Stupid Things

Haven't blogged in awhile.

Super blood moon eclipse happened tonight.

Life is weird.

I kinda made friends with the cute guy at work.

Key word is 'kinda'

Work is really awesome.

Sleep is not something I've been getting a lot of lately.

Shut up, brain.

Weed is another thing I haven't been getting much of lately.

Is that good or bad.

I oughta go back to being an alcoholic.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Could just marathon the last season of Mad Men.

God, I really should fucking sleep.

Earlier the cute guy at work said that I'm his favorite new employee.... But he didn't say bye to me.

What does that mean?

Am I being paranoid for thinking that everyone is constantly judging me???

Maybe it's because I said that I used to dress my cats up.... I swear they never even cared though.

Or maybe it's 'cause I cut him off while he was talking about his dad's mastiff.

That did not make sense.

I definitely need to sleep.

Ahhh, I'm too paranoid about people.

But life is way too weird these last six months, and I don't even know where the future is going.

I wonder if it'll be any good at all.

My heart hurts, what was the last of me you saw?

This is my trump card, but it isn't a trump card at all. There is always a counter...

I've learned something about Catwoman, I hate her when she's dating someone...

I took a lot of mushrooms tonight, and I'm also really stoned.

And I've been awake for a long time....

Soooo many shrooms........

Oh my god, my whole body is tingling.

I love drugs.

I'm so in love.

But I can't be, I shouldn't be.

I love him more now than I ever did....

Is that even possible?

I've learned something though.

I have to let go.

No matter what...

It's time.

He never was good for me.

Even if I do love him, I have to let him go.

I feel like I just need to talk to somebody.....

I'm not even sure who, I thought about logging on to my favorite depression help forum (if I could remember the password).

In hearts and Out of Sorts

To play video games, or to masturbate?

The struggle is real, and this has become my life.

Yes, apparently I'm now an awkward, middleaged, fat man, with an IT degree.

Don't ask me what my world has actually manifested into.

It's not pretty.

More like a nightmare out of my teens.

At the same time, I suppose having him here is kinda fun.

He's so fun.

But when he's mean?

He's so mean.

And he's hurt, and confused.

....and I love him.

That in itself is a huge problem.

Because loving someone who doesn't love you back is just pain.

A very deep, soul wrenching, emotionally destructive sort of pain.

So that's where I am.

Trying to numb myself to that.

I would do it again, and I'll continue to do it, because I love him.....

I would rather be in pain and help him, than go back to my peaceful life.

As many times as I said he wasn't good for me, but in a lot of ways he is.

I'm not sure if he's good for my life though....if he's good for my lifetime goals.

Truthfully?

Like you want real honesty?

All I wanna do is smoke, masturbate, and eat cheese.

Ugh.

I'm too young to feel so pathetic.

Maybe I should work towards being attractive again.

I kinda turned into a hippie recently, lately I just don't give a fuck about anything though.

My femininity went on a mini vacation.

So there's that....because after that last guy I completely gave up on dating.

That basically means that I quit wearing cute outfits, quit wearing makeup, started eating whatever the fuck I wanted, started drinking and smoking excessively.

Is this called "letting yourself go?"

Meow.

Fuck life right now.

It's not a good time to give up on myself.

I have to crawl my way out of this bullshit and fix my life.

For real.

Because even if I don't win over the person I love, I might still become a better person after all this....and that's the most important part of all this, I have to grow from the experience.

I made friends with some random girl who works at target.

She seems really sweet.

I feel really lost in life right now.

I'm literally just living one day at a time.

Happier things;

I do actually enjoy Satan's company, I'd be less happy without him here.

My life has been chaos for like three months...cowabunga!

I'm kinda all in at this point.

"Whatever happens, happens."

"May the road lead you to warm sands."

That's really how I feel about it.

I know that life is about rolling with the punches.

I'm in too deep, and there's nothing I can do but roll with it.

Cat.

Just a quick update from the front lines;

Can we talk for a second?

