You Lost, You're Crazy

Today...

Um, I'm at the point of putting up a craigslist ad for someone to replace Satan (because there isn't a goddamn soul to talk to at 2:00am).

So I just talked to that one guy (Jesus, we should find a less conspicuous name for him) until like 5:00am...we talked about comics and shit.

He's really awesome and cute (with long hair and a beard, *laugh*).

And waking up in this room makes me feel sixteen again, I haven't been here in over a year...but there was a time when I spent all my time here.

And Catwoman has changed a lot, but hanging out with her feels just like it used to.

Oh my gosh, there's a Mustard Plug song called Copasetic, pfffft, hahahaha...

Seaworld was fun, in case anyone was wondering.

I got a small sunburn though....

And Catwoman's "not" boyfriend is a douche.

Other than that, I like the people we went with, and I got to see X-men again.

(I mentioned that I snuck into the drive-in by riding in the trunk the other night, right???)

I can't keep track of what I'm writing these days.....

Spider-Man was fucking amazing, *spoiler* but they totally kill Gwen (just like in the comics).

I knew it was gonna happen and was wondering if they'd have the balls to go through with it.

Just like Satan said when the first one came out, "I wanna see Spider-Man be funny and shit."

Or something like that, but it's true.

My friends are starting a YouTube channel and asked me to be the third person, is it weird that I'm kinda excited?

I went to bed at 5:00am, I'm so ducking (haha, yeah, ducking) tired.

Fucking autocorrect.

We were gonna go to the strip club last night, but a new girl was working at the counter so we didn't get in for free.

Oh! That guy I've been talking to used to date one of the strippers *laugh*

I guess she knows a bunch of people I knew (back in the day, haha).

So instead we went to the sex shop next door (that really ghetto one); and I was talking about fucked up Internet videos so the guy at the counter was like, "what are you watching on the Internet?!"

It was really funny.

Catwoman's kitty was sleeping on my hair last night, it was adorable (I remember when he used to eat my hair while I was sleeping).

It's been six years since Catwoman and I met, holy hellfire.

She doesn't wear her hair down anymore, it seems like a small thing...but it's very different.

It's funny the little things about a person that change over time.

I'm trying to decide if I wanna get dressed and go down to OB.

Go sit on the pier with a peach Arizona iced tea, bring back some good memories.

Somehow it doesn't seem as appealing as it should.

(Catwoman would laugh if she knew I still had this blog).

Maybe I should've brought weed, but I'm still not the person I used to be.

It's only Saturday?

So when last I left you I was about to go meet people in OB...

I met Skunk at the nature preserve, we went to The Black and the smoke shop, met up with Jesus at the wall, went to the crystal store and the Wiccan store.

We ended up hanging out at Jesus' house, smoking bowls, talking about comics and watching movies.

I stayed the night there, it was nice not sleeping alone, he makes amazing coffee, and his parents are awesome.

So the next day Skunk went home, and we hung out with Catwoman and her friend in PB (Pacific Beach).

It was pretty fun, he had his arm around me the entire time and kept kissing me on the head and stuff.

We went into smoke shops, the sex shop, Denny's...watched the sunset on the pier.

I forget sometimes that this is what my life used to be like.

I ended up crashing at his house again, we stayed up all night talking, smoking bowls, and watching Netflix.

Apparently his mom likes me...I wonder if he likes me.

I don't know what we are, but I haven't been this happy since I dated Satan all those years ago.

It's like this guy knows my soul, he knows what I'm thinking before I even speak.

Our personalities seem so perfectly balanced, and you know I like smart guys anyway...it's so difficult not to like him.

I also left really bad marks near his clavicle/collarbones.

Bite marks obviously....teehee, finally someone who doesn't complain that I bite too hard.

It's weird we never hung out before even though we know a lot of the same people...maybe we're just meant to be friends now because we're at the right place in our lives.

*sigh*

Maybe we don't need a label, maybe it's okay to just be happy in this moment.

The energy shift is finally settling itself...

Anyway, Ska show tonight ;D

Rockstar Energy Mini-Review

You get a post about Rockstar flavours!

(I'm only kind of kidding)

So, yes, Rockstar mini-review!

The blue raspberry has become my favorite (not just because it has the coolest can, seriously diggin' that splatter paint).

The cherry citrus was my other favorite, definitely those are my top two.

Light Vanilla Coffee was good, but had that trademark weird aftertaste (like when you drink the punch and cola flavours).

Still yummy!

Sparkling Peach was pretty bomb, it also wasn't as sweet as the others.

Okay, that's all for now.

Bye!

What Is Lost Can Never Be Saved

"Your vagina is teething!"

God, everyone I know is so weird...

Guys are so damn predictable.

It's entertaining.

Ssshh, you didn't hear it here.

So, how come I never knew about Cage The Elephant or Modest Mouse?

People are lonely...

Hell, I'm really lonely.

I skyped with Ivy earlier, she's still complaining about the same stuff she was complaining about before.

