I'm trying really hard not to fall for him, but he makes it really difficult.
It's like I can feel his guard go down for a moment, and then suddenly it goes back up...
I think he's fighting with a lot of things within himself...the pain from his last relationship, confusion about me, and the experience of being hurt again.
After living in a small town for so long I've forgotten so much about this city.
I miss the way people talk, with slang that's specific to California....
I'm just not that girl anymore.
So what now?
Friday, July 20, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
July, 18, 2012
I'm finally back in California, and I couldn't be happier....if only everything was the way I remember it.
Where do I even begin?
My friends are mostly gone or their personalities have changed so much that they are unrecognizable.
Satan and I have been hanging out every day since I've been back, and he's not anything like I remember him to be.
For instance, he opens doors for me and he saved me from a terrible mushroom trip....he's completely in love with his ex, and part of me is terribly sad that he'll never love me, and the other part wants nothing more than friendship from him.
Being on shrooms somehow completely cleared my mind about my life.
But there is so much that is in desperate need of change.
Speaking of change, I feel like a complete outsider....
I don't know anyone these days, I don't know anything about drugs or music....I don't know what people are talking about anymore.
Some of this is almost tragic.
Where do I even begin?
My friends are mostly gone or their personalities have changed so much that they are unrecognizable.
Satan and I have been hanging out every day since I've been back, and he's not anything like I remember him to be.
For instance, he opens doors for me and he saved me from a terrible mushroom trip....he's completely in love with his ex, and part of me is terribly sad that he'll never love me, and the other part wants nothing more than friendship from him.
Being on shrooms somehow completely cleared my mind about my life.
But there is so much that is in desperate need of change.
Speaking of change, I feel like a complete outsider....
I don't know anyone these days, I don't know anything about drugs or music....I don't know what people are talking about anymore.
Some of this is almost tragic.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
July, 15, 2012
I wish that certain people would let go of grudges, particularly my step-dad....you see, once upon a time, a lot of things happened with Satan....
We've both grown up, yet my step-dad has a lingering grudge....
Could we ever fix something that has been destroyed so completely?
I wished that I could have a movie scene where the protagonist walks into a church and suddenly finds the person that they always were.
And then I heard the church bells, the pastor beckoned me inside.
Somehow, although I've never been Catholic or even Christian, his sermon gave me strength to forgive myself, to love the world again, and to let go of all the wrong that has transpired.
I'm letting my sweet boy go; as much as I cherished standing at his stove, he was fiddling with the dials....his arm around my waist.
His proclamation that my step-dad has reason to hate who he was in the past, because he hated who he was too.
His belief that if he ever was to meet my step-dad again that they would get along.
Secrets are what binds me to this pain, terrible secrets.
I have gained insight to my own demons and acceptance of those things that can't hold power over me anymore.
I'm letting him go, I'm letting the secrets go, the lies about who I am....about who I was.
I give it to the god that I now have faith in.
We've both grown up, yet my step-dad has a lingering grudge....
Could we ever fix something that has been destroyed so completely?
I wished that I could have a movie scene where the protagonist walks into a church and suddenly finds the person that they always were.
And then I heard the church bells, the pastor beckoned me inside.
Somehow, although I've never been Catholic or even Christian, his sermon gave me strength to forgive myself, to love the world again, and to let go of all the wrong that has transpired.
I'm letting my sweet boy go; as much as I cherished standing at his stove, he was fiddling with the dials....his arm around my waist.
His proclamation that my step-dad has reason to hate who he was in the past, because he hated who he was too.
His belief that if he ever was to meet my step-dad again that they would get along.
Secrets are what binds me to this pain, terrible secrets.
I have gained insight to my own demons and acceptance of those things that can't hold power over me anymore.
I'm letting him go, I'm letting the secrets go, the lies about who I am....about who I was.
I give it to the god that I now have faith in.
Monday, July 9, 2012
July, 9, 2012
"Real writers don't grow up with a white picket fence"...all of my crazy experiences will make a good novel one day.
I can't help but feel like I should appreciate what life has taught me, I wouldn't be this wonderful person with all my quirks and flaws if I would've had a "white picket fence."
I can't help but feel like I should appreciate what life has taught me, I wouldn't be this wonderful person with all my quirks and flaws if I would've had a "white picket fence."
Saturday, July 7, 2012
July, 8, 2012
I met a real life bro-hoe tonight....
And I'm letting him go; just because I'll always love him, doesn't mean I should be with him.
I can dance, listen to Bad Religion, smoke on the porch, and stare at the stars.
The alkaline trio is like a home for my heartache, and I look to find that I have no tears left to spend on a past-life.
Coffeehouses....indie music, bets for the sake of broadway, campfires, peeing in the woods, drinking half a bottle of whiskey, typical teenage douche-bags, preppy girls, the stars on a string, a sense of longing for things that will never become my reality, deliberate ignorance....
Something tells me that I'll be able to pick up the pieces of my broken universe, that maybe I can fix the world that has collapsed around me....
And I'm letting him go; just because I'll always love him, doesn't mean I should be with him.
I can dance, listen to Bad Religion, smoke on the porch, and stare at the stars.
The alkaline trio is like a home for my heartache, and I look to find that I have no tears left to spend on a past-life.
Coffeehouses....indie music, bets for the sake of broadway, campfires, peeing in the woods, drinking half a bottle of whiskey, typical teenage douche-bags, preppy girls, the stars on a string, a sense of longing for things that will never become my reality, deliberate ignorance....
Something tells me that I'll be able to pick up the pieces of my broken universe, that maybe I can fix the world that has collapsed around me....
Friday, June 29, 2012
June, 29, 2012
What do you do when your life starts to fall apart?
Homeless, jobless, with a broken heart, and no family to speak of....what can I do now?
I can't hold things together....I couldn't do it if my life depended on me....
So this is how the story ends...
Homeless, jobless, with a broken heart, and no family to speak of....what can I do now?
I can't hold things together....I couldn't do it if my life depended on me....
So this is how the story ends...
Thursday, June 28, 2012
June, 28, 2012
I forgot how he makes my heart stop, I can't help it.....after so many years I still fall for him every time.
It's the way he speaks, the way he looks at me, his mannerisms.
I return to dismay and regret, to bitter heartbreak; if only to look into his eyes for one more moment of my life.
How could I do this to myself again?
Just to hear him laugh, to feel him hold my hand, to breathe him in; I should have let him go, life is strange in that way.
As if everyone I knew could predict what I wouldn't dare to dream.
I wonder if I make too much of silly things....
It's the way he speaks, the way he looks at me, his mannerisms.
I return to dismay and regret, to bitter heartbreak; if only to look into his eyes for one more moment of my life.
How could I do this to myself again?
Just to hear him laugh, to feel him hold my hand, to breathe him in; I should have let him go, life is strange in that way.
As if everyone I knew could predict what I wouldn't dare to dream.
I wonder if I make too much of silly things....
Sunday, June 24, 2012
June, 24, 2012
So I went back to San Diego for a few days, I forgot how many good friends I actually have....
And I saw a certain someone....guess who....Satan, 4 hours of playful teasing, flirtation and cuddling.
He's really grown up, and I found myself falling for him again as he kissed my cheek and nearly fell asleep with my head on his chest....he respected my boundaries and was sweet and sincere.
He even gave my a gentle kiss as we said our goodbyes.
But now my heart and head are both a terrible mess, and I wonder if all this was merely because he's lonely....or if that look he gave me as he brushed my hair from my face meant something.
Did he feel that connection too?
The same connection from years ago, when time around could cease to exist when we looked into each other's eyes....
I felt that same uncertainty and gentleness from him that I used to before I unwittingly broke his heart.
He gave me those same intense looks that belong only in movies...
I wish I could make sense of all this, but maybe we're like the characters in the novel The Solitude of Prime Numbers; doomed to be in love, with the paths of our lives moving in the same direction, yet never crossing.
And I saw a certain someone....guess who....Satan, 4 hours of playful teasing, flirtation and cuddling.
He's really grown up, and I found myself falling for him again as he kissed my cheek and nearly fell asleep with my head on his chest....he respected my boundaries and was sweet and sincere.
He even gave my a gentle kiss as we said our goodbyes.
But now my heart and head are both a terrible mess, and I wonder if all this was merely because he's lonely....or if that look he gave me as he brushed my hair from my face meant something.
Did he feel that connection too?
The same connection from years ago, when time around could cease to exist when we looked into each other's eyes....
I felt that same uncertainty and gentleness from him that I used to before I unwittingly broke his heart.
He gave me those same intense looks that belong only in movies...
I wish I could make sense of all this, but maybe we're like the characters in the novel The Solitude of Prime Numbers; doomed to be in love, with the paths of our lives moving in the same direction, yet never crossing.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
June, 12, 2012
So my best-friend just went to a strip club for the first time....without me, because she and all my friends graduated today....without me.
Because I graduated a month ago, in a place that is so very different from anything I've ever known.
I can't figure out why I ever thought that spending my Senior year this far from home was a good idea. Why I didn't realize that I'd miss out on football games, AP psychology, AP lit, prom, grad night, graduation, and my best friend's 18th birthday....
So now I'm here, with no friends, spending my summer watching Disney movies and perusing the internet 'til 2 am....
When do I get to go home?
And what will I find when I get back?
....and why do I suddenly feel like the protagonist of The Odyssey?
"The world has changed....much of once was is lost, for none now live who remember it."
I haven't become a anti-social nerd....okay, maybe just a little.
Call of Duty and Skyrim have saved me from death by boredom within the last few weeks.
Look at the Infamous Bunny now, wasting time playing video games and being depressed over the fact that her life collapsed on her....I guess sometimes you just can't win.
Monday, June 4, 2012
June, 4, 2012
I'm not sure why I want to go home anymore....what do I have to go back to?
The pier?
The ocean?
The knowledge that everything I once had is lost with the decay of time?
I don't know what to say these days, the future is a mess and the past is long dead.
What now?
