Saturday- April 30

Ivy was always the corner stone to the terrible cliche of our lives. She took us to the pretty houses where random people that we know chill.
She was our portal into the world of a highschool movie. Of parents that blinded themselves to misbehaviors....to everything that I had always wanted.
I'm not supposed to be here, both literally and metaphorically. I was always a misfit, a spectator, a charity case....so the only one that I fit in with is the cat!
This place is strange. Because I've been here before. Some people feel betrayed or can't accept the future....but I must leave now, surrender to destiny.
We're sitting here, remembering the dead. But I wish there was somewhere peaceful for me to digest.
I used to go to my great grandmother and my grandmother's houses. I never remembered them til now. And throwing up onions at my dad's house. Computer games and
Courage The Cowardly Dog...and being home alone in a big house, when we lived with that egyptian guy who needed a roomate.
But I find it increasingly easy to be honest.
It might've made sense like forever ago, but now I really don't know.
We're somewhere really far away. So now I'm a victim to a terrible cliche.
What an end to a dream of a day. We've returned from suburbia unharmed.
And then I saw him. Satan, as if I was in a perfect dream and I'm pretty sure he spoke to me....I never thought I'd say that I really miss him so.

I Love You, But....

Kitty used to tell me that I say "I love you", instead of "I'm sorry".
This is pretty much true.
Today is April, 26, 2011.
Three years ago today is the day that I met Satan.
I find it ironic that he chose today as the day to have a somewhat civil conversation with me (after being a complete ass recently), I doubt he remembers the significance of this day though.
I've been trying to write for days, I just can't.
I was thinking about my grandmother earlier, and I was thinking about all the years that have passed.
All these random details just float around in my head, but my memories never have been linear.
I couldn't stop crying earlier, I have no idea why.
Suddenly I just couldn't choke back my tears.
I always get depressed around my birthday though, it just happens.
And I've already been so depressed lately.
I'm also failing basically all my classes, there's no reason for that either.
There was a time when I always made my presence known because I wanted to play a part in this world, I don't anymore.
No one even hears me speak anymore; it's not because I'm not speaking, it's because no one is listening.
There used to be a time when I would've cared, not so much now.
I hardly ever even have the energy to express anything, I make all these concious decisions to give cookie-cutter answers and even to just not say anything at all.
A year ago I would've never done that, not ever in my life have I been content to sit quietly.
It's as if I simply have no energy to be anything or do anything, or even want anything.
I don't exist, and I'm pretty sure the world behind the glass is an illusion too.

Mental Disorders

"For example, depressed people behave in negative ways toward their room mates, thus causing these room mates to reject them." -Wikipedia
Self-Verification Theory.
I think that this is true of Satan, infact I wrote something similar to this statement about him years ago.
It's funny how I'm usually dead-on when it comes to people.
Kitty had a similar problem with her Confirmation Bias, she'd always do something similar to fishing for compliments; but it was really her attempt at getting people to confirm what she believes about herself.
This was a product of her self-proclaimed low self-esteem.
She directs the bias towards me too, claiming that she knows me so well that anything I say about myself is immediately wrong.
My mother is like this too, anything you say about the world is wrong unless it agrees with her opinions on the world.
It's so bad that it could be considered delusionary.
I'm also convinced that she has Anxiety Neurosis, but I'm not a doctor (just a teenager with an internet connection and nothing better to do, other than homework).
I believe that most people have something that could technically be considered a mental disorder, just some people are better at hiding it.
I suffer from Nihilistic Delusions and Depressive Neurosis (it really seems that way).

