I've been ignoring my phone all day, I'm totally dreading the drive to Arizona.
When I get back to California I can't be sad about this anymore, which means I have until this weekend to be all heartbroken and sappy.
Our relationship was too Brad & Angelina, and not enough Sid & Nancy.
Maybe that's why I was getting bored...
Next to the whirlwinds and tidal waves that my other relationships have been, it was too bloody normal.
He pretty much always resisted my sense of adventure, somehow I can't imagine him living in the hostels of Europe or doing cocaine at a goth club in Germany.
I don't wanna be Jackie O. I want to be Marilyn.
His choice of careers would've probably driven me batshit anyway, an observant girl once told me I'm afraid of being judged.
Most days I ignore that inconvenient fact, but being with him longterm would've put me consistently in the public eye.
His life seems like it involves a lot of standing around exchanging pleasantries.
The traits that earned me the titles of Original Bad Girl and Miss Bunny Bombshell are still alive and well, the only difference being that I grew up.
Mister J is wrong, I definitely don't need to be with another introvert.
I need to be with someone who's seen and done the shit that I've experienced, someone who understands my contempt for society, someone who is up for anything, someone who gets my bad days and my eccentric personality...
Someone who is at the same point in life that I'm at.
This has been another learning experience, it's time to update my criteria.
Mister J says I think like a middle aged man...
*sigh* no comment.
The Jester is right though, there's always a silver lining.
He confessed by the way, I've always had a suspicion...apparently he's been flirting with me this entire time and I didn't even notice, maybe that's due to how awkward he is around girls.
Now our friendship is awkward.
I wonder if it will go back to normal or if I'll have to let him down nicely.
I've always been the girl who gives every guy a chance, no matter what; but these last couple of years I haven't been into the whole dating scene.
I'd rather party and fool around with someone cute than to commit to another dead end relationship.
I haven't heard from Southern Boy in awhile, realistically it's probably only been like a week; but now I'm used to talking to him all the time, I wonder how his novel is going.
And and and...he's gonna draw me up a picture!
It might end up being my tattoo...
I feel like I need a change, nothing more piercings and some hair dye can't fix.
I haven't heard from Satan in awhile either, not that it's particularly unusual for us to go long periods of time without talking...since he hates small talk more than I do.
I wonder if he's peeved that I never started playing that game with him.
We all know that I'm totally incapable of following through with anything, mostly attributed to bad timing and circumstances that are completely out of my control.
Yep, I'm a failure at being a weed fairy and I'm generally just a disappointment.
*laugh*
I miss our banter...I should go see him one of these days...so he can yell at me for quitting weed, drinking, and not playing WoW.
He used to offend me a lot when we were teenagers, and then one day I was just like, "I'm not gonna be offended anymore. Nope, sorry."
And that's when we actually started having fun with each other, when I finally learned how to lighten up.
Catwoman invited me to go to a club to see Basshunter with her, I think I'm gonna go....except that I kinda hate raves with a passion (don't judge me).
But...BASSHUNTER!
She said that they've started playing trapt music at a lot of raves, which only slightly raises my inclination to expose myself to the stupidity of people rolling on cheap mollies.
I could just head down to OB and hear trapt to my heart's content...remember when I had no clue what chopped and screwed even was?
And if they've started playing it at raves then it's gone mainstream, and has probably sold its soul to the hipster cult.
Bask in my social commentary...revel in it!
Some guy that I haven't spoken to in years, yet another ex-boyfriend to be specific, started talking to me randomly.
"You still smoke? No more weed? I remember you used to be really into it," is what he said to me.
I guess I've gotten used to people's shocked expressions when I tell them that I'm almost sober now.
God knows I've lost enough friendships due to my bad habits.
Now that I'm on the other side, I understand why.
I may have changed my wicked ways, but I still live in a world where love is cheap and words are empty.
Well Mister J forgot to get cat food, and he claims that I'm irresponsible.
This kind of thing always happens...
I'm nervous about leaving my cats alone.
I never thought I might have to file a restraining order against my own mother.
I hate this trip, it's so long and by the end I'm always exhausted.
I decided not to bring Schrodinger's Cat with me, since The Jester would kill me if anything happened to it.
It's alright, I'm weirdly protective over my books too.
I just remembered that one time I left a full bottle of Segrum 7 in the parking lot of an inn because I didn't want to cross the state border in possession of alcohol.
Gas station food is mandatory.
And yes, it's almost 2am...and yes, soda did just exploded all over me while I'm wearing nothing but leggings and a tank top...yes, I did just strip down on the side of the road and rinse off my kooch with a bottle of water, since we're an hour away from any sort of rest stop area.
Story of my life; "bad luck, can't fuck, with no reflection today."
I hate that feeling of waiting for your ears to pop.
I started the morning with Oasis and the Bouncing Souls.
Anyone wanna know what a wonderwall actually is?
It's the one thing that can bring a person down from a bad trip.
That one time that I was having a bad trip everyone was joking about my phone being my wonderwall, really it was the specific person that I was texting.
When I was a teenager (like thirteen through seventeen) I was obsessed with OPIV and Rancid, I literally told everyone that I was gonna marry Tim Armstrong.
I remember there was this kid in my French class who was into punk rock and existential philosophy, he used to always give me shit for only knowing two Hot Water Music songs and thinking that A Clockwork Orange changed my life; his best friend used to always quiz me on early 80's punk bands.
Glad my taste in literature and music knowledge have both evolved since then.
Oooh, Queen of Pain just came on!
"You told me once that I made you smile, we both know damn well I didn't. I'm not much of a jester, but I'd test poison food for you. Your majesty, your royal blue."
Everyone keeps asking me how I feel about Mister J getting married...excited and happy for him.
...and trying to deal with my abandonment issues.
There's a reason I don't trust anyone, everyone either lies to me or leaves me.
After all this time my only defense is that I'm inherently suspicious of everyone.
Okay, well, ilövhju! Chu! <3
This was the sunrise this morning...
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