Lame Tumblr Questions

Because when I'm in a creative wasteland I turn to social media?

Because I'm bored and not busy with snapchat?

Does it matter why, when we have so many pointless questions to answer?

1. If you’ve ever tried drugs or alcohol, what was your reason for first trying it?

Let's see...tried alcohol; 12 years old, I was curious about the taste. It was Michelob light, and I didn't like it. I actually started drinking around 13 or 14, but only liquor and wine. I got stoned the first time on Christmas when I was 14. That's when I started smoking regularly. I tried shrooms when I was 18, didn't like it ('cause I had a bad trip). And I tried coke recently, didn't particularly care for it (the taste is awful). My experimentation with various drugs was either curiosity in some respects and self-medication in others (my short foray into pill popping, for example).

2. Do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectedly turned up pregnant right this second?

Depends on whose baby; but honestly I'm too young to have a kid, so yes.

3. If you were far from home and needed to sleep for the night, would you choose to rent a crappy motel room for $60 or sleep in your car for free?

Depends on how long I need to sleep or if I need to shower, stuff like that.

4. Is there a color shirt you’d NEVER wear?

I never wear orange...maybe I subconsciously don't like the colour.

5. Is there a situation where you caved into peer pressure and regretted it?

Not that I can remember. When I told my friends "no" I meant it, and when I did stuff it was because I genuinely wanted to.

6. What is your favorite video game console? Why?

Sega Dreamcast or PS2, both because of nostalgia.

7. Do you like vanilla candles?

Yes?

8. Have you ever been in a relationship that was going great, and then suddenly something weird happened and you just KNEW it was going to be over soon?

I think everyone gets a feeling in their gut when a relationship is about to end. And if I was being truthful, weird stuff just happens in general... I'm not sure how to answer this question.

9. Would you ever bleach your hair platinum blonde?

No. Maybe white. Like Virgin Snow...

10. What are your plans for tomorrow?

To drop dead.

11. What did you have for breakfast?

I don't eat breakfast.

12. Have you had sex in 2014 yet?

Yes.

13. Who last slept in your bed besides you?

Do pets count? Idk, nobody has slept in my bed for awhile... It's a lonely bed.

14. What time did you wake up today?

5-something AM

15. How long until your next birthday?

End of April.

16. What was the last movie you watched?

Rose Red???

17. If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose?

Streetlight Manifesto. Also wouldn't mind seeing Trio again.

18. When did you last consume something that had peanut butter?

Last night.

19. What’s the last song you heard?

Probably some stupid thing Mister J played for me. Or was it Billy Idol? I don't even remember.

20. When you say you love someone, do you mean it?

Of course. Don't you? 

21. Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?

I wish.

22. Do you still talk to any of your ex’s?

Most of them.

23. As of this minute, what is going through your mind?

Fuck life.

24. Where’s the last place you went?

The park.

25. Have you held hands with anyone lately?

No, it's sad. :(

26. Has anyone let you down recently?

Don't wanna talk about it.

27. Does it bother you when people try to make you jealous?

A little, because it's stupid. But otherwise, no.

28. Whats the next movie you want to see in theaters?

29. Do you have more than $50 in your room?

30. Are both of your blood parents still in your life?

Not really.

31. Were you tired when you woke up this morning?

Fuck yes.

32. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

I don't think I associate with enough people for that to happen, or at least I hope not....shit.

33. When was the last time you went apple picking?

Never.

34. Do you sometimes wake up in the morning, lay in bed and think about life?

Always.

35. Are you happy christmas is coming soon?

I'm indifferent about Christmas.

36. Do you have drama in your life?

Everybody has drama. How you choose to deal with it is what matters.

Quantum Pheromones

He sent me a snapchat last night!

Why am I so excited?

Dunno.

Just am.

He's fun to talk to....

Yes, I do have a stupid smile on my face.

He genuinely makes me laugh though.

One day I have to thank Kuma-kun for making me get snapchat, seriously.

I threw such a fit about how I'd never use it and I even deleted it once.

*laugh*

Weird that it ended up being useful and fun.

It actually is fun, Kingpin has the best snaps ever.

And I like when cute boy snaps me because we always send each other funny faces.

Blah, wow, I'm really writing a post about snapchat...Lordy, what has happened?

There was a point when I wanted to discuss existential philosophy in this blog, but I've somehow sunk to posts about snapchat.

Help.

Pink Penis Pancakes

A lot of my post titles are inside jokes; but I always end up forgetting the joke, and then nothing makes sense anymore.

Mister J said that if I grow my hair out long enough to sit on, he'll buy all my hair products for the rest of forever.

I'm all over the place today.

Honestly, lately I just feel really weird.

Like I've gotten over literally everything.

At the same time I feel a weird sense of nostalgia about the past....like loneliness, but not even that.

It's almost longing for a state of being, I guess.

And on top of all that I feel super hyper and more like myself than I have in an extremely long time.

Yet I still feel overwhelmed, slightly depressed, super frustrated.

I'm just a big ball of nerves and contradictions.

Maybe this is simply me finding myself again.

Also it could be the whole genuinely being single and not having any interest in that sort of thing, 'cause I haven't felt like that in over a year...

Actually this is kinda where I was before Kuma-kun, but more in the space before the vulnerability that made me think that having a relationship with anyone would be a good idea.

But if you think about it I've spent almost this entire year chasing guys....

Kuma-kun, Satan, Leo, various other rebound/casual dates.

Probably why I'm so hestitant to get involved with this cute boy who showed back up in my life, or why I get so uncomfortable when The Jester brings up the possibility of us dating in the future (his dad and dad's boyfriend keep mentioning it apparently).

I need to be alone right now, and for now I'm kinda happy like that.

My nails are a really pretty shade of purple.

I started reading the Dark Elf Trilogy yesterday, because Menzoberranzan feels like a better place than SoCal at the moment.

I should go heat up some curry, because I'm starving; but I'm too damn lazy.

Dinosaur Steroids

Is there even a reason to write?

Catwoman said things will never be the same between the three of us again.

She was talking about The Jester, we all hung out for the first time in like three years.

She's right.

