Hmmm, it's just something that I have to say....to no one in particular.
I'm a pathological liar, but I have my reasons.
No one needs to know what's really gone on in my life.
I'm hiding the bad, the not so good and everything in-between.
Some of the lies were to cover up other lies, some of them were to cover up the sad or scandalous truth.
Now my entire life is one big lie.
And no one will ever know.
It's true that you have to acknowledge the past before you can forget it.
I've just recently began to unearth all the things I've buried, it's been a long process.
I used to dwell on everything that happened between Satan and me, because I was trying to distract myself from everything else.
I lost my virginity in a hotel room, not to Satan, not even to a guy that I liked.
I lost my virginity to a guy who was almost thirty.
I just layed there, stoned out of my mind, listening to some angsty punk music that I put on just so that it wasn't quiet.
I've felt terrible since then.
I've felt terrible since I screwed that twenty-five year old on his living room floor, I've felt terrible since I let Satan guilt-trip me into giving him head; I've felt terrible for a long time, about a lot of different things.
But truth is that you can't change the past.
I wanted one goddamn person to love me, just one.
One person who is always there for me, who helps me grow without criticizing me, someone understanding, who I'm happy to see.
I don't believe in love anymore, I'm not the person I used to be.
I'm not innocent, sweet, kind, or anything like that; I can't be.
I've been ridiculed by my peers my entire life.
When I'd go to birthday parties or even at my own birthday parties I was always an outcast.
Always crying, when I turned nine all my friends locked themselves in my room and wouldn't let me in.
When I turned six my cousins completely ignored me at my birthday party.
I had no friends in fourth and part of fifth grade, because I went to a rich school and I was socially awkward.
Because I had never gone to a school for more than a year and half the time I didn't go to school at all.
I sat under this big tree and read during recess, I convinced myself that books like Harry Potter and Lord of The Rings were real.
I escaped into my own delusions.
A shrink once told my parents that I lived in a fantasy world, it was true.
My mom criticized me for this, and she criticized me for everything else.
Why didn't I tell the shrink this, the court mediator that, my dad something, and why did I do anything.
Why was I even breathing?
My mom used to ground me from reading and writing, I don't remember why she ever grounded me.
I didn't have chores or anything, and I was too young to do anything bad.
My grandmother was always my only friend.
So what happened when I couldn't see her or after she died?
Well, with no father and a crazy mother I did what any teenage girl would do.
I went and found some boy to love me.
And when he screwed me over I found another one, and when I got sick of it I popped pills.
I thought my step-dad was gonna save me, because he couldn't stand living with my mom.
He said he was gonna take me with him, he's been saying that since I was twelve.
I'm seventeen now; they're still together, still unhappy.
I thought Satan was gonna save me, because he was like me.
He had been screwed over by parents and girls, and we were so good together.
Like we just belonged, it felt right.
My step-dad (who I thought I could trust) messed that up, but I don't think Satan could've saved me anyway.
You have to save yourself, no one else can.
It always goes this way, I hope it gets better though.
Everytime my mom talks about my future I have to hold back my thoughts.
I don't know how to tell her that what she wants is impossible, and that she's partially to blame for it.
I mostly just feel sorry for my mother, because she'll never really open her mind to anything.
She will live off her regrets, and the memory of people who have wronged her.
She will spew liberal political propaganda onto anyone willing to listen, and she will shut out the words of her only child....because she doesn't want to accept that her daughter is different than she wanted her to be.
Life isn't a novel, so I won't quote any novels; but it's pretty damn close, so I'll quote myself.
"Everything changes, nothing stays the same forever, you get through it one way or another, so just don't cry, don't you dare cry."
And I swear I won't cry, I'll never cry about the past again.
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