All Hallows' Eve

So guess who Satan's girlfriend is dressed up as...

Harley.....of course.

When I was 17 the first picture I ever sent from my new blackberry was to Satan, it was a picture of me dressed as Harley Quinn.

Ironically enough, earlier this year we talked about me cosplaying her...it came up randomly in conversation.

Also Leo is an asshole......

I really am gonna become one of those lesbians who hate men, aren't I?

Please kill me now...I need to stop being lazy and get everyone's phone numbers from Facebook, so I can delete it and just fall off the fucking face of the planet.

I'm cursed, I have terrible fucking luck...because everything I ever try to do goes wrong.

The Jester and I decided that everytime I cry I'm birthing little baby antichrists.

Maybe this is my descent into genuine lunacy.

I know I'm acting crazy.

Please don't tell me.

I'm completely aware that I'm starting to go over the edge.

Some days I wonder why I even bother trying to find my way out of the chaos.

There's a Halloween update and similarly themed Insta-post coming tomorrow.

Plus more lamenting about how Leo doesn't give a fuck about me, please stay tuned/

For now enjoy my crazy.

Update From Hell

I'm so mad....

Because Leo texts me "good morning" every day now; yes, he finally texts me first.

"Too little, too late."

Why is it that now that I'm trying to get over him he shows interest?!

And when I don't respond, he messages me again. Hah!

"I don't fucking care anymore..."

You know a funny thing?

If "day after" pills were cheaper Ivy wouldn't be about to have a baby right now....

I'm really high.

Every woman understands 'Sex and The City' it doesn't matter who they are.

It's one thing that I can't help but love.

Why is it that one guy I loved moved on because I waited too long and the other one just flat out never had feelings for me?

No more hippie OBceans, I'll never date another person from OB.

I need to get the fuck outta this town.

Reasons you should excercise self-control and quit talking to that person: because you should excercise self-control and quit talking to them.

Besides, I think he got himself a new girl (I'm not spying, just observant)

But he added some girl to his friends list and she's been liking all his pictures.

Also he's been constantly on Facebook but hasn't been posting anything because everytime I go to send him a message (and usually manage to stop myself) he's active.

Nobody in their right mind spends that much time absentmindedly scrolling through their feed.

Which is part of the reason I'm deleting it.

All his friends are on my feed, I'm tired of thinking about him and his friends.

I don't even want to be reminded of it...

And all the stupid people I went to highschool with are on there too.

I want to fall off the face of the earth right now.

It's just one of those days when I hate everything and everyone.

I'm so unhappy.

I can't handle relationships, I thought that with the right person it'd be okay...but I'm not sure a person exists in this world who can handle all the aspects of my personality.

Maybe I need to go find myself....

Insta-Post of The Day ☽♡☾

This lovely lady gets two posts because everything about these pictures is perfect. What caught my eye is her hair color, and my favorite thing is her fluffy kitty ears.

And the second post of the day is Olivia, who I found on Lookbook quite a few years ago. One thing I can say about her is that her style is always on point, and always feels a bit pagan goth...very mystical. I love how witchy this picture is.

Already Rolling In My Grave

"I'm gonna get my life together," I say, as I sit here with an ounce of weed.

*sigh*

Can we just #stonerproblems

Does anyone remember that one website???

What was it?

ThatHigh.com

Real thing right there, that was highschool for me.

Not that much ever really changes...

The only time I ever thought I was gonna quit for good is after Mister J went into rehab.

But like clockwork I eventually started up again.

And I'm writing this now as I'm smoking an ounce of weed.

I want Miss Cherry to come home...

Have I ever mentioned her before?

She's been such a huge part of my life these past few years, but this blog has missed a lot of my life during that span of time.

There's been months that I've gone without a single post.

But to tell you the truth during those spans of time I'm not sure what I would've written about.

I want Miss Cherry to teach me how to cook and to do my nails, and to go out with, experiment with drinks, smoke weed with...

Honestly she's been the closest thing to a mother since maybe my grandmother.

The only other person who ranks close is my old mentor.

*sigh*

And I miss her brownies, I swear they could cure anything.

Did I mention I have a cold and it fucking sucks?!

Rawr.

I'm going to bed now.

"Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the gremlins bite! *chomp, chomp*"

Just another thing to make me sad.

I'll never get to hear him say it again.

But I get to read it every night in a meaningless routine text...

Is it weird that out of everything, that's the thing that hurts the most.

I wish he'd quit saying it altogether, it just makes me want to cry.

Can you tell that I'm really not over it?

As much as I'm trying to be.

I haven't been this whole "months-worth-of-crying" bent out of shape since the infamous "Satan breakup".

And that is terrifying.

I've already sworn off men and dating....

Which means lots of casual lesbian sex for me! (Yay!)

I didn't think that he'd be the guy to send me to the other team like that.

Can't believe how hurt I am over all this stupid shit.

But I said I didn't believe in dating, and I said I wanted a friend to watch tv with and fuck occasionally, and I told myself I wasn't going to get attached.

So we all know where I am now.

He's going to the bar and hanging out with his friends, his life seems like it's back to normal.