The Jester said that he was wrong and can't handle being around her and that she's "not good for" him, because she was his first love.

Or something like that.

I haven't talked to him since we all hung out a few days ago.

Some part of me hopes that this hasn't sent him over the edge, and another part of me doubts that it would.

*sigh*

Otherwise I've been busy and absentminded.

And that is my life.

Because for all the whining and as unhappy as I usually am, some things don't change, and that's comforting.

The Jester and Catwoman will always be my best friends.

They're still the people that I open up to without even thinking about it.

It's the level of having all these years to grow from being strangers into being family.

So this is what I'm thankful for...the people who are my family, closer to me than my actual blood.

Nothing Extraordinary

This is the product of my boredom and being very high.

And there are ghosts in my house.

And no, I didn't edit the pictures at all.

And yes, my makeup is messed up, thank you for pointing it out.

More meaningful, backdated posts coming soon.

In the meantime this is what you get...

Live with it.

Everything Has Changed, and I Can't Tell What Matters

Nineteen days before I turned seventeen, I wrote that "Fate is erasing everything familiar to me, so that I have a chance to grow."

It's ironic how true that became.

So I've known this guy since middle school and we started talking for the first time in years recently.

And he likes me...I mean we talk for hours.

I'm terrible at texting back, so one time he texted me twice per my replies (the second time to remind me to respond); and he did that all night.

Tonight he just gave up and called me when I finally responded after hours.

He goes out of his way to talk to me, we flirt a little, but mostly we just talk about shit.

I like that he challenges me....and he can keep up with my sense of humour, we have good banter, but he's still so sweet.

And he's the first person who's been able to read me, and that's the scariest thing ever.

He's tried to bribe me with all kinds of stuff to go see him, I wish I could.

I will eventually.

*sigh*

Fuck my shit.

All Hallows' Eve

So guess who Satan's girlfriend is dressed up as...

Harley.....of course.

When I was 17 the first picture I ever sent from my new blackberry was to Satan, it was a picture of me dressed as Harley Quinn.

Ironically enough, earlier this year we talked about me cosplaying her...it came up randomly in conversation.

Also Leo is an asshole......

I really am gonna become one of those lesbians who hate men, aren't I?

Please kill me now...I need to stop being lazy and get everyone's phone numbers from Facebook, so I can delete it and just fall off the fucking face of the planet.

I'm cursed, I have terrible fucking luck...because everything I ever try to do goes wrong.

The Jester and I decided that everytime I cry I'm birthing little baby antichrists.

Maybe this is my descent into genuine lunacy.

I know I'm acting crazy.

Please don't tell me.

I'm completely aware that I'm starting to go over the edge.

Some days I wonder why I even bother trying to find my way out of the chaos.

There's a Halloween update and similarly themed Insta-post coming tomorrow.

Plus more lamenting about how Leo doesn't give a fuck about me, please stay tuned/

For now enjoy my crazy.

Update From Hell

I'm so mad....

Because Leo texts me "good morning" every day now; yes, he finally texts me first.

"Too little, too late."

Why is it that now that I'm trying to get over him he shows interest?!

And when I don't respond, he messages me again. Hah!

"I don't fucking care anymore..."

You know a funny thing?

If "day after" pills were cheaper Ivy wouldn't be about to have a baby right now....

I'm really high.

Every woman understands 'Sex and The City' it doesn't matter who they are.

It's one thing that I can't help but love.

Why is it that one guy I loved moved on because I waited too long and the other one just flat out never had feelings for me?

No more hippie OBceans, I'll never date another person from OB.

I need to get the fuck outta this town.

Reasons you should excercise self-control and quit talking to that person: because you should excercise self-control and quit talking to them.

Besides, I think he got himself a new girl (I'm not spying, just observant)

But he added some girl to his friends list and she's been liking all his pictures.

Also he's been constantly on Facebook but hasn't been posting anything because everytime I go to send him a message (and usually manage to stop myself) he's active.

Nobody in their right mind spends that much time absentmindedly scrolling through their feed.

Which is part of the reason I'm deleting it.

All his friends are on my feed, I'm tired of thinking about him and his friends.

I don't even want to be reminded of it...

And all the stupid people I went to highschool with are on there too.

I want to fall off the face of the earth right now.

It's just one of those days when I hate everything and everyone.

I'm so unhappy.

I can't handle relationships, I thought that with the right person it'd be okay...but I'm not sure a person exists in this world who can handle all the aspects of my personality.

Maybe I need to go find myself....

Insta-Post of The Day ☽♡☾

This lovely lady gets two posts because everything about these pictures is perfect. What caught my eye is her hair color, and my favorite thing is her fluffy kitty ears.

And the second post of the day is Olivia, who I found on Lookbook quite a few years ago. One thing I can say about her is that her style is always on point, and always feels a bit pagan goth...very mystical. I love how witchy this picture is.

Already Rolling In My Grave

"I'm gonna get my life together," I say, as I sit here with an ounce of weed.

*sigh*

Can we just #stonerproblems

Does anyone remember that one website???

What was it?

ThatHigh.com

Real thing right there, that was highschool for me.

Not that much ever really changes...

The only time I ever thought I was gonna quit for good is after Mister J went into rehab.

But like clockwork I eventually started up again.

And I'm writing this now as I'm smoking an ounce of weed.

I want Miss Cherry to come home...

Have I ever mentioned her before?

She's been such a huge part of my life these past few years, but this blog has missed a lot of my life during that span of time.

There's been months that I've gone without a single post.

But to tell you the truth during those spans of time I'm not sure what I would've written about.

I want Miss Cherry to teach me how to cook and to do my nails, and to go out with, experiment with drinks, smoke weed with...

Honestly she's been the closest thing to a mother since maybe my grandmother.

The only other person who ranks close is my old mentor.

*sigh*

And I miss her brownies, I swear they could cure anything.

Did I mention I have a cold and it fucking sucks?!

Rawr.

I'm going to bed now.

"Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the gremlins bite! *chomp, chomp*"

Just another thing to make me sad.

I'll never get to hear him say it again.

But I get to read it every night in a meaningless routine text...