Did I mentioned that Satan moved into my house?

Well, that happened.

I haven't had time to write lately.

And it's been years since I've felt this kind of sadness.

Mister J says he can't foot all the bills so somebody else has to get a job.

That somebody meaning me, since I know Satan won't.

Who would've known Mister J would've ended up loving Satan?

But they're a lot alike.

Satan is so fucking mean sometimes, and he constantly gives me shit.

...doesn't help that I'm still in love with him.

And the only thing I can do right is make his coffee.

When did my life become Itazura na Kiss?

I've been fighting with Mister J lately.....because I have to defend Satan.......because he has no motivation or aspirations.

Why am I defending someone who kinda, borderline hates me...?

Regret

He's so cute, I'm so head over heels...

What even should I do?

He doesn't want me though.

He still loves his ex.

Mister J was right, as always.

I should've known.

How do I stop loving him is the question I should probably be asking myself.

Revelations

Satan is starting to drive me crazy.

Because I love him...

Because he loves someone else....

Because my goddamn heart is broken, it may always be broken.

I don't know.

I'm supposed to learn from this, I'm supposed to grow from this.

The universe is doing this on purpose.

I can survive anything though.

That's the beautiful thing.

This will just make me stronger.

Satan has sent me into a drug and alcohol induced emotional void.

Yup.

That's how that shit is right now.

*beep*

I have had enough weirdness for a fucking month, and am no longer taking messages.

Thank you, have a great day!

When We Went Our Separate Ways

Strange things happen sometimes, all the time.

Life will foreshadow itself as if it were an old novel.

My life for the last few months has been strange.

The forces of Pluto and Saturn have cleansed the world.

We begin life anew, and it is a strange one indeed.

If I told you all the events that have transpired you would chortle in disbelief.

Should I start somewhere....?

With some lost and lonely morning, waking up to a wide window overlooking The Pacific that I love so much?

I need to quit getting involved with Leos, it will be the death of me.

...I'm legal now. Yatta! It's a nice feeling, being a real, bonafide adult.

I feel manic lately.

Today, my heart is sad, and swimming in the pit of my stomach.

This day, less than an hour ago, I learned something dreadful.

And my heart bears a great sadness.

My first and only love lost someone dear to him recently, the woman who raised him.

He's now homeless, and I can offer him no comfort.

Though we are friends, I am not on favorable terms with his girlfriend.

I suppose I can understand her unease, but I am of noble intent.

I love him enough to respect the partner he chooses, and it's that simple.

So here we are....

The rest maybe couldn't be worth talking about. Lady Snow and Kuma-kun got together.

(I called her that because she has long white hair and big blue eyes).

I met her the first time junior year.....

Remember when I was dating that one guy (I've mentioned him before) in 2011, and I was hanging out with all those people?

I'm pretty sure she had pink hair then, but who knows....that was so long ago.

It almost could've been a dream, because I'm the only one who really remembers it.

I'm really stoned.....

I bought cool shit today and some of my computer parts showed up.

I'm always stoned.

Life is insane.

Mercury retrograde isn't the horrible thing that people think it is.

I have a secret.

I think engagement rings are stupid.

Yup.

Only girl in America who doesn't want one.

Traditional marriages are stupid too.

If you know me, then you knew my opinion long before you read this post.

And if you don't know why I feel this way, perhaps that should be another entry (since this one is already painfully long).

I like the Norse tradition where both partners wear simple bands as engagement rings, and when they get married the lady gets a wedding ring, normally with a small stone.

Even though diamonds are my birthstone I'll probably never own diamond jewelry, I prefer emeralds and amethysts for their arcane properties...sometimes moonstones, opals, rose quartz......

I got distracted.

The other part of my confession is that if by some bizarre stroke of luck I ended up engaged in the way of nuptial affairs...I would want my engagement ring to be a replica of the one that Keats gave to his beloved Fanny.

Because so far in this life the only two loves I've had are Satan and John Keats.

