more inclined to be open about the things that go on in my life.

Actually I'm pretty much about to shut down all my emotions, it might be safer.

Look where that behaviour got Satan and The Jester though.

Which is why I'm trying to change.

Kuma-kun needs space, and I need to learn to be okay with being alone.

I can't solve any of my problems anyway, they're all out of my control.

Tomorrow Who Knows Where We'll Be

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones always remind me of dancing down Voltaire Street and smoking in the Nature Preserve...

My friends always hated my music, but I always supplied the weed...and I was always in charge.

I remember the first time The Jester asked me what I wanted to do when I came back from Arizona.

I just stared at him and Catwoman, because for once I didn't know.

Today Kitty said she "never thought she would see this."

What? You ask.

Satan and I speaking like civilized people, she really has been gone a long time.

And she missed all the years of us becoming tentative friends.

She was there the night that we met though...

Let's not get into that one.

I'm obsessed with Damnesia, the Alkaline Trio's acoustic album; best decision they ever made.

My favorite album still has to be Good Mourning; followed closely by Goddamnit, From Here to Infirmary, and their self-titled...in that order.

I'm still completely in love with Matt Skiba, and that story about how he and his wife got matching key tattoos instead of names.

And he used to have an OPIV tattoo, but the artwork was shitty 'cause it was done by a hick; so now he has a tattoo that says "cover-up"

Yep, I still love them.

Quit listening to them for awhile, because every song would make me sad; but enough time has passed...

I should get payed for writing, seriously I just spew this shit out of my ass.

I wonder if I can make an even seventy posts this month...I know it sounds like a lot, but it's to make up for not really writing since before I moved to Arizona.

I mean, my loyal readers *cough, cough* missed Catwoman getting alcohol poisoning (presumably).

I'm not sure what else would possess her to think that Mister J was Michael Jackson.

And yet, everyone felt worse for the Cadillac than they did for her (but nobody tell her that).

Yep, there's a lot more stuff that I just never got around to writing about...

So this is my apology to the Gods of the Blogosphere.

Wait, is that a word?

Why didn't it spellcheck me?

Sometimes I feel like playing Russian Roulette by myself, with all the lights turned off.

Click

Click

Click

Click

Click

............

Well, aren't I morbid.

I wouldn't actually do that though, I have more dignity than to kill myself in such a silly way.

Not that anyone should take my suicidal urges seriously anyway...

We've been through how suicide is selfish, and how it takes more courage to keep living.

These conversations have been had before.

Some mornings it's impossible to get out of bed, because everything is just grey.

But that doesn't mean that I don't hold value on my own life.

And you get through everything one way or another, tomorrow will undoubtedly show up, the sun will rise...

We'll get one more chance to get things right, and one day we won't have any more chances...that day isn't today though.

This is the beautiful thing about life, it's usually pretty long and every minute you live is a chance to be happy.

J'ai Mal A La Tête

Mister J says that without communication a relationship is just "mutual sex."

Well, we're not doing that either, because I'm weird about it.

Actually I was fine until Mister J hinted that I'm coming off like a whore...well, no, I wasn't completely fine.

I was dealing with my issues though, now I'm back at the beginning of fucked.

This makes me question why I'm delving into my personal life over the Internet.

Why do I feel so bad about all this?

I never feel guilty about anything...

That's not always true.

But most of the time....

It's because I actually care about this guy, that's why I feel like crap for upsetting him.

Mystery solved.

Somebody should talk some sense into me, I've turned into someone that I don't wanna be.

I suppose I could change that myself, go back to being normal.

Of course normal is a relative term, I mean normal for me.

That would be not paranoid over a guy...

Yeah, okay, I think I've exhausted all my crazy.

It's still kinda depressing that every guy I know, except the one I want, is talking to me.

I give up...

Video games.

That's my solution, because that solves everything.

Is it weird that I still listen to Vampire Weekend?

Sshhh, don't tell anyone.

Too bad arson is illegal...

I'm kidding, or am I?

Now why would I say a thing like that?

Other than the fact that my brain is in rebellion, today was good.

I really do think I'm going to go see Ivy for a few days....

I'm running away from my problems.

It's a fact, everyone knows it...not with Kuma-kun, but just in general.

All the shit that I'm not acknowledging.

I'm sweeping it under a metaphorical rug...

Because I'm tired of thinking about all of it.