Is it weird that out of everything, that's the thing that hurts the most.

I wish he'd quit saying it altogether, it just makes me want to cry.

Can you tell that I'm really not over it?

As much as I'm trying to be.

I haven't been this whole "months-worth-of-crying" bent out of shape since the infamous "Satan breakup".

And that is terrifying.

I've already sworn off men and dating....

Which means lots of casual lesbian sex for me! (Yay!)

I didn't think that he'd be the guy to send me to the other team like that.

Can't believe how hurt I am over all this stupid shit.

But I said I didn't believe in dating, and I said I wanted a friend to watch tv with and fuck occasionally, and I told myself I wasn't going to get attached.

So we all know where I am now.

He's going to the bar and hanging out with his friends, his life seems like it's back to normal.

*more sigh*

I really need to get over this ;^;

Too Many Sad Things

I deleted his number but my phone still decided to keep it under a nameless contact, even my phone is conspiring against me.

I don't wanna talk about him.

I don't even know how I feel anymore.

So much sigh over everything.

This could actually be the worst week of my life.

I found my old journals too, pages upon pages of lamenting over Satan.

Each page either with whatever sweet thing he did for me that day, or me calling him an asshole because of all the years we spent hurting over each other.

The mercury retrograde can please bid us farewell already, because it's ruining my fucking life right now.

I guess you could argue that if I was paying more attention to how you deal with mercury retrograde then I'd be better off.

I actually found a pro/con list that I wrote about Leo awhile ago, I think it says a lot about how I was feeling at the time.

Not to say that there were no "Pros" about him, he had a lot of good traits...but the fact that his negative traits outweigh the positives by so much.

And he doesn't do anything for me emotionally or mentally.

He's cooked for me and made me coffee, took care of me during "Shark Week" and all that is sweet.

He took me to comic con for a day and dragged me around, I didn't look at what I wanted to look at and when I did he seemed uninterested.

He took me to a concert because I found out he was going with his ex and he could tell it made me uncomfortable.

I missed the chance to go in the pit and enjoy seeing my favorite band play.

Because we were waiting for his ex (the stripper) who showed up late, and spent their entire set following her around because she wanted to smoke.

But they both got to see the band they were waiting for.

He bought me flowers because his uncle suggested it.

I could go on like this for hours, all the little things that have consistently disappointed me.

That's what makes me cry, the fact that he never fucking gave a shit about me, and I kept trying to convince myself that he did.

When we got back from comic con his dad asked him if he bought me anything and when he told his dad that he didn't, his dad asked why...Leo turns to me and asks me why I didn't ask him to buy me anything.

*sigh*

He saw what I was excited about, heard me say I wish I had $30 more for the Sailor V action figure that I've been excited about for months.

The truth is he probably just didn't wanna spend his money on me.

When he took me to the concert he talked his parents into buying me a ticket.

His parents adore me, the majority of his friends like me.

Consistently his excuse for not asking me out has been his "lifestyle" and his "friends"

The only one who doesn't really like me is his mistress.

So many fucking things like that.....

His sister came to visit from Texas and he was gonna leave me at his house so he could go to the bar with her.

Right after my house had burned down, after I had asked him if he's sure that it won't impose if I come over, he's the one who fucking invited me to come; then when I tried to go home we got into a fight about how I'm not being understanding.

It's been six fucking months, but he says I'm not patient enough.

That I "didn't even give this a chance"

Certainly not six months worth of chances....

It's my fault though, I should've been aware that he didn't like me and I should have protected myself better.

I'm done, if I date anyone it'll be a girl.

Relationships are not for me, obviously I'm meant to be alone.

Reading all my journals again is just convincing me that Satan was really the person that I was suppose to be with all along.

But of course it's much too late for me to finally admit everything.

And I wouldn't anyway, because he seems happy and that's all I ever really wanted for him.

I'm gonna be an old hag, the epitome of catlady-hood.

I hung out with Princess today (so I guess a few good things came out of my relationship with Leo).

He's sweet, I forgot what it's like to actually hang out with someone who listens to you, someone I actually have fun with....I need crazy people in my life, people who know who they are.

Leo clearly doesn't know himself the way he needs to, or maybe we just really aren't compatible.

And I miss Satan.

He likes all my nerdy statuses on Facebook.

I have Blink 182 stuck in my head.

Would you believe that I still hate the word goodbye?

Getting Over You

He said that I'll cry when I watch the first episode of Game of Thrones; I didn't tell him that I'm so fucked up over him that South Park actually made me cry earlier.

Everything has been making me cry the last couple days, I can't stop....

Crying into my coffee, bawling my eyes out and waiting for rain.

I don't wanna talk about what happened, but literally everything is a trigger for tears.

I didn't sleep or eat for 48 hours almost...

Mister J says that the reason I'm hurting so badly is that I never processed my breakup with Satan, and Leo was just a bandage for that wound.

Although to be honest, in the first days of Leo and I hanging out, I remember thinking to myself that it felt a little like hanging out with Satan a few years ago.

Leo has been at his Mistress' house for like three or four days now.

We aren't really talking....

I wish I could just magick all the pain and anxiety away.

I feel like I'm dying, this is horrible.

Annual Hotel Party and Other Shit

I am an idiot, because I just accidentally knocked over my vape and it fell into my bong.

#thefamilythatsmokestogetherstaystogether

You know that I'm being trendy in a sarcastic way.

Do you think I'd really buy into that bullshit?

Nah, fuck that.

I shouldn't have gone to Shadow King's annual hotel party...it was just a big mess.

Drama and vomit...

It was amazing to see everyone and I did have fun, but if I could do it over I wouldn't have gone.

Fuck I've changed so much.

Why does everybody slam doors?

The mercury retrograde is fucking my shit up.

I keep having to tell myself to chill the fuck out, because really I need to chill the fuck out.

Shit has been crazy...you know I don't think the name Leo fits him in this blog.

Too late to change it now though, haha.

Truly?

I think he's quite lost...

Insta-Post OTD

Teehee...I'm so trendy.

Someday maybe I'll expose this blog to the people who were in it, just send them all from an anonymous account.