Clean My Head Up, Doc

I'm not sure where to start.
On a sunny day in April, drinking strawberry soda and doing everything on a whim?
That seems like a good place to start.
I like weed and fwench fries and strawbewwy soda.
My Southern Boy confessed his love for me last night, I don't know what to say.
I kinda had a feeling.
Catwoman, I found out, is just having a bout of depression (normal for people with high IQs).
I smoked with Snuff and Ms. Frost today, she was trippin so bad.
I never manage to get that high anymore, but it was pretty funny.
We saw Satan, and he was a jerk, as always.
Erm, I realised how many times I've walked down the same streets with various different people and often times alone.
It's over, all these past-times are coming to an end.
I was painfully aware of this while talking to some of the Freshmen.
I said, "We just got back from the Nature Preserve near (insert street here)."
All the Freshmen around replied, "Oh, you mean Green Street, you must be high."
Oh, Lord, they took over our spot and all act so informed.
They even came up with a new name, I feel old and disconnected.
Like, "Back in my day we called it the Nature Preserve, all you whipper-snappers"
Seriously.
Anyway, I have all this anxiety about all these random insignificant things.
I think it has to do with growing up around my mom, like I'm scared to step foot outside my door now.
And I've been having flashbacks of things that I haven't thought about since I was like five (gotta love marijuana)
And lastly, Snuff doesn't have any feelings for me beyond friendship.
I should've known, but now I know for sure (The Shadow King asked him).

In My Fucking Arrogant Opinion

Dude, I'm always so high.....

Ms. Frost said that she's giving up on Satan.

She was talking with one of his friends and I gave them an accurate psychoanalysis of Satan, his friend's response: "You hit the nail on the head."

I'm sure I did.

My step-dad was spying on me today (he does that sometimes), and I could see his car the entire time.

My criminal observation skills are getting better.

Anyway, I think I'm actually going to try to do my homework tonight.

Catwoman still seems distant, and My Former Prince seems like he still has feelings for me.

But I suppose all of this is pretty irrelevant.

I just started reading Daughter of Fortune (I forgot the author), so far it's interesting.

I also have been meaning to write something about this, but I recently watched The Memory Keeper's Daughter; it wasn't nearly as good as the book.
I'm also currently listening to Martyr of The Free World by Epica, it's a good song and generally a good band (gotta love Pandora radio)
Most of my time recently has been based in both birthday and 420 preparations.
I really wish I could go see Snoop Dogg downtown at the Sticky Icky-whatever it is (420 celebration), I bet they're gonna be smoking some good shit down there.
My step-dad got me a sick poster for it from the Dispensary.
Erm, yeah, my brain is pretty much on auto-pilot right now, so I'm going to go do AP History homework, wish me luck (it might be my last chance to pass the class).

Sick of this Shit

So there was a catastrophe at my house today, one of my family's infamous fights.

My mom told me to call the cops, but I couldn't do it.

In my mind cops are bad, they precede things like cps visits and domestic violence charges.

My mom hates me now, but I'm too selfish and cowardly to kill myself.

But something tells me that I'm directly responsible for all this chaos, even if I wasn't around when the argument started.

Today brought back memories of my childhood, of my mom lying on the floor crying and her high-pitched screams, her violent nature.

But back then she didn't have a husband to blame it all on.

And yet again there's a hole in my door, it seems like we can't live in a place without putting a hole in one of the walls, it's not ours until there is.

And they throw things and I'm so used to this that it's scary.

I'm in one of my bouts of depression, which makes all of this feel like a nightmare that I'm about to wake up from.

And my psychosis makes me childish, so I'm not sure that I should be making judgements about things; but my mom never thinks that her actions will make a direct impact on the world around her.

I just hope this all blows over, because I hate conflict

Here In The City, That God Blessed Repeatedly

You don't breathe in air on a day like this, you inhale the sun's warmth. You take it into your lungs and it warms you like wine.
So I saw Helena today, I miss her, she was always so chill and nice.
She also has started smoking pot, which makes me laugh.
I hung out with Snuff and Ms. Frost today, and we had fun in a play fight.
It made me feel like I had the siblings that I've always longed for.
And it still seems like Snuff has a thing for me.
Catwoman has seemed distant lately and I can't help but wonder why.
I finished my book today and went to get more, I'm excited to read this weekend.
I convinced our Biology teacher to let us have class outside today, it was wonderful.
The weather this time of year is so pretty, but last year the weather was terribly grey.
I'm so glad that the weather is better now.
I love the sunlight and wearing tank tops every day, it's so amazing and instantly cures my depression.
In French class today we watched a movie about a Swiss girl in Algeria, it was so interesting.
Not much else has been going on, most of my time recently has been devoted to raising my grades.

