Intergalactic Boobies

I wonder if he and i are going to be this way when we're older...I wonder if we'll both be in our 30s/40s and I'll get to watch him roll joints, just like he is at this moment.

That's how much I like this guy...

Goddamn, it's been a crazy few weeks, and I just can't seem to complete a post lately.

This weekend Leo Darling got me a ticket to go to Comic Con with him.

And then I found out he was going to a concert with his ex, so he got me a ticket to that because he thought I was nervous that he was going with her.

It was really fun though, I got to see NoFx play.

*sigh*

He kinda has been stressing me out though, in a very indirect way.

What I mean by this is that he refuses to sleep with me...I've tried everything and he's made every excuse ever.

Also, he said he was gonna ask me out when we met Kevin Smith, but then he found out that he wasn't going to be there on the day that we went.

I just wish he'd reciprocate my affections....now I understand why guys get mad when girls don't put out, this is so frustrating.

Fuck Fuck Fuckety Fuck Fuck Fuckingg Shit Fuck.

So, ironic that my keyboard doesn't wanna work right...

And the one song by The Fratellis that Satan didn't ruin for me?

Fuck you.

My life right now is a fucking hysterical mess.

I am borderline psychopathic nervous breakdown.

I feel like I'm at the point of no return....

You see, I believe in predestination...the decisions I make at this very moment will determine who I am for the rest of my adult life.

It's terrifying, and overwhelming.

I Don't Really Wanna Get Along

I am resisting the urge to drink three Rockstars at once.

Well, you missed the part where I start buying weed from Leo's spirit family, and hanging out with them.

Yeah, that happens now....

I have a lot of reservations about Leo.

So, Mistress or we can call her Oneesama...or I call her Milady, she's awesome.

I still hate the idea of being part of a BDSM group, but I'm willing to do this for him.

Besides I have always been curious about it.

I'm starting to have doubts about him liking me; though Star and Milady both want him to ask me out...

Actually Milady was hoping that when I posted that relationship status as a joke that he had asked me out.

Everyone is still asking if we're together....

Milady says he's just being a pussy.

Maybe he's gay, maybe I'm fat, maybe he just doesn't like me...whatever the case, he never wants to touch me.

Aren't I too young to have this problem?

He always says, "Not right now."

I'm running out of ideas...

And Milady warned me about a couple of his exes....and I happened to meet one.......and surprise! I don't like her.

Shocker isn't it, considering the girls he used to hang out with.

He keeps saying their not bad people, but she seems genuinely fake.

Milady said that this girl still has a hold on him, it seems that way sometimes...I had a feeling before she said anything.

It's not even my business, because I'm giving up on him.

Mister J said that as much as he likes Leo that there's a lot of red flags, he seems sad for me.

Because he says that Leo can't be the guy I want him to be, this is why relationships don't work; placing unrealistic expectations on people.

So this is what it's like to be friend-zoned...

He keeps saying "...when we date..."

Am I just being impatient then?

It's just that he always acts so uninterested in me, but he always says he misses me.

I never know what to think anymore.

By the time he asks me out I'll have already moved on, because he's taking that long.

Or maybe he never will, I'm giving him one more chance, then I'm giving up.

I Lied, You Bother Me

Song of The Day: History of a Boring Town- Less Than Jake

"My conscience gone, this conversation's dragging on. There was once upon a time, when you would miss me too."

I've just been eternally listening to ska and trying to find my way through the catastrophe that is life.

The Jester asked me what kind of energy shift I've been feeling lately...

A chaotic one, chaotic as fuck.

"What kind of chaotic?"

"I don't know......I can't describe it."

"Notice the details, it's guided chaos."

It is though, isn't it?

What do you want me to say?

Even the air is charged...the energy lately is electrifying.

I'm crazy right now, that's the only way to describe it...I know myself well.

It's one of those moods...where I wanna get wasted and drive too fast, where anything could happen.

Sometimes I forget that this happens, it's so rare.

"You say you've got the cure, but I don't have a disease. You say you have the answers, but I made no inquiries."

And then this shit comes on...you never really are able to run from the past.

A wise man once said, "You have to live with what you've seen, but you're living anyway."

The Future Freaks Me Out

Feel better?

Wanna join my happy little bubble???

You'll Never Know What Goes On Inside My Head

So I'm finally home and I have no clue where to start, because so much is going on.

Leo got me some bud that I really like, it has a lovely smell and taste.

The type of high it gives you is pretty sweet too...

I'm so tired..... *sigh*

I think he really likes me.

Like texting me while he's out drinking with his friends at 2:00am, just to tell me about his night and ask how I'm doing...