I'll have to deal with all this eventually, but I'm avoiding the inevitable.

Normally I would just smoke pot, drink myself to death, wake up, and repeat.

What have I learned?

Being wasted all the time never fucking helps, I wake up months later like "What the fuck happened?"

Actually in some cases I've woken up years later to find myself in a worse situation than before.

Yes, I am dodging recurring problems in my own life, thank you for asking.

Realistically I'm only worried about my situation with Kuma-kun because I'm actually worried about other stuff.

I'm misplacing my anxiety....

So I should sit down with my brain and deal with all this shit, before my brain implodes.

"Your world won't change while you sleep."

To Be Continued...

Mister J keeps encouraging me to talk to Kuma-kun about my feelings.

His words were, "I'm not always right, I don't know him like you do...I'm just pointing out a pattern, but you should talk to him about it."

Obviously I've made that more concise, but you get it.

Maybe I'm just setting myself up for failure by being the way I am.

Kuma-kun is right, I need to relax.

It's not helpful that the amount of serious shit going on in my life is compounding smaller issues.

Maybe I should go stay with Ivy for a few days, sort out my head.

I appreciate Kuma-kun...he's exactly what I need in a person.

He balances out my brain perfectly.

I just hope I haven't stressed him out too much, that was the farthest thing from my intentions.

Well, on to a less depressing topic...

Satan showed me this hilarious Twitch stream this morning, but I wanna play WoW.

And I talked to Snuff the other day, I missed him a lot.

We're gonna hang out sometime soon hopefully, get shitfaced together....

I think the last time I saw him was his birthday, when we went to the hookah bar and the strip club...and that one skater kid that I had a crush on in high school kissed me while he was drunk.

Now this is where I say "fun times" all sarcastically.

My life is, and will always be, crazy.

Grab A Shotgun, It's The Apocalypse

Fuck my brain...

Because all I want to do is watch Sex and The City reruns while eating chocolate.

Once a month every girl turns into a cunt, no matter how logical she normally is.

Someone is going to call me a misogynist for blaming my bad mood on PMS.

But isn't it scientifically true that women are over-emotional?

And only hermits like myself understand how difficult it is to tell another person how you're feeling.

Which is why The Jester and I didn't talk for six months that one time...

We're both reclusive introverts who couldn't figure out how to simply say "I miss you."

Or when Satan and I would fight, neither of us would say what we were actually thinking; we would just yell at each other over nothing, instead of just stating how we feel.

It always took so much courage for either of us to admit what we were really feeling or thinking.

And I'm still like this...

So that's why my friends are just as anti-social as I am, equally as stubborn too.

Kuma-kun doesn't get it, I think he's frustrated by it.

Mister J said that guys can't read me, because I come off as aloof.

But I just can't get the words out, which is why I used to write letters when I was pissed off.

I can't physically say what I'm thinking.

"Fucking shit" and other swear words is normally what comes out when I try to talk about my emotions.

I don't tell people my problems either, because who really gives a fuck?

I'd rather just deal with my own bad mood than listen to a slew of cookie-cutter advice and "if you ever need anything, honey"....(insert generic condolences)

Being in a relationship kind of makes this behaviour impossible and counterproductive.

The whole point of this is to have someone to share everything with, right?

That means good, bad, trivial, and cataclysmic...

I used to be really outgoing and open about my feelings, but after a lifetime being reprimanded for them I stopped.

I'm being irrational and unfair to Kuma-kun, it took me this long to see this shit.

But the only relationship I was ever serious about was with a person who is exactly the same way that I am.

This whole communication thing is brand new, I understand it in theory...in execution, not so much.

It's all fine to say "I need to be more honest with my significant other," but when I try to...my brain shuts down.

Then I start resorting to old habits, which have done nothing but screw me over.

I really love Kuma-kun, with my entire soul.

But changing a lifetime worth of learned traits doesn't happen overnight.

Not Fucking Around

Another post?

Because I can't seem to do anything...

I'm either getting really bad advice mixed with my own paranoia, or...I don't want to consider the alternative.

Mister J is just trying to protect me, but he's validating my own fears.

It's not that he doesn't like Kuma-kun, he just doesn't want to see me get hurt by another guy.

And I'm already kinda hurt....

Kuma-kun is barely talking to me and I'm having more emotional distress over our sex life.

When I spent the night with him I just wanted to go to sleep, but I felt like he wanted to do other shit...so I gave in.