I don't want to go home to a world that has changed so much, every aspect of that world is foreign to me now.
I don't want to stay here in this coma, waiting for my own emotions to consume my mind.
I wonder if this world will ever make sense to me again....
The pier?
The ocean?
The knowledge that everything I once had is lost with the decay of time?
I don't know what to say these days, the future is a mess and the past is long dead.
What now?
I don't want to go home to a world that has changed so much, every aspect of that world is foreign to me now.
I don't want to stay here in this coma, waiting for my own emotions to consume my mind.
I wonder if this world will ever make sense to me again....
Sunday, May 13, 2012
May, 13, 2012
What do you say to the past at two in the morning?
I'm sorry?
I love you?
Goodbye forever
I had forgotten so much of what I was....what do I have now?
Save for my meager memories of that which has been forgotten with the passing of time.
If only we could turn back time and save ourselves from our own decisions.
I know not what to say....or maybe that I merely don't know how to say what I know should be said...
I need sleep, before my brain collapses on itself.
Farewell.
I'm sorry?
I love you?
Goodbye forever
I had forgotten so much of what I was....what do I have now?
Save for my meager memories of that which has been forgotten with the passing of time.
If only we could turn back time and save ourselves from our own decisions.
I know not what to say....or maybe that I merely don't know how to say what I know should be said...
I need sleep, before my brain collapses on itself.
Farewell.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
May, 4, 2012
I feel comatose...
I know I haven't written in a very long time, I've been too absorbed with the difficulties of breathing.
I still don't belong here and I'm counting the days until I can go home to people who love me.
I reconciled with The Jester, I missed him terribly.
And I managed to get myself into another mess, into another relationship from hell.
Why am I always doing that?
Anyway, I have so much to say and never enough time.
So adieu, mes amis...
Until next time.
-Bunny <3
I know I haven't written in a very long time, I've been too absorbed with the difficulties of breathing.
I still don't belong here and I'm counting the days until I can go home to people who love me.
I reconciled with The Jester, I missed him terribly.
And I managed to get myself into another mess, into another relationship from hell.
Why am I always doing that?
Anyway, I have so much to say and never enough time.
So adieu, mes amis...
Until next time.
-Bunny <3
Monday, April 16, 2012
April, 16, 2012
All I can think of is that poor girl in Satan's bathroom mirror; and all the things he said that day, "I've always had feelings for you, but I'm not a good guy."
Am I doing the same thing that he did to me?
Am I unintentionally breaking someone's heart?
Why do I always seem to break hearts?
Why do these situations continue to fall into my lap, and I wonder if maybe I should spend more time alone...
I have a habit of acting on impulse and not making sense.
I don't know anything these days, clearly I have some problems....
Every song that I hear reminds me of him, this is driving me crazy.
Maybe I made a mistake by looking for the end too soon.
I need to talk to someone, but when I look around nobody's there.
I miss my black lipstick, blue hair, and corsets....I can't believe I'm going to give up everything that I am and everything I believe in to go into the military, just because I have no other options for college.
I feel that sickness sweeping over me again.
Where white walls make me want to puke up my guts all over the bathroom floor, when I have to remind myself to breathe and stop the tears from appearing on my cheeks.
Every year when it gets close to my birthday I get depressed, I suppose this will be the worst....guess who just ran out of all that time that she was so worried about.
The end of a chapter, the beginning of another story....it's a story that fills me with anxiety.
Everything I ever wanted has faded into a memory, everything that I was is dead.
There's nothing else that I can do.
Am I doing the same thing that he did to me?
Am I unintentionally breaking someone's heart?
Why do I always seem to break hearts?
Why do these situations continue to fall into my lap, and I wonder if maybe I should spend more time alone...
I have a habit of acting on impulse and not making sense.
I don't know anything these days, clearly I have some problems....
Every song that I hear reminds me of him, this is driving me crazy.
Maybe I made a mistake by looking for the end too soon.
I need to talk to someone, but when I look around nobody's there.
I miss my black lipstick, blue hair, and corsets....I can't believe I'm going to give up everything that I am and everything I believe in to go into the military, just because I have no other options for college.
I feel that sickness sweeping over me again.
Where white walls make me want to puke up my guts all over the bathroom floor, when I have to remind myself to breathe and stop the tears from appearing on my cheeks.
Every year when it gets close to my birthday I get depressed, I suppose this will be the worst....guess who just ran out of all that time that she was so worried about.
The end of a chapter, the beginning of another story....it's a story that fills me with anxiety.
Everything I ever wanted has faded into a memory, everything that I was is dead.
There's nothing else that I can do.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
April, 4, 2012
Boys from the past pop out of nowhere and it makes me feel like I leave an impression on thoughts of feelings, or fleeting memories.
Being stuck between two different guys only works in the movies.
You don't even want to know all the trouble that I've gotten myself into within the last few days.
Really I should brush my hair and then play hangman on my phone for the next hour, until I fall into a fitful sleep and wake up with knots in my stomach over all of my most recent bad decisions.
Being stuck between two different guys only works in the movies.
You don't even want to know all the trouble that I've gotten myself into within the last few days.
Really I should brush my hair and then play hangman on my phone for the next hour, until I fall into a fitful sleep and wake up with knots in my stomach over all of my most recent bad decisions.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
April, 1, 2012
Today last year I was in the principal's office for texting in class....and my mom was yelling at me and I was crying; and the secretary in the office was laughing at me, and Catwoman was trying to make me feel better...
I'm not sure why I just remembered that.
It's odd how time drifts past you as you live in your moments of splendor and live in your moments of despair, and breathe one last time before falling into the eternal abyss....
I'm not sure why I just remembered that.
It's odd how time drifts past you as you live in your moments of splendor and live in your moments of despair, and breathe one last time before falling into the eternal abyss....
Saturday, March 31, 2012
March, 31, 2012
I hate my life sometimes....when I have the misfortune of going to vegas with a narcissistic friend and her crazy family.
Or when she accidentally deletes every single message from my boyfriend off my phone, or when every single person that I know seems to be driving me crazy....
Or when she accidentally deletes every single message from my boyfriend off my phone, or when every single person that I know seems to be driving me crazy....
Monday, March 26, 2012
March, 26, 2012
I've lost my beauty too, and I seem to fall into a role I have never played....it's a bizarre occurrence in my world that everything wouldn't work out for me.
Vegas would be more fun with stilletos and a fake ID, instead of my more attractive friend and her uptight parents....
If I was with Catwoman it wouldn't be this way. I wouldn't be a third wheel with a headache, I choke on my own words sometimes.
And I realize that I should have said no and stayed home.
Maybe not....
Maybe an unexpected turn of events could make it worth it even for a short amount of time.
Vegas would be more fun with stilletos and a fake ID, instead of my more attractive friend and her uptight parents....
If I was with Catwoman it wouldn't be this way. I wouldn't be a third wheel with a headache, I choke on my own words sometimes.
And I realize that I should have said no and stayed home.
Maybe not....
Maybe an unexpected turn of events could make it worth it even for a short amount of time.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
March, 21, 2012
I've lost so much between then and now, all I really want is everything that I once had....
Not only have I lost material belongings, but I've lost friends, and the person that I used to be.
I feel like I've died and gone to hell, and I wake up every morning to my own personal living nightmare.
I don't know how anyone is happy in this world, it seems like everyone has their problems.
This is really a great time to have a mental collapse; yes, sarcasm is necessary....
Well, goodnight, I guess.
Goodbye.
Once upon a time I hated that word.
I still hate that word, but I'll say goodbye to the past and I'll mourn everything that has been lost with the decay of time.
Not only have I lost material belongings, but I've lost friends, and the person that I used to be.
I feel like I've died and gone to hell, and I wake up every morning to my own personal living nightmare.
I don't know how anyone is happy in this world, it seems like everyone has their problems.
This is really a great time to have a mental collapse; yes, sarcasm is necessary....
Well, goodnight, I guess.
Goodbye.
Once upon a time I hated that word.
I still hate that word, but I'll say goodbye to the past and I'll mourn everything that has been lost with the decay of time.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
March, 18, 2012
It's three in the morning, and all I seem to do is make dumb decisions.
The past brings tears to my eyes as I recall every excruciating second of my former life.
What is wrong with me?
And why don't I have anyone who will stay up with me?
I used to have that, people who would stay up all night just to talk to me.
I'm not that important anymore, I've sunk into someplace awful.
This is so dreadful, I just want to go back to my fantasy land and speak with the girl that I used to be.
I want to tell her that even though she knows that her world is at its end, that she should enjoy these last few moments of golden sunshine.
Despite the chaos she should have enjoyed it, sometimes she did.
What have I done by coming to this place?
By getting involved in another stupid relationship....my heart is caving in on itself, yet again the past is causing me nothing but pain.
Why does it hurt this much, why won't it stop?
I feel so bizarre sometimes....and I feel like I deserve better sometimes, and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve anything at all.
The past brings tears to my eyes as I recall every excruciating second of my former life.
What is wrong with me?
And why don't I have anyone who will stay up with me?
I used to have that, people who would stay up all night just to talk to me.
I'm not that important anymore, I've sunk into someplace awful.
This is so dreadful, I just want to go back to my fantasy land and speak with the girl that I used to be.
I want to tell her that even though she knows that her world is at its end, that she should enjoy these last few moments of golden sunshine.
Despite the chaos she should have enjoyed it, sometimes she did.
What have I done by coming to this place?
By getting involved in another stupid relationship....my heart is caving in on itself, yet again the past is causing me nothing but pain.
Why does it hurt this much, why won't it stop?
I feel so bizarre sometimes....and I feel like I deserve better sometimes, and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve anything at all.
Friday, March 9, 2012
March, 9, 2012
Well, I should probably recount my exploits in San Diego last weekend, but I'm too lazy.
So instead I'll talk about the date that I have later and about the chill girl that I just met, who I'm totally gonna party with.
But yeah, I guess this place is getting better.
Me? I'm six feet deep in my own lies and emotional turmoil, thanks for asking though.
