Between then and now

Well, well.
I don't really know where to start.
It was like a sudden flood of changes.
What, like suddenly I'm engaged now?
Suddenly I'm graduating early, moving to Italy, getting married....
Where did my plans change?
Was it after my mom and step-dad got divorced, or maybe after I decided to reconcile with my dad, maybe when I finally let go of all those things that made me sad or angry.
So with that said, I'm glad all my dreams are going to come true.
I'm glad that I love him so much, I guess things worked out after all.

Random Thoughts

Why am I smoking cigarettes with a half healed tongue ring?
Who knows.
Who knows why anything happens these days?
This is my crash course in real life.

After Some Whining

I just have to rely on myself.
Wish me luck. Love, Bunny <3

Feeling better.
It just takes time I guess.
But I just got the chance to hold a decapitated rattlesnake, it was pretty awesome.

Within My Looking Glass Lies The Forgotten Past

Oh, my God! I am crazy!
It rushes into my mind, all those things I had forgotten.
It means so much, seen within those dreams.
A mirror in time, I saw this in a dream once.
I was there before it happened, but it happened all the time.
I saw this in a dream once, my long forgotten memories.
Yes, those I adore....maybe, once upon a dream.
I'm writing bad poetry in the dark; oh, my!
Where am I?
Maybe once upon a dream...I was there once, remember?
A song in the background.
In a novel holding fantasy.
Ghosts of my childhood, dance before me.
Ancient riddles lost with time.
I'll be a modern day Keats....the new Queen of Poetry....
Once upon a midnight story.
We call this.....I wonder, it was lost on a path decayed.
Poor Keats sad was his story.
Which brings me to the riddles of time; I'm writing history.
It brings me back to my point that any genius is crazy.
See it in Van Gogh or even Hemmingway.
This is why I'm schizophrenic.
Why is schizophrenia only diagnosed in adulthood?
They should catch it early.
I wish those voices would shut up, but maybe I'm acting.
It's one of those movie scenes, like a once upon a time, we need to stop talking.
Another cliche; oh, really?
Once upon a time; is past tense, right?
The secret to creating a good television serieses is the ability to keep several story lines going simultaneously.
Relatable characters, catchy music, clever humours, and lovely plethora of details....
Conversation is poetry, it has it's own rhythm.
Japan kinda scares me!
They've surely got skeletons in their closets, you can tell by their television.
I mean think about it, really.
Normalcy is starting to sound really good....and I can have both a Lifetime Movie Network and IFC
Fads are subliminal messaging, it has to do with politics...Orwell and Huxley were right.

Nemo

Is it bad that I still feel out of place among my friends?
Or that I remember my daydreams from childhood vividly, while actual events remain so fuzzy on the reel playing in my mind?
My Southern Boy told me that a few months after I broke up with Satan that he talked about me.....
Mostly good things....and then also that he said, "She didn't wait for me. Fuck it, she broke my heart. I'll never forgive her."
And he never did.
I convinced Ivy to call him last week, because we needed a bong.
So we sat on his bed and she said, "It's been such a long time since we've all been here together."
Catwoman was there too, and it felt like old times.
"Don't get all sentimental on me," I replied.
Because the last time we were all there like that things were so different, and it inspired another long pointless chapter in this saga.
It's my fantasy, my sad excuse for a romance novel.
I made them leave soon after, because I couldn't stand being in the same room with him.
And that was the highlight of last week....trying to combat painful memories.
I need a hobbie, don't I?

The Underground Is Overrated

We find ourselves here over and over again, but we are the ones who chose this past; I want out though.
So maybe someday the choice will arise again, and I'll choose something different.
These trees are so familiar, city streets that I could call my home; but I won't, I'll make the distinction and change the past.

Attack of The Flying Zombie Pigs

I haven't been home for four days (with the exception of two 10 minute periods to pick stuff up), so much has been happening lately....I don't even know where to start.
Maybe that I've been everywhere, and maybe that I've stayed out this long because it's easier to live at my friend's houses where there's food and everything is clean, and everything is....normal.
So Thursday evening I got pizza with Catwoman and The Jester, I spent the night at The Jester's house (which I will explain later).
I went home to pick things up at noon on Friday, I went to The Library and had Ivy meet me there.
I spent the night at Ivy's house, and did her hair and makeup for her birthday party on Saturday, it was fun.
I'm still here at Ivy's house, watching the end of RENT; because....just because.

A Fleeting Thought

Just for the record, I don't know where the faeries came from....

Good Morning World

It's a new day, and the old songs don't bring tears to my eyes anymore.
The stories haven't ended badly yet, there's still a future for us to claim.
That little girl that I left stuck in the pages of my poetry is going to be okay, she'll be just fine living her dreams; her beautiful bright future.
It was okay to box up my past and put it in the attic, the pictures of my dad and poems about Satan.....
I'm okay.
I can finish the story, not the way I planned it....but maybe better.
I'll start over: one, two, three....easy like cake.
I promise it couldn't hurt me anymore, it wouldn't hurt me from passing by; which it will pass.
Isn't that an Alcoholics Anonymous thing?
"This too shall pass"?
And so it shall.....

Spiritual Healing

Why am I still awake?
Why am I searching the past for answers?
All I can say to my former self is: "You never really were prepared"
for what?
For someday, and forever, to tell him everything, or to make a stand.....to leave the past behind.
But I did, I left the past behind and now all the things that I lived for are gone.
It's been a long time since I've felt like this, since I've written this way.
Two years ago makes me smile, because it was something wonderful back then; when we were becoming adults, but it seems I grew up a little too fast....too fast to really enjoy it.
I didn't accomplish any of what I set out to do, and now I'm moving on.
I feel that I've been left behind......
So maybe it's because I have to move on, because they left me behind.
The world went on without me.
So I didn't enjoy any of it.
Why am I still here?
In the same place, doing the same things, stuck in the same situation, with the same damn people?
I remember when I used to shock the room into applause, where is that girl?
And four years ago, it was a wonderland!
It was my dark, beautiful wonderland....I miss the cold, the comfort of the shadows.
I miss the sound of my favorite bands playing in my ears as I sat at the window and stared at the night sky.
When I think about all that has happened, tears can't help but form at my eyes.
At least my poetry is better than it was back then.
And then there's the things that I can't really remember, locked so deeply in my mind.
Truth is I never fit into my dad's world, I was his only daughter, his first child; and he didn't love me because his wife didn't like me.
I could've been such a great daughter, I don't know why he never saw that.
This blog, among all the other things, is also my way of healing from the past.
He kicked me out because I wasn't cookie cutter, there in small town suburbia.
I just couldn't keep pretending, it wasn't for me.
We haven't spoken since.....
All I ever wanted was parents, all I ever wanted was a stable life, a home where someone loved me.
You have to see the good in the bad though, and I learned how to stand on my own because of it.

More Movie Scenes Borrowed From The Silver Screen

I'm rifling through the pages of my life, holding back tears...I'm going to box it up and put it in a non-metaphorical attic.
This is both an end and a beginning.
Anyway, moving is a pain in the ass.
Speaking of moving....I was talking to my boy (yes another boy) and Satan happened to be near us, he overheard me say that I'm moving to Alpine.
He made a comment about how East County is full of tweakers.
I replied that I like East County (mostly because nobody bothers you up there, unlike here where everyone is always in your business)
So he told me that I'm going to be a future tweaker, he says things like this to get a rise out of me.
Lucky that this has only worked in the past, and not presently.
I continued to be nice, so he had no choice but to be nice.
I shared my iced tea with him on a hot summer day, catastrophe avoided.
But I really need to change my lifestyle, it really isn't my scene and honestly it's exhausting to be something that you're not.
While parts of me belong, I know that in the end this isn't for me.