The Impression That I Get

I hate being distracted.
So today was warm and sunny, with a gentle breeze.
It was the perfect day to lay in the grass and watch the clouds, but there are no clouds; not in San Diego, not at this time of the year.
The sky is a vibrant blue, all the flowers are in bloom, the birds are singing; it's like a fantasy land.
Today reminded me of afternoons that I remember from days so far in the past; but now that I spend the majority of my time alone, I tend to miss any semblance of the past.
I have to be blunt, it fucking sucked to go to class.
Especially math, you climb up the concrete steps of the oldest building in the school (built circa 1925), it's been rebuilt and looks like an institution.
The entire school looks like an institution, a lot of the classrooms have no windows, the library is literally a dungeon (part of it is built underground).
Imagine a goblin living in a hobbit hole, that's the library; and I'm pretty sure they haven't updated their actual book collection since the 1990's.
The building that I take math in is located at the back of the school, there are winding linoleum steps inside; but my class is on the first floor.
I moved down a dim, cold, grey hallway to a gunmetal door with a small square window.
And there I spend almost an hour staring out the window of one of the only buildings on campus that actually has windows.
I really hate being stuck inside.
My thoughts just run rampant all over the place, it's really difficult to reign them in.
All day Ms. Frost has been coming up to me with problems relating to Satan, am I the only one around who can sympathize?
I suppose if you think about it, I am.
I haven't graduated or failed so bad that I went to charter, so I guess.
Me, I'm just a bystander in life.
Standing outside this little circle of light cast by reality, I occasionally touch it; yet I slip away like a shadow into the darkness beyond the edges of time.
Anyway, erm, well, *gag* I have like so much energy hahahaha, I'm only poking fun....at everything.
At the world, in their comfortable little pool of light, they don't even see beyond the horizon line.
I'm laughing at my own generation, with their bad spelling and illiteracy.
Nobody knows anything these days.
Oh so at the Library (our after-school hangout spot), I had a few interesting moments.
I have this friend who I think has a thing for me, I'm going to call him Snuff (because he always chews tobacco).
He's always following me, and today I was observing his body language while he was with me.
I always roll his cigarettes for him, so while we were walking around looking for a place to sit I started running away playfully.
He chased me and caught me in his arms like it was some cheesy romantic comedy.
We got kicked off the back steps of the church, so I didn't have time to roll properly.
He asked Satan for a lighter, Satan lighted it and was making remarks about my crappy rolling.
I suddenly found myself trying to defend myself with a half-baked explanation.
I don't understand why I care enough to explain myself to him, nevertheless it's always been like this.
While Snuff and I were smoking I was observing his body language.
I was thinking about a Sociology article I was reading about flirting.
He was mirroring my movements unconsciously, moving closer to me (also unconscious), brushing things out of my hair.
*sigh*
He also texts me every single day, only about an half an hour after we last saw each other.
I ran my thoughts by Catwoman later, she said she had been thinking the same thing.
Also while I was there a Former Flirting Buddy of mine happened to take up interest in me again.
I feel like Daisy Miller, an incurable flirt.
I've always admired Daisy though, she really knew how to live in the moment.
How to be happy, have fun; It's what I've always striven to be.
So I'm wearing a green dress in 1502 ;)

The Radio Airwaves Gave Me a Lobotomy

I always get poetry stuck in my head, and I have this weird pain in my right eye; I'm kinda concerned.
So Ms. Frost is being super uber duper nice to me, I think she's trying to atone for having strong feelings for Satan.
I really don't mind though, I mean it hurts; but I've learned to keep my emotions pretty much completely in check.
I'm finally done with most of the school work that I've been doing in order to raise my grades, and I've just been chilling today.
Listening to punk music and taking pictures of anything interesting.
I have this half-formed notion of starting a ska band, wish I could.
Anyway, I hate being stuck inside on a pretty day like this (luckily lately the weather has been nice).
420 is next week, lol.
And my birthday is in two weeks, I'll be seventeen.
This isn't where I imagined myself at seventeen years old; lonely, jaded, neurotic, psychotic, cynical.....
I'm reading a good book, it's called A Separate Peace (I can't put it down).
I keep jumping from subject to subject, but my thoughts won't stay linear.
I suppose that I probably have something better to do, and I'm sure that I had something better to write about.
But I'm severely brain dead at this interval on the timeline of life.
Speaking of Timeline, it's a great movie; watch it.