*more sigh*

I really need to get over this ;^;

Too Many Sad Things

I deleted his number but my phone still decided to keep it under a nameless contact, even my phone is conspiring against me.

I don't wanna talk about him.

I don't even know how I feel anymore.

So much sigh over everything.

This could actually be the worst week of my life.

I found my old journals too, pages upon pages of lamenting over Satan.

Each page either with whatever sweet thing he did for me that day, or me calling him an asshole because of all the years we spent hurting over each other.

The mercury retrograde can please bid us farewell already, because it's ruining my fucking life right now.

I guess you could argue that if I was paying more attention to how you deal with mercury retrograde then I'd be better off.

I actually found a pro/con list that I wrote about Leo awhile ago, I think it says a lot about how I was feeling at the time.

Not to say that there were no "Pros" about him, he had a lot of good traits...but the fact that his negative traits outweigh the positives by so much.

And he doesn't do anything for me emotionally or mentally.

He's cooked for me and made me coffee, took care of me during "Shark Week" and all that is sweet.

He took me to comic con for a day and dragged me around, I didn't look at what I wanted to look at and when I did he seemed uninterested.

He took me to a concert because I found out he was going with his ex and he could tell it made me uncomfortable.

I missed the chance to go in the pit and enjoy seeing my favorite band play.

Because we were waiting for his ex (the stripper) who showed up late, and spent their entire set following her around because she wanted to smoke.

But they both got to see the band they were waiting for.

He bought me flowers because his uncle suggested it.

I could go on like this for hours, all the little things that have consistently disappointed me.

That's what makes me cry, the fact that he never fucking gave a shit about me, and I kept trying to convince myself that he did.

When we got back from comic con his dad asked him if he bought me anything and when he told his dad that he didn't, his dad asked why...Leo turns to me and asks me why I didn't ask him to buy me anything.

*sigh*

He saw what I was excited about, heard me say I wish I had $30 more for the Sailor V action figure that I've been excited about for months.

The truth is he probably just didn't wanna spend his money on me.

When he took me to the concert he talked his parents into buying me a ticket.

His parents adore me, the majority of his friends like me.

Consistently his excuse for not asking me out has been his "lifestyle" and his "friends"

The only one who doesn't really like me is his mistress.

So many fucking things like that.....

His sister came to visit from Texas and he was gonna leave me at his house so he could go to the bar with her.

Right after my house had burned down, after I had asked him if he's sure that it won't impose if I come over, he's the one who fucking invited me to come; then when I tried to go home we got into a fight about how I'm not being understanding.

It's been six fucking months, but he says I'm not patient enough.

That I "didn't even give this a chance"

Certainly not six months worth of chances....

It's my fault though, I should've been aware that he didn't like me and I should have protected myself better.

I'm done, if I date anyone it'll be a girl.

Relationships are not for me, obviously I'm meant to be alone.

Reading all my journals again is just convincing me that Satan was really the person that I was suppose to be with all along.

But of course it's much too late for me to finally admit everything.

And I wouldn't anyway, because he seems happy and that's all I ever really wanted for him.

I'm gonna be an old hag, the epitome of catlady-hood.

I hung out with Princess today (so I guess a few good things came out of my relationship with Leo).

He's sweet, I forgot what it's like to actually hang out with someone who listens to you, someone I actually have fun with....I need crazy people in my life, people who know who they are.

Leo clearly doesn't know himself the way he needs to, or maybe we just really aren't compatible.

And I miss Satan.

He likes all my nerdy statuses on Facebook.

I have Blink 182 stuck in my head.

Would you believe that I still hate the word goodbye?

Getting Over You

He said that I'll cry when I watch the first episode of Game of Thrones; I didn't tell him that I'm so fucked up over him that South Park actually made me cry earlier.

Everything has been making me cry the last couple days, I can't stop....

Crying into my coffee, bawling my eyes out and waiting for rain.

I don't wanna talk about what happened, but literally everything is a trigger for tears.

I didn't sleep or eat for 48 hours almost...

Mister J says that the reason I'm hurting so badly is that I never processed my breakup with Satan, and Leo was just a bandage for that wound.

Although to be honest, in the first days of Leo and I hanging out, I remember thinking to myself that it felt a little like hanging out with Satan a few years ago.

Leo has been at his Mistress' house for like three or four days now.

We aren't really talking....

I wish I could just magick all the pain and anxiety away.

I feel like I'm dying, this is horrible.

Annual Hotel Party and Other Shit

I am an idiot, because I just accidentally knocked over my vape and it fell into my bong.

#thefamilythatsmokestogetherstaystogether

You know that I'm being trendy in a sarcastic way.

Do you think I'd really buy into that bullshit?

Nah, fuck that.

I shouldn't have gone to Shadow King's annual hotel party...it was just a big mess.

Drama and vomit...

It was amazing to see everyone and I did have fun, but if I could do it over I wouldn't have gone.

Fuck I've changed so much.

Why does everybody slam doors?

The mercury retrograde is fucking my shit up.

I keep having to tell myself to chill the fuck out, because really I need to chill the fuck out.