July Second Through The Fourth

I chose this path...but I'll mourn the past still.
There will be no peace for my soul, 'til I'm old and grey.
"This could be messy, but you don't seem to mind. So don't go telling everybody and overlook this supposed crime"
*shrug*
It's like the past is chasing me down and forcing me to acknowledge its existence....why?

Yay! Independence Day!
Praise the country that let's me watch internet porn with only minor government surveillance.
Well, fuck my shit I guess.
I don't really wanna be here, so why am I?
They just killed a snail, and I have to wonder if I'd be happier at home watching X-men reruns.
Well, we sat under a street lamp and watched the fireworks, they skated in the middle of the street.
We took forever to find this one house, and then I came to my second home; here at Catwoman's, there's never been another place where I can walk in at eleven o'clock at night and be welcomed warmly....

Just an Update

I have such an odd life....so my parents are finally separating, I've spent the last few days organizing things so we can start packing, and I'm currently sitting in the back of a tow truck (we've been stranded for about three hours).
So anyway, I've been dealing with violent outbursts from my mom lately, and she has a job (finally); but you don't even want to know what she does for a living, I'll just say that it's similar to voice acting.
So let's see if I can make it back home for the street fair tomorrow, wish me luck.

The Mountains

So I woke up to field mice on the floor and a bunny in the backyard.
The mice stole a cheeto and it got stuck under the door, it was the cutest thing I've ever seen.
I can see a horse corral from the yard.

I saw several bees, 3 crows (flying together and doing all these crazy loops in the air); I saw a butterfly, spider, gigantic ants, squirrels, a roadrunner, baby quails, a red-tailed hawk, and a turkey vulture.....oh, and I have an amazing view of the mountains from any spot on the property.

I also counted eleven cars in the yard, a big rig, six Harleys, and two trailers; lol.

This is why I love my grandpa's house.

I washed a horse today.
I'm serious, it was awesome!
The amazing things you can do up here.

A Life Like No Other

There is this part of me that feels like I don't belong here, like I'm in over my head; when it's like that I always feel like a fake.
But other times it's like this is exactly where I belong and why wasn't I here sooner.
I think Satan played a big part in my comfort levels (or actually discomfort), because it's his scene and his crew.
When he shows up it's like everyone's attitudes towards me change....like I was cool five minutes ago, what just happened?
I keep telling myself that I don't do this shit, but it feels right.
It's like flying, this freedom from knowing the people and the places.
I wanted it all so badly, so what changed?
Maybe I grew up.....

Part 2:
Life is rad.
Actually, life is awesome....I was kinda flipping out earlier 'cause my step-dad dragged me all the way up to alpine for 3 days when I have a whole bunch of stuff to do at home, but now that I'm here I'm glad.
Family is something that I can say I have when I'm up here.
Where I can just walk in and post up on the couch, wait for grandpa to get home, chill with his biker buddies; it's nice.
I realised today that I like where I am in my life.
I like Satan's friends, I like this new boy, I like Alpine and my grandpa's house and the fact that you can see the stars up here.
I like the thought of the life that I have to look forward to :)

Rising in Flames

I just realised that I wasn't home from six o'clock Monday morning (when I went to school for the last day before Summer)
We got out at 11:47 am
I didn't get home until nine o'clock on Tuesday evening.
That was an amazing feat for me.
Um, I danced with him and one of his friends asked me if I knew Satan, I almost laughed when I nodded.
I couldn't help it, if they really knew how well I used to know Satan.
It's so weird that this boy wants to be my boyfriend, I knew that as soon as I stopped looking some boy would fall into my lap....
It always happens this way.
But is this what I've been missing, under my mother's bolted doors.
Hanging out at the library, riding in cars with boys, smoking out, and talking to crazy people.
Some of them intellectuals, some of them douche bags, and some are just awesome.
Such a strange mix of people, but this is what I've been missing.
I guess I had a good reason to complain then.
But now I'm on my own, because Ivy and Catwoman, and all my other friends have already experienced all this.
It's really kinda sad.
It made me laugh though because the boy said that if we got The Jester and M in a room and talking that we'd have a never-ending, really trippy, intellectual conversation.
I can't believe that all this shit almost passed me by.

Wake The White Queen

Well, I apologize for getting in a car with some guys (well, actually it's not that bad because I actually knew most of them pretty well), and then never continuing my story.
Um, Catwoman wanted some Jackie D, so I took charge....
I saw one of our friends (who is twenty two, I think, and can therefore legally buy alcohol).
So Catwoman, Mister Newb, and I hopped in the car.
We bought whiskey on sale, tried to crash a party (that they were technically invited to, don't ask)
Drove up to the cliffs, drank, and watched the pretty view of all of Ocean Beach.
And the guys are always surprised that I can drink whiskey like water.
Um, back to the library, then we all kinda just hung out in the parking lot, and after a whole bunch of failed plans we crashed one of those house parties that popular high school kids throw.
Funny thing is that I knew most of the people there (though few of them like me)
Another funny thing is that we saw one of our friends who graduated my Freshman year.
So with the buzz from the alcohol wearing off and no weed, we danced the night away.
After the party ended we crashed at our friend's house (the guy who graduated) and drank beer in his hot tub.
Nothing scandalous happened and we all eventually fell asleep after talking for hours (or actually, Catwoman fell asleep and I talked to him)
The next day I hung out with one of the boys from the day before who seemed to be romantically interested in me.
For the first time in a long time Catwoman didn't accompany me on all my adventures.
Well, I went with the boy and I bunch of people (some that I knew, and some that I didn't) to my close friend's ex-boyfriend's house so we could all smoke.
Instead I sat on the couch with the boy and played with the dog while watching MTV, while everyone else went upstairs to smoke.
It was nice, we all hung out for awhile and I eventually left and went to yoga with Catwoman.
I went home after yoga, and then the day after my mom started yelling at me about library fines that weren't even my fault.
Well, let me explain that....
My mom had a ton of library fines for some books that she checked out, right before I ran away (when I was eleven).
I also had one book out, but it was returned before I left.
Because I am a minor, my library card is technically under my step-dad's card.
He had a hundred dollar fine from my mom.
She yelled at me about this, because she was already in a bad mood.
I said, "Okay, fine, whatever, mom."
She attacked me in the car (slapped me, scratched me in the face, bent my fingers back)
I got out of the car, she yelled, "Then give me your phone."
I told her to go to Hell and walked away.
She turned off my phone, and I met Catwoman, we went to the park and I cried (a little more than neccesary).
Um, after my step-dad reminded her about parenting classes she turned my phone back on.
(But it still doesn't completely work, which I should fix that today)
So um, why did I just tell that story?
Anyway, yesterday I hung out with the boy again (by chance)
I randomly saw him on the way to The Jester's house, so I took him with me.
We smoked, Catwoman showed up, we smoked some more, walked around.
Somehow we ended up at the library again; Catwoman got bored, so she left.
The Remains of The Crew started showing up.
And after pizza, whiskey, a blunt, a few bowls, and just hanging out and shit, the boy walked me home.
Oh, and I kissed him....um, yeah....
Well, I don't know where any of this is gonna go, but what the hell, right?