Blue In The Face

So I changed the template of this blog (I almost used orange, but it hurt my eyes), I figured that it needed more colours.
Anyway it says, "Battery-Minor Injury, Suspension," on my school records for Freshman year.
It also says, "Alcohol-Controlled Substance Possession/Use, Suspension," for Sophmore year.
And it says, "Perpetrator" on both.
Anyway, today has been eventful.
First off I just want to say that my parents are so stressful that it's hard to do anything once I get home.
Pretty much all I want to do when I get home is sit around and cry.
Okay, now that I've said that.....
This morning Ms. Frost asked me if I still had feelings for Satan, a million memories flashed through my mind.
"I'll always love him, but no, not really anymore"
This is true (mostly).
I've always been the one trying to set him up with my friends, because I wanted him to be happy, to feel loved.
Later in the day she asked me again, actually she literally sat me down and had an entire twenty minute or so conversation.
I reiterated key points over and over again, giving her advice about his personality and my own blunders.
Ivy told me that Satan would fuck and dump Ms. Frost, I know this to be false; or at least I hope it is, I hope he hasn't changed that much from the boy I've always known
My Former Prince spoke the first words to me since our break-up today.
A Certain Boy also came to see me today, and I missed him a lot.
He's always been there for me through everything, finally one of my teachers told me that she thought he loved me.
Probably true considering the past, he was good for me like no other boy ever was.
After school I babysat some high Freshmen, rolled cigarettes for a few of my friends, and provided a little counseling on matters of the heart.
When I told The Shadow King that I was going to leave things alone he told me that I was mature, I've heard that line before.
When Ms. Frost asked me for advice I remembered all the other girls that had liked him, and how they had all come to me for advice, I've heard that same damn story so many times that my ears might just bleed.
I'm not really mature and I don't think that I should be the person that everyone comes to when they have problems with Satan.
I also saw My Southern Boy after school, he was hanging out with Satan; and when I went to say hi, he said that he didn't want to get in the middle "of this".
Of what?
Of Satan and me, but there is no middle of anything between us; because there is nothing between us.
My Southern Boy doesn't understand that Satan and I have an unspoken agreement that he can mess with me and I can just smile and occasionally swear at him.
And this same thing has been happening for almost four long years.
Our bickering like a married couple, and My Southern Boy's inability to ever act like we're friends when we're around him, despite how much he claims to love me.
I suppose this should assuage my fears that everyone is leaving and everything will change, because some people and places inevitably stay the same.
So many people have left and come back, and they've stayed relatively the same.
Anyway I had a very interesting political discussion with a Republican in my Biology class, he definitely had some interesting points and it was nice to finally hear something different (in a city of liberals).
Between Anything and Nothing there's always Something.
And well, my head might be wound up so tight that it's screwed on backwards, and I'm pretty sure that only made sense to me.