I'm too goddamn complacent about these things.

This is making me feel like he's just another guy who just wants sex from me.

I'm really upset over it, because I honestly wanted to wait longer in general for all this stuff.

I feel like I've fucked myself over again.

Sad kitten.

Also how is he so busy, like what the Hell is he doing, that he has so little time to send me a quick message?

It's not only that, his energy seems really different...even on Saturday it seemed a little off.

I can't fucking figure it out.

Is the honeymoon period over?

Is he merely stressed out?

Am I simply paranoid as all Hell due to my plethora of bad experiences?

My instinct as always is flight...

I'm ignoring that because I want this relationship to work, but I don't know what to do.

He's too busy for me to even talk to him about it.

So out of all the random people who decided to message me, Satan is the one who managed to cheer me up.

If nothing else he's always been there for me, for the smallest things even when we were fighting...even when he was being an asshole.

And that's why we're still friends....

But people like Satan and The Jester always cheer me up, because they understand my reclusiveness.

They have the same moods that I do, so they get it.

About Kuma-kun...I think he's even tired of hearing "I love you."

I told Mister J that I'm "over it."

He knows that's just my defenses going up, he told me that I have to learn to deal with relationships.

I would rather just put up some nice, solid walls...go back to being apathetic.

Have I arrived at detachment again?

Rather than suffer the agony of my own heart?

Hiding behind emotional defenses if far safer...

Mister J questioning all of Kuma-kun's motives is making me just a little crazy.

Because those are the same questions I ask upon entering any relationship.

I'm waiting for Kuma-kun to prove me wrong.

He's so full of lovely words...to console my mind.

But what about something tangible?

So far he's shown me that he's good at taking care of people, that he's busy often, and that he doesn't like to wait for sex.

Should I mention that it seems like most of his friends are girls?

*laugh*

Now that is probably my paranoia...since I'm not used to guys who have any female friends at all, well except the ones that they're trying to bone.

I can't figure out what is actuality, what is my past experiences, and what is simply typical paranoia.

Is this seriously what all girls go through?!

Because it's a fucking nightmare.

Summer, 2013

Jun.4.13

2:19 AM

I'm so high, and I love it.

Why?

Because "I can't feel a fucking thing."

And it's "better if I don't remember anything."

I never write anymore, aside from the occasional ranting blog entry.

It's been so long since I've wanted to write, it feels really good.

Jun.5.13

I am a person.

Who no longer writes poetry...

And I wake up with this sick feeling all the time.

I've gained tons of weight and I've started biting my nails again.

Now tell me, what's wrong with me?

Jun.7.13

The reason I started watching anime again was because I needed help with life; I always learned the best life lessons from it.

Jun.8.13

Stupid Bitch has no respect for living beings.

I don't really wanna explain, since I'm already mad.

And her fucking attitude every time things don't go her way.

There's more serious shit that goes on in the world for her to whine about every little thing.

She needs to fucking think before she does or says anything; she's so senseless, as if her life will be this easy forever.

Hardly.

I don't want her to fucking talk to me, because I'm really about to flip a bitch...literally.

July.13

Um, hi.

I haven't had phone service in months.

Mister J talks like he single-handedly raised me, and supposedly the reason that I act like I was born into high society is because of him.

Of course he doesn't realize that really that is due to my grandmother raising me and the fact that I'm descended from royalty.

Besides he met me when I was already ten years old, you can hardly call that him raising me by himself.

There was already ten years of adults who had already influenced my life before he even knew that I existed.

And I don't believe he would know or understand true "high society" if it bit him in the behind.

Furthermore, I spent half of middle school with my dad anyway...

So Mister J really only raised me through the end of middle school through high school.

He's so proud to be a parent that I couldn't bear to say any of this to him for fear of causing him any emotional distress.

Sometimes I think I give him too much credit, and sometimes he thinks he knows me better than he really does.

In actuality I believe parts of my personality are difficult for him to understand and we're too close for his psychoanalysis to be objective.

I wish he would let go of all his predispositions about me and get to know the person that I am right now.

I often fear that no one will ever give me an honest chance to be anything.

Everyone has their opinion, but who wants to know the truth?

I can't think of a single person who wants an honest chance to be my friend, no one really wants to know me and this pains me.

They say, "No man is an island."

Indeed we are not.

My loneliness saddens me greatly.

What is life when there is not a soul to share your triumphs and follies with?