June: 11-12-13

The ACT was infinitely less painful than the SAT.
Now to go back to that gloomy place and see if I can pass Bio.
I'm pretty sure I haven't been in my right mind for weeks, well now what shall I do?
The words of my subconscious are haunting my mind, "we were all here together once;" and so we were, a long lost memory from sunnier days.
Why did I think this was a good idea?
Getting in a random person's car, buying booze, crashing a party?
And sexual connotations about some shit, so let's just go back to the 90s and call it a day.

Graduation

I look old, hell, I feel old.
And this is the end.
And in 12 months someone will be standing there spouting generic words.
At that point we'll reach the end of the journey called highschool.
All the cliches, the smiles, the tears, the struggles, and the simple joys all rest on this one day when you walk away with your diploma.
When your future is over the horizon....
Well, another year with no yearbook, and I was too busy crying to take pictures at graduation.
But today will be forever in my memories.
Watching everything flutter away in a few bittersweet moments.

Transforming Destiny

Oh but you're so pretty dear, you're all dolled up on your way to reclaim your happiness.

I see the future clearly, we're victims of destiny.

Mental fortitude.

I feel out of place in the 50s, never trust men with anything.

Oh, God! Oh WHY?

I look up and it's the 80s, where did we go?

I never liked suburbia in the first place, but it's nice to meet someone who's on the same page as I am; even if they're trapped in this place.

To The Mountains

Well up here we drink our coffee black, we're up in the mountains so you can see the stars, and you can listen to the crazy stories of clean and sober ex-hells angels.
It's up here on the indian reservation, where you can hike down the side of the mountain to the casino, where you can find the most welcoming people you'll ever meet.
The only catch is don't bring any bullshit. This is where my step-dad's family lives, this is where I seem to find my place.
This is what I want the Misfits House to be like, all our friends in and out of this one house all the time.
So anyway, went on a Harley ride, it was fucking awesome.
Better than sex, drugs, or anything; it feels like flying....
My new addiction.

I Have No Idea

So today we're going to chronicle my wonderful adventure with the SAT!
(God help me)
I get to be crammed in a stuffy room in some random university with a lot of ridiculous teenagers.
Not the best way to spend a Saturday, not when I have a million other things to do; but they say that sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do.
Somewhat unpleasant and terribly uncomfortable, it makes me miss the delights of yesterday with a dull ache in my stomach.
The hallway may have been stuffy, but the room was ice cold.
Five hours sitting in a pitch white room, institutions.
And then out into the sunlight, I saw people that I recognized.
I said hi and listened to their pleasant chatter about their plans for the day and comments on the test.
I wish my life was like that: "Oh, let me go get my car, so I can meet you for lunch; because remember, I owe you ten dollars. And then I'll go home and study"
What if my life could really be like that?
If I could always be pretty and put together, with wonderful things to look forward to.
Anyway I'm watching a wedding party progress on this lovely, sunny Saturday afternoon; with nothing to look forward to but chores and homework in that chaos that I call my home.
Really my home is rather drab and dreary, and the most understandable way to describe the energy there is to say that the feng shui is all messed up.
For the moment I'll just enjoy the vivid colours of the beautiful world around me, I should embrace it before it's gone.

A Fantasy at The Huntington

 

Goodbye, gilded stairs.
Out of the palace doors and into the blinding sunlight.

We traveled to the hall of faces, where we witnessed the decay of life.

Eyes stare at you from the shadows, dolls enact the dance of time, and everything turns to dust eventually. We traveled through wonderland, through a forest of roses.

We witnessed Aphrodite on a pedestal, smiling down on us.
A wise old duck led us to an Emperor's Palace, we traveled through a pond meditating on our past lives.

Across the desert to the mausoleum, it was a grand sight; carved marble, how it overwhelmed me.

Returned to meet the Gods on a field of green, witness the dragonfly in the marble fountain.

Everything is gilded marble here, we bid farewell to Poseidon and the adventure is over.

Current Events (in my life)

It is too early in the morning and I'm too brain dead to do much of anything.
Huntington art museum on Friday, it's my favorite museum and the grounds are amazing.
I also am in the process of writing my Personal Statement for AP Language, I am stumped.
Where do I take the delicate subject of my life without breaking the fabric of the surface and delving into some excruciating monologue and if I don't then where is the fun in that?
How do I put my life into one thousand words, I guess that's the challenge.

Reggae?

I'm such a cliche, smoking weed and listening to Bob Marley...I'm going to remember today forever. It's been a reminder of the past and a promise of the future.
It's only in San Diego that your Advanced Biology teacher wears a rasta belt and plays reggae. The culture here is so unique and amazing, I'm gonna miss it....
I've always liked reggae, since I was 5 years old listening to Mandatory Marley on 91X. I even had a Reggae for Kids tape that I listened to over and over again.
I really wish I was raised in a specific culture, because I was raised in so many conflicting cultures that I don't know where I belong; I should just pick one.
If you type in F on youtube it gives you something funnier than the other letters.
And I just realised that our culture is comprised of a bunch of fakes.
And why does everything make more sense when I talk like Yoda? I kinda forget what it's like to be sober, it's like one giant dream.
And M will give you the most random things.
I really can't express how ridiculously (I can't believe I spelled that right being this high) bad that Rebecca Black videos is.
I've discovered that rich kids have this favorite past-time of making dumb music videos.

Don't Forget Me When You Die

Just now have I realised that I've been left behind.
All of my friends went on to be something, anything from actors to scene queens.
But what have I done?
Note much, not nearly enough.

La La Love

I'm bad luck, because everyone drifts away, and all roads lead to Satan's house.
I remember when all the trouble started, but everything feels so right now.
Lady of the cusp between spring and summer.
And I've become the means of a documentary about this strange reality.
Where are we?
I have a feeling that being high gives us less control of destiny.
Hold your tongue, they're starting to get it.
Forgotten things from long ago, I really wish I didn't know.
Is it the sane or devious one this time?
It's all about the ebb and flow.

More Adventures

Maybe I have ADD, or maybe I have multiple personality disorder; which induces ADD.
I'm so far gone, that everything blends together.
I can't believe that there's a Japanese culture club, and that the majority of its members are white males. But that's the name that the anime club got changed to when Fanny left.
And my sensations of waking up are really my personalities switching, The Many Adventures of The Few Bunnies.
100% proof whiskey sends fire down my throat into my stomach.

Random Shit From My Adventures

There are a lot of things that I regret. Like when my mom refused to sign my application for school organizations, I got angry and tore up the application.
Now I'm suffering for the past, but that's okay I'm leaving.
I feel old again, "Back in my day it was punk bands that played at the warped tour" (comments on the hardcore bands that now play on the tour)
And I feel like I'm swimming in a fish tank of grey clouds. Like the sky is pressing down on the earth. And it's funny how certain people re-emerge after long absences.
And I wish that I was in Italy eating puttanesca and drinking grappa in my espresso.
Here I am, ranting....again.
Why is it that the first time that I legitimately vandalize something, that a bitter old lady takes it down (it was a sticker)
And why is it that days like this can go from crappy to perfect (in the most basic sense of the word)
There's a million different shades of green in the grass and trees, I wish I could stay here forever.

Thoughts About Something

I think they're trying too hard.
It's like they sunk from pleasant flashbacks into a literal dark hole.
Really, what now?
Another pointless bout of depression I presume.
I swear I'm hallucinating all these demons out of my own head.
Maybe it's loneliness, or maybe I'm not alone enough.

