Spiritual Healing

Why am I still awake?
Why am I searching the past for answers?
All I can say to my former self is: "You never really were prepared"
for what?
For someday, and forever, to tell him everything, or to make a stand.....to leave the past behind.
But I did, I left the past behind and now all the things that I lived for are gone.
It's been a long time since I've felt like this, since I've written this way.
Two years ago makes me smile, because it was something wonderful back then; when we were becoming adults, but it seems I grew up a little too fast....too fast to really enjoy it.
I didn't accomplish any of what I set out to do, and now I'm moving on.
I feel that I've been left behind......
So maybe it's because I have to move on, because they left me behind.
The world went on without me.
So I didn't enjoy any of it.
Why am I still here?
In the same place, doing the same things, stuck in the same situation, with the same damn people?
I remember when I used to shock the room into applause, where is that girl?
And four years ago, it was a wonderland!
It was my dark, beautiful wonderland....I miss the cold, the comfort of the shadows.
I miss the sound of my favorite bands playing in my ears as I sat at the window and stared at the night sky.
When I think about all that has happened, tears can't help but form at my eyes.
At least my poetry is better than it was back then.
And then there's the things that I can't really remember, locked so deeply in my mind.
Truth is I never fit into my dad's world, I was his only daughter, his first child; and he didn't love me because his wife didn't like me.
I could've been such a great daughter, I don't know why he never saw that.
This blog, among all the other things, is also my way of healing from the past.
He kicked me out because I wasn't cookie cutter, there in small town suburbia.
I just couldn't keep pretending, it wasn't for me.
We haven't spoken since.....
All I ever wanted was parents, all I ever wanted was a stable life, a home where someone loved me.
You have to see the good in the bad though, and I learned how to stand on my own because of it.