We find ourselves here over and over again, but we are the ones who chose this past; I want out though.
So maybe someday the choice will arise again, and I'll choose something different.
These trees are so familiar, city streets that I could call my home; but I won't, I'll make the distinction and change the past.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Attack of The Flying Zombie Pigs
I haven't been home for four days (with the exception of two 10 minute periods to pick stuff up), so much has been happening lately....I don't even know where to start.
Maybe that I've been everywhere, and maybe that I've stayed out this long because it's easier to live at my friend's houses where there's food and everything is clean, and everything is....normal.
So Thursday evening I got pizza with Catwoman and The Jester, I spent the night at The Jester's house (which I will explain later).
I went home to pick things up at noon on Friday, I went to The Library and had Ivy meet me there.
I spent the night at Ivy's house, and did her hair and makeup for her birthday party on Saturday, it was fun.
I'm still here at Ivy's house, watching the end of RENT; because....just because.
Maybe that I've been everywhere, and maybe that I've stayed out this long because it's easier to live at my friend's houses where there's food and everything is clean, and everything is....normal.
So Thursday evening I got pizza with Catwoman and The Jester, I spent the night at The Jester's house (which I will explain later).
I went home to pick things up at noon on Friday, I went to The Library and had Ivy meet me there.
I spent the night at Ivy's house, and did her hair and makeup for her birthday party on Saturday, it was fun.
I'm still here at Ivy's house, watching the end of RENT; because....just because.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Good Morning World
It's a new day, and the old songs don't bring tears to my eyes anymore.
The stories haven't ended badly yet, there's still a future for us to claim.
That little girl that I left stuck in the pages of my poetry is going to be okay, she'll be just fine living her dreams; her beautiful bright future.
It was okay to box up my past and put it in the attic, the pictures of my dad and poems about Satan.....
I'm okay.
I can finish the story, not the way I planned it....but maybe better.
I'll start over: one, two, three....easy like cake.
I promise it couldn't hurt me anymore, it wouldn't hurt me from passing by; which it will pass.
Isn't that an Alcoholics Anonymous thing?
"This too shall pass"?
And so it shall.....
The stories haven't ended badly yet, there's still a future for us to claim.
That little girl that I left stuck in the pages of my poetry is going to be okay, she'll be just fine living her dreams; her beautiful bright future.
It was okay to box up my past and put it in the attic, the pictures of my dad and poems about Satan.....
I'm okay.
I can finish the story, not the way I planned it....but maybe better.
I'll start over: one, two, three....easy like cake.
I promise it couldn't hurt me anymore, it wouldn't hurt me from passing by; which it will pass.
Isn't that an Alcoholics Anonymous thing?
"This too shall pass"?
And so it shall.....
Spiritual Healing
Why am I still awake?
Why am I searching the past for answers?
All I can say to my former self is: "You never really were prepared"
for what?
For someday, and forever, to tell him everything, or to make a stand.....to leave the past behind.
But I did, I left the past behind and now all the things that I lived for are gone.
It's been a long time since I've felt like this, since I've written this way.
Two years ago makes me smile, because it was something wonderful back then; when we were becoming adults, but it seems I grew up a little too fast....too fast to really enjoy it.
I didn't accomplish any of what I set out to do, and now I'm moving on.
I feel that I've been left behind......
So maybe it's because I have to move on, because they left me behind.
The world went on without me.
So I didn't enjoy any of it.
Why am I still here?
In the same place, doing the same things, stuck in the same situation, with the same damn people?
I remember when I used to shock the room into applause, where is that girl?
And four years ago, it was a wonderland!
It was my dark, beautiful wonderland....I miss the cold, the comfort of the shadows.
I miss the sound of my favorite bands playing in my ears as I sat at the window and stared at the night sky.
When I think about all that has happened, tears can't help but form at my eyes.
At least my poetry is better than it was back then.
And then there's the things that I can't really remember, locked so deeply in my mind.
Truth is I never fit into my dad's world, I was his only daughter, his first child; and he didn't love me because his wife didn't like me.
I could've been such a great daughter, I don't know why he never saw that.
This blog, among all the other things, is also my way of healing from the past.
He kicked me out because I wasn't cookie cutter, there in small town suburbia.
I just couldn't keep pretending, it wasn't for me.
We haven't spoken since.....
All I ever wanted was parents, all I ever wanted was a stable life, a home where someone loved me.
You have to see the good in the bad though, and I learned how to stand on my own because of it.
Why am I searching the past for answers?
All I can say to my former self is: "You never really were prepared"
for what?
For someday, and forever, to tell him everything, or to make a stand.....to leave the past behind.
But I did, I left the past behind and now all the things that I lived for are gone.