Maybe I'll send them under a name that only people who truly know me would know.

Pfft...the only person out of all of them who knows that name is Kuma-kun.

Catwoman has seen the blog, but of course I've exposed most of my silly secrets to her over the years.

Southern Boy has seen it, even read some of it.

But he was never too keen on reading my writing, and only I know what that means.

I just got really distracted, didn't I?

Almost turned this into an update post....

Oh, but my heart is rotting.

I'm thinking about deleting my Facebook, and becoming a hermit.

Ironically this post is about my favorite Instagram pictures of the day, maybe this could even be a regular thing.

Maybe.

Because, holy crap this makeup...

Just in the interest of classic goth girl fashion.

I wonder if it's counterintuitive to have a blog about my personal life like this.

Did I used to be more insightful, back when I read books and watched interesting movies...and went on crazy adventures???

*sigh*

How has my life become so boring?

And why should I lament it?

Enough prattle.

Queen of The Fucking Universe signing out.

"Fuck you, thank you, I love you all!"

Sweet Things and Nonsense

My cat is a klutz, a big loveable oaf.

Maybe I cursed him by naming him after a bumbling dwarf.

Or maybe he inherited my clumsiness...

My other cat is a ninja, I can never hear him or tell where he's been; even his meow is quiet.

You know bunnies kinda look like gnomes sometimes.

I'm really fucking high right now, shit.

I don't listen to much ska anymore...

Mostly Reel Big Fish, Catch 22, Rancid, Streetlight, Less Than Jake, The Barrymores and The Mighty Bosstones are the bands that I still love.

Of course all the classics that cross into the genre in general.

I still love ska, but it's that I've gotten so picky about the music I like.

And that's with every genre...

I'm not even ranting, okay?

Blah.

I don't know what to do today, and I'm writing nonsense.

The two sweetest things he's probably ever said to me;

It made me aww and squee all over the place.

I have a question?

Is it bad that I post these things if I post them anonymously?

In fact I've looked at the stats and most of the people who've ever even looked at this blog are in different countries...

Ghetto Wonderland

So Satan was gonna start playing online games with me (like Archeage, lol), but he quit talking to me again.

Shadow King had one of his infamous hotel parties for his 22nd birthday this weekend.

And I got to see everyone.

Snuff, the boy with green eyes, Newb (who's not so much of a newb anymore), all the people that were there through everything.

When we first got there some people were calling me Bunny, I told them all to call me by my actual name.

I threw up twice, but the first time wasn't my fault.

Snuff told me that he would marry me, and the two of us and the boy with green eyes are all supposed to go on a Disney cruise together.

He also kept trying to kiss me...

The boy with green eyes kept trying to kiss me too, he said he's always had feelings for me, and a long time ago he wanted me to have his kids.

I took care of him while he was puking in the bathroom....the next day he barely remembered anything, but he apologized anyway.

Snuff left without saying goodbye, because I chased after Leo.

Speaking of which, Leo was jealous that I was so close to guy friends (which I always have been); so he left and sat down the street at these tables with a couple of other people.

Skunk came back and got mad at me because Leo was upset and earlier he had wanted me to talk to Leo but I wasn't sure how, they were all about to leave so I ran after Leo.

The boy with green eyes decided to come after me, he always feels like he has to protect me.

Leo and I had a long talk about everything and ended up okay.

Snuff was gone when we got back...he left without even saying goodbye.

Leo and I cuddled all night.

The next day was pretty relaxed, a lot of people went home, so we just chilled....some people had a balloon fight while the rest of us went to pick up stuff.

Catwoman came the second day and brought us snacks, I won at Bullshit too.

Leo and I had another talk the second night, we both ended up crying, but it feels like we broke through some barriers between the two of us.

We cuddled again that night too.

As of right now I won't date him, even if he asked me, but he'll never ask me....

I just want someone who loves me, who puts me first; because that's how I am about relationships.

You know it's been five months since we started hanging out, since we started liking each other like that.

Mister J is still livid about how Leo has treated me, so he went off about it yesterday.

After the party I spent a whole day hanging out with Shadow King's new boy and his friends, it was really fun.

I adore his new boy too, I think we're gonna be good friends.

(We're supposed to hang out today too).

And then Shadow King, his boy, and I all went to the park at like 1am.

We played on all the cool play structures, and talked.

I talked to Mister J about moving out yesterday, he wants me to stay here and go to school.

I want my own space though, *sigh* I'm not sure if I should leave or not.

And lastly my phone got shut off because nobody had money for the bill, not having a phone has been a pain in the ass.

That's pretty much everything, the whole sordid mess of my life.

Leo has been sending me sweet messages the last day or so, but it's always like that after he's seen me.

Give it a few days and we'll be back to normal.

He won't talk to me until I talk to him, and that's disappointing.

So It Goes...

“You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.”

-Azar Nafisi

So in prison they have this tattoo of three dots on your hand, and it's supposed to mean "my crazy life" in Spanish.

Sometimes that's how I feel; "my crazy life..."

As if there's nothing to say about it.

I'm at the point of just not giving a fuck anymore.

Did I tell you I saw Satan for the first time in over a year?

He called me at 2:00am a couple of days ago, I was asleep so I didn't find out why...

He probably just took a week to randomly miss me at two in the morning.

Yeah, so I stopped in and smoked a bowl with him, his gf, and one of his old friends (#tbt The Crew).

I have nothing else to say about it.

If you've been here awhile you'll know exactly who The Crew is...

"How the Hell did we get here? Pan left to the steeple of the church...Christmas Eve last year..."

Yes, quoting Rent.

I gave up on Leo.

Nothing to say about that either.

Sometimes I think maybe I should leave this damn city.....we all know how that goes though.

I'll be homesick for palmtrees and the Pacific within a month.

It's been so long since I've written early in the morning, smelling the ocean.

I feel too much like myself lately....

Not another heartbroken mess, I assure you.

That's a lie.

I'm seriously hurt, because I told Leo that I just want to be friends.

Because he made me wait too long for some sort of sign that I should stay.

It hurts...it fucking hurts.

But hey, I've been through it before...haven't I?

