In hearts and Out of Sorts

To play video games, or to masturbate?

The struggle is real, and this has become my life.

Yes, apparently I'm now an awkward, middleaged, fat man, with an IT degree.

Don't ask me what my world has actually manifested into.

It's not pretty.

More like a nightmare out of my teens.

At the same time, I suppose having him here is kinda fun.

He's so fun.

But when he's mean?

He's so mean.

And he's hurt, and confused.

....and I love him.

That in itself is a huge problem.

Because loving someone who doesn't love you back is just pain.

A very deep, soul wrenching, emotionally destructive sort of pain.

So that's where I am.

Trying to numb myself to that.

I would do it again, and I'll continue to do it, because I love him.....

I would rather be in pain and help him, than go back to my peaceful life.

As many times as I said he wasn't good for me, but in a lot of ways he is.

I'm not sure if he's good for my life though....if he's good for my lifetime goals.

Truthfully?

Like you want real honesty?

All I wanna do is smoke, masturbate, and eat cheese.

Ugh.

I'm too young to feel so pathetic.

Maybe I should work towards being attractive again.

I kinda turned into a hippie recently, lately I just don't give a fuck about anything though.

My femininity went on a mini vacation.

So there's that....because after that last guy I completely gave up on dating.

That basically means that I quit wearing cute outfits, quit wearing makeup, started eating whatever the fuck I wanted, started drinking and smoking excessively.

Is this called "letting yourself go?"

Meow.

Fuck life right now.

It's not a good time to give up on myself.

I have to crawl my way out of this bullshit and fix my life.

For real.

Because even if I don't win over the person I love, I might still become a better person after all this....and that's the most important part of all this, I have to grow from the experience.

I made friends with some random girl who works at target.

She seems really sweet.

I feel really lost in life right now.

I'm literally just living one day at a time.

Happier things;

I do actually enjoy Satan's company, I'd be less happy without him here.

My life has been chaos for like three months...cowabunga!

I'm kinda all in at this point.

"Whatever happens, happens."

"May the road lead you to warm sands."

That's really how I feel about it.

I know that life is about rolling with the punches.

I'm in too deep, and there's nothing I can do but roll with it.

Cat.