Did I ever tell the story about why I started calling him Satan?

Does it matter anymore?

*sigh*

My heart has been heavy lately.

And what else should I say about it?

Reality might as well not exist right now.

The lines between different dimensions is so blurry, we're passing through them all at this moment.

When I close my eyes, I don't exist.

The veil between worlds is dangerously thin.

This is where I leave you, wanderers.

Vacation in The Good Lord's Lavatory

Is it a good time to blog?

I'm on vacation in Phoenix.

It's hot, but life is good.

With Miss Cherry and The Lizard.

They're wonderful.

Mister J broke off his engagement, for reasons.

I bought all kinds of lovely things, went to a music festival, and got to fulfill the lifetime dream of seeing one of my idols.

Also Miss Cherry did my hair and nails...I'm now a redhead.

I have to work the day after we get back, and I've had a lot of fun; but I'm excited to go home.

Falling Asleep & Forgotten Loves

Is it possible to fall in love with someone you've never met?

Would it be odd if I said that some part of me truly grew to love The Man in The Trench Coat?

I didn't realize it 'til I talked to him for the first time in over six months.

I heard his voice and started to tear up....I didn't expect to have that reaction.

The only other INTP I've ever met. *sigh*

He moved from being 40 minutes away from me to a completely different state.

His friends still ask about me and call me his girl.

He still calls me cute all the time.

We caught up, it was wonderful.

He's really happy now, and that's amazing to hear....I can't actually express how happy I am for him.

So there ended up being two men that I will always love.

Imagine that, I don't know how this happened.

Eleven (or twelve) days until mercury retrograde is over, three days to imbolc, and the majority of things going wrong in mercury retrograde seem to be sorting themselves out.

Are you going to ask me about Cute Nameless Boy?

(I don't know what else to call him).

He's picking me up tomorrow after work.

Apparently he's taking me to a show, his friend's band is playing.

My moshing skills are not that great...

(I can skank and slam dance, I guess though)

Did you know Kevin Smith's daughter has a giant pet bun?

I'm really fucking tired.

And that job I got?

Oi, maybe all this shit is not worthy of the blog and I should write it in a journal like a normal person.

This year feels so odd already.

People are appearing that I haven't spoken to in ages.

I'm going to bed now.

More on the crazy later.

Quick Update; I am now the Queen of Hell.

I'm slowly but surely falling for him.

Haha, he doesn't have a name in this blog even.

But he melts my heart.

Literally, we click so well.

And we've been this way for literally months, we've just been getting closer....

I'm scared, but I feel like I shouldn't be.

He's gonna come "steal" me next weekend.

Be still, my beating heart.

My heart is always dropping down to my stomach and waking up all those pesky butterflies, they get pretty riled up *cheap laugh*

I know I'm not that funny...

Life ain't too shabby.

I have tea and udon, and a really awesome person who genuinely likes me....I have a big empty house and even though it's a total wreck, at least it's mine.

And I have good friends who love me, and a few people who I considered family (though not by blood, which may actually be better).

I feel blessed and I think this year will be amazing.

It's been difficult and painful to get here, but I am slowly crawling my way out of the gutter.

Moments of happiness are always worth the hardships and troubles, this is what I've learned.

You know you love someone when you love their cat as much as you love your own.

Maybe other cat people understand me when I say that.

I dunno, I've never asked another cat owner about that.

I'm stoned and I have a cold....

I probably don't know what I'm talking about.

50? Stupid questions from a stupid sick girl.

Out of boredom let me answer some more pointless questions.

I have a cold.

Crazy shit has been going on.

I'm not sure what to write.

I misplaced my favorite pen.

Help.

1. Height;

5'5

2. Weight;

I have no clue, I honestly can't remember the last time I weighed myself, probably like 130 lbs

3. Age;

20 going on 40. Kidding. I'll be 21 in 4 months though.