Shit has been crazy...you know I don't think the name Leo fits him in this blog.

Too late to change it now though, haha.

Truly?

I think he's quite lost...

Insta-Post OTD

Teehee...I'm so trendy.

Someday maybe I'll expose this blog to the people who were in it, just send them all from an anonymous account.

Maybe I'll send them under a name that only people who truly know me would know.

Pfft...the only person out of all of them who knows that name is Kuma-kun.

Catwoman has seen the blog, but of course I've exposed most of my silly secrets to her over the years.

Southern Boy has seen it, even read some of it.

But he was never too keen on reading my writing, and only I know what that means.

I just got really distracted, didn't I?

Almost turned this into an update post....

Oh, but my heart is rotting.

I'm thinking about deleting my Facebook, and becoming a hermit.

Ironically this post is about my favorite Instagram pictures of the day, maybe this could even be a regular thing.

Maybe.

Because, holy crap this makeup...

Just in the interest of classic goth girl fashion.

I wonder if it's counterintuitive to have a blog about my personal life like this.

Did I used to be more insightful, back when I read books and watched interesting movies...and went on crazy adventures???

*sigh*

How has my life become so boring?

And why should I lament it?

Enough prattle.

Queen of The Fucking Universe signing out.

"Fuck you, thank you, I love you all!"

Sweet Things and Nonsense

My cat is a klutz, a big loveable oaf.

Maybe I cursed him by naming him after a bumbling dwarf.

Or maybe he inherited my clumsiness...

My other cat is a ninja, I can never hear him or tell where he's been; even his meow is quiet.

You know bunnies kinda look like gnomes sometimes.

I'm really fucking high right now, shit.

I don't listen to much ska anymore...

Mostly Reel Big Fish, Catch 22, Rancid, Streetlight, Less Than Jake, The Barrymores and The Mighty Bosstones are the bands that I still love.

Of course all the classics that cross into the genre in general.

I still love ska, but it's that I've gotten so picky about the music I like.

And that's with every genre...

I'm not even ranting, okay?

Blah.

I don't know what to do today, and I'm writing nonsense.

The two sweetest things he's probably ever said to me;

It made me aww and squee all over the place.

I have a question?

Is it bad that I post these things if I post them anonymously?

In fact I've looked at the stats and most of the people who've ever even looked at this blog are in different countries...

Ghetto Wonderland

So Satan was gonna start playing online games with me (like Archeage, lol), but he quit talking to me again.

Shadow King had one of his infamous hotel parties for his 22nd birthday this weekend.

And I got to see everyone.

Snuff, the boy with green eyes, Newb (who's not so much of a newb anymore), all the people that were there through everything.

When we first got there some people were calling me Bunny, I told them all to call me by my actual name.

I threw up twice, but the first time wasn't my fault.

Snuff told me that he would marry me, and the two of us and the boy with green eyes are all supposed to go on a Disney cruise together.

He also kept trying to kiss me...

The boy with green eyes kept trying to kiss me too, he said he's always had feelings for me, and a long time ago he wanted me to have his kids.

I took care of him while he was puking in the bathroom....the next day he barely remembered anything, but he apologized anyway.

Snuff left without saying goodbye, because I chased after Leo.

Speaking of which, Leo was jealous that I was so close to guy friends (which I always have been); so he left and sat down the street at these tables with a couple of other people.

Skunk came back and got mad at me because Leo was upset and earlier he had wanted me to talk to Leo but I wasn't sure how, they were all about to leave so I ran after Leo.

The boy with green eyes decided to come after me, he always feels like he has to protect me.

Leo and I had a long talk about everything and ended up okay.

Snuff was gone when we got back...he left without even saying goodbye.

Leo and I cuddled all night.

The next day was pretty relaxed, a lot of people went home, so we just chilled....some people had a balloon fight while the rest of us went to pick up stuff.

Catwoman came the second day and brought us snacks, I won at Bullshit too.

Leo and I had another talk the second night, we both ended up crying, but it feels like we broke through some barriers between the two of us.

We cuddled again that night too.

As of right now I won't date him, even if he asked me, but he'll never ask me....

I just want someone who loves me, who puts me first; because that's how I am about relationships.

You know it's been five months since we started hanging out, since we started liking each other like that.

Mister J is still livid about how Leo has treated me, so he went off about it yesterday.

After the party I spent a whole day hanging out with Shadow King's new boy and his friends, it was really fun.

I adore his new boy too, I think we're gonna be good friends.

(We're supposed to hang out today too).

And then Shadow King, his boy, and I all went to the park at like 1am.

We played on all the cool play structures, and talked.

I talked to Mister J about moving out yesterday, he wants me to stay here and go to school.

I want my own space though, *sigh* I'm not sure if I should leave or not.

And lastly my phone got shut off because nobody had money for the bill, not having a phone has been a pain in the ass.

That's pretty much everything, the whole sordid mess of my life.

Leo has been sending me sweet messages the last day or so, but it's always like that after he's seen me.

Give it a few days and we'll be back to normal.

He won't talk to me until I talk to him, and that's disappointing.