Fatally Yours

"Well, if it's okay I'll just grab my shit and leave. I won't say one word, I'll keep my tricks up my sleeve. You flew off the handle, opened fire on me. Put me down, put me out of my misery. I'm fatally yours."
Today....
Today was just fine.
But it couldn't be.
This house is chaos.
And what's more?
Oh, Lord, what could it be?
On these days that I ramble incoherently.
I was sitting alone, reading.
Satan came and stood over me, I waved up to him.
He nudged me with his foot, so I poked him; this went on for a few minutes.
"How are you?" I asked.
He told me this story about how a few days ago he and one of his friends were laughing about me while they were on shrooms.
Mmmm, he really shouldn't have said that.
I found that dark place within myself when he said that.
That girl who moved on, who just doesn't give a shit was standing there and telling me to stay calm.
So I did, Ivy was shocked.
"I'm glad you found it amusing," I managed to reply with the biggest smile.
I began muttering about poetic injustice and illiteracy, with wide eyes and a big grin.
He had no idea what I was talking about, I kept saying, "I'm sure."
And being generally pretentious.
I can do that, because I was wearing pink lipstick, because my curls were falling down my back, because my ass looked good in those jeans, because he interrupted my reading; mostly just because he's screwed me over so many goddamn times, I reserve the right to smile real big and act completely pretentious.
He said that he had to leave to meet his girlfriend and skated away.
I exploded in frustration, yelling about "Why can't he just leave me the fuck alone?!"
My friend told me to speak in gibberish, 'cause it would make me feel better; it did.
I left with Ivy, we talked until we got to my house.
This is where you find me now, in the midst of chaos.

Go Ride The Ferris Wheel On A Day Like This

They're just like kids, they're playing a game; I miss that kind of shit, collaborative play-time.

Anyway, "they're talking to you, bunny babe."

They're asking me if I'm alright, asking me if I'm having fun.

I truthfully am, even cross-faded remembering the past.

I feel sick and time is swirling around me.

This is testimony to the fact that I'm merely the type of person who is better off on their own.

All this makes me want to drop to my knees and cry, "Save me, save me!" It's terrible, but I'm still waiting for someone to save me and change my reality.

I'm still waiting for someone to make my life worth living, and even that goddamn fortune teller told me that. It's like this, it's always....oh, god.

She asked me the question I dreaded, so I made the decision.
It was difficult for me, but I defied both awful outcomes; and in this one moment I've grown so much.
She always says the things in my mind, the things I'd never utter in the open space.

I wouldn't let them float on the air, to hang there dead and stale.

They're covered by the cobwebs in my mind.

And then he appeared like he always does.

It's clockwork, ticking with time.

And everyone knows everyone else too goddamn well.

Oh, well, I guess.

But here the adventure is over for today.

Meander Through Melancholy

I cannot believe I'm crossfaded alone, listening to beethoven.
And of course every person who says that they care is nowhere to be found, but this shit happens; doesn't it.
People just disappear and I can't even bring myself to write anymore than this.
What's gone and happened now?
The ode to joy is surrounding me, I'm floating in it; high above the rain clouds.
"It's better if you don't feel a fucking thing, fall asleep. And I wanted you to know it was you that we were thinking of, as we quietly died in the snow."
I used to be an avid protagonist, I'm not these days.
These days no matter how much sun shines on the world, the air is still cold.
It's tumultuous out there, but in here it's still.
The air hasn't moved in years, it's dead silence.
There's a whisper in the wind, the past calls me to pay the debt.
Here I have become the main antagonist in this twisted world.
And I suppose that I started taking drugs as an excuse for my insanity.
Like I was already crazy, so I started taking drugs so now I'd have an excuse.
It's severely self-destructive.
I should talk about how all these novels, movies, and experiences have helped me grow.
But really what I've learned is that everything is based on perception and the decisions that you make because of the way that you perceive things.
Once in awhile my vision clears and I have the strange sensation of waking up.
The air feels fresh in my lungs and I take heaping gulps of it.
My visions clears and everything is bright.
I have some wonderful realization, for a few moments I believe that everything will make itself right without my help.
This is untrue, I know it, it's clearer than the stars in the mountains.
I feel like I'm always waiting for something, though I can never say what it is.
I'm sure that I'll know when it comes, it'll be the light that leads me home.
I remember about a year ago, the last day of my Sophmore year, we were all skipping down the street.
The Shadow King was saying something like, "I can't believe that we're Seniors now, that next year is our last year of highschool."
I'm a year younger than them, they're leaving.
And what am I going to do without my faithful Shadow King by my side?
I can't even fathom.
There's something I should say, with fear of betraying Ivy.
I'm sure that fear is misplaced, it's not betrayal that lies here.
I've been talking to M a lot, I told him that I'd read a short story that he wrote.
Why?
Because it's difficult to find people who are on a remotely similar wavelength as I am.
When I find people who are, I tend to converse with them more often.
I feel bad though, because he is Ivy's ex.
I've said it and I feel much better now.
Anyway, I smoke too many goddamn cigarettes.

The Other Day

I don't want to throw myself a pity party, but I seriously can't believe that my friends are complaining about their lives when I come home to no food in the house and my parents threatening each other with violence.
It's weird, I guess being uncommonly pretty (the key word being uncommonly, as in: pretty in an uncommon way), and odd isn't the best combination.
It tends to incite misfortune.
I shouldn't worry so much, I'll figure everything out eventually.
Just do your best and fuck the rest.
Everyone thinks that The Jester has feelings for me; I wouldn't doubt it, he won't admit it.
So the Seniors are obviously graduating, and it's sad.
There's no other way to put it, because everything that I've grown accustomed to is about to end.
So, something completely unrelated....
Total Body Paralysis.
Yep, well I get this feeling sometimes of not being able to breathe, see, or move.
Suddenly my vision goes black, my limbs don't respond, and I forget how to breathe.
It's like forgetting where I am, or even that I'm alive.
Like there's no connection between external stimuli and my brain.
"No one could tell, even if I fell one hundred stories down."
I have a lot of insecurities, especially about my friends.
I don't belong with any of them, I always feel like I'm intruding upon someone else's life.
I've stolen these moments from Heaven.
And about My Southern Boy (just because it's been bothering me), you'd think that if he missed me like he claimed or if he was as lonely as he said, that he'd talk to me more.
Anyway, I should write a book on flirting, I think it'd be fun.

I'll Take My Time, Well Now It's Time To Go

My mom is pretty childish.
Exhibit A:
I said, "I love my cat."
She replied, "But he's my cat, they're all my cats."
I'm completely serious when I say that she has the mentality of a seven year old.
My step-dad too, he tries to beat up every guy that I talk to; he's somewhat of a delinquent in general.
We all have developmental problems, I'm sure.
Oh, anyway, I've been trying to write for a few days now, but I'm extremely brain-dead after a month of rigorous testing.
I hang out with The Crew (Satan's ex-friends), or at least what's left of them.
It's been interesting, and you hardly ever see the entire group in the same place anymore.
After they graduated the group disbanded, I'm going to use letters instead of names here.
But normally it's just M and C from the original group, though they've added more people so that it's different entirely.
Ivy always says how sad it is that there is no Crew anymore, because "we were part of it."
I guess we were in a way; she was because she was dating M, and I was because of her and Satan.
It's funny though, I was never an official part of the group.
Now I've gotten in on my own, but it's a far cry from what it used to be.
The entire Crew and whatever girl Satan was interested in at the moment would go cram into his tiny room to smoke weed.
They taught me to use a butterfly knife and we used to smoke out of Satan's red plastic bong.
When they all dropped out and he got his card The Crew split into two different groups.
Satan and a couple of other annoying people, and then M and a couple of new people; the rest of them went their own ways.
Hanging out with them would characterize pretty much all of my Sophmore year, surprisingly I don't miss it.