The thing that I need most in my life right at this moment is simply a friend.

This is what the average person would call "shit outta luck."

July.17.13

I'm nervous that I won't get my license by the time my permit expires.

And, "I had a dream I was a vigilante sidekick, my name is Tim, I am a lesser known character."

The only reason I think Amber wants to be my friend is because she has some stupid crush on Mister J and fancies herself his girlfriend.

It's ridiculous...

I doubt she'll ever display anything other than stupidity; but I'll still give her a chance, because I'm trying to become a nicer person.

The truth is I just can't give a fuck about anyone right now.

I have no desire to be around people who are literally always on hardcore drugs.

I.E. Amber

It seems like she only wants to get clean in order to win over Mister J.

If she doesn't want it for herself then she'll never be able to do it, besides the jokes on her...Mister J isn't even the slightest bit interested in her.

"What does it matter? It doesn't matter. Hey, kids, what have we got? Not a lot; so, what?"

Can you tell that I miss Ska?

(I don't really listen to music anymore.)

People are fucking annoying, I don't know why I ever wanted friends.

Oh, and one more thing; last night Amber said she would work on being quieter when standing outside my window (on the patio), this morning she was out there basically screaming...

July.19.13

July Nineteenth, Two Thousand Thirteen.

...My excuse?

I just don't care...

Until everyone else takes a look at themselves in order to assuage all their defects, I won't give a damn.

Because why should I change to suit the whims of others; especially when no one else would change, even to better themselves.

Thank God for miracles; I've believed in them my whole life.

They've saved me from catastrophe, or maybe I created them myself.

I have a lot of misplaced anxiety all the time, the pot helps...

But I feel like I need to be medicated sometimes, when I'm depressed it's like my brain and body completely shut down.

I run on auto-pilot and become a different person.

Weed balances my brain, so I feel like myself.

When I smoke, even just a small amount, it zaps my depression and I'm functional again.

I'm functional when I'm happy too, but I haven't been happy in years.

I mean, I do my best writing while sitting on the toilet...

What does that tell you?

Mister J has been in a two year long, slow descent into midlife crisis.

Amber is on my last nerve, so I've decided to take her level of immaturity into account, and treat her like I was her senpai.

I'm hoping for the best, as I did with all the freshmen I adopted in high school.

I'm less stressed out about it now, since it's not just me here with her all day.

Finally someone else beholds the injustice of the things that have transpired.

Somehow I just like to have this acknowledged, it makes me feel better about all the transgressions that have been committed.

July.21.13

Mister J is on my nerves, I wish he would just go away sometimes.

He comes waking me up, reeking strongly, and lecturing me about things that I have already thought of and planned.

As if just because everyone else is naturally irresponsible, I will be too.

I really wish I could slap him sometimes, thank you for being rude and inconsiderate...

I'm glad that preaching is more important than my sleep, I'm going to kill myself.

July.22.13

Ms. Hill seems to think that Mister J has brainwashed me into thinking that Amber is a horrible person.

Little does she know that when we first moved here, he was the one who was defending her because I thought she was an absurd excuse for a human being.

"Sorry, sweetheart, you don't deserve a number..."

But seriously it was brash to say that Amber wants to share my place in Mister J's life.

It's not any of her business and isn't it his decision who he wants in his life?

Is everyone in this house either crazy or completely moronic?

Amber needs to worry about herself and stop trying to chase after someone who will never return her feelings.

Ms. Hill needs to butt out of other people's business and stop trying to defend a person who is so clearly in need of a wake up call....

Mister J needs to control his pointless anger and overwhelming anxiety, because it's going to make his life needlessly miserable.

And as for me, I need to be less pretentious and possibly more straightforward...

Although I'm not sure that it would have been a good idea to be blatantly honest in this situation.

I really would love to tell Amber that she's stupid, ridiculous, offensive to my morals, and oh, so, rude...

And I would be ecstatic to tell Ms. Hill that as much as I enjoy her company, she doesn't know everything and she shouldn't concern herself with things that she's not actually involved in.

The level of immaturity in this house is astounding.

And finally I would like to tell Mister J that although his personality is understandable, it doesn't excuse his behaviour in the slightest.

I suppose I can rest easy knowing that at least this virtual notebook has witnessed all the instances that vex me.

The immaturity is what really gets to me; are we suddenly back in high school?

All this "he said, she said" is total crap.