I'd rather be single than be unhappy.

I'm not sure that Leo and I were compatible to begin with, or maybe we have issues...or maybe he can't give me himself, because he doesn't know himself.

"'Cause we find ourself in the same old mess, singing drunken lullabies."

I understand that he's been so extremely traumatized over relationships, but I can't handle it.

Everything is weird, I don't wanna start in on everything else...

Adjusting to living with people, dealing with being alone; the world is in upheaval.

Alley Cat had her baby finally, if anyone was curious.

Anyway, I'm done.

With relationships, with emotions, with people...

"Fuck you, thank you, I love you all."

But what really am I supposed to do with all these useless days.

It's fighting the urge to die as I wake.

I've Been Possessed By My Pussy!

So Satan Skype called me last night and I didn't answer...so earlier this afternoon he called me twice and texted me, I didn't even know that he saved my number.

He was actually worried about if I have a place to stay.

I'm just dying, too much blog-worthy stuff has happened lately; where could I even begin?

Another Road To Nowhere-land

So my house caught on fire today...

My grandpa's roommate is an idiot and set off all the gunpowder and ammunition, the house literally almost burned down.

And guess who didn't even call when I told him that I was standing outside, hearing explosions and seeing flames.

But guess who did actually check on me for no reason other than to make sure I'm okay.

Satan, of course he saw my distressed Facebook posts and asked me if I was okay.

He and Southern Boy calmed me down....

Princess (who weirdly I have never mentioned) invited me to stay for a few days if I needed to.

All Leo could say is "I'm sorry :((("

And asked me if I'm drinking water since I breathed in so much smoke.

But you'd think that someone he cares so much about he would try to make me feel better since my fucking house almost burned down.

But he's watching Doctor Who with his parents.

These last few weeks I'm increasingly aware that we aren't right for each other at all.

I could go on for hours about all his issues and how frustrated I am at the lack of effort that he puts into this.

The fact that after all these years Satan is still the one who asks me if I'm okay and talks to me until I am.

I'm a little kid, and I've got little problems.

So it's a good time to say stuff....

Like both parties in this "relationship" seem to be quickly growing bored of each other.

Is that what's going on???

Yeah, seems like it.

*sigh*

Always too good to be true, and I'm too old for this shit.

Still, I'm a little on the heartbroken side....like after Satan heartbroken.

Because we've known each other for years, and we've spent so much time together these last few months.

It kind of sucks to realize that I either don't mean enough to him, or that I mean too much.

We're both so fucked up....it feels too much like what I went through with Satan.

Their personalities are too similar...

Why are we all so "damaged"?

I don't know how I'll come out of this at all.

Intergalactic Bun

So much has happened since last I posted; prepare for a long, somewhat personal post.

*sigh*

My crazy life...

I'm a girlfriend without the title, and yet he's the first guy who has ever fought to keep me.

Also he's the first guy to buy me flowers or kiss me in the rain.

It's natural and easy for us to be together, we spend weeks together.

Our lives have become intertwined, and there are so many things that I love about him.

I feel the same unconditional love towards him that I felt towards Satan.

I hate that everyone has this notion of love as all or nothing.

Love happens gradually, you grow to love someone...from something very small, into something magnificent.

I know it's been an eternity since I've posted, and for that I am sorry.

A multitude of reasons have kept me away from both my pen and keyboard...which I won't discuss at this time.

I went from being so utterly disillusioned with the spectrum of human emotions in particular, and my fellow humans in general....to being myself again.

Remember that girl sitting under the trees, gazing up at the sky, breathing in her brief moment of complete peace?

I feel like that person again, and I have Leo to thank for it.

Not because he did anything astounding...but just that by being who he is, he brought me back to who I am at my core.

And because he reads my mind all the time, without even knowing it.

I have no words, because he's exactly the type of person that I needed all along.

Even the things about him that I should find annoying, become the things that make me smile.

We spend weeks together, but it feels as if we've been doing this for years.

He's intelligent, challenges me, makes me laugh all the time, he's so passionate about the things he loves...

I love that his eyes turn green sometimes, and they crinkle when he smiles.

Just the way he smells is comforting to me, hearing his voice instantly makes me stop crying.

He's so warm and cute, and sweet, and....please stop me, I'm just going to keep talking about him.

I don't want to jinx it anyway.

Oh, but I've found myself loving another person with that same profound, unconditional love that I had for Satan all those years ago.

Speaking of Satan, I was wrong about which girl he's dating...just so you know.

I feel like I can finally let him go, like he's finally found someone who'll take care of him.

We'll always be friends, I think...all these years of inadvertently being there for each other must count for something.

My life right now is mostly just comprised of getting my life together and spending time with Leo.

I'm not even sure what to talk about, I'm so exhausted....today was really long.

Maybe I'll tell everyone more later...

Intergalactic Boobies

I wonder if he and i are going to be this way when we're older...I wonder if we'll both be in our 30s/40s and I'll get to watch him roll joints, just like he is at this moment.

That's how much I like this guy...

Goddamn, it's been a crazy few weeks, and I just can't seem to complete a post lately.

This weekend Leo Darling got me a ticket to go to Comic Con with him.

And then I found out he was going to a concert with his ex, so he got me a ticket to that because he thought I was nervous that he was going with her.

It was really fun though, I got to see NoFx play.

*sigh*

He kinda has been stressing me out though, in a very indirect way.

What I mean by this is that he refuses to sleep with me...I've tried everything and he's made every excuse ever.

Also, he said he was gonna ask me out when we met Kevin Smith, but then he found out that he wasn't going to be there on the day that we went.

I just wish he'd reciprocate my affections....now I understand why guys get mad when girls don't put out, this is so frustrating.

Fuck Fuck Fuckety Fuck Fuck Fuckingg Shit Fuck.

So, ironic that my keyboard doesn't wanna work right...

And the one song by The Fratellis that Satan didn't ruin for me?

Fuck you.

My life right now is a fucking hysterical mess.

I am borderline psychopathic nervous breakdown.

I feel like I'm at the point of no return....

You see, I believe in predestination...the decisions I make at this very moment will determine who I am for the rest of my adult life.