It's been a long time since I've felt like this, since I've written this way.
Two years ago makes me smile, because it was something wonderful back then; when we were becoming adults, but it seems I grew up a little too fast....too fast to really enjoy it.
I didn't accomplish any of what I set out to do, and now I'm moving on.
I feel that I've been left behind......
So maybe it's because I have to move on, because they left me behind.
The world went on without me.
So I didn't enjoy any of it.
Why am I still here?
In the same place, doing the same things, stuck in the same situation, with the same damn people?
I remember when I used to shock the room into applause, where is that girl?
And four years ago, it was a wonderland!
It was my dark, beautiful wonderland....I miss the cold, the comfort of the shadows.
I miss the sound of my favorite bands playing in my ears as I sat at the window and stared at the night sky.
When I think about all that has happened, tears can't help but form at my eyes.
At least my poetry is better than it was back then.
And then there's the things that I can't really remember, locked so deeply in my mind.
Truth is I never fit into my dad's world, I was his only daughter, his first child; and he didn't love me because his wife didn't like me.
I could've been such a great daughter, I don't know why he never saw that.
This blog, among all the other things, is also my way of healing from the past.
He kicked me out because I wasn't cookie cutter, there in small town suburbia.
I just couldn't keep pretending, it wasn't for me.
We haven't spoken since.....
All I ever wanted was parents, all I ever wanted was a stable life, a home where someone loved me.
You have to see the good in the bad though, and I learned how to stand on my own because of it.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
More Movie Scenes Borrowed From The Silver Screen
I'm rifling through the pages of my life, holding back tears...I'm going to box it up and put it in a non-metaphorical attic.
This is both an end and a beginning.
Anyway, moving is a pain in the ass.
Speaking of moving....I was talking to my boy (yes another boy) and Satan happened to be near us, he overheard me say that I'm moving to Alpine.
He made a comment about how East County is full of tweakers.
I replied that I like East County (mostly because nobody bothers you up there, unlike here where everyone is always in your business)
So he told me that I'm going to be a future tweaker, he says things like this to get a rise out of me.
Lucky that this has only worked in the past, and not presently.
I continued to be nice, so he had no choice but to be nice.
I shared my iced tea with him on a hot summer day, catastrophe avoided.
But I really need to change my lifestyle, it really isn't my scene and honestly it's exhausting to be something that you're not.
While parts of me belong, I know that in the end this isn't for me.
This is both an end and a beginning.
Anyway, moving is a pain in the ass.
Speaking of moving....I was talking to my boy (yes another boy) and Satan happened to be near us, he overheard me say that I'm moving to Alpine.
He made a comment about how East County is full of tweakers.
I replied that I like East County (mostly because nobody bothers you up there, unlike here where everyone is always in your business)
So he told me that I'm going to be a future tweaker, he says things like this to get a rise out of me.
Lucky that this has only worked in the past, and not presently.
I continued to be nice, so he had no choice but to be nice.
I shared my iced tea with him on a hot summer day, catastrophe avoided.
But I really need to change my lifestyle, it really isn't my scene and honestly it's exhausting to be something that you're not.
While parts of me belong, I know that in the end this isn't for me.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
July Second Through The Fourth
I chose this path...but I'll mourn the past still.
There will be no peace for my soul, 'til I'm old and grey.
"This could be messy, but you don't seem to mind. So don't go telling everybody and overlook this supposed crime"
*shrug*
It's like the past is chasing me down and forcing me to acknowledge its existence....why?
Yay! Independence Day!
Praise the country that let's me watch internet porn with only minor government surveillance.
Well, fuck my shit I guess.
I don't really wanna be here, so why am I?
They just killed a snail, and I have to wonder if I'd be happier at home watching X-men reruns.
Well, we sat under a street lamp and watched the fireworks, they skated in the middle of the street.
We took forever to find this one house, and then I came to my second home; here at Catwoman's, there's never been another place where I can walk in at eleven o'clock at night and be welcomed warmly....
There will be no peace for my soul, 'til I'm old and grey.
"This could be messy, but you don't seem to mind. So don't go telling everybody and overlook this supposed crime"
*shrug*
It's like the past is chasing me down and forcing me to acknowledge its existence....why?
Yay! Independence Day!
Praise the country that let's me watch internet porn with only minor government surveillance.
Well, fuck my shit I guess.
I don't really wanna be here, so why am I?
They just killed a snail, and I have to wonder if I'd be happier at home watching X-men reruns.
Well, we sat under a street lamp and watched the fireworks, they skated in the middle of the street.
We took forever to find this one house, and then I came to my second home; here at Catwoman's, there's never been another place where I can walk in at eleven o'clock at night and be welcomed warmly....
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