And what's with these two acting like they're "tweenagers" anyway?

I could go on like this for quite awhile...

Can you tell that I'm kind of, really offended?

But again, are you thirteen years old?

Get over it.

One more thing; nobody fucking takes me seriously.

Ms. Hill says that we're all adults, but when it comes to serious shit she talks to me like I'm so young and naïve; as if I couldn't possibly understand anything of consequence.

But you can always use underestimation to your advantage.

And I've decided that if people are stupid enough not to recognize the way the world really is, then they deserve everything that happens to them.

So, if Ms. Hill is dumb enough to think that I'm just another teenager with the mental capacity of an ordinary person, then I'm going to use it...

I'm going to pretend that I'm sweet and that I look up to her, and she's going to continue to respond the way that I want her to.

Not that I've lied about anything or done anything bad...

I merely haven't displayed that I've already figured her out, developed my own opinions concerning all the situations at hand, and appropriated a proper course of action for any situation that arises.

Ultimately none of this is any of my business and I don't even want to be involved in all this nonsense.

What happens between Mister J and Amber is none of my concern...

And if Ms. Hill wants to be nosy, that's her business.

She's too self-absorbed and Amber is too stupid, to have any clue what's really going on.

Why should I be the one to "break the news?"

I think I'd rather be an evil villainess in real life, being a protagonist is for video games and novels.

I suppose I shouldn't mention that I had a huge problem with Amber's desire to date Mister J from the beginning.

And there was something about her that I didn't like from the first night I met her...

I know she's not right for Mister J anyway, I know him well enough to know that this is a fact.

Who wants to live with someone whose personality makes them feel, literally, homicidally insane?

Think about it.

Anyway, enough ranting.

Shabekhar. Bon nuit. Ciao, bella.

July.13

I have the perfect bone structure to be a model, if only I was a couple of inches taller.

Girls with really unique bone structure always get to model haute couture.

If I was taller I could've been the next Magdalena Frackowiak.

How depressing...

Anyway, I started having nightmares again last night.

It's a shame really, since I slept so well the night before.

I guess a peaceful sleep is what happens when you play Fable III until four in the morning.

I wish I could drown myself in a video game, go to the alternate universe of Albion and become a crime fighting princess...

It's a crappy game anyway, I don't even know why I'm playing.

Because it's already on the hard-drive, and my disc drive is broken.

*sigh*

Life can be tragic when reality is so unstable.

Some days I wake up and don't even feel like living.

It's funny that everyone here is so dysfunctional when they're under the influence.

I'm not sure if funny is the word that I should use...

But I'm actually more functional when I've smoked or drank a little bit.

Seriously.

I took some psychological survey yesterday; it turns out that I'm schizoid, schizotypal, and OCD.

What's new?

My head hurts so I'm going to go clean and play video games.

By the way, Mister J has been flirting with this gorgeous Russian girl online.

*grin*

She likes Tchaikovsky and Mozart, and she cooks Russian pancakes.

I wish he would bring her here and marry her, I'm not even joking.

This girl is perfect, she looks like Alena Shishkova...and she sounds like the sweetest person in he world from her emails to him.

I would have no objection to him dating a girl like that, or even marrying her.

Aug.7.13

I have a great sense of loss when it comes to life; people, places, things...

Nouns on paper.

Little holes in my paper thin heart.

Letting go of those lost nouns seems to be the key to mental peace, but it's difficult when everything you care about goes missing.

I suppose this is how people find themselves; with nothing to hold on to, what do you have left?

Aug.14.13

My mom texted Grandpa...

What am I supposed to say to her?

"Jeremy has finally cracked and sent himself to rehab, I'm living with Grandpa."

Actually that might not go over so badly...or it might go over terribly.

You never know with my mother...

Fable glitched pretty bad and I'm what a gal would call "über pissed."

The Xbox is on its deathbed anyway.

I haven't been sleeping well, the "honeymoon period" is over and my life has returned to stagnancy.

I found two whole dollars in my pants, how excited I was...

Unfortunately, I couldn't find "Reaver's unmentionables" (another glitch)

This game glitches as much as Skyrim.

I never thought I'd miss Skyrim so much, my life is so terribly boring.

Anyway, I must chase down my sleep, so that I may carry on to the best of my meager abilities.

P.S. I'm pretty sure I've never seen a black man use pomade; where has Cliff been living for the last fifty years?