It's terrifying, and overwhelming.

I Don't Really Wanna Get Along

I am resisting the urge to drink three Rockstars at once.

Well, you missed the part where I start buying weed from Leo's spirit family, and hanging out with them.

Yeah, that happens now....

I have a lot of reservations about Leo.

So, Mistress or we can call her Oneesama...or I call her Milady, she's awesome.

I still hate the idea of being part of a BDSM group, but I'm willing to do this for him.

Besides I have always been curious about it.

I'm starting to have doubts about him liking me; though Star and Milady both want him to ask me out...

Actually Milady was hoping that when I posted that relationship status as a joke that he had asked me out.

Everyone is still asking if we're together....

Milady says he's just being a pussy.

Maybe he's gay, maybe I'm fat, maybe he just doesn't like me...whatever the case, he never wants to touch me.

Aren't I too young to have this problem?

He always says, "Not right now."

I'm running out of ideas...

And Milady warned me about a couple of his exes....and I happened to meet one.......and surprise! I don't like her.

Shocker isn't it, considering the girls he used to hang out with.

He keeps saying their not bad people, but she seems genuinely fake.

Milady said that this girl still has a hold on him, it seems that way sometimes...I had a feeling before she said anything.

It's not even my business, because I'm giving up on him.

Mister J said that as much as he likes Leo that there's a lot of red flags, he seems sad for me.

Because he says that Leo can't be the guy I want him to be, this is why relationships don't work; placing unrealistic expectations on people.

So this is what it's like to be friend-zoned...

He keeps saying "...when we date..."

Am I just being impatient then?

It's just that he always acts so uninterested in me, but he always says he misses me.

I never know what to think anymore.

By the time he asks me out I'll have already moved on, because he's taking that long.

Or maybe he never will, I'm giving him one more chance, then I'm giving up.

I Lied, You Bother Me

Song of The Day: History of a Boring Town- Less Than Jake

"My conscience gone, this conversation's dragging on. There was once upon a time, when you would miss me too."

I've just been eternally listening to ska and trying to find my way through the catastrophe that is life.

The Jester asked me what kind of energy shift I've been feeling lately...

A chaotic one, chaotic as fuck.

"What kind of chaotic?"

"I don't know......I can't describe it."

"Notice the details, it's guided chaos."

It is though, isn't it?

What do you want me to say?

Even the air is charged...the energy lately is electrifying.

I'm crazy right now, that's the only way to describe it...I know myself well.

It's one of those moods...where I wanna get wasted and drive too fast, where anything could happen.

Sometimes I forget that this happens, it's so rare.

"You say you've got the cure, but I don't have a disease. You say you have the answers, but I made no inquiries."

And then this shit comes on...you never really are able to run from the past.

A wise man once said, "You have to live with what you've seen, but you're living anyway."

The Future Freaks Me Out

Feel better?

Wanna join my happy little bubble???

You'll Never Know What Goes On Inside My Head

So I'm finally home and I have no clue where to start, because so much is going on.

Leo got me some bud that I really like, it has a lovely smell and taste.

The type of high it gives you is pretty sweet too...

I'm so tired..... *sigh*

I think he really likes me.

Like texting me while he's out drinking with his friends at 2:00am, just to tell me about his night and ask how I'm doing...

Also he didn't go drinking on his birthday because he wanted to hang out with me (I'm not sure if it's entirely because of me since he doesn't normally drink anyway, but still).

And he took me out to dinner with his parents, I feel so loved *laugh*

But seriously, this is what dating is supposed to feel like.

We got so baked on his birthday, like holy shit.

And I ended up watching sailor moon with Mistress (I'm just gonna call her this because it's easier).

She loves anime, and I fucking love his spirit family.

I like that Leo and I have a relationship where we're cute and sweet to each other...

Okay, you guys have heard enough of me gushing about a guy.

I got a new bowl piece for my baby;

Speaking of which, have I ever showed Ruby on here?

So that's my *cough* "water-pipe"

Her name is Ruby Soho.

Soooo many snaps, so good.

It was weird to sleep alone last night, although we've haven't been cuddling as much because it's been too warm.

It's strange how easy this is...our parents like each other, Mister J likes him, his parents like me (and holy shit if I ever had to have a mother-in-law it would be his mom), our life goals align pretty well, and just spending this much time with him is so fucking easy.

I'm so comfortable around him, it's really wonderful....like having a best friend.

I love when he puts his arm around me or kisses me on the head, or when we have tickle fights.

I told Mister J that I could see myself completely falling for him, he replied that he thinks I already have.

Apparently I'm in denial about how I feel.

Finally somebody to just watch movies with and talk to.

How did I end up with exactly what I wanted?

I wonder if he would be okay dating, I know neither of us date anymore...but still.

Dinner at The Morgue

Oh, yes, you get a morbid title, because this post is bound to be another explosion of all my pent up emotions.

But I suppose it's alright, I got good advice from an unlikely source.

Hello, well, I talked to Leo about all the stuff bothering me...he was really understanding and said we should just take everything slow, as it turns out we're on the same page after all.

His spirit family is actually super nice, I even like his mistress.

This sounds strange, doesn't it?

I like them all a lot...

The BDSM thing still makes me a little uncomfortable, but I want to take this opportunity to learn about something new.

Leo said he does want to date eventually...all his friends keep asking if we already are dating.

No, we're not...

We did play a little prank over Facebook though, I got tired of guys bothering me so Leo told me I should change my relationship status and see what happens.

Except now all his friends are asking all these questions about if we're together or not.

I spent like a week there, we've just been watching movies and cuddling.

Mister J doesn't believe I haven't slept with him yet.

"Why the hell not?"

*laugh*

Can you tell he really likes Leo?

It kind of feels like we're dating even if we aren't.

Hiro-kun has been annoying the shit out of me so I told him that I didn't wanna talk to him anymore.

Ummm, I went to this rave/club thing with Catwoman, it was really fun.

We met a couple of cool guys and ended up going to Oceanside to drink with them.

Funny thing is we didn't even drink, just watched movies 'til we passed out.