Friday- May, 13

I'm bored and delsuional, I guess....but "it's a-okay if it makes you feel alright"
Well, I guess this is what happens when you smoke weed.
I miss those days, days so far away.
Boys are so dumb.
Another radom boy or two, and the boy with green eyes.
Flirting is a good way to assuage boredom.
And Satan skating off into the sunset...

Silver Screens Don't Always Have A Silver Lining

What can I say?
I sometimes go visit my Math Teacher from last year.
I was in his room today and my Physics Teacher from Freshman year walked in, talking about some kid ditching class.
The Math Teacher replied something like, 'he's so smart, if we could just help him.'
The Physics Teacher leaves and I say, "It's always the smart ones"
He agreed with me and then said, "Yeah, you and your alcohol last year. We'll just call it the incident."
It's funny 'cause he was like that too in highschool, that's probably why I still visit him.
He said, "But I never got caught," he laughed.
I almost said something about depression, but I stopped myself; I left.
Me and my incidents, they play out like they should be on the Lifetime Movie Network.
If my life was a movie I'd want it to be on IFC or Sundance.
I'd want to be one of those artsy independent films.
I have issues....
A boy with green eyes once said to me, "Yeah, but you don't have trouble talking."
He thought he knew me, he still has no idea.
I'm trying....I made the first step today.
I opened up to a friend of mine.
There was this one time that I got in a fight with my mom and I was bleeding on my pink sweater, and I ran down the hall to his door.
It was around seven in the evening, I held back tears long enough for him to open the door.
He talked to me for over two hours, he gave me chocolate cake and red wine in a Disney cup.
The next day I dropped off every journal that I've had since 8th grade on his doorstep.
He never read them.
We're still close, but I've gradually lost faith in him.
Once in awhile he tells me that he wants to be with me.
If he truly does, then I wonder if he knows that this is his last chance.

Sex and Lies in San Diego

Hmmm, it's just something that I have to say....to no one in particular.
I'm a pathological liar, but I have my reasons.
No one needs to know what's really gone on in my life.
I'm hiding the bad, the not so good and everything in-between.
Some of the lies were to cover up other lies, some of them were to cover up the sad or scandalous truth.
Now my entire life is one big lie.
And no one will ever know.
It's true that you have to acknowledge the past before you can forget it.
I've just recently began to unearth all the things I've buried, it's been a long process.
I used to dwell on everything that happened between Satan and me, because I was trying to distract myself from everything else.
I lost my virginity in a hotel room, not to Satan, not even to a guy that I liked.
I lost my virginity to a guy who was almost thirty.
I just layed there, stoned out of my mind, listening to some angsty punk music that I put on just so that it wasn't quiet.
I've felt terrible since then.
I've felt terrible since I screwed that twenty-five year old on his living room floor, I've felt terrible since I let Satan guilt-trip me into giving him head; I've felt terrible for a long time, about a lot of different things.
But truth is that you can't change the past.
I wanted one goddamn person to love me, just one.
One person who is always there for me, who helps me grow without criticizing me, someone understanding, who I'm happy to see.
I don't believe in love anymore, I'm not the person I used to be.
I'm not innocent, sweet, kind, or anything like that; I can't be.
I've been ridiculed by my peers my entire life.
When I'd go to birthday parties or even at my own birthday parties I was always an outcast.
Always crying, when I turned nine all my friends locked themselves in my room and wouldn't let me in.
When I turned six my cousins completely ignored me at my birthday party.
I had no friends in fourth and part of fifth grade, because I went to a rich school and I was socially awkward.
Because I had never gone to a school for more than a year and half the time I didn't go to school at all.
I sat under this big tree and read during recess, I convinced myself that books like Harry Potter and Lord of The Rings were real.
I escaped into my own delusions.
A shrink once told my parents that I lived in a fantasy world, it was true.
My mom criticized me for this, and she criticized me for everything else.
Why didn't I tell the shrink this, the court mediator that, my dad something, and why did I do anything.
Why was I even breathing?
My mom used to ground me from reading and writing, I don't remember why she ever grounded me.
I didn't have chores or anything, and I was too young to do anything bad.
My grandmother was always my only friend.
So what happened when I couldn't see her or after she died?
Well, with no father and a crazy mother I did what any teenage girl would do.
I went and found some boy to love me.
And when he screwed me over I found another one, and when I got sick of it I popped pills.
I thought my step-dad was gonna save me, because he couldn't stand living with my mom.
He said he was gonna take me with him, he's been saying that since I was twelve.
I'm seventeen now; they're still together, still unhappy.
I thought Satan was gonna save me, because he was like me.
He had been screwed over by parents and girls, and we were so good together.
Like we just belonged, it felt right.
My step-dad (who I thought I could trust) messed that up, but I don't think Satan could've saved me anyway.
You have to save yourself, no one else can.
It always goes this way, I hope it gets better though.
Everytime my mom talks about my future I have to hold back my thoughts.
I don't know how to tell her that what she wants is impossible, and that she's partially to blame for it.
I mostly just feel sorry for my mother, because she'll never really open her mind to anything.
She will live off her regrets, and the memory of people who have wronged her.
She will spew liberal political propaganda onto anyone willing to listen, and she will shut out the words of her only child....because she doesn't want to accept that her daughter is different than she wanted her to be.
Life isn't a novel, so I won't quote any novels; but it's pretty damn close, so I'll quote myself.
"Everything changes, nothing stays the same forever, you get through it one way or another, so just don't cry, don't you dare cry."
And I swear I won't cry, I'll never cry about the past again.

Books, Books, Books

Chloe doe
The hours
Every last one- anna quindlen
Compound
Sonia rodriguez
Religion in a free society- hook
The crucible
Catcher in the rye
Saint iggy
Koolaid acid test
Dave edgars
Don quixote
100 years of solitude
Ken robinson
Gabriel garcia

Awhile Ago

I'm pretty much drinking myself to death, but that's okay.
Today I ditched, I needed a break.
I got cross-faded and went on an adventure, I popped a tire.
Two hippie lesbians gave me a ride back to the Library where my friends hang out, I gave them a bud.
I smoked with some of Satan's ex-friends, it was fun.
Ivy just broke up with her boyfriend, so I hung out with her for the first time in months.
I've been hanging out a lot with her recently.
I seem to be hanging out with Satan's ex-friends a lot lately too.
Anyway, 420 was awesome and la dee da, I guess.
Idk, all I ever do these days is smoke weed and go on weird adventures.

Birthday Goodies

So let's go over what exactly happened this weekend.
Catwoman and I went to The Jester's house, smoked some weed and ate cannabis muffins.
We went to Ivy's friend's house, sat there aimlessly.
Ivy's friend's dad kinda kicked us out, because he thought that we were smoking weed.
The three of us were the only people in that house that hadn't smoked on the premises.
Their house reminded me of 50s suburbia.
We returned and got money for food from Catwoman's dad, The Jester left.
We accidentally ran into Satan while we were in the Taco Shop.
He walked over to us and asked us what we were doing, we left before he could start a conversation.
We fell asleep watching ghost adventures.
Catwoman and I woke up, went to lay in the sun by the pool, and then went to have adventures at Balboa Park.
I got a Tarot reading, the woman was dead on and it kinda scared me.
She told me I was waiting for love, because I've had a tumultuous childhood.
That there was some specific boy already in my life; that I have a wish for money, but have trouble saving it.
She told me to focus on my future.
We went back to Catwoman's house and I realised that the weekend was ending.
On my way to meet my step-dad out front, we saw Satan.
I get the strange feeling that he wanted to hang out with me.
I have no words for how much I really miss him, need him, wish I was with him.
It's the one thing that still causes me pain, but no.
I didn't even tell him goodbye.

