Meander Through Melancholy

I cannot believe I'm crossfaded alone, listening to beethoven.
And of course every person who says that they care is nowhere to be found, but this shit happens; doesn't it.
People just disappear and I can't even bring myself to write anymore than this.
What's gone and happened now?
The ode to joy is surrounding me, I'm floating in it; high above the rain clouds.
"It's better if you don't feel a fucking thing, fall asleep. And I wanted you to know it was you that we were thinking of, as we quietly died in the snow."
I used to be an avid protagonist, I'm not these days.
These days no matter how much sun shines on the world, the air is still cold.
It's tumultuous out there, but in here it's still.
The air hasn't moved in years, it's dead silence.
There's a whisper in the wind, the past calls me to pay the debt.
Here I have become the main antagonist in this twisted world.
And I suppose that I started taking drugs as an excuse for my insanity.
Like I was already crazy, so I started taking drugs so now I'd have an excuse.
It's severely self-destructive.
I should talk about how all these novels, movies, and experiences have helped me grow.
But really what I've learned is that everything is based on perception and the decisions that you make because of the way that you perceive things.
Once in awhile my vision clears and I have the strange sensation of waking up.
The air feels fresh in my lungs and I take heaping gulps of it.
My visions clears and everything is bright.
I have some wonderful realization, for a few moments I believe that everything will make itself right without my help.
This is untrue, I know it, it's clearer than the stars in the mountains.
I feel like I'm always waiting for something, though I can never say what it is.
I'm sure that I'll know when it comes, it'll be the light that leads me home.
I remember about a year ago, the last day of my Sophmore year, we were all skipping down the street.
The Shadow King was saying something like, "I can't believe that we're Seniors now, that next year is our last year of highschool."
I'm a year younger than them, they're leaving.
And what am I going to do without my faithful Shadow King by my side?
I can't even fathom.
There's something I should say, with fear of betraying Ivy.
I'm sure that fear is misplaced, it's not betrayal that lies here.
I've been talking to M a lot, I told him that I'd read a short story that he wrote.
Why?
Because it's difficult to find people who are on a remotely similar wavelength as I am.
When I find people who are, I tend to converse with them more often.
I feel bad though, because he is Ivy's ex.
I've said it and I feel much better now.
Anyway, I smoke too many goddamn cigarettes.