I'm Only Happy When It Rains

I'm so exhausted, ugh....
Um, well, I just registered for my SAT/ACT, lots of forms.
Anyway, school is, as always, mind-numbing.
My cat is still adorable. <3
And, well, so, I guess it's like this.....
Satan walked up to me and handed me an empty paper prescription bag, and said, "Here, there's a little weed in the bottom."
He thinks I'm legitimately dumb (I tend to play dumb and emotional a lot).
Well, I can be emotional sometimes, and I suppose I can be dumb too; but not the way he thinks of me.
So, I declined, saying that I can get free weed anyway and I continued doing what I was doing before.
Later he came and sat down next to me and asked for a cigarette, I roll my own, so I handed him the tobacco pouch.
He said I was sketch and walked off, I told him Ms. Frost might have one and he ran to meet her.
I'm not sure if she gave it to him, but the story proves my point.
Speaking of Ms. Frost, she got high for the first time today and I just have to say how amusing it was to watch.
Back to my point, I'll always love him, there will always be that space in my heart that cares about him.
My heart will probably always flutter when he so much as looks at me, and that's fine.
I can love him, but I shouldn't hurt myself in the process.
I always used to go out of my way to help him in any way that I could, but it's so silly.
Today also proves that he's still looking for random reasons to talk to me, still looks at me with that same regret.
And what if it had been different?
You can't waste your life on a "What if?" scenario.
I couldn't help but think to myself, "He lost weight, he looks good, I really miss him."
But every time I pass by his house I miss him, I remember everything and I feel a little longing for something long gone.
Unfortunately I pass by his house a lot, because Catwoman lives down the street from him.
I wrote a forty page story about him, really it was for him; in hopes that someday I'd get a last little bit of courage and go leave it on his doorstep.
I wrote him more letters than I can count and burned about half of them.
Now that everyone is moving on with their lives and growing up, I still seem to be clinging to the past.
I feel more lonely that I've been in years, I don't remember it hurting this much.
It's probably always hurt this much.....
I still don't sleep, I don't remember ever sleeping; even when I was a kid, my sleeping patterns were always weird.
What I'm trying to say is that I've always been like this, I always will be; I don't care anymore.
Thank you, fuck you.
IDGAF today and for the rest of my life.
Take care of yourself, fuck everyone who fucks you over, and other than that give as much love to the world as you have for yourself.

It's Good to Be Writing Again

So the goal is to make it out alive and somewhat functional, harder than it sounds....

Anyway, yesterday:

I went to The Jester's house and smoked with Catwoman and My Southern Boy.

We were all beyond high, we were like hippies on a mission.

Our mission was to find fun things to do all day.

Catwoman was on shrooms and we all just wandered aimlessly around Ocean Beach.

We had fun in all the shops, talking about quantum theory and culture, we even walked all the way to the end of the pier (it's the longest pier on the West Coast).

Anyway, I came home and ate a pot cookie, and into an alternate universe I travelled.

I'm not even sure what happened, but I'm pretty sure that I cried.
The cookie gave me so much energy that I couldn't sleep, and I went so crazy with this big breakdown.

I was crying about the past, I guess.

I was crying about growing up and running out of time to have fun.

Because now I have all these responsibilities, because everyone is moving on with their lives; and I ran out of time.

So now on a completely different note, I love my new kitty.

His name is Artemis and he is absolutely adorable.

He's a Norwegian Forest Cat, in Norse mythology they were the companions to the goddess, Freya.

I love how smart and fluffy he is, and he follows me everywhere.

He has amazing green eyes, and I can't even begin to say how happy I am.

Last Night

I'm so much smarter, more in-tune with the world around me when there's too much Sativa in my system.
Like I see that everything in this country has the sole purpose of selling people, like even things that were once sacred (such as underground punk music in the 80s) are capitalized on by mass media.
That's terrible, we have a world built on lies of the people pulling the strings.
And so we all play right into the hands of the person in charge.
Like censuses are part of the system?
I'm too high to think right now, headache....I'm not a genius, just insane.

Religulous

I hate to think of myself standing in a cemetery wearing vintage sunglasses and a veil made of polyester spiderwebs.

That's another odd statement to add to my collection, up on my wall with all my eccentricities; instead of the degrees that someone should display.

I'm not old enough for degrees, I'm playing dress-up in other people's realities; pretending to be some great intellectual.

Nuff said.

Now about religion (interesting documentary, I recommend it; although I don't have the authority to recommend anything).

In the film Bill Maher (renowned comedian) travels around the world asking questions about religion.

Throughout the film he tries to prove how ridiculous religion can be.

Parts of the film I disliked or didn't agree with, such as religion being completely unfounded.

He didn't focus much on Eastern religion, the primary focus of the first half of the movie were different sects of Christianity.