And in california the only thing that a girl needs to get a guy is good connections for weed, the ability to hold her liquor, the ability to kick someone's ass, and an extensive knowledge of cars, video games, comic books, and movies.
Here I just can't seem to figure it out, it's crazy.
So instead I'll talk about the date that I have later and about the chill girl that I just met, who I'm totally gonna party with.
But yeah, I guess this place is getting better.
Me? I'm six feet deep in my own lies and emotional turmoil, thanks for asking though.
And in california the only thing that a girl needs to get a guy is good connections for weed, the ability to hold her liquor, the ability to kick someone's ass, and an extensive knowledge of cars, video games, comic books, and movies.
Here I just can't seem to figure it out, it's crazy.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Look To The End
None of my dreams will come true, and one day i'll wake up more bitter than ever and i'll know that there's no more time.
Ode To Something Lost- 11.6.11
I miss reading.
I miss writing.
I feel dumber by the second.
I long for the childhood that lingers only in memories of dreams.
I long for the future that exists only in fairytales.
I would kill for some chocolate right now.
I wish I could change the past, fix the present, and dictate the future.
I also wish I had jedi powers.
I
I
I
But We all feel this way sometimes.
Everyone.
It happens to everyone.
12:17 am
Goodnight.
I miss writing.
I feel dumber by the second.
I long for the childhood that lingers only in memories of dreams.
I long for the future that exists only in fairytales.
I would kill for some chocolate right now.
I wish I could change the past, fix the present, and dictate the future.
I also wish I had jedi powers.
I
I
I
But We all feel this way sometimes.
Everyone.
It happens to everyone.
12:17 am
Goodnight.
Letter To Someone Who Will Never Read It- 10.18.11
I wonder sometimes if things could've been different between us.
Maybe if my circumstances had been different, maybe if I hadn't been so dumb and crazy.
Now that my life is moving on and I'll never see you again....
Maybe...maybe I should say goodbye to you one last time.
Because for a long time you were my everything, and I loved you for being something I had always needed.
So I'd write you one last heartfelt letter and maybe drop it on your doorstep;
But this is when I stop and realize you would've never read it anyway.
Maybe if my circumstances had been different, maybe if I hadn't been so dumb and crazy.
Now that my life is moving on and I'll never see you again....
Maybe...maybe I should say goodbye to you one last time.
Because for a long time you were my everything, and I loved you for being something I had always needed.
So I'd write you one last heartfelt letter and maybe drop it on your doorstep;
But this is when I stop and realize you would've never read it anyway.
Please Take Me Home- 10.28.11
I'll really miss the ocean someday.
It's difficult to admit that I complicate my own life, and that one day I will regret all this.
It's difficult to admit that I want something different than what I have.
What did that one girl say, a long time ago?
"You can't forget the past, or imagine the future.
you can't imagine your life without the people who changed it...."
And some other stuff that no one could quite remember.
Goodbye, little girl.....may the force be with you.
It's difficult to admit that I complicate my own life, and that one day I will regret all this.
It's difficult to admit that I want something different than what I have.
What did that one girl say, a long time ago?
"You can't forget the past, or imagine the future.
you can't imagine your life without the people who changed it...."
And some other stuff that no one could quite remember.
Goodbye, little girl.....may the force be with you.
Worser?- 10.15.11
So i'm sitting in a bathroom now.
Can it get any worse?
Friends that sell you out for boys?
Or something like that....
Texting a boy.
Maybe I should mention that i'm schizo....
But I guess all this is over.
I should leave it all alone.
Can it get any worse?
Friends that sell you out for boys?
Or something like that....
Texting a boy.
Maybe I should mention that i'm schizo....
But I guess all this is over.
I should leave it all alone.
Riding In Cars With Boys- 10.15.11
No, it's another story.
But this time I don't fold, this time I really lose.
Maybe i'm out of my comfort zone, or out of my mind.
Away from home, away from him, on my own.
Somewhat.
Supposedly in the care of a best friend, in the care of an oblivious friend.
In the care of a society oblivious to social norms.
Do you really need an explanation?
Have we really strayed so far from the so-called american dream.
I'm just constantly bluffing in a world in which I do not belong.
I don't understand this world, and I want out.
I have this pounding in my head, this terribly bad music is suffocating me.
Teenage stupidity is killing me.
Nobody can save me from what i've subjected myself to.
Help me, please.
But this time I don't fold, this time I really lose.
Maybe i'm out of my comfort zone, or out of my mind.
Away from home, away from him, on my own.
Somewhat.
Supposedly in the care of a best friend, in the care of an oblivious friend.
In the care of a society oblivious to social norms.
Do you really need an explanation?
Have we really strayed so far from the so-called american dream.
I'm just constantly bluffing in a world in which I do not belong.
I don't understand this world, and I want out.
I have this pounding in my head, this terribly bad music is suffocating me.
Teenage stupidity is killing me.
Nobody can save me from what i've subjected myself to.
Help me, please.
Another New Beginning- 10.15.11
So here I am again, with no excuse.
But I'm convinced now more than ever that I need to leave all this behind me. Maybe my present doesn't align with my past.
It's time to clean up my life....
But I'm convinced now more than ever that I need to leave all this behind me. Maybe my present doesn't align with my past.
It's time to clean up my life....
Tears and Other Nonsensical Things- 10.5.11
It's weird to be the fifth wheel, says the girl who's always the center of attention.
And skirts aren't supposed to be this short.
God will never bless me, i've sinned too much.
And "It was never plugged in at all."
Thoughts are fleeting, and it's weird to say goodbye.
Well isn't this awkward? Says the girl in the corner, sighing.
I don't wanna have sex with random people, okay?
But still i'm really lonely.
This wasn't my idea, okay?
My grammar is kinda fucked up.
Let's change the subject, okay?
Why does this always happen?
I feel really out of place.
Oh, god, time to leave the past behind me.
I keep saying this.
Fuck....okay?
Maybe I should leave my own mind and escape.
Have fun with paranoid delusions. Okay?
Drugs hid the fact that i'm fucked up.
But how fucked up am I? Really?
Okay.
And skirts aren't supposed to be this short.
God will never bless me, i've sinned too much.
And "It was never plugged in at all."
Thoughts are fleeting, and it's weird to say goodbye.
Well isn't this awkward? Says the girl in the corner, sighing.
I don't wanna have sex with random people, okay?
But still i'm really lonely.
This wasn't my idea, okay?
My grammar is kinda fucked up.
Let's change the subject, okay?
Why does this always happen?
I feel really out of place.
Oh, god, time to leave the past behind me.
I keep saying this.
Fuck....okay?
Maybe I should leave my own mind and escape.
Have fun with paranoid delusions. Okay?
Drugs hid the fact that i'm fucked up.
But how fucked up am I? Really?
Okay.
Thoughts & Frustrations- 9.1.11
I wanna go home, but I dont really have a home to go to.
I'm so sick of saying that.
It's emotionally draining not to have a place where you can be yourself and be at peace with the rest of the world.
Two days here and I already want to leave, it's because I wasn't emotionally prepared for it to begin with.
Like I'm already so mentally fragile and fucked up that I can't handle even the most minor assault on my mental well-being without breaking down.
This is bad, I need to stop and just shut the fuck up.
I am of no value to this world and the state of my existence is insignificant.
I'll bite my tongue and somehow do it on my own..
I'm so sick of saying that.
It's emotionally draining not to have a place where you can be yourself and be at peace with the rest of the world.
Two days here and I already want to leave, it's because I wasn't emotionally prepared for it to begin with.
Like I'm already so mentally fragile and fucked up that I can't handle even the most minor assault on my mental well-being without breaking down.
This is bad, I need to stop and just shut the fuck up.
I am of no value to this world and the state of my existence is insignificant.
I'll bite my tongue and somehow do it on my own..
September, 1, 2011
Note:
Um, blog entries that I never bothered to post....here you are.
Let us evaluate what's going on...um, im tired, stressed out, emotionally uncomfortable, and severely confused. Well, why?
Tired: because I've been going nonstop months and I really just need a break in my own space.
Stressed: school, my mother, money, independence, my own emotions running in so many different directions
Emotionally uncomfortable: because whether intentional or not everyone is messing with my head
Confused: well, what now?
Um, blog entries that I never bothered to post....here you are.
Let us evaluate what's going on...um, im tired, stressed out, emotionally uncomfortable, and severely confused. Well, why?
Tired: because I've been going nonstop months and I really just need a break in my own space.
Stressed: school, my mother, money, independence, my own emotions running in so many different directions
Emotionally uncomfortable: because whether intentional or not everyone is messing with my head
Confused: well, what now?
Friday, February 24, 2012
February, 24, 2012
It's really funny the way things work out sometimes...
Fall Out Boy and potentially the boy of my dreams....my life is somehow always so complicated.
But I loved this song once, back when my future was a little less dim.
I have to believe that I can change my own destiny.
Fall Out Boy and potentially the boy of my dreams....my life is somehow always so complicated.
But I loved this song once, back when my future was a little less dim.
I have to believe that I can change my own destiny.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
February, 23, 2012
I am The Queen of Night, the Infamous Bunny, and I keep creating things that just don't exist. Because once upon a time I could pull almost anything out of a fucking top-hat.
Monday, February 20, 2012
February, 20, 2012
It's so difficult to let go of the past.
But we grow and change, we leanr to move on.
We try to make the next few seconds of our life brighter, because you never know when it will be gone.
We'll never be able to account for the future or the past.....
It's like that Canadian movie, One Week.
That's how I feel sometimes, I feel like my life is ending quicker than I can live it, but maybe we should worry.
It figures....I stop myself and ask, "what the hell did I get myself into this time?"
Boys who like me, boys who pretend to like me, and boys who piss me off.
Why isn't there a happy medium in all this teenage craziness?
Why isn't there a cute boy that I get along with, who isn't "in a relationship" or "in love?"
Or just looking for a good time?
Don't they exist somewhere?
But we grow and change, we leanr to move on.