Also he didn't go drinking on his birthday because he wanted to hang out with me (I'm not sure if it's entirely because of me since he doesn't normally drink anyway, but still).

And he took me out to dinner with his parents, I feel so loved *laugh*

But seriously, this is what dating is supposed to feel like.

We got so baked on his birthday, like holy shit.

And I ended up watching sailor moon with Mistress (I'm just gonna call her this because it's easier).

She loves anime, and I fucking love his spirit family.

I like that Leo and I have a relationship where we're cute and sweet to each other...

Okay, you guys have heard enough of me gushing about a guy.

I got a new bowl piece for my baby;

Speaking of which, have I ever showed Ruby on here?

So that's my *cough* "water-pipe"

Her name is Ruby Soho.

Soooo many snaps, so good.

It was weird to sleep alone last night, although we've haven't been cuddling as much because it's been too warm.

It's strange how easy this is...our parents like each other, Mister J likes him, his parents like me (and holy shit if I ever had to have a mother-in-law it would be his mom), our life goals align pretty well, and just spending this much time with him is so fucking easy.

I'm so comfortable around him, it's really wonderful....like having a best friend.

I love when he puts his arm around me or kisses me on the head, or when we have tickle fights.

I told Mister J that I could see myself completely falling for him, he replied that he thinks I already have.

Apparently I'm in denial about how I feel.

Finally somebody to just watch movies with and talk to.

How did I end up with exactly what I wanted?

I wonder if he would be okay dating, I know neither of us date anymore...but still.

Dinner at The Morgue

Oh, yes, you get a morbid title, because this post is bound to be another explosion of all my pent up emotions.

But I suppose it's alright, I got good advice from an unlikely source.

Hello, well, I talked to Leo about all the stuff bothering me...he was really understanding and said we should just take everything slow, as it turns out we're on the same page after all.

His spirit family is actually super nice, I even like his mistress.

This sounds strange, doesn't it?

I like them all a lot...

The BDSM thing still makes me a little uncomfortable, but I want to take this opportunity to learn about something new.

Leo said he does want to date eventually...all his friends keep asking if we already are dating.

No, we're not...

We did play a little prank over Facebook though, I got tired of guys bothering me so Leo told me I should change my relationship status and see what happens.

Except now all his friends are asking all these questions about if we're together or not.

I spent like a week there, we've just been watching movies and cuddling.

Mister J doesn't believe I haven't slept with him yet.

"Why the hell not?"

*laugh*

Can you tell he really likes Leo?

It kind of feels like we're dating even if we aren't.

Hiro-kun has been annoying the shit out of me so I told him that I didn't wanna talk to him anymore.

Ummm, I went to this rave/club thing with Catwoman, it was really fun.

We met a couple of cool guys and ended up going to Oceanside to drink with them.

Funny thing is we didn't even drink, just watched movies 'til we passed out.

Catwoman wanted me to go to the Def Leppard concert since she had an extra ticket, but I was with Leo.

One of the guys from the rave asked me to hang out last night, but I was busy.

Ivy and I are on speaking terms again btw.

The Plight of a Hopeless Romantic

I'm so laaaaazzzzzyyyyy.

I don't even wanna write anything.

Katja asked me for advice today, she met this guy...he's twenty-one and in a band....she's sixteen, and, well...yeah....

It's so difficult to be logical when you're a teenage girl.

I gave her the best advice I could, she has to make her own decisions though....I just hope I somehow helped in some way.

The story was typical, "he says he wants to marry me, but doesn't text me for days."

Some things never ever ever change.

Leo and I stayed up on Skype 'til about six in the morning...

We talked about a lot of stuff.

He used to cut, that broke my heart.

The only thing I wanted to do was hold him, it looked like he might've been crying...

I told him how I drank bleach that one time, he was really upset about it.

It feels like we got a little closer though, that's good.

No clue how I ended up liking him this much.

He told me more about his spirit family, I feel more at ease even if aspects of this still make me uncomfortable.

I think he likes me though, he keeps implying that we should date....

Not in a straightforward way, I wonder if it's just his subconscious desire to date.

Or if he's scared to get hurt...

Which is totally possible, sounds like we've had similar fucked up relationships.

Why do I like him so much?!

It's awful.

I love that he smells like patchouli and organic soap, and that his eyes turn a darker blue when we're near the ocean...

I need to have a little self-control, but it's just too damn hard not to like him.

So tiny update; the night actually turned out being not that bad...

(My phone is dying).

And I really like him despite whatever issues may come up in the future.

Carry on then...

(More details later).

Blinding Starlight; Resurrection From The Ashes

So I should write, because I'm drunk.