The rest of the movie dealt with Islam and Judaism, with a small part about the Church of Cannabis in the Netherlands.
It was interesting, however I disagree with his view that Islam is a purely violent religion; if you study it, you realise that it's mostly just people who twist it into something violent.
I also disliked that he left out Paganism, Buddhism, Hinduism, anything other than the three monotheistic religions.
Though he makes a few references to ancient Gods from various parts of the world.
At one point we even get to see Bill Maher smoke a joint in Amsterdam.

I learned a lot from the film, especially about Muslims in the Netherlands and beliefs of the Mormon Church.

There are many interesting people who are interviewed for the movie, such as a Puerto Rican man claiming to be the second coming of Jesus Christ.

Gay men, Scientists, a former Satanic Priest are a few of the people interviewed.

So go watch it, Bill Maher adds his humour through the entire movie; I laughed a lot, I promise you'll enjoy it (and hopefully learn something).

Fun fact: 93% of Scientists are Atheist or Agnostic.

Melancholia

"Ego strengths [in Freudian psychology] include the capacities to control oral, sexual, and destructive impulses; to tolerate painful affects without falling apart; and to prevent the eruption into consciousness of bizarre symbolic fantasy." -Wikipedia
Um, I think I have objects relations problems....
You know what's scary?
I have all the symptoms of Schizophrenia and most of the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder.
So I have some form of Psychosis or a Manic-Depressive Illness......
That would explain a lot.
Isn't it said that crazy people don't know that they're crazy?
So maybe I'm safe.
I can't pretend that things haven't changed, that after Friday everything is going to remain stagnant.
My Nightmare Before Christmas calendar is still stuck on March, hanging behind the door on my wall.
And although nothing astounding happened on Friday, I can believe that things will be tense and uncomfortable in art class (though I can't say I've learned much about actual art in that class anyway).
I can't pretend that I didn't learn something valuable within my fiasco in the school office, I felt like I was getting suspended again.
All this for getting my phone taken away, for a mostly illegitimate reason.
But there is something to be said about losing to the system, you simply must be that much smarter.
So I must be more cunning, skillful, manipulative.....
You will either always lose to the system or you will outsmart it.
There ceases to be any other options, because they want the smart ones on their side.
They are brainwashing us to achieve that, and I won't play into it this time.
And never again will I ever answer to anyone, so it begins.

Hypocrisy

Not just a European Death Metal band anymore.
Ladies and Gentlemen hypocrisy is all around us!
And currently in the form of people who want to be your best friend just to call you six times a day and complain about their own miserable lives.
I'm serious, no exaggeration.
This is NOT a joke.
Kitty called me six times to complain about various guys and about getting drunk and crying at her birthday party.
She is as always on a quest for sympathy and an outlet to make herself feel better.
I had forgotten certain aspects of her personality, now that she lives an hour drive, instead of a ten minute walk away.
Kitty, someone who I love a lot, who also fishes constantly for compliments, whines incessantly, and works very hard to make others feel dumb, silly, inferior....well, you understand where I'm going with this.
Everything I say is apparently wrong and misinformed.
I happen to know that I am very well informed.
She takes things that are fact and simply dismisses them, paired with her childlike tantrums is ridiculous and quite frustrating.
I shouldn't complain, because my complaints are hypocrisy.
And I could use the slightly immature argument that she is the more hypocritical of the pair, but I will try to shy away from such juvenile allegations.
She states openly that she "knows me better than I know myself."
She likes to think so, she likes to think she knows everything about the entire world and everyone in it.
I'm ranting aren't I?
I'm frustrated to the point that there's smoke rising from my brain, we might as well scramble it and serve it with toast.
One o'clock in the morning.....
Oh, Lord, you really shouldn't let frustrations from the past rise out of every available opportunity, it isn't healthy.
No wonder I'm quite insane.