We try to make the next few seconds of our life brighter, because you never know when it will be gone.
We'll never be able to account for the future or the past.....
It's like that Canadian movie, One Week.
That's how I feel sometimes, I feel like my life is ending quicker than I can live it, but maybe we should worry.
It figures....I stop myself and ask, "what the hell did I get myself into this time?"
Boys who like me, boys who pretend to like me, and boys who piss me off.
Why isn't there a happy medium in all this teenage craziness?
Why isn't there a cute boy that I get along with, who isn't "in a relationship" or "in love?"
Or just looking for a good time?
Don't they exist somewhere?
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Eros, Ai, Ashegi, Amore, Aimer
Maybe depressed people like to look for love because the brain releases chemicals, such as dopamine and seratonin, that are generally imbalanced in people suffering from certain brain conditions.
Maybe my interest in the psychology of love, the theme of love in any form of creative art, and the romanticism of writing is because I'm Persian.
If you look at Persian history ancient Persians were great philosophers, artists, poets, and connoisseurs of beauty.
It's interesting how different cultures are completely based on different concepts of love.
It looks like love affects everything in the world.
You know the goddess of love in the Elder Scrolls video games, Mara, is actually based on the Hindu, Maara or kama.
Maybe my interest in the psychology of love, the theme of love in any form of creative art, and the romanticism of writing is because I'm Persian.
If you look at Persian history ancient Persians were great philosophers, artists, poets, and connoisseurs of beauty.
It's interesting how different cultures are completely based on different concepts of love.
It looks like love affects everything in the world.
You know the goddess of love in the Elder Scrolls video games, Mara, is actually based on the Hindu, Maara or kama.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Collective Thoughts
And sometimes I love my life....
I wonder if it would be easier to just live with my craziness instead of trying to make myself "normal"
And no matter where I go I can't seem to get away from dysfunction.
I wish I had a home to go back to....
I feel accomplished these days for adapting to life under this insurmountable amount of stress....
It's strange really, I'm going stir crazy.
I made friends, I guess.
How truly strange....
I see posts from my friends on Facebook about all the things that I used to be part of, and it makes me terribly sad.
I wish I was there to enjoy my Senior year.
I miss the people that still call me Bunny, and who tell me that I made life awesome, and all our inside jokes about me stripping in public.
Everyone keeps telling me how I don't seem the same, I don't feel the same.
It's funny how boys reappear if they really loved you, even if they disappear again just as quickly.
Everything is so damn funny.
I wonder if it would be easier to just live with my craziness instead of trying to make myself "normal"
And no matter where I go I can't seem to get away from dysfunction.
I wish I had a home to go back to....
I feel accomplished these days for adapting to life under this insurmountable amount of stress....
It's strange really, I'm going stir crazy.
I made friends, I guess.
How truly strange....
I see posts from my friends on Facebook about all the things that I used to be part of, and it makes me terribly sad.
I wish I was there to enjoy my Senior year.
I miss the people that still call me Bunny, and who tell me that I made life awesome, and all our inside jokes about me stripping in public.
Everyone keeps telling me how I don't seem the same, I don't feel the same.
It's funny how boys reappear if they really loved you, even if they disappear again just as quickly.
Everything is so damn funny.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Methaphorical Madness?
Apparently I've still got it.
And why can't I find a video collage of the most romantic scenes out of Kevin Smith movies...
I want to find something spectacular, but I find bullshit.
It always happens, and lately nothing seems to happen the way I want it to.
It's terrible.
I never realized the way shit used to always somehow work about for me, it was always kind of fucked up; but not bad like this.
I never realized that I'm a cliche, and I never realized how different the world outside of California is.
I don't want to spend three months here, I don't want to spend another day here. And I'll break down and complain about how hard everything is, how difficult my life is.
Everything I ever had is falling apart, and I've never been so homesick in my life.
"I fucked this one up long ago"
It's odd that I'll never run down the stairs of the 200 building to see the laughing faces of people who adore me.
It's odd that the girl that I was no longer exists.
It's odd that nothing ever seems to simply fall into my lap anymore.
All of this is so strange, I don't belong here.
I feel like people here don't get it, don't get me....watching looks of what could possibly be interpreted as annoyance displayed on their faces.
I just want to go back to the one place where everyone is like me.
Where I'm not a black sheep, I miss being part of a herd of rainbow sheep.
I'm so lonely here....
I'm so at a loss for how to behave, what to say, and I'm so uncomfortable constantly in all of these ridiculous situations.
And why can't I find a video collage of the most romantic scenes out of Kevin Smith movies...
I want to find something spectacular, but I find bullshit.
It always happens, and lately nothing seems to happen the way I want it to.
It's terrible.
I never realized the way shit used to always somehow work about for me, it was always kind of fucked up; but not bad like this.
I never realized that I'm a cliche, and I never realized how different the world outside of California is.
I don't want to spend three months here, I don't want to spend another day here. And I'll break down and complain about how hard everything is, how difficult my life is.
Everything I ever had is falling apart, and I've never been so homesick in my life.
"I fucked this one up long ago"
It's odd that I'll never run down the stairs of the 200 building to see the laughing faces of people who adore me.
It's odd that the girl that I was no longer exists.
It's odd that nothing ever seems to simply fall into my lap anymore.
All of this is so strange, I don't belong here.
I feel like people here don't get it, don't get me....watching looks of what could possibly be interpreted as annoyance displayed on their faces.
I just want to go back to the one place where everyone is like me.
Where I'm not a black sheep, I miss being part of a herd of rainbow sheep.
I'm so lonely here....
I'm so at a loss for how to behave, what to say, and I'm so uncomfortable constantly in all of these ridiculous situations.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Metaphorical Chocolate
Who doesn't love a sappy romance movie?
I certainly adore them, so I've compiled a list of some of my favorites (most of these made me cry).
Of course we have The Notebook and Titanic, but here are some more.....
Catch and Release-
Kevin Smith co-stars as the best friend of Jennifer Garner, who plays Gray, a girl who's fiance dies. Lots of sad and heartwarming things happen to her as the movie progresses. Just watch it, it's good.
Sabrina-
Who doesn't love Audrey Hepburn. Need I say more?
The Wedding Singer-
A fun film starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. It's a wonderful, funny love story set in the 80's.
How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days-
I don't know why I like this movie. It's about a writer who works for a magazine that gives her the challenge of writing an article about all the things women do wrong in relationships. Matthew Mcconaughey is in it, and he does a wonderful job alongside Kate Hudson who is gorgeous and funny as always.
Sixteen Candles-
Part of the plethora of Molly Ringwald's career in 80's highschool movies. But we love her as she falls for the popular boy. It's a movie I'm sure we've all seen and loved.
Between Love and Goodbye-
A gay drama about two lovers who have more than a few problems after a certain family member reappears. This one choked me with heaving sobs.
Who's That Girl-
It turns out that Madonna plays the sassy, confident girl very well. A comedy and a romance, without being a romantic comedy. It's quirky, fun, and anything but cliche.
RENT-
A movie all about love. The musical that changed the world. Adam Pascal, Anthony Rapp, Idina Menzel, Rosario Dawson....I haven't met someone who didn't cry during this.
Les Chansons D'Amour-
Commonly known as Love Songs. A stereotypically melancholy French musical. It's worth watching if you're alright with reading subtitles.
Before Sunrise-
A sweet film about a French girl and American boy who fall in love one day when they meet on a train in Europe. The sequel, Before Sunset, is also good.
Wristcutters: A Love Story-
An independent film, too strange for words. Yet a love story nonetheless, I enjoyed it (although I haven't seen it in years)
50 First Dates-
Another Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore film. A pretty girl has amnesia, while a sweet, funny guy falls in love with her. Also I hope you like Reeses, Spam, Hawaii, and penguins.
You've Got Mail-
Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan star in a movie that is a modern day Pride and Prejudice. The wealthy owner of a bookstore chain accidentally falls in love with the owner of a local bookstore, it just so happens that their businesses are competing. And incidentally they've been talking online without knowledge of who the other person is; interesting, isn't it?
Desperately Seeking Susan-
Another Madonna movie. Rosanna Arquette plays a housewife obsessed with romance and the personal ads in the newspaper. The plot becomes full of mystery and romance as Rosanna's character loses her memory and accidentally switches places with Susan (Madonna's character).
Amelie-
A wonderful French film about a girl who finds love for everyone else and by chance falls in love herself. Filled with eccentric characters and an indie film flair.
Love Actually-
Another foreign film, actually an English film. I love Colin Firth so much. Keira Knightley is also in this one. It's all about love in all it's forms, involving several different stories and many different characters.
Bend it Like Beckham-
Not strictly a romance, but romantic enough to make my list. It's about an Indian girl in England who wants desperately to play Football (Soccer), her family is very traditional and doesn't approve. To make matters worse she falls in love with her coach.
My Best Friend's Wedding-
You've heard this one before....In love with your best friend? Made a pact to get married if you never find someone? Too bad he just did find someone. Classic Julia Roberts, you really can't go wrong.
A Walk To Remember-
Mandy Moore is the typical church on Sunday kind of good girl. Shane West is the typical delinquent bad boy. What happens when they fall in love? Well, a tragic plot twist.
Clerks 2-
Kevin Smith, you've done it again. Scandalous, hilarious, and heartwarming. Jay, Silent Bob, Randall, Dante, Rosario Dawson and even Ben Affleck appear in this wonderful movie. Among the sexual innuendos and clever cracks for nerds there is the central story of Dante and Becky's gradually changing relationship. My explanation really can't do justice to this film.
10 Things I Hate About You-
Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger in a typical highschool romantic comedy, based on Shakespeare's Taming of The Shrew. It's definitely a feel good film, and I'm pretty sure every girl in their teens or twenties probably loves this movie.
Cold Mountain-
Based on the novel of the same name. Set in the American Civil War, sometimes gruesome and terribly sad. Lots of famous people in this one, such as Jude Law, Nicole Kidman, Renee Zellweger, and Natalie Portman.