Aug.14.13

Every time I close my eyes, I end up on Voltaire Street.

Is it possible that I could be homesick for Ocean Beach?

Nov.10.13

Well, "Here it is again, yet it stings like the first time..."

What do you want me to say?

Nothing has changed, I just feel older.

Catwoman is crazy, Satan is not good for me, Mister J is "suppressing rage, motherfucker," I'm confronted with extreme ignorance on a daily basis, and I'm left with a handful of real friends....

None of whom can help me, because my life is a nightmare of the most astounding proportions...it seems no force on earth or heaven could help me now.

I'm cold, my hair is tangled, and hope is hard to come by.

Maybe everything will work out, or maybe I'll take a bullet in the head...

Who's to say?

I found more blog entries from last year, I think I might post them...

Too Tired For Something Interesting

*sigh*

I miss Kuma-kun, and I'm all worried about him because he's all stressed out and stuff.

Last night some girl called me a misogynist because I said that I'm often disappointed in the behaviour of my own gender for acting like floozies.

But honestly so many women throughout history have gone through Hell for girls these days to have their heads stuck up their asses.

But being logical and straightforward are important things in my world.

I got really fired up and the debate lasted for hours...

We never agreed, so we parted ways in a polite manner.

I almost used the word copacetic, but I'm laughing too hard...

I won't explain why.

I just bought nail polish remover, but I'm not sure what I did with it...so there's little purple flakes everywhere.

I don't even know what I wanted to write about...

The world isn't prepared for my awesomeness.

I can't quit sneezing.....

I have this really long, elaborate, complicated plan in order to make some sense of my life.

But I'm starting to feel more like myself, whoever that is.

Je rigole!

Although truthfully I just hate winter, every year I go through this ridiculous depression and it lasts from September all the way through January.

Like fucking clockwork.

A psychiatrist told me once that I should surround myself with people that I like and do things that I love.

I wonder if that would help at all....

Either way, my depression for the year is finally pretty much over.

Thank the Nine that it's almost Spring.

If you're wondering, I try to fit in Skyrim references everywhere I possibly can.

I'm thinking that I'll actually celebrate Beltaine, Ostara, and Nouruz this year; because those are my favorite holidays, of course with the exception of Samhain.

It's funny that my religious tendencies are a bizarre mix of Zoroastrian and Wiccan, with a tiny bit of traditional Native American.

But spirituality is what it is without all the bullshit labels of conventional religion.

And Zoroastrianism runs deep in my veins, since my bloodline is literally ancient.

Mister J says that's why I'm sensitive to energies...

Oh, anyhow, back to Beltaine and Nouruz.....

I really would love to go up to LA/Irvine for Nouruz, because how amazing would that be?

And I'm going to set up the little table with the coins and eggs and fish...I love Persian traditions, there's so much symbolism.

I'll make salmon and Sabzi Polo...

I'm so excited!

And for Beltaine I'm sure I could find a local celebration, although they're unlikely to have naked fire dancing.

Which is why I would love to see Beltaine in the UK.

I lost my altar candles when I moved a few years ago, I was so depressed about it that I stopped celebrating holidays altogether.

Really after all that chaos the universe misplaced tons of my stuff, but I've learned that you have to let go of things.

Today I'm in a good mood, I'm not sure why...

I woke up with The Cure stuck in my head and I've been cuddling with Mer all day.

I'm not even sure what I'm talking about anymore...

I need to wash my car at some point, and Mister J is going to bring me mechanic gloves.

So I'm really excited about that.

What else?

I've been thinking about getting into cosplay, but I never go to conventions...so maybe?

We'll see how that idea goes.

My brain is so all over the place that I'll have moved on to something else before this is even a reality.

That's just how I am, I get around to things in my own time.

INTP Personalities & Emotions

"Fe seeks social connections and creates harmonious interactions through polite, considerate, and appropriate behavior. Fe responds to the explicit (and implicit) wants of others, and may even create an internal conflict between the subject’s own needs and the desire to meet the needs of others.^[16] Fe drives the INTP to desire harmony in community. At their most relaxed, INTPs can be charming and outgoing among friends, or when they have a clearly defined role in the group. When under stress, however, INTPs can feel disconnected from the people around them, unable to use their extraverted Feeling to reach out to others. As their inferior function, Feeling can be a weak point; when threatened they will hide behind a wall of stoic logic. This can lead them to bottle up their emotions to preserve reason and harmony; but a failure to deal with these concealed emotions can lead to inappropriate outbursts."

