Because this one moment is the only thing that matters, right?
That's what a crazy girl once said to me, she said that I should make this moment count.
I don't know if this second in time really means everything I want it to.
Are you waiting for me to pour my heart out?
To admit all the things that I don't say aloud....
I can't.
And why should I?
Everyone is broken in some crucial way, Mister J says my issues are normal.
Are they?
Does that make them any less detrimental to my functionality or general welfare?
I talked to Mister J about Leo's spirit family...of course he confirmed every horrible projection I had.
Maybe I'm just being paranoid and overthinking stuff, because I don't like the feeling of not being in control of what's happening around me.
But it makes sense that this Mistress of his would probably have deep issues if she has [approx.] twenty different people in and out of this house all the time, and they're all tying each other up with whips and such.
Besides she makes them do assignments and even controls aspects of their lives (this is just what I've gathered from talking to him).
To be fair they could all be amazing people, I'm not one to pass judgment (especially before even meeting them).
But all this makes me...(dare I say it?) uncomfortable.
He said if we start dating his Mistress will probably ask me if I'm okay with all this.
But what if I'm not?
Then what?
Will this be what defines us, what destroys this...before anything has even happened.
I don't like this, for selfish reasons.
It has to do with loyalty, monogamy, trust....
I mean the whole point of this is to write down your kinks and turn-ons in order to explore them with everyone else in the house.
Yeah, I'm serious.
*sigh*
It's his life, his choice, and not even any of my business anyway.
And don't mistake this as me being uncomfortable with BDSM, I'm just uncomfortable with a poly lifestyle.
Which is what he's into, which is why this won't work...
Didn't I say I wasn't gonna get attached anyway?
After Satan got back together with his ex, and I said fuck this.
Witness the birth of the ice queen....
Honestly, truly, who said it matters.
I just drank a whole bottle of Smirnoff by myself, obviously I just can't deal with life.
No, really, fuck this.
I'll just detach from everything, live my own life, follow the road that makes sense to me...
Should I be honest?
Since this blog is supposed to be all about honesty...
I think the reason I'm uncomfortable with dating someone who's involved with a BDSM group like this stems mostly from my trust issues.
And also the idea of dating someone who's getting turned on by someone else really bugs me.
Mister J says that even though he likes Leo it seems like he has "daddy issues" so I should just have fun and not get too serious.
The reason that I ask Mister J for advice is because we think alike, but maybe that's the problem.
Times like this I wish I had a mother...
I know how depressing this post must be, it's not like I have anyone to tell all this shit to.
Nobody reads this anyway.....
So what?
I'm stuck between being the type of person I think I should be, which leads to me being crazy and uninhibited, but ultimately unfulfilled.
There's a middle-ground, right?
Between the "femme fatale", cold-hearted, unattached person that I am trying so desperately to become....and the person I've always been, emotional, warm, caring, kind.
I can't do both, I don't know how.
A need arises to choose between the two.
That's the problem with having feelings for Leo, because I'm either all in or I walk away altogether.
You're in this or you're not.
I'm attached or completely detached.
So there's another question; what am I doing emotionally attached to someone who barely knows me?
We hardly know each other...
I know that there's intuition, he reads my thoughts all the time, but I don't think that compensates for lack of actually knowing all the complexities of another human's personality.
Me? You know me, nonexistent readers.
You know I'm spilling all my messy paranoia, pessimistic doubt all over something that could be the incarnation of love and happiness.
I'm over-exaggerating.
There's nothing else to say about this, is there?
Mister J says that he'll know a person is right for me when I don't come to him with all these doubts.
Because apparently I'll just know.
Sounds like a copout, don't it?
But wait!
Aren't I supposed to be that girl who doesn't believe in romantic love, don't I want love affairs in hotels across Europe???
I'm a liar.
I said it.
I can't take it back now.
We all know by now that I'm just scared, terrified that I'll have another experience like the one with Satan....
*baggage, lots of it*
What I honestly want?
To wake up next to someone who likes me even if I'm crazy, pessimistic, suffering from chronic depression.
Someone who likes midnight walks, watching movies, road-trips...
A person who makes me feel at ease, whom I know that I can trust....with my life, with my heart.
I want a person I can talk to, someone who likes me just as much as I like them.
Sick-o-me by the Descendents just came on...all the wrong songs have been playing all day.
That's enough for now, nobody needs more of my psychobabble and insecurities.
And this fucking song...
The song....if you know me then you know exactly which song I'm referring to.
"You may find out that your self-doubt means nothing was ever there, you can't go forcing something if it's just not right."
I'll end on that note, with my favorite song and a billion stars on a cloudless summer night.
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