Alice in Psycholand

The feeling you get when you want to end your life is fueled by the realisation that it's over.
I mean to say that you realise that there's no point anymore, because there's no happy ending at the end of the road.
You don't get to somehow manage to accomplish an impossible feat and then get rewarded.
Instead your life force slowly fades away until you're cold in a grave, or ashes to the wind.
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust", as they say.
And my brain just spins itself around into a grotesque mess, because nothing seems to be worth it anymore.
People have this notion that if they work hard things fall into place, the harder I work the more life shits on me.
And when you don't try, when I sit on my ass and smoke bowls, life STILL shits on me.
I'm ranting, and bawling my eyes out, I've had a migraine all day and I'm convinced that I'm Schizophrenic.
I'm clinically, chronically diagnosed with something called Major Depression.
Chemical imbalances and all that shit, chemicals.....
God doesn't exist, and if he did he would hate me.
I know this for a fact, because you can't look for some external force to save you.
You have to save yourself, or die trying.
Which should bring me back to suicide, I've failed a lot at a lot of different things....
Including suicide.
Not to say that I really wanted to kill myself before, I just wanted to spark change in my life, which at the time could only be done with some form of an extremity.
Now I've given up on change and everything else.
My mom is insane, I'm lonely, miserable, isolated (mostly due to my mother's insanity), I'm full of cliched teenage angst.
All wrapped up with a red ribbon and the ashes of poetry scattered on the grave of happiness in my heart.
It's all a terrible cliche, depression sparks my creativity.
Because by definition artists are Bipolar.
I'm simply just crazy, just simply crazy....and being crazy is quite simple.
You're so lonely that you talk to anything that will listen, mostly walls and hallucinations of actual people.
Sort of like imaginary friends.....
Your eating and sleeping patterns get fucked up.
You have extreme highs and lows, because you're trying to stabilize yourself.
Instead you end up crying hysterically for no reason and screaming all kinds of things that make no sense.
Then you ramble incoherently and everyone around you gets scared, because you won't get off the floor.
And then you throw things and kick things, and once you've worn yourself out you fall asleep....
Or you somehow calm yourself down and pretend that everything is alright.
So then you do drugs and drink to escape, you run away from yourself.
But guess who is always staring at you from the window or the bathroom mirror.
I remember those eyes, my eyes as a child.
And I can't relieve the feeling that there's still a little girl within me who never knew warmth
And I'm not saying that my mom doesn't love me or that she never hugged me.
(Although I am saying that about my dad)
I'm saying that I never knew what it was like to have a parent who was stable.
I've never had anything that was stable.
I'm saying that the world is cold, grey and frigid.
And everyone wonders why I smoke so much pot, why I'm irritable, moody, depressed....
Why it takes so much for me to maintain my grades, why I'm currently failing four classes.
And for that I'm "grounded", but I don't get grounded; I just can't go out.
Sometimes for no reason at all, at least this time she has a reason.
This is why it hurts so much, because I work my ass off for everything.
In the end I get screwed no matter what.
So I give up, if there's a knife to my throat....then may the blood pour.