Completely accurate.

In The Room Downstairs I Sat Instead

"If I seem strange, that's because I am."

I still have Unloveable by The Smiths stuck in my head.

And my kooch is still bleeding...don't ask why...

Because I don't know why.

Should I be concerned?

This doesn't even seem normal.

I want more peach green tea...

I'm still reading about INTP personalities...I guess my preference for perceiving is only slightly higher than judging.

Oh, INTP stands for Introversion, iNtuition, Thinking, Perception.

It's one of sixteen personality types that a person can possibly fall under.

I used to be really emotional, I think it's funny that living with Mister J for the last couple of years just killed that part of my personality.

For example when I stole that Copper Sulphate from The Jester and tried to kill myself.

What I didn't tell anyone is that five minutes before I dumped the bottle down my throat, Satan had said something that made me cry.

Everyone asked what the trigger was...I lied obviously, because I was aware of my own stupidity.

Emotions are pointless.

I'm glad I no longer hold emotions in any sort of esteem, but disregarding them completely seems counterproductive.

I just remembered that the pink slip for Mister J's truck is still in my name.

It's ridiculous how much responsibility I got pinned with a few months ago.

And even after all my talk of clawing my way out from under, I'm still just waiting for things to happen.

So much has happened the last few years, I haven't really taken any time to think about all of it...

Because my life is always an endless stream of crazy, sometimes I just forget to take a step back.

Often my life feels surreal, because all the things that tend to happen are so abnormal.

"This can't really be my life, but how could this have even possibly happened."

I've been in a philosophical mood lately.

In a state of contrived happiness...

I'd assume that since no one is ever naturally happy, perhaps this is the best I could ask for.

And as always a definition suits my purposes better than real feelings.

'Happy; adj. Delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing.

Characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy.

Favored by fortune, fortunate or lucky.'

This proves that it's all just based on perception.

There's no concrete way to test joy or luck...

Well, I guess the brain does release chemicals that make a person happy, but it's all relative.

Emotions are counterintuitive to logic, but are still required to function in life.

I know these thought patterns are pretty atypical for my age and gender...

But I like myself better this way, and people are in a constant state of evolution.

There may come a point where I can find a balance between emotional and logical.

Why do I feel like I've been here before?

Because I'm pretty sure a couple of years ago I was sitting on Satan's couch with Catwoman, debating this idea of logos and pathos in my own head.

Had I voiced my thoughts out loud?

Satan would have just given me one of his looks...

And Catwoman would have probably stated something about how absolutely important emotions are.

She just never got it...

Neither of them did.

Why the Hell were they my friends for so many years?

Both of them just always pissed me off to the point of uncomfortable silences.

How did I never realize this before?

Because I was preoccupied with exuding cool...

*laugh*

Sunglasses and lots of eyeliner, a mask....

Laughing at the right moment, memorizing slang, trying to pretend that I could roll a blunt and do snaps without choking.

And drowning my liver in whiskey.

This is better though?

Detachment?

I'm happier without playing a part in a life that isn't my own.

I think Ivy wanted to give me a new nickname..."because Bunny is kinda old."

"Yeah, nobody calls me that anymore."

I remember when no one even knew my real name...

But I was always exhausted by playing a persona.

Never felt like my friendships were real, just in an endless state of feeling out of place in my own life.

How do I feel now?

I don't...

Feel anything.

All my feelings are more like side-effects of situations.

I'm not cold-hearted, but I really can't explain it.

*sigh*

We'll talk more about my presumed apathy later...

The personality test told me that the best romantic partner for me is an intuitive extrovert.

I can see how that would be the case, it makes perfect sense.

"Had to say I love you way too soon, but right there on your couch you loved me too."

Is it weird that I prefer Dan Andriano over Matt Skiba?

I just love his voice, and his songwriting invokes such strong emotions...

I mean Matt can write, but I feel like Dan's songs resonate more with me.

Although we all know that every single song on that one album made me cry my eyes out...not literally, but almost.

What album was it?

Maybe I'll Catch Fire...?

I can't remember.

I'm still going to get that tattoo, I'm determined that it should be my first one.

I'm sure there's always more to say, especially now that my sense of being out of time has dissipated...

The greatest realization that I've had is that life is quite long.