Catwoman wanted me to go to the Def Leppard concert since she had an extra ticket, but I was with Leo.

One of the guys from the rave asked me to hang out last night, but I was busy.

Ivy and I are on speaking terms again btw.

The Plight of a Hopeless Romantic

I'm so laaaaazzzzzyyyyy.

I don't even wanna write anything.

Katja asked me for advice today, she met this guy...he's twenty-one and in a band....she's sixteen, and, well...yeah....

It's so difficult to be logical when you're a teenage girl.

I gave her the best advice I could, she has to make her own decisions though....I just hope I somehow helped in some way.

The story was typical, "he says he wants to marry me, but doesn't text me for days."

Some things never ever ever change.

Leo and I stayed up on Skype 'til about six in the morning...

We talked about a lot of stuff.

He used to cut, that broke my heart.

The only thing I wanted to do was hold him, it looked like he might've been crying...

I told him how I drank bleach that one time, he was really upset about it.

It feels like we got a little closer though, that's good.

No clue how I ended up liking him this much.

He told me more about his spirit family, I feel more at ease even if aspects of this still make me uncomfortable.

I think he likes me though, he keeps implying that we should date....

Not in a straightforward way, I wonder if it's just his subconscious desire to date.

Or if he's scared to get hurt...

Which is totally possible, sounds like we've had similar fucked up relationships.

Why do I like him so much?!

It's awful.

I love that he smells like patchouli and organic soap, and that his eyes turn a darker blue when we're near the ocean...

I need to have a little self-control, but it's just too damn hard not to like him.

So tiny update; the night actually turned out being not that bad...

(My phone is dying).

And I really like him despite whatever issues may come up in the future.

Carry on then...

(More details later).

Blinding Starlight; Resurrection From The Ashes

So I should write, because I'm drunk.

Because this one moment is the only thing that matters, right?

That's what a crazy girl once said to me, she said that I should make this moment count.

I don't know if this second in time really means everything I want it to.

Are you waiting for me to pour my heart out?

To admit all the things that I don't say aloud....

I can't.

And why should I?

Everyone is broken in some crucial way, Mister J says my issues are normal.

Are they?

Does that make them any less detrimental to my functionality or general welfare?

I talked to Mister J about Leo's spirit family...of course he confirmed every horrible projection I had.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid and overthinking stuff, because I don't like the feeling of not being in control of what's happening around me.

But it makes sense that this Mistress of his would probably have deep issues if she has [approx.] twenty different people in and out of this house all the time, and they're all tying each other up with whips and such.

Besides she makes them do assignments and even controls aspects of their lives (this is just what I've gathered from talking to him).

To be fair they could all be amazing people, I'm not one to pass judgment (especially before even meeting them).

But all this makes me...(dare I say it?) uncomfortable.

He said if we start dating his Mistress will probably ask me if I'm okay with all this.

But what if I'm not?

Then what?

Will this be what defines us, what destroys this...before anything has even happened.

I don't like this, for selfish reasons.

It has to do with loyalty, monogamy, trust....

I mean the whole point of this is to write down your kinks and turn-ons in order to explore them with everyone else in the house.

Yeah, I'm serious.

*sigh*

It's his life, his choice, and not even any of my business anyway.

And don't mistake this as me being uncomfortable with BDSM, I'm just uncomfortable with a poly lifestyle.

Which is what he's into, which is why this won't work...

Didn't I say I wasn't gonna get attached anyway?

After Satan got back together with his ex, and I said fuck this.

Witness the birth of the ice queen....

Honestly, truly, who said it matters.

I just drank a whole bottle of Smirnoff by myself, obviously I just can't deal with life.

No, really, fuck this.

I'll just detach from everything, live my own life, follow the road that makes sense to me...

Should I be honest?

Since this blog is supposed to be all about honesty...

I think the reason I'm uncomfortable with dating someone who's involved with a BDSM group like this stems mostly from my trust issues.

And also the idea of dating someone who's getting turned on by someone else really bugs me.

Mister J says that even though he likes Leo it seems like he has "daddy issues" so I should just have fun and not get too serious.

The reason that I ask Mister J for advice is because we think alike, but maybe that's the problem.

Times like this I wish I had a mother...

I know how depressing this post must be, it's not like I have anyone to tell all this shit to.

Nobody reads this anyway.....

So what?

I'm stuck between being the type of person I think I should be, which leads to me being crazy and uninhibited, but ultimately unfulfilled.

There's a middle-ground, right?

Between the "femme fatale", cold-hearted, unattached person that I am trying so desperately to become....and the person I've always been, emotional, warm, caring, kind.

I can't do both, I don't know how.

A need arises to choose between the two.

That's the problem with having feelings for Leo, because I'm either all in or I walk away altogether.

You're in this or you're not.

I'm attached or completely detached.

So there's another question; what am I doing emotionally attached to someone who barely knows me?

We hardly know each other...

I know that there's intuition, he reads my thoughts all the time, but I don't think that compensates for lack of actually knowing all the complexities of another human's personality.

Me? You know me, nonexistent readers.

You know I'm spilling all my messy paranoia, pessimistic doubt all over something that could be the incarnation of love and happiness.

I'm over-exaggerating.

There's nothing else to say about this, is there?

Mister J says that he'll know a person is right for me when I don't come to him with all these doubts.

Because apparently I'll just know.

Sounds like a copout, don't it?

But wait!

Aren't I supposed to be that girl who doesn't believe in romantic love, don't I want love affairs in hotels across Europe???

I'm a liar.

I said it.

I can't take it back now.

We all know by now that I'm just scared, terrified that I'll have another experience like the one with Satan....

*baggage, lots of it*

What I honestly want?

To wake up next to someone who likes me even if I'm crazy, pessimistic, suffering from chronic depression.

Someone who likes midnight walks, watching movies, road-trips...

A person who makes me feel at ease, whom I know that I can trust....with my life, with my heart.

I want a person I can talk to, someone who likes me just as much as I like them.

Sick-o-me by the Descendents just came on...all the wrong songs have been playing all day.

That's enough for now, nobody needs more of my psychobabble and insecurities.

And this fucking song...