Today

Chillin by the pool and car rides filled with cookie-cutter alternative music. But so far I like the way things have played out.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is what we call blogging on the go.

Spent the day at Balboa park and took lots of pictures.

It was a wonderful adventure with Catwoman, going to the International houses and all the pretty gardens.

It's been a great weekend, it's been relaxing.

Upon my departure from Catwoman's house, we saw Satan skateboarding down the street.

He stopped and began walking towards us, but just then I realised that my step-dad was across the street.

 "What are you guys doing?" Satan asked.
"Oh, God," I thought.

This had happened before, this same situation was the reason why Satan and I are no longer even on speaking terms.

(Which technically we aren't)

"Well, I'm going home," I replied to him.

He repeated what I said with something reminiscent of a sad, defeated look.

I wish I could've hugged him, talked to him for awhile.

Sometimes life hands you cards that are unlucky, so I crossed the street with my heart sinking.

I got into the car and waved goodbye to Catwoman, and like another cliche I drove into the sunset.

Saturday- April 30

Ivy was always the corner stone to the terrible cliche of our lives. She took us to the pretty houses where random people that we know chill.
She was our portal into the world of a highschool movie. Of parents that blinded themselves to misbehaviors....to everything that I had always wanted.
I'm not supposed to be here, both literally and metaphorically. I was always a misfit, a spectator, a charity case....so the only one that I fit in with is the cat!
This place is strange. Because I've been here before. Some people feel betrayed or can't accept the future....but I must leave now, surrender to destiny.
We're sitting here, remembering the dead. But I wish there was somewhere peaceful for me to digest.
I used to go to my great grandmother and my grandmother's houses. I never remembered them til now. And throwing up onions at my dad's house. Computer games and
Courage The Cowardly Dog...and being home alone in a big house, when we lived with that egyptian guy who needed a roomate.
But I find it increasingly easy to be honest.
It might've made sense like forever ago, but now I really don't know.
We're somewhere really far away. So now I'm a victim to a terrible cliche.
What an end to a dream of a day. We've returned from suburbia unharmed.
And then I saw him. Satan, as if I was in a perfect dream and I'm pretty sure he spoke to me....I never thought I'd say that I really miss him so.

I Love You, But....

Kitty used to tell me that I say "I love you", instead of "I'm sorry".
This is pretty much true.
Today is April, 26, 2011.
Three years ago today is the day that I met Satan.
I find it ironic that he chose today as the day to have a somewhat civil conversation with me (after being a complete ass recently), I doubt he remembers the significance of this day though.
I've been trying to write for days, I just can't.
I was thinking about my grandmother earlier, and I was thinking about all the years that have passed.
All these random details just float around in my head, but my memories never have been linear.
I couldn't stop crying earlier, I have no idea why.
Suddenly I just couldn't choke back my tears.
I always get depressed around my birthday though, it just happens.
And I've already been so depressed lately.
I'm also failing basically all my classes, there's no reason for that either.
There was a time when I always made my presence known because I wanted to play a part in this world, I don't anymore.
No one even hears me speak anymore; it's not because I'm not speaking, it's because no one is listening.
There used to be a time when I would've cared, not so much now.
I hardly ever even have the energy to express anything, I make all these concious decisions to give cookie-cutter answers and even to just not say anything at all.
A year ago I would've never done that, not ever in my life have I been content to sit quietly.
It's as if I simply have no energy to be anything or do anything, or even want anything.
I don't exist, and I'm pretty sure the world behind the glass is an illusion too.

Mental Disorders

"For example, depressed people behave in negative ways toward their room mates, thus causing these room mates to reject them." -Wikipedia
Self-Verification Theory.
I think that this is true of Satan, infact I wrote something similar to this statement about him years ago.
It's funny how I'm usually dead-on when it comes to people.
Kitty had a similar problem with her Confirmation Bias, she'd always do something similar to fishing for compliments; but it was really her attempt at getting people to confirm what she believes about herself.
This was a product of her self-proclaimed low self-esteem.
She directs the bias towards me too, claiming that she knows me so well that anything I say about myself is immediately wrong.
My mother is like this too, anything you say about the world is wrong unless it agrees with her opinions on the world.
It's so bad that it could be considered delusionary.
I'm also convinced that she has Anxiety Neurosis, but I'm not a doctor (just a teenager with an internet connection and nothing better to do, other than homework).
I believe that most people have something that could technically be considered a mental disorder, just some people are better at hiding it.
I suffer from Nihilistic Delusions and Depressive Neurosis (it really seems that way).

Clean My Head Up, Doc

I'm not sure where to start.
On a sunny day in April, drinking strawberry soda and doing everything on a whim?
That seems like a good place to start.
I like weed and fwench fries and strawbewwy soda.
My Southern Boy confessed his love for me last night, I don't know what to say.
I kinda had a feeling.
Catwoman, I found out, is just having a bout of depression (normal for people with high IQs).
I smoked with Snuff and Ms. Frost today, she was trippin so bad.
I never manage to get that high anymore, but it was pretty funny.
We saw Satan, and he was a jerk, as always.
Erm, I realised how many times I've walked down the same streets with various different people and often times alone.
It's over, all these past-times are coming to an end.
I was painfully aware of this while talking to some of the Freshmen.
I said, "We just got back from the Nature Preserve near (insert street here)."
All the Freshmen around replied, "Oh, you mean Green Street, you must be high."
Oh, Lord, they took over our spot and all act so informed.
They even came up with a new name, I feel old and disconnected.
Like, "Back in my day we called it the Nature Preserve, all you whipper-snappers"
Seriously.
Anyway, I have all this anxiety about all these random insignificant things.
I think it has to do with growing up around my mom, like I'm scared to step foot outside my door now.
And I've been having flashbacks of things that I haven't thought about since I was like five (gotta love marijuana)
And lastly, Snuff doesn't have any feelings for me beyond friendship.
I should've known, but now I know for sure (The Shadow King asked him).

In My Fucking Arrogant Opinion

Dude, I'm always so high.....

Ms. Frost said that she's giving up on Satan.

She was talking with one of his friends and I gave them an accurate psychoanalysis of Satan, his friend's response: "You hit the nail on the head."

I'm sure I did.

My step-dad was spying on me today (he does that sometimes), and I could see his car the entire time.

My criminal observation skills are getting better.

Anyway, I think I'm actually going to try to do my homework tonight.

Catwoman still seems distant, and My Former Prince seems like he still has feelings for me.

But I suppose all of this is pretty irrelevant.

I just started reading Daughter of Fortune (I forgot the author), so far it's interesting.

I also have been meaning to write something about this, but I recently watched The Memory Keeper's Daughter; it wasn't nearly as good as the book.
I'm also currently listening to Martyr of The Free World by Epica, it's a good song and generally a good band (gotta love Pandora radio)
Most of my time recently has been based in both birthday and 420 preparations.
I really wish I could go see Snoop Dogg downtown at the Sticky Icky-whatever it is (420 celebration), I bet they're gonna be smoking some good shit down there.
My step-dad got me a sick poster for it from the Dispensary.
Erm, yeah, my brain is pretty much on auto-pilot right now, so I'm going to go do AP History homework, wish me luck (it might be my last chance to pass the class).

