What do you do when your life starts to fall apart?
Homeless, jobless, with a broken heart, and no family to speak of....what can I do now?
I can't hold things together....I couldn't do it if my life depended on me....
So this is how the story ends...
Friday, June 29, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
June, 28, 2012
I forgot how he makes my heart stop, I can't help it.....after so many years I still fall for him every time.
It's the way he speaks, the way he looks at me, his mannerisms.
I return to dismay and regret, to bitter heartbreak; if only to look into his eyes for one more moment of my life.
How could I do this to myself again?
Just to hear him laugh, to feel him hold my hand, to breathe him in; I should have let him go, life is strange in that way.
As if everyone I knew could predict what I wouldn't dare to dream.
I wonder if I make too much of silly things....
It's the way he speaks, the way he looks at me, his mannerisms.
I return to dismay and regret, to bitter heartbreak; if only to look into his eyes for one more moment of my life.
How could I do this to myself again?
Just to hear him laugh, to feel him hold my hand, to breathe him in; I should have let him go, life is strange in that way.
As if everyone I knew could predict what I wouldn't dare to dream.
I wonder if I make too much of silly things....
Sunday, June 24, 2012
June, 24, 2012
So I went back to San Diego for a few days, I forgot how many good friends I actually have....
And I saw a certain someone....guess who....Satan, 4 hours of playful teasing, flirtation and cuddling.
He's really grown up, and I found myself falling for him again as he kissed my cheek and nearly fell asleep with my head on his chest....he respected my boundaries and was sweet and sincere.
He even gave my a gentle kiss as we said our goodbyes.
But now my heart and head are both a terrible mess, and I wonder if all this was merely because he's lonely....or if that look he gave me as he brushed my hair from my face meant something.
Did he feel that connection too?
The same connection from years ago, when time around could cease to exist when we looked into each other's eyes....
I felt that same uncertainty and gentleness from him that I used to before I unwittingly broke his heart.
He gave me those same intense looks that belong only in movies...
I wish I could make sense of all this, but maybe we're like the characters in the novel The Solitude of Prime Numbers; doomed to be in love, with the paths of our lives moving in the same direction, yet never crossing.
And I saw a certain someone....guess who....Satan, 4 hours of playful teasing, flirtation and cuddling.
He's really grown up, and I found myself falling for him again as he kissed my cheek and nearly fell asleep with my head on his chest....he respected my boundaries and was sweet and sincere.
He even gave my a gentle kiss as we said our goodbyes.
But now my heart and head are both a terrible mess, and I wonder if all this was merely because he's lonely....or if that look he gave me as he brushed my hair from my face meant something.
Did he feel that connection too?
The same connection from years ago, when time around could cease to exist when we looked into each other's eyes....
I felt that same uncertainty and gentleness from him that I used to before I unwittingly broke his heart.
He gave me those same intense looks that belong only in movies...
I wish I could make sense of all this, but maybe we're like the characters in the novel The Solitude of Prime Numbers; doomed to be in love, with the paths of our lives moving in the same direction, yet never crossing.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
June, 12, 2012
So my best-friend just went to a strip club for the first time....without me, because she and all my friends graduated today....without me.
Because I graduated a month ago, in a place that is so very different from anything I've ever known.
I can't figure out why I ever thought that spending my Senior year this far from home was a good idea. Why I didn't realize that I'd miss out on football games, AP psychology, AP lit, prom, grad night, graduation, and my best friend's 18th birthday....
So now I'm here, with no friends, spending my summer watching Disney movies and perusing the internet 'til 2 am....
When do I get to go home?
And what will I find when I get back?
....and why do I suddenly feel like the protagonist of The Odyssey?
"The world has changed....much of once was is lost, for none now live who remember it."
I haven't become a anti-social nerd....okay, maybe just a little.
Call of Duty and Skyrim have saved me from death by boredom within the last few weeks.
Look at the Infamous Bunny now, wasting time playing video games and being depressed over the fact that her life collapsed on her....I guess sometimes you just can't win.
Monday, June 4, 2012
June, 4, 2012
I'm not sure why I want to go home anymore....what do I have to go back to?
The pier?
The ocean?
The knowledge that everything I once had is lost with the decay of time?
I don't know what to say these days, the future is a mess and the past is long dead.
What now?
I don't want to go home to a world that has changed so much, every aspect of that world is foreign to me now.
I don't want to stay here in this coma, waiting for my own emotions to consume my mind.
I wonder if this world will ever make sense to me again....
The pier?
The ocean?
The knowledge that everything I once had is lost with the decay of time?
I don't know what to say these days, the future is a mess and the past is long dead.
What now?
I don't want to go home to a world that has changed so much, every aspect of that world is foreign to me now.
I don't want to stay here in this coma, waiting for my own emotions to consume my mind.
I wonder if this world will ever make sense to me again....
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