If it's my decision, then maybe that's why I needed to be alone.
I didn't want it to be my decision, I wanted us to talk about it....really talk about it.
But I guess it didn't happen that way.
I don't know what's real these days, my mind isn't quite clear, sometimes I feel crazy.
Is it or is it not, crazy?
Meow.
Some days everything makes me sad, but I've always been like that.
And this is the secret account of my exploits.
But Ocean Beach and the infamous Voltaire?
Well, there's nothing for me here.
Just a bunch of faded memories.
The dust settled, kicked up after wandering a beaten path, "once upon a time" and "I've been here before"
And this is where we are now, walking familiar roads in a life that wasn't really ever mine.
Maybe that's why I always ran...
There's too many things I could say.
But there's nothing more really.
I became a slave to the drone of life.
The white noise in the background, it rules my life.

Wibbly Wobbly Shtuff

I saw Satan, for the first time in months, the other night.

He seems broken, and all I feel is pity for him.

Part of me will always love him, and seeing such a sad human being in front of me was....I don't know what words to use.

He seemed just a shell of his former self, gone is the cocky bad boy I came to know and love.

Some things about him will never change, but so much about him has changed completely.

Homelessness and life itself have taken their toll on him.

He's still with the same psycho girl, and she's as crazy as ever....I wonder if he regrets it.

I'll never know that answer to that, I've been trying to keep him out of my mind.

But it's so difficult, especially now that I've seen what his life has come to.

There will always be days that I miss him, but I have to move on with my life. 

And I have to be grateful, because no matter what happens I know that I pulled myself out of a life like that.

I rose out of the dysfunction and chaos that was my life, some days I still have pangs of depression that eat at my insides; but I guess when it comes down to the real shit, I rose above.

The Saddest Song

When did I even write last?

I'm sure it's been months...

I've been literally eating my feelings, too depressed to work out.

I just work.

I'd leave right now if someone gave me a good reason to.

What even is life?

I don't know what to do, where to go, how to make myself feel better.

Nothing is wrong, but everything is wrong.

Everything has changed so much from days under the sun, the ebb and flow of the tide.

Because we've all changed, life has changed.

But realistically everything is the same, the same people making tired decisions.

The mundane and repetitive flow of a life we've already lived.

How do I break this circle, this whirlpool, pulling me under?

The last posts I wrote were just ramblings

Lovesick and crazy.

I'm so different from a few months ago, in a way I guess this is what I always wanted.

To be a cold as ice, femme fatale, with no formal attachment to any other human.

But I know my soul is sad.

There's more practical things to speak about than the sordid state of my own mind.

But goddamn.