Sick of this Shit

So there was a catastrophe at my house today, one of my family's infamous fights.

My mom told me to call the cops, but I couldn't do it.

In my mind cops are bad, they precede things like cps visits and domestic violence charges.

My mom hates me now, but I'm too selfish and cowardly to kill myself.

But something tells me that I'm directly responsible for all this chaos, even if I wasn't around when the argument started.

Today brought back memories of my childhood, of my mom lying on the floor crying and her high-pitched screams, her violent nature.

But back then she didn't have a husband to blame it all on.

And yet again there's a hole in my door, it seems like we can't live in a place without putting a hole in one of the walls, it's not ours until there is.

And they throw things and I'm so used to this that it's scary.

I'm in one of my bouts of depression, which makes all of this feel like a nightmare that I'm about to wake up from.

And my psychosis makes me childish, so I'm not sure that I should be making judgements about things; but my mom never thinks that her actions will make a direct impact on the world around her.

I just hope this all blows over, because I hate conflict

Here In The City, That God Blessed Repeatedly

You don't breathe in air on a day like this, you inhale the sun's warmth. You take it into your lungs and it warms you like wine.
So I saw Helena today, I miss her, she was always so chill and nice.
She also has started smoking pot, which makes me laugh.
I hung out with Snuff and Ms. Frost today, and we had fun in a play fight.
It made me feel like I had the siblings that I've always longed for.
And it still seems like Snuff has a thing for me.
Catwoman has seemed distant lately and I can't help but wonder why.
I finished my book today and went to get more, I'm excited to read this weekend.
I convinced our Biology teacher to let us have class outside today, it was wonderful.
The weather this time of year is so pretty, but last year the weather was terribly grey.
I'm so glad that the weather is better now.
I love the sunlight and wearing tank tops every day, it's so amazing and instantly cures my depression.
In French class today we watched a movie about a Swiss girl in Algeria, it was so interesting.
Not much else has been going on, most of my time recently has been devoted to raising my grades.

The Impression That I Get

I hate being distracted.
So today was warm and sunny, with a gentle breeze.
It was the perfect day to lay in the grass and watch the clouds, but there are no clouds; not in San Diego, not at this time of the year.
The sky is a vibrant blue, all the flowers are in bloom, the birds are singing; it's like a fantasy land.
Today reminded me of afternoons that I remember from days so far in the past; but now that I spend the majority of my time alone, I tend to miss any semblance of the past.
I have to be blunt, it fucking sucked to go to class.
Especially math, you climb up the concrete steps of the oldest building in the school (built circa 1925), it's been rebuilt and looks like an institution.
The entire school looks like an institution, a lot of the classrooms have no windows, the library is literally a dungeon (part of it is built underground).
Imagine a goblin living in a hobbit hole, that's the library; and I'm pretty sure they haven't updated their actual book collection since the 1990's.
The building that I take math in is located at the back of the school, there are winding linoleum steps inside; but my class is on the first floor.
I moved down a dim, cold, grey hallway to a gunmetal door with a small square window.
And there I spend almost an hour staring out the window of one of the only buildings on campus that actually has windows.
I really hate being stuck inside.
My thoughts just run rampant all over the place, it's really difficult to reign them in.
All day Ms. Frost has been coming up to me with problems relating to Satan, am I the only one around who can sympathize?
I suppose if you think about it, I am.
I haven't graduated or failed so bad that I went to charter, so I guess.
Me, I'm just a bystander in life.
Standing outside this little circle of light cast by reality, I occasionally touch it; yet I slip away like a shadow into the darkness beyond the edges of time.
Anyway, erm, well, *gag* I have like so much energy hahahaha, I'm only poking fun....at everything.
At the world, in their comfortable little pool of light, they don't even see beyond the horizon line.
I'm laughing at my own generation, with their bad spelling and illiteracy.
Nobody knows anything these days.
Oh so at the Library (our after-school hangout spot), I had a few interesting moments.
I have this friend who I think has a thing for me, I'm going to call him Snuff (because he always chews tobacco).
He's always following me, and today I was observing his body language while he was with me.
I always roll his cigarettes for him, so while we were walking around looking for a place to sit I started running away playfully.
He chased me and caught me in his arms like it was some cheesy romantic comedy.
We got kicked off the back steps of the church, so I didn't have time to roll properly.
He asked Satan for a lighter, Satan lighted it and was making remarks about my crappy rolling.
I suddenly found myself trying to defend myself with a half-baked explanation.
I don't understand why I care enough to explain myself to him, nevertheless it's always been like this.
While Snuff and I were smoking I was observing his body language.
I was thinking about a Sociology article I was reading about flirting.
He was mirroring my movements unconsciously, moving closer to me (also unconscious), brushing things out of my hair.
*sigh*
He also texts me every single day, only about an half an hour after we last saw each other.
I ran my thoughts by Catwoman later, she said she had been thinking the same thing.
Also while I was there a Former Flirting Buddy of mine happened to take up interest in me again.
I feel like Daisy Miller, an incurable flirt.
I've always admired Daisy though, she really knew how to live in the moment.
How to be happy, have fun; It's what I've always striven to be.
So I'm wearing a green dress in 1502 ;)

The Radio Airwaves Gave Me a Lobotomy

I always get poetry stuck in my head, and I have this weird pain in my right eye; I'm kinda concerned.
So Ms. Frost is being super uber duper nice to me, I think she's trying to atone for having strong feelings for Satan.
I really don't mind though, I mean it hurts; but I've learned to keep my emotions pretty much completely in check.
I'm finally done with most of the school work that I've been doing in order to raise my grades, and I've just been chilling today.
Listening to punk music and taking pictures of anything interesting.
I have this half-formed notion of starting a ska band, wish I could.
Anyway, I hate being stuck inside on a pretty day like this (luckily lately the weather has been nice).
420 is next week, lol.
And my birthday is in two weeks, I'll be seventeen.
This isn't where I imagined myself at seventeen years old; lonely, jaded, neurotic, psychotic, cynical.....
I'm reading a good book, it's called A Separate Peace (I can't put it down).
I keep jumping from subject to subject, but my thoughts won't stay linear.
I suppose that I probably have something better to do, and I'm sure that I had something better to write about.
But I'm severely brain dead at this interval on the timeline of life.
Speaking of Timeline, it's a great movie; watch it.