Lolita Dresses

A La Mode Dress

 Lolita dresses are popular in Japanese street fashion. They are generally frilly, short, and worn with bonnets or over-sized  hair bows. Lolita dresses often display characteristics of Victorian and French Rococo fashion. Here are some examples of Lolita dresses.
Often dresses are printed with cakes, candy, strawberries, and other sweets. This represents a kind of fantasy lifestyle, as shown in the Japanese film Kamikaze Girls (a great movie if you ever get the chance to watch it).
Gothic Lolita is the other end of Lolita fashion, darker with more elements of classic Gothic fashion. Although there are still lots of frills, Gothic Lolita shows an obsession with vampires and mini top hats.

Gothic Lolita Dress

 Lolita fashion in general has the sole purpose of being cute and girly, mostly for girls who never want to grow up.

Gothic Yukata

Rococo Style Dress

Victorian Lolita Dress

Darkly Gothic Poetry For Your Enjoyment

Gothic poetry used to be my primary employment; although my angst has somewhat subsided, I still occasionally take pleasure in the sorrowful, horrific world of darkness that is Gothic culture.
For you, go create your own, it's highly amusing: http://www.deadlounge.com/poetry/created.html

Alice in Psycholand

The feeling you get when you want to end your life is fueled by the realisation that it's over.
I mean to say that you realise that there's no point anymore, because there's no happy ending at the end of the road.
You don't get to somehow manage to accomplish an impossible feat and then get rewarded.
Instead your life force slowly fades away until you're cold in a grave, or ashes to the wind.
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust", as they say.
And my brain just spins itself around into a grotesque mess, because nothing seems to be worth it anymore.
People have this notion that if they work hard things fall into place, the harder I work the more life shits on me.
And when you don't try, when I sit on my ass and smoke bowls, life STILL shits on me.
I'm ranting, and bawling my eyes out, I've had a migraine all day and I'm convinced that I'm Schizophrenic.
I'm clinically, chronically diagnosed with something called Major Depression.
Chemical imbalances and all that shit, chemicals.....
God doesn't exist, and if he did he would hate me.
I know this for a fact, because you can't look for some external force to save you.
You have to save yourself, or die trying.
Which should bring me back to suicide, I've failed a lot at a lot of different things....
Including suicide.
Not to say that I really wanted to kill myself before, I just wanted to spark change in my life, which at the time could only be done with some form of an extremity.
Now I've given up on change and everything else.
My mom is insane, I'm lonely, miserable, isolated (mostly due to my mother's insanity), I'm full of cliched teenage angst.
All wrapped up with a red ribbon and the ashes of poetry scattered on the grave of happiness in my heart.
It's all a terrible cliche, depression sparks my creativity.
Because by definition artists are Bipolar.
I'm simply just crazy, just simply crazy....and being crazy is quite simple.
You're so lonely that you talk to anything that will listen, mostly walls and hallucinations of actual people.
Sort of like imaginary friends.....
Your eating and sleeping patterns get fucked up.
You have extreme highs and lows, because you're trying to stabilize yourself.
Instead you end up crying hysterically for no reason and screaming all kinds of things that make no sense.
Then you ramble incoherently and everyone around you gets scared, because you won't get off the floor.
And then you throw things and kick things, and once you've worn yourself out you fall asleep....
Or you somehow calm yourself down and pretend that everything is alright.
So then you do drugs and drink to escape, you run away from yourself.
But guess who is always staring at you from the window or the bathroom mirror.
I remember those eyes, my eyes as a child.
And I can't relieve the feeling that there's still a little girl within me who never knew warmth
And I'm not saying that my mom doesn't love me or that she never hugged me.
(Although I am saying that about my dad)
I'm saying that I never knew what it was like to have a parent who was stable.
I've never had anything that was stable.
I'm saying that the world is cold, grey and frigid.
And everyone wonders why I smoke so much pot, why I'm irritable, moody, depressed....
Why it takes so much for me to maintain my grades, why I'm currently failing four classes.
And for that I'm "grounded", but I don't get grounded; I just can't go out.
Sometimes for no reason at all, at least this time she has a reason.
This is why it hurts so much, because I work my ass off for everything.
In the end I get screwed no matter what.
So I give up, if there's a knife to my throat....then may the blood pour.