Because this one moment is the only thing that matters, right?

That's what a crazy girl once said to me, she said that I should make this moment count.

I don't know if this second in time really means everything I want it to.

Are you waiting for me to pour my heart out?

To admit all the things that I don't say aloud....

I can't.

And why should I?

Everyone is broken in some crucial way, Mister J says my issues are normal.

Are they?

Does that make them any less detrimental to my functionality or general welfare?

I talked to Mister J about Leo's spirit family...of course he confirmed every horrible projection I had.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid and overthinking stuff, because I don't like the feeling of not being in control of what's happening around me.

But it makes sense that this Mistress of his would probably have deep issues if she has [approx.] twenty different people in and out of this house all the time, and they're all tying each other up with whips and such.

Besides she makes them do assignments and even controls aspects of their lives (this is just what I've gathered from talking to him).

To be fair they could all be amazing people, I'm not one to pass judgment (especially before even meeting them).

But all this makes me...(dare I say it?) uncomfortable.

He said if we start dating his Mistress will probably ask me if I'm okay with all this.

But what if I'm not?

Then what?

Will this be what defines us, what destroys this...before anything has even happened.

I don't like this, for selfish reasons.

It has to do with loyalty, monogamy, trust....

I mean the whole point of this is to write down your kinks and turn-ons in order to explore them with everyone else in the house.

Yeah, I'm serious.

*sigh*

It's his life, his choice, and not even any of my business anyway.

And don't mistake this as me being uncomfortable with BDSM, I'm just uncomfortable with a poly lifestyle.

Which is what he's into, which is why this won't work...

Didn't I say I wasn't gonna get attached anyway?

After Satan got back together with his ex, and I said fuck this.

Witness the birth of the ice queen....

Honestly, truly, who said it matters.

I just drank a whole bottle of Smirnoff by myself, obviously I just can't deal with life.

No, really, fuck this.

I'll just detach from everything, live my own life, follow the road that makes sense to me...

Should I be honest?

Since this blog is supposed to be all about honesty...

I think the reason I'm uncomfortable with dating someone who's involved with a BDSM group like this stems mostly from my trust issues.

And also the idea of dating someone who's getting turned on by someone else really bugs me.

Mister J says that even though he likes Leo it seems like he has "daddy issues" so I should just have fun and not get too serious.

The reason that I ask Mister J for advice is because we think alike, but maybe that's the problem.

Times like this I wish I had a mother...

I know how depressing this post must be, it's not like I have anyone to tell all this shit to.

Nobody reads this anyway.....

So what?

I'm stuck between being the type of person I think I should be, which leads to me being crazy and uninhibited, but ultimately unfulfilled.

There's a middle-ground, right?

Between the "femme fatale", cold-hearted, unattached person that I am trying so desperately to become....and the person I've always been, emotional, warm, caring, kind.

I can't do both, I don't know how.

A need arises to choose between the two.

That's the problem with having feelings for Leo, because I'm either all in or I walk away altogether.

You're in this or you're not.

I'm attached or completely detached.

So there's another question; what am I doing emotionally attached to someone who barely knows me?

We hardly know each other...

I know that there's intuition, he reads my thoughts all the time, but I don't think that compensates for lack of actually knowing all the complexities of another human's personality.

Me? You know me, nonexistent readers.

You know I'm spilling all my messy paranoia, pessimistic doubt all over something that could be the incarnation of love and happiness.

I'm over-exaggerating.

There's nothing else to say about this, is there?

Mister J says that he'll know a person is right for me when I don't come to him with all these doubts.

Because apparently I'll just know.

Sounds like a copout, don't it?

But wait!

Aren't I supposed to be that girl who doesn't believe in romantic love, don't I want love affairs in hotels across Europe???

I'm a liar.

I said it.

I can't take it back now.

We all know by now that I'm just scared, terrified that I'll have another experience like the one with Satan....

*baggage, lots of it*

What I honestly want?

To wake up next to someone who likes me even if I'm crazy, pessimistic, suffering from chronic depression.

Someone who likes midnight walks, watching movies, road-trips...

A person who makes me feel at ease, whom I know that I can trust....with my life, with my heart.

I want a person I can talk to, someone who likes me just as much as I like them.

Sick-o-me by the Descendents just came on...all the wrong songs have been playing all day.

That's enough for now, nobody needs more of my psychobabble and insecurities.

And this fucking song...

The song....if you know me then you know exactly which song I'm referring to.

"You may find out that your self-doubt means nothing was ever there, you can't go forcing something if it's just not right."

I'll end on that note, with my favorite song and a billion stars on a cloudless summer night.