Love in The Afternoon-
Another Audrey Hepburn film. She plays a sweet girl in France who meets an incurable playboy by chance. As always Audrey is lovely and sincere, it's one of her lesser known films.
Pride and Prejudice-
So many versions of this film, it is the quintessential love story. My favorite version is the one from A&E starring Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy.
Bright Star-
A film about the famous romantic poet John Keats and his romance with Fanny Brawne. This movie is truly sad, and the epitome of romance.
Pretty in Pink-
Molly Ringwald in another highschool movie. This time she falls for a guy from the right side of the tracks, and everyone they know just doesn't want it to happen. Can love truly transcend even the gap between rich and poor? People have been asking that question for decades.
Benny and Joon-
Johnny Depp is crazy and falls in love with a crazy girl....and we have a crazy love story. This movie always makes me smile, who doesn't love lovable weirdos.
The Princess Bride-
A classic in its own right. Everyone loves this movie, and rightly so. It's fantasy, it's romance, it's amazing.
Immortal Beloved-
A movie about Beethoven and his secret love...his Immortal Beloved. Another sad movie that I adore.
13 Going on 30-
A girl turning thirteen just wants to be "thirty, flirty, and thriving." When a birthday wish goes awry she wakes up and is a thirty year woman working for a fashion magazine (Jennifer Garner). She eventually realizes that she's lost her best friend from childhood (that she falls in love with) and that she's not a good person. Can she make things right before it's too late?
Becoming Jane-
Anne Hathaway plays Jane Austen in this romanticized biography of the stories that inspired so many of her novels.
Better Off Dead-
An odd 80's highschool movie about a guy who tries to kill himself after his girlfriend dumps him, and the French foreign exchange student who's staying with the family who lives across the street.
Chocolat-
About a nomadic woman and her daughter who open a chocolate shop in a French town during lent. It includes stories of the townspeople and a romance between the woman and a gypsy (Johnny Depp)
Zack and Miri Make A Porno-
Kevin Smith does it again. Two best friends from highschool can't pay their rent, so they come up with a plan to make/distribute a porno. And who would've guessed that they fall in love. This movie is risque beyond belief and sometimes I can't believe that they show it on tv. It's a great movie though, under all the terribly funny sex jokes there is something very sweet and simple. Not to mention Jason Mewes nakedness definitely helps.
So that was most of my favorite romantic movies ever, I hope you like the list. Whatever you do today make sure you remember that love is always found when least expected, and that there's nothing wrong with a passionate romance between you and 'Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream'
I certainly adore them, so I've compiled a list of some of my favorites (most of these made me cry).
Of course we have The Notebook and Titanic, but here are some more.....
Catch and Release-
Kevin Smith co-stars as the best friend of Jennifer Garner, who plays Gray, a girl who's fiance dies. Lots of sad and heartwarming things happen to her as the movie progresses. Just watch it, it's good.
Sabrina-
Who doesn't love Audrey Hepburn. Need I say more?
The Wedding Singer-
A fun film starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. It's a wonderful, funny love story set in the 80's.
How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days-
I don't know why I like this movie. It's about a writer who works for a magazine that gives her the challenge of writing an article about all the things women do wrong in relationships. Matthew Mcconaughey is in it, and he does a wonderful job alongside Kate Hudson who is gorgeous and funny as always.
Sixteen Candles-
Part of the plethora of Molly Ringwald's career in 80's highschool movies. But we love her as she falls for the popular boy. It's a movie I'm sure we've all seen and loved.
Between Love and Goodbye-
A gay drama about two lovers who have more than a few problems after a certain family member reappears. This one choked me with heaving sobs.
Who's That Girl-
It turns out that Madonna plays the sassy, confident girl very well. A comedy and a romance, without being a romantic comedy. It's quirky, fun, and anything but cliche.
RENT-
A movie all about love. The musical that changed the world. Adam Pascal, Anthony Rapp, Idina Menzel, Rosario Dawson....I haven't met someone who didn't cry during this.
Les Chansons D'Amour-
Commonly known as Love Songs. A stereotypically melancholy French musical. It's worth watching if you're alright with reading subtitles.
Before Sunrise-
A sweet film about a French girl and American boy who fall in love one day when they meet on a train in Europe. The sequel, Before Sunset, is also good.
Wristcutters: A Love Story-
An independent film, too strange for words. Yet a love story nonetheless, I enjoyed it (although I haven't seen it in years)
50 First Dates-
Another Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore film. A pretty girl has amnesia, while a sweet, funny guy falls in love with her. Also I hope you like Reeses, Spam, Hawaii, and penguins.
You've Got Mail-
Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan star in a movie that is a modern day Pride and Prejudice. The wealthy owner of a bookstore chain accidentally falls in love with the owner of a local bookstore, it just so happens that their businesses are competing. And incidentally they've been talking online without knowledge of who the other person is; interesting, isn't it?
Desperately Seeking Susan-
Another Madonna movie. Rosanna Arquette plays a housewife obsessed with romance and the personal ads in the newspaper. The plot becomes full of mystery and romance as Rosanna's character loses her memory and accidentally switches places with Susan (Madonna's character).
Amelie-
A wonderful French film about a girl who finds love for everyone else and by chance falls in love herself. Filled with eccentric characters and an indie film flair.
Love Actually-
Another foreign film, actually an English film. I love Colin Firth so much. Keira Knightley is also in this one. It's all about love in all it's forms, involving several different stories and many different characters.
Bend it Like Beckham-
Not strictly a romance, but romantic enough to make my list. It's about an Indian girl in England who wants desperately to play Football (Soccer), her family is very traditional and doesn't approve. To make matters worse she falls in love with her coach.
My Best Friend's Wedding-
You've heard this one before....In love with your best friend? Made a pact to get married if you never find someone? Too bad he just did find someone. Classic Julia Roberts, you really can't go wrong.
A Walk To Remember-
Mandy Moore is the typical church on Sunday kind of good girl. Shane West is the typical delinquent bad boy. What happens when they fall in love? Well, a tragic plot twist.
Clerks 2-
Kevin Smith, you've done it again. Scandalous, hilarious, and heartwarming. Jay, Silent Bob, Randall, Dante, Rosario Dawson and even Ben Affleck appear in this wonderful movie. Among the sexual innuendos and clever cracks for nerds there is the central story of Dante and Becky's gradually changing relationship. My explanation really can't do justice to this film.
10 Things I Hate About You-
Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger in a typical highschool romantic comedy, based on Shakespeare's Taming of The Shrew. It's definitely a feel good film, and I'm pretty sure every girl in their teens or twenties probably loves this movie.
Cold Mountain-
Based on the novel of the same name. Set in the American Civil War, sometimes gruesome and terribly sad. Lots of famous people in this one, such as Jude Law, Nicole Kidman, Renee Zellweger, and Natalie Portman.
Love in The Afternoon-
Another Audrey Hepburn film. She plays a sweet girl in France who meets an incurable playboy by chance. As always Audrey is lovely and sincere, it's one of her lesser known films.
Pride and Prejudice-
So many versions of this film, it is the quintessential love story. My favorite version is the one from A&E starring Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy.
Bright Star-
A film about the famous romantic poet John Keats and his romance with Fanny Brawne. This movie is truly sad, and the epitome of romance.
Pretty in Pink-
Molly Ringwald in another highschool movie. This time she falls for a guy from the right side of the tracks, and everyone they know just doesn't want it to happen. Can love truly transcend even the gap between rich and poor? People have been asking that question for decades.
Benny and Joon-
Johnny Depp is crazy and falls in love with a crazy girl....and we have a crazy love story. This movie always makes me smile, who doesn't love lovable weirdos.
The Princess Bride-
A classic in its own right. Everyone loves this movie, and rightly so. It's fantasy, it's romance, it's amazing.
Immortal Beloved-
A movie about Beethoven and his secret love...his Immortal Beloved. Another sad movie that I adore.
13 Going on 30-
A girl turning thirteen just wants to be "thirty, flirty, and thriving." When a birthday wish goes awry she wakes up and is a thirty year woman working for a fashion magazine (Jennifer Garner). She eventually realizes that she's lost her best friend from childhood (that she falls in love with) and that she's not a good person. Can she make things right before it's too late?
Becoming Jane-
Anne Hathaway plays Jane Austen in this romanticized biography of the stories that inspired so many of her novels.
Better Off Dead-
An odd 80's highschool movie about a guy who tries to kill himself after his girlfriend dumps him, and the French foreign exchange student who's staying with the family who lives across the street.
Chocolat-
About a nomadic woman and her daughter who open a chocolate shop in a French town during lent. It includes stories of the townspeople and a romance between the woman and a gypsy (Johnny Depp)
Zack and Miri Make A Porno-
Kevin Smith does it again. Two best friends from highschool can't pay their rent, so they come up with a plan to make/distribute a porno. And who would've guessed that they fall in love. This movie is risque beyond belief and sometimes I can't believe that they show it on tv. It's a great movie though, under all the terribly funny sex jokes there is something very sweet and simple. Not to mention Jason Mewes nakedness definitely helps.
So that was most of my favorite romantic movies ever, I hope you like the list. Whatever you do today make sure you remember that love is always found when least expected, and that there's nothing wrong with a passionate romance between you and 'Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream'
Dotted With Hearts
Happy Valentine's Day!
There's nothing like whiskey in your coffee.
Since I'm always single on Valentines, I think we should recount all my past romances (or at least the important ones)
1. Michael- Sixth grade. He was a Sophmore in highschool. He gave me a singing monster with a heart for my birthday. He was two years older than me.
2.Dillan- Seventh grade. We kinda dated. Idk, we were gonna go to a dance together, but I ended up grounded....I'm not sure what happened after that.
3.Jared- Seventh grade. He was too dysfunctional for me to handle. So I broke up with him, he cried....and continued to send me love letters for an entire year after that. It lasted a week. He was a year older than me.
4.Travis- Seventh grade? Can't really remember, but I think that was the first time I dated one of my friends.
