July, 20, 2012

I'm trying really hard not to fall for him, but he makes it really difficult.
It's like I can feel his guard go down for a moment, and then suddenly it goes back up...
I think he's fighting with a lot of things within himself...the pain from his last relationship, confusion about me, and the experience of being hurt again.
After living in a small town for so long I've forgotten so much about this city.
I miss the way people talk, with slang that's specific to California....
I'm just not that girl anymore.
So what now?

July, 18, 2012

I'm finally back in California, and I couldn't be happier....if only everything was the way I remember it.
Where do I even begin?
My friends are mostly gone or their personalities have changed so much that they are unrecognizable.
Satan and I have been hanging out every day since I've been back, and he's not anything like I remember him to be.
For instance, he opens doors for me and he saved me from a terrible mushroom trip....he's completely in love with his ex, and part of me is terribly sad that he'll never love me, and the other part wants nothing more than friendship from him.
Being on shrooms somehow completely cleared my mind about my life.
But there is so much that is in desperate need of change.
Speaking of change, I feel like a complete outsider....
I don't know anyone these days, I don't know anything about drugs or music....I don't know what people are talking about anymore.
Some of this is almost tragic.

July, 15, 2012

I wish that certain people would let go of grudges, particularly my step-dad....you see, once upon a time, a lot of things happened with Satan....
We've both grown up, yet my step-dad has a lingering grudge....
Could we ever fix something that has been destroyed so completely?

I wished that I could have a movie scene where the protagonist walks into a church and suddenly finds the person that they always were.
And then I heard the church bells, the pastor beckoned me inside.
Somehow, although I've never been Catholic or even Christian, his sermon gave me strength to forgive myself, to love the world again, and to let go of all the wrong that has transpired.

I'm letting my sweet boy go; as much as I cherished standing at his stove, he was fiddling with the dials....his arm around my waist.
His proclamation that my step-dad has reason to hate who he was in the past, because he hated who he was too.
His belief that if he ever was to meet my step-dad again that they would get along.
Secrets are what binds me to this pain, terrible secrets.
I have gained insight to my own demons and acceptance of those things that can't hold power over me anymore.
I'm letting him go, I'm letting the secrets go, the lies about who I am....about who I was.
I give it to the god that I now have faith in.

July, 9, 2012

"Real writers don't grow up with a white picket fence"...all of my crazy experiences will make a good novel one day.
I can't help but feel like I should appreciate what life has taught me, I wouldn't be this wonderful person with all my quirks and flaws if I would've had a "white picket fence."

July, 8, 2012

I met a real life bro-hoe tonight....
And I'm letting him go; just because I'll always love him, doesn't mean I should be with him.
I can dance, listen to Bad Religion, smoke on the porch, and stare at the stars.
The alkaline trio is like a home for my heartache, and I look to find that I have no tears left to spend on a past-life.
Coffeehouses....indie music, bets for the sake of broadway, campfires, peeing in the woods, drinking half a bottle of whiskey, typical teenage douche-bags, preppy girls, the stars on a string, a sense of longing for things that will never become my reality, deliberate ignorance....
Something tells me that I'll be able to pick up the pieces of my broken universe, that maybe I can fix the world that has collapsed around me....