4. Birfday;

April, 29th

5. I'm bored....

6. Why would you even want to know all this pointless crap anyway?

7. Crush;

Cute boy, who I think I offended earlier. Imagine that. And Karen Gillan, omg she's so amazing.

8. Last text;

"[name] sent [name] a pic of [name] saying that she is his daughter... what the fuck? that wouldnt be possible. i got pregnant the week i moved to florida."

People keep tryna start shit.

9. Battery percentage;

92% yo

10. Eye color;

Shit brown. Jk. Somebody told me I have gold in my eyes the other day, I'm not sure if that's a crock of shit.

11. Addiction;

Too sick to be creative. Die in a fire.

12. Favorite song;

Giving up, giving in- catch 22/streetlight manifesto (catch 22 version is better, js)

13. Favorite animal;

Khajit-bun hybrid.

14. Favorite color;

I've been really liking green lately. Idk wtf is going on.

15. Sing in the shower;

Fuck in the shower?

16. One wish;

Not to have any regrets at the end of my life.

17. Best time in your life;

Meh. My life is consistently up & down.

18. Country you live in;

'Merica. Land of deep fried idiots.

19. Pets;

2 Khajits, 1 dwarf Viking, and 1 red nosed grrrrr

20. Plan on getting married;

Ha!

21. Favorite subject;

Eat my shorts.....would you be surprised if I said Lit?

22. First kiss;

Asshole.

23. Insecure;

Oh, yeah, can't you tell how insecure I am? *sarcasm sign* nobody should ever be insecure, it's pointless.

24. Ever self-harmed;

Mmm, yes. Unfortunately.

25. Who you love;

A chicken shit who loves me back.

26. Miss anyone;

I miss Catwoman, The Jester, Satan, and cute boy who is ignoring me right now (for god knows what reason). Maybe I don't miss him, maybe he can take his emotional bullshit and go fuck himself.

27. Hair color;

Brunette for one more week. And then the mystery color of indecisiveness. 

28. Do I really wanna keep answering these?

I have nothing better to do with my time.

29. Relationship status;

Black widow. I marry men and then kill them for riches and cocaine.

30. Last song you heard;

Is it weird that I actually can't remember?

Ummm, ska??

31. Biggest fear;

Idiots taking over. Oh, wait, that's reality.

32. Believe in ghosts;

Yes.

33. Something you hate;

I hate too many things and people for this to be a valid question.

34. Favorite show;

I don't actually watch tv...

35. Favorite movie;

Is it cliché if I say Clerks? SLC Punk! Is the second one. I swear my movie choices aren't vapid, angsty cigarette commercials.

36. Favorite book;

Can't decide. Something by Vonnegut?

37. Favorite food;

Sushi

38. Jealous of;

Too tired to be clever. I don't get jealous of people because I think I'm awesome. Although I admire people who can dance professionally or know how to play the violin.

39. Star sign;

You mess with the bull....yeah, no. I'm one of those stubborn sun signs.

40. Middle name;

Beetlejuice.

Haha, Lady Erin of the Emerald Isle.

41. Worst habit;

Dealing with people who mentally exhaust me.

42. Siblings;

Only a couple of half-siblings that I haven't seen in like 8 years.

43. Talents;

Making an ass out of myself, disposing of corpses, jokes that are so dry that they're actually not funny...

44. Embarrassing moment;

Do people actually have those?! Pffft!

45. Future career choice;

Serial killer, 17th century poet, drow elf, feline...crazy person?

46. There was supposed to be 50 questions....how did this happen?

Dead Tired & Too Stoned To Care.

How do you survive a broken heart?

They never fucking heal.

"...haunt you, taunt you, until the day you die."

Oh, right, I'm rambling.

Because I'm reading old journals in light of the recent events that have transpired.

He never really leaves my life, does he?

Years ago we had a Star Wars moment where I told him that I loved him and he said, "I know."

Mister J says that there's a part of him that still loves me, buried deep.

I'm overcome with confusion.

After all these years is this really the path that we'll walk?