The song....if you know me then you know exactly which song I'm referring to.

"You may find out that your self-doubt means nothing was ever there, you can't go forcing something if it's just not right."

I'll end on that note, with my favorite song and a billion stars on a cloudless summer night.

The Road to Nowhere

The Unfinished Tales of Henwen, The Dwarf Bun; Conquerer of Worlds.

*obsessed*

Bunnies make amazing friends...

Leo is wonderful.

I took him to a bonfire with Mister J's friends the other night, and we went to the street fair the next day, and it was all lovely.

Everything is lovely, I'm the happiest kitten in the world.

Mister J genuinely likes him, first time he's ever liked anyone...ever.

And I adore his parents!

He didn't want me to leave last time, it was so sweet.

So adorable, I can't even handle it.

Leo darling, wants to take me to meet his BDSM/Spiritual family.

I'm nervous and excited...what if they don't like me?!

Or what if they're really awesome?!

I'm just so anxious!

*sad bun*

And his birthday is next week, but I'm not 21 so I can't celebrate with him...because he's probably going to a bar.

Why are all my friends so old?

Why is something like the legality of alcohol consumption based on a stupid fucking number?

Giving In

"Mister Gepetto, 

I hope this finds you well, I wrote this letter because they miss you here in Hell."

Does anyone even know when I last updated???

Everything is so sporadic lately.

I know a cute guy, with long hair, a rad beard, and a lightsaber tattooed on his finger.

The problem with knowing a cute, intelligent guy; actually liking him.

It's the perfect time to blog, I'm finally awake and I've had my "morning" bowl.

Song of The Day: Ungrateful- Streetlight Manifesto, The Hands That Thieve

So I'm a little *cough* obsessed with Toh Kay.

I spent a couple days with Leo, smoking bowls and watching movies in our pajamas.

*laugh*

He's adorable, and I kinda *cough* really like him....I don't know how this happened, haha.

Mister J really likes him, he said that Leo reminds him of himself when he was young.

(Dropkick Murphys, yeah?)

Now that he and I are getting to know each other, I enjoy spending time with him, learning to understand him better, learn his soul...

It's interesting, a connection with depth.

Not much else has been going on (that's a downright lie).

Hiro-kun?

Why the fuck did he tell me that he loved me?

Oi...terrible.

I'm tired.....and my memory is going.....going.......gone.

Catwoman asked me to do something this weekend, I can't remember what it was...or if it was even her that asked me.

Always chasing the one guy who could give a fuck less...that's me.

It happens, shit happens; I guess.

But I'm pretty sure that this time it's worth it, because it feels different somehow.

And nothing is ever fun unless it's a challenge.

Besides people have to earn my loyalty, it's not something I give freely.

"I don't care if you care, or if you understand. I got me, and that's all I need. I live comfortably, and I sleep peacefully. I got no cash!"

Fucking Rainbow Sheep

Being here and hearing this song...

It's enough to bring tears to my eyes.

Yesterday was awful.

My life is crazy right now, it's a mess.

So long since I've been here this early in the morning.

Lately I've been filled with nostalgia, because sometimes the past repeats itself.

And sometimes it comes to meet you at the crux where it lives in harmony with the future.

This is where I am.

I'm befriending the past *laugh*

Becoming something akin to what I once was.

What I choose to do in this moment will affect everything else that happens from here.

Where do I even fucking start???

So much is going on right now...

Did I mention that I became friends with the guy Ivy was sleeping with, she was really mad about it, he and I went to the movies, Ivy and I quit talking for a few days, but now everything seems okay.

Let's call him Hiro-kun (for reasons)....

The day before yesterday I went down to OB, met a cute guy who played guitar, he played me my favorite song but messed up the words really bad, it was still nice.

Then I saw this one girl I haven't seen in forever, she's homeless so I ended up hanging out with all the homeless kids most of the day, I really like them because they welcomed me into their family, and they share everything they have even if it's not much, they've got your back even if you're fucked up, we drank beer and smoked on the cliffs, found this one dog's owner (his name was Atticus, pit and lab mix, he was a sweetie)....

Yeah, it was really fun.

Then I had sushi with Hiro-kun and went to his cousin's house (she used to be one of my friends in school, it was nice to see her, she's still really awesome).

We ended up going to the taco shop really late at night and having a My Little Pony marathon.

We spent the night there...

Yesterday I went to Dave 'n Busters with Catwoman, Hiro-kun and one of his friends (the guy I got my poly-sci book from Junior year, he's actually a really cool person even though we never hung out before).

I failed at DDR and Guitar Hero, then we played this 3D horror game and I couldn't quit screaming, Hiro-kun won 1,000 tickets on this one game, and he got me a little Hello Kitty plush (she's wearing a sailor suit).

One of our old friends from school works there, the first thing he asked me is if I had a boyfriend and he kept flirting with me (I used to flirt with him all the time though), he said he could get me a job there.

After all that we went back to Hiro-kun's friend's house, drank and played card games.

And yeah....that's all so far.

(Well, pretty much).

I'm supposed to hang out with Leo today....

The Current State of Affairs (in my life).

It's a serious effort not being high all the time...

Did I mention that I sprained my ankle on the cliffs last week?

It still hurts *sad kitten*

So quick recap of last week???

Yup, that just about sums it up...

But really, I spent lots of time with Catwoman, Lilith, Kingpin, and Jesus.

It was lovely.

Although falling while I was on the cliffs with Jesus wasn't fun....but he's a sweetheart, despite being a little full of himself.

He's cute, and I enjoy hanging out with him.

Actually he's honestly adorable....

We get along well, and we talk a lot.

It's kinda nice...

So here's Catwoman, Lilith, and company.

And my first "peeing selfie" (it's a thing).

That's everything, I guess...

Catwoman said that if we keep hanging out we'll probably be close like we were before.

Secretly I missed her....

Okay, anyway, my phone is dying so I'll be sentimental later.

Btw I'm changing Jesus' name to Leo (ironically enough).

It's ironic because he's a Cancer, and Satan is a Leo.

{Look, I explained stuff! Yay!}

And here's a picture of Lilith and I at the Ska show.