Blue In The Face

So I changed the template of this blog (I almost used orange, but it hurt my eyes), I figured that it needed more colours.
Anyway it says, "Battery-Minor Injury, Suspension," on my school records for Freshman year.
It also says, "Alcohol-Controlled Substance Possession/Use, Suspension," for Sophmore year.
And it says, "Perpetrator" on both.
Anyway, today has been eventful.
First off I just want to say that my parents are so stressful that it's hard to do anything once I get home.
Pretty much all I want to do when I get home is sit around and cry.
Okay, now that I've said that.....
This morning Ms. Frost asked me if I still had feelings for Satan, a million memories flashed through my mind.
"I'll always love him, but no, not really anymore"
This is true (mostly).
I've always been the one trying to set him up with my friends, because I wanted him to be happy, to feel loved.
Later in the day she asked me again, actually she literally sat me down and had an entire twenty minute or so conversation.
I reiterated key points over and over again, giving her advice about his personality and my own blunders.
Ivy told me that Satan would fuck and dump Ms. Frost, I know this to be false; or at least I hope it is, I hope he hasn't changed that much from the boy I've always known
My Former Prince spoke the first words to me since our break-up today.
A Certain Boy also came to see me today, and I missed him a lot.
He's always been there for me through everything, finally one of my teachers told me that she thought he loved me.
Probably true considering the past, he was good for me like no other boy ever was.
After school I babysat some high Freshmen, rolled cigarettes for a few of my friends, and provided a little counseling on matters of the heart.
When I told The Shadow King that I was going to leave things alone he told me that I was mature, I've heard that line before.
When Ms. Frost asked me for advice I remembered all the other girls that had liked him, and how they had all come to me for advice, I've heard that same damn story so many times that my ears might just bleed.
I'm not really mature and I don't think that I should be the person that everyone comes to when they have problems with Satan.
I also saw My Southern Boy after school, he was hanging out with Satan; and when I went to say hi, he said that he didn't want to get in the middle "of this".
Of what?
Of Satan and me, but there is no middle of anything between us; because there is nothing between us.
My Southern Boy doesn't understand that Satan and I have an unspoken agreement that he can mess with me and I can just smile and occasionally swear at him.
And this same thing has been happening for almost four long years.
Our bickering like a married couple, and My Southern Boy's inability to ever act like we're friends when we're around him, despite how much he claims to love me.
I suppose this should assuage my fears that everyone is leaving and everything will change, because some people and places inevitably stay the same.
So many people have left and come back, and they've stayed relatively the same.
Anyway I had a very interesting political discussion with a Republican in my Biology class, he definitely had some interesting points and it was nice to finally hear something different (in a city of liberals).
Between Anything and Nothing there's always Something.
And well, my head might be wound up so tight that it's screwed on backwards, and I'm pretty sure that only made sense to me.

I'm Only Happy When It Rains

I'm so exhausted, ugh....
Um, well, I just registered for my SAT/ACT, lots of forms.
Anyway, school is, as always, mind-numbing.
My cat is still adorable. <3
And, well, so, I guess it's like this.....
Satan walked up to me and handed me an empty paper prescription bag, and said, "Here, there's a little weed in the bottom."
He thinks I'm legitimately dumb (I tend to play dumb and emotional a lot).
Well, I can be emotional sometimes, and I suppose I can be dumb too; but not the way he thinks of me.
So, I declined, saying that I can get free weed anyway and I continued doing what I was doing before.
Later he came and sat down next to me and asked for a cigarette, I roll my own, so I handed him the tobacco pouch.
He said I was sketch and walked off, I told him Ms. Frost might have one and he ran to meet her.
I'm not sure if she gave it to him, but the story proves my point.
Speaking of Ms. Frost, she got high for the first time today and I just have to say how amusing it was to watch.
Back to my point, I'll always love him, there will always be that space in my heart that cares about him.
My heart will probably always flutter when he so much as looks at me, and that's fine.
I can love him, but I shouldn't hurt myself in the process.
I always used to go out of my way to help him in any way that I could, but it's so silly.
Today also proves that he's still looking for random reasons to talk to me, still looks at me with that same regret.
And what if it had been different?
You can't waste your life on a "What if?" scenario.
I couldn't help but think to myself, "He lost weight, he looks good, I really miss him."
But every time I pass by his house I miss him, I remember everything and I feel a little longing for something long gone.
Unfortunately I pass by his house a lot, because Catwoman lives down the street from him.
I wrote a forty page story about him, really it was for him; in hopes that someday I'd get a last little bit of courage and go leave it on his doorstep.
I wrote him more letters than I can count and burned about half of them.
Now that everyone is moving on with their lives and growing up, I still seem to be clinging to the past.
I feel more lonely that I've been in years, I don't remember it hurting this much.
It's probably always hurt this much.....
I still don't sleep, I don't remember ever sleeping; even when I was a kid, my sleeping patterns were always weird.
What I'm trying to say is that I've always been like this, I always will be; I don't care anymore.
Thank you, fuck you.
IDGAF today and for the rest of my life.
Take care of yourself, fuck everyone who fucks you over, and other than that give as much love to the world as you have for yourself.

It's Good to Be Writing Again

So the goal is to make it out alive and somewhat functional, harder than it sounds....

Anyway, yesterday:

I went to The Jester's house and smoked with Catwoman and My Southern Boy.

We were all beyond high, we were like hippies on a mission.

Our mission was to find fun things to do all day.

Catwoman was on shrooms and we all just wandered aimlessly around Ocean Beach.

We had fun in all the shops, talking about quantum theory and culture, we even walked all the way to the end of the pier (it's the longest pier on the West Coast).

Anyway, I came home and ate a pot cookie, and into an alternate universe I travelled.

I'm not even sure what happened, but I'm pretty sure that I cried.
The cookie gave me so much energy that I couldn't sleep, and I went so crazy with this big breakdown.

I was crying about the past, I guess.

I was crying about growing up and running out of time to have fun.

Because now I have all these responsibilities, because everyone is moving on with their lives; and I ran out of time.

So now on a completely different note, I love my new kitty.

His name is Artemis and he is absolutely adorable.

He's a Norwegian Forest Cat, in Norse mythology they were the companions to the goddess, Freya.

I love how smart and fluffy he is, and he follows me everywhere.

He has amazing green eyes, and I can't even begin to say how happy I am.

Last Night

I'm so much smarter, more in-tune with the world around me when there's too much Sativa in my system.
Like I see that everything in this country has the sole purpose of selling people, like even things that were once sacred (such as underground punk music in the 80s) are capitalized on by mass media.
That's terrible, we have a world built on lies of the people pulling the strings.
And so we all play right into the hands of the person in charge.
Like censuses are part of the system?
I'm too high to think right now, headache....I'm not a genius, just insane.

Religulous

I hate to think of myself standing in a cemetery wearing vintage sunglasses and a veil made of polyester spiderwebs.

That's another odd statement to add to my collection, up on my wall with all my eccentricities; instead of the degrees that someone should display.

I'm not old enough for degrees, I'm playing dress-up in other people's realities; pretending to be some great intellectual.

Nuff said.

Now about religion (interesting documentary, I recommend it; although I don't have the authority to recommend anything).

In the film Bill Maher (renowned comedian) travels around the world asking questions about religion.

Throughout the film he tries to prove how ridiculous religion can be.

Parts of the film I disliked or didn't agree with, such as religion being completely unfounded.

He didn't focus much on Eastern religion, the primary focus of the first half of the movie were different sects of Christianity.

The rest of the movie dealt with Islam and Judaism, with a small part about the Church of Cannabis in the Netherlands.
It was interesting, however I disagree with his view that Islam is a purely violent religion; if you study it, you realise that it's mostly just people who twist it into something violent.
I also disliked that he left out Paganism, Buddhism, Hinduism, anything other than the three monotheistic religions.
Though he makes a few references to ancient Gods from various parts of the world.
At one point we even get to see Bill Maher smoke a joint in Amsterdam.

I learned a lot from the film, especially about Muslims in the Netherlands and beliefs of the Mormon Church.

There are many interesting people who are interviewed for the movie, such as a Puerto Rican man claiming to be the second coming of Jesus Christ.

Gay men, Scientists, a former Satanic Priest are a few of the people interviewed.

So go watch it, Bill Maher adds his humour through the entire movie; I laughed a lot, I promise you'll enjoy it (and hopefully learn something).

Fun fact: 93% of Scientists are Atheist or Agnostic.