5.My Bestie Forever- Seventh grade? We dated for about an hour, and then realized it was too weird; so we continued being best friends. He's about a year older than me.
6.Tanner- Eighth grade. Apparently he only dated me b/c I had blue hair. He was my first kiss. I dated him twice, he was the only guy to ever dump me (twice). It lasted 3 days, and then eight hours. I never made that mistake again.
7.Alex- Eighth grade. He was Tanner's friend, he really liked me; but I thought he didn't. I dumped him after a week, it started lots of drama. He was about a year older than me?
8.Teddy- Eighth grade. Dated him b/c I was lonely and bored. His friends hated me, and it turned out to be a joke cooked up by all of them. It kind of back-fired on them, b/c I never cared in the first place. It lasted a week.
9.Satan- Eighth grade. Long story short: We had a fantasy romance, it all ended when my step-dad decided he didn't like him. I dumped him by text message, he never forgave me. I fucked up, and things have been weird since. It lasted about a week (or three and a half years?) He was a year and a half older than me.
10.Wyatt- Eighth grade. We went to Seventh grade together, he always had a thing for me. I dated him b/c he was sweet, I was his first kiss. He was too much of a "square" for me, so I ended it nicely. It lasted a few months, but it was long-distance.
11.A Nerdy Friend of Mine- Ninth grade. We're still really close. He was a gentleman. I'm not entirely sure what happened, but I believe it was a mutual break-up b/c there was no spark. It lasted about a week or two. He was about a year older than me.
12.Max- Ninth grade. He liked me for like ever. I was supposed to go to homecoming with him my freshman year, I got grounded. Also about a year older than me.
13.My Southern Boy- Ninth grade. He was Satan's friend, I'm a flirt. And this is another long story. It was a mutual break-up; I was bored and he was uninterested. It lasted about two weeks (maybe?) He's almost two years older than me.
14.The Boy With Green Eyes- Ninth grade. A really intense and complicated romance. There is not nearly enough room here to explain; all I can say is that we had strong feelings for each other, and it ended badly. It lasted a few months. He was about three years older than me.
15.Brendan- Ninth grade. Drama. I liked him for awhile, and he kissed me while he was drunk. Nothing else ever happened. He was about a year older than me.
16.Mike- Ninth grade? He wanted me to be his fuck buddy, I wasn't buying. He created a lot of drama. He was almost two years older than me.
17.Nick- Ninth grade. Lost my virginity to him, I knew him forever. We never actually dated. He was a few years older than me.
18.The Jester- Tenth grade. Yes, we dated. No, it didn't last longer than a week. No, I don't really know what happened. Yes, I broke up with him. And the drama didn't happen 'til later. It lasted a week. He was a year older than me.
19.Douche Bag- Tenth grade. I don't remember anyone else that I dated that year. He bought me cigarettes and let me smoke out with his friends. He was Satan's friend and the biggest jerk I've ever met. I don't know if he actually thought we were dating, there was confusion and drama. I dumped him after awhile. He was four years older than me.
20.Snuff- Tenth grade? I kissed him once. Idk.
21.That Wonderful Boy- Tenth grade. I actually did date him, everyone was convinced that he was in love with me. He was really good for me, and absolutely amazing. I still sometimes miss him, and I don't remember what happened between us. Sad Bunny.
22.A Boy I Still Talk To- Occasionally. Eleventh grade. We dated about a week, never really hung out. We were supposed to party together and stuff.
23.Another Random Boy- Eleventh grade. I met him on the internet, his family was nice. He was a nerd....He took me out to dinner, payed for everything, and was generally really nice. It lasted awhile.
24.Skater Boy #1- Eleventh grade. We flirted a lot for a couple of years, and I really liked him. Nothing ever happened. He was a year older than me.
25.Skater Boy #2- I liked him forever....We flirted a bit, and always planned to hang out. It never happened. He was a year older than me.
26.My Former Prince- Eleventh grade. He was adorable and awesome. We flirted a lot and stuff. He was the only boyfriend I ever had sex with. I let him break up with me, I don't remember how long it lasted. He was a year younger than me.
27.Trevor- Eleventh grade. I think I had sex with him crossfaded, thought I was pregnant. He was in his twenties, and idk.
28.That One Boy- Eleventh grade. I don't remember what I called him in this blog. He was so much fun, and so chill. I guess he really liked me. We dated for awhile, and never had an official break-up. He was two years older than me.
29.Travis- Eleventh grade. Yes, another Travis. We really liked each other, only hung out once and made out in a park. Idk what happened.
Well, maybe my lucky number is thirty, eh?
Happy weird, romantic, ridiculous holiday.
From the one and only,
Infamous Miss Fuck Bunny Badass Bombshell Bitch <333
There's nothing like whiskey in your coffee.
Since I'm always single on Valentines, I think we should recount all my past romances (or at least the important ones)
1. Michael- Sixth grade. He was a Sophmore in highschool. He gave me a singing monster with a heart for my birthday. He was two years older than me.
2.Dillan- Seventh grade. We kinda dated. Idk, we were gonna go to a dance together, but I ended up grounded....I'm not sure what happened after that.
3.Jared- Seventh grade. He was too dysfunctional for me to handle. So I broke up with him, he cried....and continued to send me love letters for an entire year after that. It lasted a week. He was a year older than me.
4.Travis- Seventh grade? Can't really remember, but I think that was the first time I dated one of my friends.
5.My Bestie Forever- Seventh grade? We dated for about an hour, and then realized it was too weird; so we continued being best friends. He's about a year older than me.
6.Tanner- Eighth grade. Apparently he only dated me b/c I had blue hair. He was my first kiss. I dated him twice, he was the only guy to ever dump me (twice). It lasted 3 days, and then eight hours. I never made that mistake again.
7.Alex- Eighth grade. He was Tanner's friend, he really liked me; but I thought he didn't. I dumped him after a week, it started lots of drama. He was about a year older than me?
8.Teddy- Eighth grade. Dated him b/c I was lonely and bored. His friends hated me, and it turned out to be a joke cooked up by all of them. It kind of back-fired on them, b/c I never cared in the first place. It lasted a week.
9.Satan- Eighth grade. Long story short: We had a fantasy romance, it all ended when my step-dad decided he didn't like him. I dumped him by text message, he never forgave me. I fucked up, and things have been weird since. It lasted about a week (or three and a half years?) He was a year and a half older than me.
10.Wyatt- Eighth grade. We went to Seventh grade together, he always had a thing for me. I dated him b/c he was sweet, I was his first kiss. He was too much of a "square" for me, so I ended it nicely. It lasted a few months, but it was long-distance.
11.A Nerdy Friend of Mine- Ninth grade. We're still really close. He was a gentleman. I'm not entirely sure what happened, but I believe it was a mutual break-up b/c there was no spark. It lasted about a week or two. He was about a year older than me.
12.Max- Ninth grade. He liked me for like ever. I was supposed to go to homecoming with him my freshman year, I got grounded. Also about a year older than me.
13.My Southern Boy- Ninth grade. He was Satan's friend, I'm a flirt. And this is another long story. It was a mutual break-up; I was bored and he was uninterested. It lasted about two weeks (maybe?) He's almost two years older than me.
14.The Boy With Green Eyes- Ninth grade. A really intense and complicated romance. There is not nearly enough room here to explain; all I can say is that we had strong feelings for each other, and it ended badly. It lasted a few months. He was about three years older than me.
15.Brendan- Ninth grade. Drama. I liked him for awhile, and he kissed me while he was drunk. Nothing else ever happened. He was about a year older than me.
16.Mike- Ninth grade? He wanted me to be his fuck buddy, I wasn't buying. He created a lot of drama. He was almost two years older than me.
17.Nick- Ninth grade. Lost my virginity to him, I knew him forever. We never actually dated. He was a few years older than me.
18.The Jester- Tenth grade. Yes, we dated. No, it didn't last longer than a week. No, I don't really know what happened. Yes, I broke up with him. And the drama didn't happen 'til later. It lasted a week. He was a year older than me.
19.Douche Bag- Tenth grade. I don't remember anyone else that I dated that year. He bought me cigarettes and let me smoke out with his friends. He was Satan's friend and the biggest jerk I've ever met. I don't know if he actually thought we were dating, there was confusion and drama. I dumped him after awhile. He was four years older than me.
20.Snuff- Tenth grade? I kissed him once. Idk.
21.That Wonderful Boy- Tenth grade. I actually did date him, everyone was convinced that he was in love with me. He was really good for me, and absolutely amazing. I still sometimes miss him, and I don't remember what happened between us. Sad Bunny.
22.A Boy I Still Talk To- Occasionally. Eleventh grade. We dated about a week, never really hung out. We were supposed to party together and stuff.
23.Another Random Boy- Eleventh grade. I met him on the internet, his family was nice. He was a nerd....He took me out to dinner, payed for everything, and was generally really nice. It lasted awhile.
24.Skater Boy #1- Eleventh grade. We flirted a lot for a couple of years, and I really liked him. Nothing ever happened. He was a year older than me.
25.Skater Boy #2- I liked him forever....We flirted a bit, and always planned to hang out. It never happened. He was a year older than me.
26.My Former Prince- Eleventh grade. He was adorable and awesome. We flirted a lot and stuff. He was the only boyfriend I ever had sex with. I let him break up with me, I don't remember how long it lasted. He was a year younger than me.
27.Trevor- Eleventh grade. I think I had sex with him crossfaded, thought I was pregnant. He was in his twenties, and idk.
28.That One Boy- Eleventh grade. I don't remember what I called him in this blog. He was so much fun, and so chill. I guess he really liked me. We dated for awhile, and never had an official break-up. He was two years older than me.
29.Travis- Eleventh grade. Yes, another Travis. We really liked each other, only hung out once and made out in a park. Idk what happened.
Well, maybe my lucky number is thirty, eh?
Happy weird, romantic, ridiculous holiday.