Getty Museum

I recently went to the Getty Museum in Los Angeles, I highly recommend it. The grounds were lovely, the art work is wonderful, they have great exhibits, Rococo furniture, illuminated manuscripts, and it's free every day. I'd like to also mention that you can see all of LA from the top of the museum.

Upon arriving at the museum you travel by a tram up to the actual museum. The architecture is very modern, but housed within these modern building is historic artwork, artifacts, furniture, etc.
The building are divided into East, West, North, and South. The East Pavilion is home to some paintings, sculptures and decorative arts from 1600-1800. The West Pavilion is where all the art from after 1800 is located, such as photography, impressionism, and changing exhibits. The North Pavilion contains art before 1700, this would be the illuminated manuscripts and also paintings from the middle ages. The South Pavilion is my favorite building, it holds paintings and decorative art from 1600-1800, including Rococo furniture and a golden, mirrored Neoclassical room. I've seen quite a few exhibits at the museum, among them was an exhibit on photographs of trees, Germanic sculptures, and China in the past and present. You can take the elevator in the West Pavilion to the roof and it overlooks all of LA. It's very beautiful if you go when the weather is nice. If you take the stairs all the way down to the grounds you can see the garden. The garden is comprised of lovely, colourful flowers, garden arches, and a labyrinth of shrubbery surrounded by water. Although the Getty not as big as some museums (such as the Huntington in Pasadena, another amazing museum), it is a great experience. The museum is family oriented, with activities are kids. However you can't escape the astonishingly high prices in the cafes and gift shops, but that's common to most museums. If you're ever in Los Angeles then take a day to go stimulate your aesthetic senses.

Dance Into Daybreak

I've slept about five hours, I fell asleep at three am.
I've decided that I'm going to enjoy my depression this time.
I'm going to enjoy every bout of insomnia, my stress levels rising through the roof, every minute of my melancholy.
This probably sounds odd, but at this point I don't know what else to do.
I might as well wallow in the silent revolution growing in the abyss of my mind.
I think it's born of sunlight, because I'm going to climb out of the chasm on the wings of a dragon.
The sun is so pretty....I love California.
It's taken me all day to write this, the sky is grey now.
I'm gonna probably hate art class for the rest of the year.
So it's Spring Break, and Catwoman and I are gonna do shrooms.
I'm a little scared, but maybe I can fall into a rabbit hole.
I love the idea of alternate realities, parallel dimensions, lucid dreams.....
Anyway, I came up with this yesterday:
Lies are Fluid
Love is Fickle
Life is Finite

Everything Suddenly Makes Sense

This week has sucked....
I've been dumped, blamed, humiliated.....
Well, I wanted to break up, but I felt too bad about it; so I'm glad that he did it instead.
I cared about him, but we weren't a good match.
I feel like being dumped should hurt more, but I've tried so hard to numb myself to any emotional pain.
And Satan asked me for a lighter the other day; when I said I didn't have one, he replied, "You failed me, you always fail me"
He was  kinda sweet to me a couple of days before that, but I don't even want to go there.
Anyway, my phone was confiscated today, because I texted my suicidal friend "happy birthday"
It was confiscated by the art teacher, for "wasting precious art class time" and apparently it was because "we've had two incidents in two days" and he was "trying to teach me a lesson"
(he almost kicked me out for talking about marijuana the other day)
I hate when authority figures do that.
And then they called my mom and told her what happened.
I was bawling my eyes out, and adults in the office had the nerve to laugh at me.
Luckily Catwoman stood up for me.....
My English teacher was helpful too.
But it still set my progress with my mom back almost two months (I'm trying to rebuild our relationship).
I just thought it was a minor injustice on the scale of injustices committed by the system.
How are we supposed to flourish in an environment that's so stifling?
To make matters worse I saw the nurse, my English teacher from Freshmen and Sophmore year, and the Principal while I was crying and standing there with my mom.
It was mortifying.
The Principal reiterated the talk we had, and my mom looked upset.
Hell, my mom was upset....it took me approximately three hours to convince her that I'm not a complete failure.
So screw all those people who think that I'm a "problem child", I know what I am and I'm not ashamed.
They can shove their pompous, sanctimonious opinions up their....well, you know.....