From the one and only,
Infamous Miss Fuck Bunny Badass Bombshell Bitch <333
Sunday, February 12, 2012
An Epiphany of Sorts
I never knew how many people loved me.
I guess maybe I needed to leave to realize this.
Maybe that's why I went along with the idea of moving.
Maybe I needed a reminder of why I love San Diego so much.
Because no matter where I went there were always people who wanted to chill, who were happy to see me.
There were so many lives that I guess I made a difference in.
So a few months away just could be worth it.
It just could be worth none of us taking each other for granted.
Btw I don't think I mentioned this, but I lost my cat about a month ago. And I cried for weeks, I miss you Arty Baby <3
I guess maybe I needed to leave to realize this.
Maybe that's why I went along with the idea of moving.
Maybe I needed a reminder of why I love San Diego so much.
Because no matter where I went there were always people who wanted to chill, who were happy to see me.
There were so many lives that I guess I made a difference in.
So a few months away just could be worth it.
It just could be worth none of us taking each other for granted.
Btw I don't think I mentioned this, but I lost my cat about a month ago. And I cried for weeks, I miss you Arty Baby <3
Bunny Bombshell Blew A Gasket
Je suis tres malade et je deteste ma vie quelquefois.
After all I am descended from Indo-European royalty, I don't feel very royal at the moment.
I cannot believe that I'm being subjected to all of this.
Really, my entire family owns mansions all over the world, and I live in a cabin in "middle of nowhere, arizona"....full of ignorant hicks and christian/mormon enthusiasts.
How on Earth did I end up here?
And quite honestly, when can I leave?
My life really can't get any worse at the moment...My Southern Boy asked me why I don't come home.
My question is why I left in the first place.
Why I ever thought this was a good idea....I don't know.
I just want to go back to Ocean Beach and forget this stupid town ever existed.
To think that if I had just gone to PL I would've had classes with my best friend, and been going to the beach every day.
Not to mention probably partying every weekend.
I would've had fun classes like AP Psychology, AP Literature, and Political Science....and no PE.
But now I'm stuck in stupid Weight Training and Choir....and I'm short on credits.
I'm like the epitome of a cliche California girl, I'm a girly, prissy princess; Weight Training and wilderness is NOT for me.
I was raised watching shows like Clueless, and saying things like "Oh, my God" or "Whatever, Loser"
I like shopping, and tanning on the beach.
This is burnt (and I know that burnt is burnt)
I so fucking hate it here.
(So much that my diction and syntax is all fucked up).
After all I am descended from Indo-European royalty, I don't feel very royal at the moment.
I cannot believe that I'm being subjected to all of this.
Really, my entire family owns mansions all over the world, and I live in a cabin in "middle of nowhere, arizona"....full of ignorant hicks and christian/mormon enthusiasts.
How on Earth did I end up here?
And quite honestly, when can I leave?
My life really can't get any worse at the moment...My Southern Boy asked me why I don't come home.
My question is why I left in the first place.
Why I ever thought this was a good idea....I don't know.
I just want to go back to Ocean Beach and forget this stupid town ever existed.
To think that if I had just gone to PL I would've had classes with my best friend, and been going to the beach every day.
Not to mention probably partying every weekend.
I would've had fun classes like AP Psychology, AP Literature, and Political Science....and no PE.
But now I'm stuck in stupid Weight Training and Choir....and I'm short on credits.
I'm like the epitome of a cliche California girl, I'm a girly, prissy princess; Weight Training and wilderness is NOT for me.
I was raised watching shows like Clueless, and saying things like "Oh, my God" or "Whatever, Loser"
I like shopping, and tanning on the beach.
This is burnt (and I know that burnt is burnt)
I so fucking hate it here.
(So much that my diction and syntax is all fucked up).
Once Upon Technicolor
I want an old Hollywood romance like Audrey Hepburn or Judy Holliday. Too bad that kind of thing never happens anymore, we never do get a wonderfully handsome, debonair man to sweep us, quite literally, off our feet. I want to wear darling dresses with kitten heels and little white gloves, and I want real romance.Some things just aren't meant to be, I guess.
It's just too bad though, I had always looked forward to that delightful fantasy.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Flip A Bitch
So there's scene kids here that look like Dahvie Vanity threw up on their head.
A lot of the people here are quite ignorant, and the radio stations here are so much worse than San Diego...I miss it with every fiber of my soul.
Maybe it's time to let go of the past.....
I hate being sick.
I hate when guys are dumb or oblivious.
I hate when The Jester or Kitty whine to me about stupid shit.
I hate when people complain, and then reject good advice.
I hate my own constant frustration with the world around me.
And I love Arizona peach iced tea and Cheetos when I'm high.
I love the beach.
I love dancing in public.
I love laughing for no reason.
I love comic books.
I love being full of mystery, living in the moment, adventures, and silliness.
And I have a love/hate relationship with romance, life, and poetry.
A lot of the people here are quite ignorant, and the radio stations here are so much worse than San Diego...I miss it with every fiber of my soul.
Maybe it's time to let go of the past.....
I hate being sick.
I hate when guys are dumb or oblivious.
I hate when The Jester or Kitty whine to me about stupid shit.
I hate when people complain, and then reject good advice.
I hate my own constant frustration with the world around me.
And I love Arizona peach iced tea and Cheetos when I'm high.
I love the beach.
I love dancing in public.
I love laughing for no reason.
I love comic books.
I love being full of mystery, living in the moment, adventures, and silliness.
And I have a love/hate relationship with romance, life, and poetry.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Thick as Thieves
I'm not sure how the Infamous Miss Bunny ended up here, I can't imagine myself back then; with my entourage, walking along the cracked sidewalks of Ocean Beach.
I'll claim the life I always wanted while I'm here, living in an 80's highschool movie (I feel like Molly Ringwald).
I'll live with the knowledge that I'm a fake. I feel like I've heard this all before, once upon a living nightmare....
The thing is I miss the cool sand between my toes as I'm watching the night sky.
I miss the hippies that play guitar on the wall.
I miss driving through Sunset Cliffs, and crashing peoples houses.
Walking the steep Point Loma hills high.
I miss the salty air, and the palm trees, the cloudless blue sky.
I miss doing bong loads on Satan's bed, and light shows, and the way I used to catch him staring at me.
I miss the Nature Preserve (all my spots are totally sketch now)
I miss pot brownies and drinking in Catwoman's sauna.
I miss school, and boys, and all my amazing friends.
I miss teaching Freshmen how to hit a pipe, and smoking out after school.
I miss my Gay Boy, and dancing in the street.
I miss our recklessness, and not giving a shit.
I miss my own craziness, and how I used to flirt when I was bored.
Like waltzing in the parking lot of The Jester's townhouse at one o'clock in the morning, or that joke about me always stripping in public.
I miss Kitty and our X-Men fanfiction....
I miss being a free spirit and living in the moment.
Walking across oncoming traffic, kissing by the koi pond, Cotija's, The Library, The Donut Shop, Voltaire St.
Those days when we couldn't even walk straight, scandalous and risque behaviour.....
Singing, skipping, nerdiness, silliness, weird things that we all decided to do.
Strip Black Jack, sitting on people's laps, nights full of freedom and afternoons full of sunshine.
I miss ditching sixth period to see Satan, and all of everyone's inside jokes.
The Pier, Lighthouse Ice Cream, The Java Hut, 91X, loitering.....
Oh, we used to loiter a lot, haha.
San Diego Harbor, Downtown, The Stumps parking lot, eccentricity....
Watching the sunset, hanging out with the skaters in the morning and watching them try not to bomb Zola St.
I miss the way long hippie skirts and grass under your feet feels while you're spinning around, and flip-flops.
I want my life back, the life that I already had.....
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Why?
Why don't I post about fashion or my awesome photography anymore?
Well, starting with my next post I will be doing nothing but fashion, photography, and all those wonderfully interesting things that I find in my daily life.
Love Always,
Bunny <3
Well, starting with my next post I will be doing nothing but fashion, photography, and all those wonderfully interesting things that I find in my daily life.
Love Always,
Bunny <3
Monday, February 6, 2012
In Retrospect
I never feel pretty or happy anymore, I feel old. I feel like I've aged a hundred years in six short months. The past is long gone, and my youth has been wasted.
I'll never get this moment back again, this moment has been wasted on agony. I'll never find peace in my life, I'll never rediscover the feeling of being in love. I will always be on the outskirts of reality, looking out at the world.
It's sad that I'll never find what I'm looking for in life, maybe I'm doomed to be unhappy.
I don't know, I guess I'm whining again....about things I can't change. But when every aspect of your life is crumbling and you stand helpless among the ruins of all the things that once meant something, what then?
What do you do, save for pouring out your heart to people that you don't even know?
....Or possibly to no one at all.
I'm not entirely sure that anyone reads this regularly, but really who would.
In the end I'm simply a little girl, an Alice or Lolita, along for the ride.
Living a reality built on the whims of people around her, a little girl in a terribly unforgiving world.
A girl who never really finished dealing with her own demons, so lost sometimes.
Carried away with the tide of the Pacific Ocean....carried away with ashes and imagery, forgotten with the passing of dreams and memories.
Time is my coffin, love is my regret, and my own senselessness is my demise.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Homesickness
This would happen to me....as soon as I leave san diego everyone decides that they want to hang out with me, Satan decides that we're friends, and I now feel the need to jump off a fucking cliff.
I had a dream last night, that I was in San Diego, in my own bed....but I woke up here, with all my belongings falling apart.
I had a dream last night, that I was in San Diego, in my own bed....but I woke up here, with all my belongings falling apart.
This is too much stress for me, and I want to go home.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Once Upon a Time
I don't know....
I couldn't be more sad.
I couldn't be more at a loss for words, or for figuring out the purpose of my life.
So far I've just been along for the ride, an accessory to the whims of others.
This is where my problem lies, but really what other choice have I had?
No parents, friends consumed by their own lives, and guys concerned with their own needs.
Who in this world is honestly on my side?
Certainly not parents, friends, or guys; who does that leave?
The government?
They couldn't care less about any of the populace, especially me.
I don't really contribute to the society that I'm living in.
I'm the spawn of dysfunction, enveloped within insanity.
The past haunts me, and the future scares me....
So really what now?
What do we have left to do, but to pray.
To whichever deity or spirit suits you, to hope for a better end.
Our beginning was chaos, destruction cradling reality.
We are all born and we shall someday die, and that is the simplest thing in life.
The difficulties begin when everyone has a conflicting view of reality, so we blind ourselves to it.
But ask yourself if your perception of reality is distorted.
We view our lives in a funhouse mirror, and I doubt that you answered that question honestly.
And this is what we learn?
That we're deceitful with ourselves, as well as with the entire world around us.
I want peace for myself, I want to find honesty within myself, I want a life that I chose.......
And this is what I've learned.
I couldn't be more sad.
I couldn't be more at a loss for words, or for figuring out the purpose of my life.
So far I've just been along for the ride, an accessory to the whims of others.
This is where my problem lies, but really what other choice have I had?
No parents, friends consumed by their own lives, and guys concerned with their own needs.
Who in this world is honestly on my side?
Certainly not parents, friends, or guys; who does that leave?
The government?
They couldn't care less about any of the populace, especially me.
I don't really contribute to the society that I'm living in.
I'm the spawn of dysfunction, enveloped within insanity.
The past haunts me, and the future scares me....
So really what now?
What do we have left to do, but to pray.
To whichever deity or spirit suits you, to hope for a better end.
Our beginning was chaos, destruction cradling reality.
We are all born and we shall someday die, and that is the simplest thing in life.
The difficulties begin when everyone has a conflicting view of reality, so we blind ourselves to it.
But ask yourself if your perception of reality is distorted.
We view our lives in a funhouse mirror, and I doubt that you answered that question honestly.
And this is what we learn?
That we're deceitful with ourselves, as well as with the entire world around us.
I want peace for myself, I want to find honesty within myself, I want a life that I chose.......
And this is what I've learned.
Just A Simple Update
I just want to go home to San Diego, but unfortunately I'm stuck here in the middle of nowhere for the next 5 months.
This place is complete with snow and a Super Walmart....
Satan is ignoring me now.
It's like you say something that he doesn't find interesting, so he just stops talking to you.
Well, at least it can only get better from here.
Maybe I'll be alright, but it won't be easy.
Everything is wrong right now, I just need to keep breathing.
This place is complete with snow and a Super Walmart....
Satan is ignoring me now.
It's like you say something that he doesn't find interesting, so he just stops talking to you.
Well, at least it can only get better from here.
Maybe I'll be alright, but it won't be easy.
Everything is wrong right now, I just need to keep breathing.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Virgin Margaritas In The Morning
I've been in arizona for less than an hour and I already want to go back to San Diego....I miss everything about it.
And Satan started talking to me again....
I never thought I'd see the day, I thought it was over for good.
I thought we'd never speak again, that we'd never see each other again; but maybe our destinies are intertwined.
We're so far away from each other now though, I wonder if his new found interest will last.
Then again this has been going on for years....
I mean really, almost four years?
This same scenario "over and over again 'til I'm blue in the face with a choking regret".....I still miss him, love him, would give anything to be with him.
So many things have passed since that night we met, when we watched the ocean and the stars.
I swear he loved me once....
I hope someday we find that again, until then we'll go back and forth between acquaintances and friends.....someday we'll remember and we'll figure it out.
And Satan started talking to me again....
I never thought I'd see the day, I thought it was over for good.
I thought we'd never speak again, that we'd never see each other again; but maybe our destinies are intertwined.
We're so far away from each other now though, I wonder if his new found interest will last.
Then again this has been going on for years....
I mean really, almost four years?
This same scenario "over and over again 'til I'm blue in the face with a choking regret".....I still miss him, love him, would give anything to be with him.
So many things have passed since that night we met, when we watched the ocean and the stars.
I swear he loved me once....
I hope someday we find that again, until then we'll go back and forth between acquaintances and friends.....someday we'll remember and we'll figure it out.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Boys....
I can't contain my frustration with guys in general.
They think girls send mixed signals?
I just want to find someone who shares my interests and who isn't
Consumed with pointless drama.
But every guy that I meet is either a jerk or can't make up his mind, it's absolutely terrible (and I've been complaining about this for years).
I'm never going to find anyone who's right for me, and I'm so lonely....
Remember when I used to always talk about Satan?
Well, we haven't spoken in god knows how long....I had a dream about him last night and I woke up to a facebook message from him.
This is strange.
I've been thinking about him a lot lately, but this is just really weird.
They think girls send mixed signals?
I just want to find someone who shares my interests and who isn't
Consumed with pointless drama.
But every guy that I meet is either a jerk or can't make up his mind, it's absolutely terrible (and I've been complaining about this for years).
I'm never going to find anyone who's right for me, and I'm so lonely....
Remember when I used to always talk about Satan?
Well, we haven't spoken in god knows how long....I had a dream about him last night and I woke up to a facebook message from him.
This is strange.
I've been thinking about him a lot lately, but this is just really weird.
Something Profound
So sometimes I'm silly, stupid, or simply wrong. And we all sometimes ask ourselves why we do things....but did you learn something from the decision you just made?
And are you happy in this one moment?
That's what I've realized is important, the things that make you smile for no particular reason....and those are the things that we live for.
And are you happy in this one moment?
That's what I've realized is important, the things that make you smile for no particular reason....and those are the things that we live for.
Sometimes we miss the past, but the future could be so much brighter. I want it to be brighter, and maybe it will be.
"I can't forget the past or imagine the future, I can't imagine my life without the people who changed it"
Sunday, January 29, 2012
A Last Day In The Land of Dreams
I can't wait to move into my own apartment this summer...living with other people is driving me crazy.
Well, it's 2 in the morning and I feel really hungover....
I just wish I could go make some food without waking anyone up, because I haven't had anything other than crackers since yesterday afternoon.....Actually I take that back, because it's 2 am I haven't eaten since the day before yesterday.
The world passes by so quickly, the evening air, the fumes of the ocean....I realize that I'll always long for the past, I'll always long for this place.The scents on the air, nostalgia in my heart.....and I remember now my long lost loves.
Friday, January 27, 2012
A Typical Night As of Late
Nights like these coffee is my only friend, the only light in this darkness is beaming off the television.
I'm too young for this, I'm supposed to be full of life.
But here it is, reality knocking on my door....
I'm too young for this, I'm supposed to be full of life.
But here it is, reality knocking on my door....
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Some Comments on My Mother
So I finally met my mom's new boyfriend. I knew him for an hour before he started trying to give me advice and tell me what to do.
He seems nice though, and smart....but just as crazy as my mom.
I think their personalities compliment each other.
My final word on the subject: I like him.
I don't think my mom could live with someone sane, he also seems like he really loves and cares about my mom.
Speaking of my mom, obviously our relationship is better now.
We never disagree or fight anymore, and he makes her happier than I've ever seen her.
They're good for each other, it's a great thing.
Good job, mom, on finally finding someone nice, intelligent, and laid back.
He seems nice though, and smart....but just as crazy as my mom.
I think their personalities compliment each other.
My final word on the subject: I like him.
I don't think my mom could live with someone sane, he also seems like he really loves and cares about my mom.
Speaking of my mom, obviously our relationship is better now.
We never disagree or fight anymore, and he makes her happier than I've ever seen her.
They're good for each other, it's a great thing.
Good job, mom, on finally finding someone nice, intelligent, and laid back.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The Scent of Salt on The Wind
I miss singing, I miss the way it feels like flying, you catch your heart smiling. It's better than being in love.
The notes strummed on the guitar.
It's a dream of mine to perform, but for the moment I sing to walls and empty rooms.
It's like that teenage dream, the movie moment when the boy falls in love with the girl because of the song she sings.
There's so much that I used to wish for, but the melody of my dreams floated away on the ocean breeze.
The notes scattered with the ashes of my poetry.
The curtain has fallen on the stage of a deserted theater.
And I cry for what I've lost, for the things that will never be again.
The notes strummed on the guitar.
It's a dream of mine to perform, but for the moment I sing to walls and empty rooms.
It's like that teenage dream, the movie moment when the boy falls in love with the girl because of the song she sings.
There's so much that I used to wish for, but the melody of my dreams floated away on the ocean breeze.
The notes scattered with the ashes of my poetry.
The curtain has fallen on the stage of a deserted theater.
And I cry for what I've lost, for the things that will never be again.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Some Bitterness With Your Breakfast?
It saddens me that even ex-druggie, 50 year old rockers who've never had a career in their life would give all their money to pay for their daughter to become a professional ballet dancer; and my parents wouldn't even keep me in school long enough to graduate.
I feel so bitter sometimes, so hopeless and lost.
But I guess that's normal in this day and age. This era of apathy, corruption, and a brainwashed population.
I feel so bitter sometimes, so hopeless and lost.
But I guess that's normal in this day and age. This era of apathy, corruption, and a brainwashed population.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The End For Now
Hi. I've been away for a long time.
I'm not really the same person I was when I left.
I'm disenchanted, sad...without spark or cleverness.
I can barely even spell anymore.
My brain rotted inside my head.
I couldn't have an intelligent conversation to save my life.
I miss what used to be....but I've lost so much.
And now come a difficult decision.
The decision to stop writing this blog until I can find my inspiration and my joy again.
Until my passion for the art of writing returns I have no reason to litter this metaphorical page with my thoughts.
The brilliance of my light is dying.
I'm not really the same person I was when I left.
I'm disenchanted, sad...without spark or cleverness.
I can barely even spell anymore.
My brain rotted inside my head.
I couldn't have an intelligent conversation to save my life.
I miss what used to be....but I've lost so much.
And now come a difficult decision.
The decision to stop writing this blog until I can find my inspiration and my joy again.
Until my passion for the art of writing returns I have no reason to litter this metaphorical page with my thoughts.
The brilliance of my light is dying.
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