Tonight I passed out on the floor of a KFC bathroom in some random part of town, because...I'm wasted....again.

I'm pretty sure I pissed myself *sigh*

I need to probably slow down or I'm gonna spend my twenties with my head in a toilet.

I've been up all night puking (it's like 7:00am and I haven't slept), I can't even hold down water or Gatorade.

My ribs hurt, I broke an earring, I fell and hit my head (there's a bump now and it hurts).

But I met a lot of chill people, and only subjected two people to my drunken stupor (that's the most delicate term I can use for passing out in a public bathroom).

I told them I'd bake them cakes for taking care of me (I'm totally serious).

They kept saying that a bowl would help...it probably would've, but I just went home.

Lucky that Mister J is always there to rescue me.

Not that I really needed rescuing, considering that Kingpin was taking pretty good care of me (and also his really pretty friend, like this girl was gorgeous).

Wish I could sleep, but I'm shaking too much.

I've never thrown up so much in my life.

Maybe I should take a shower and eat something (I haven't eaten in almost 24 hours).

Mmm, I dunno...

I had a lot to write about, there's just too much going on.

Somehow turning twenty has just made me feel sixteen again.

Maybe the pot helps (it always helps), have I mentioned that I went back to smoking?

Like legitimately (even bought a sack off of Catwoman's old boyfriend, doesn't that bring back memories?)

I remember when he hated me because he thought that Catwoman was a different person when she was with me, I remember when I met him right before my freshmen year, and when Ivy slept with him, and when he tried to sleep with me last year....

All of our lives have been so interconnected, entwined....I understand now why it's difficult to cut ties with the past.

Oh, whatever...more posts about people that I only vaguely care about later?

I'm just joking, I still care about all of them in my own way.

In a lot of ways these people made me what I am.

I'll Never Get To Heaven If I'm Singing This Song

"I've got a gun in my hand, but the gun won't cock; got my finger on the trigger, but the trigger seems locked. And I can't stop staring at the tick-tock clock, even if I could I would never give up."

I had a really brilliant title but I forgot what it was...

I'm playing with more picture editors;

My hair is turning orange...

I'm thinking about dying it acid green soon.

I started talking to this guy I went to highschool with, I don't know why we were never friends before (because I was a stupid, whiny cunt back then).

But really we've been discussing comics and literature (and sex, but we all just need to get laid).

And fuck has this week been weird...

Where do I even begin?

Aside from random guy who I have tons of weird shit in common with (actually he's friends with tons of my accquiantiances), and of course Satan and I finally parting ways for good....there's the fact that I saw my mom for the first time in almost two years, and I'm adopting her cat.

I go pick him up on Sunday...I got a new car and bought some Hello Kitty themed stuff for it.

Lots of really random people have been talking to me (Ivy's lover, who deserve an actual name since he's a really nice person; King of Burnt Toast, Southern Boy...probably more random people, I dunno).

Snuff invited me to a baseball game, Kingpin invited me to a movie premiere.

And The Jester and I were discussing the existence of romantic love, I don't think it's real and he disagrees.

Um, anything else?

Oh, probably...

I think the energy shift finally leveled itself out....it feels like it's gonna be kinda stagnant for awhile.

And today I feel over my head...

Oh! That guy quit talking to me, I think I fell asleep on him too many times *laugh*

Although I've never met anyone quite like him, but I've decided not to take guys too seriously.

Because, well, I've got this theory that guys just want a girl who isn't annoying to screw around with.

I've decided relationships are stupid, and I would rather be alone.

Satan made me get a twitch account (not really *laugh*)

But I was watching a stream of someone playing Dofus and the chat was all in French (because the game is French, but it was funny).

"Song of the spaceman!"

I was like, huh?

So I wanna get back into doing yoga, I think.

And I can't go to the premiere with Kingpin because I have to go pick up my new kitty (and pick up my mom from work).

She said she's thinking about moving back to LA, I don't know how I feel about it.

And I've been playing the Dragonborn quests in Skyrim (because I'm so goddamn bored).

But my xbox is pissing me off, and I'm seriously considering selling it, everyone's like "noooo, we haven't played co-op yet!"

Haha, I think console gaming is pretty dead though.

I'm just moody...

Because it's 2:00am and I don't have anyone to talk to...

Because Satan got a girlfriend, so he's never online anymore...

Not that I would talk to him anyway, since his girlfriend hates my guts...

And even if she didn't, wouldn't it be weird to talk to him if he's dating someone....?

Hence, I'm awake alone at 2:00am.

But I digress *wink*

Fork said I'm a catlady in training...

Um, in training?

I was born a catlady.

It's an inherent trait.

Ivy's lover (he really is in desperate need of a new blog-worthy nickname) invited me to go see Godzilla and eat sushi with him...

Mister J said it's not weird because he's probably just in need of a friend, *shrug*

That one guy I've been talking to (let's call him Jesus, for way too obvious reasons) said he can't believe a girl like me is alone all the time (subtley implying that I'm every comic enthusiast, Tolkien-loving nerd's wet dream).

No, he really did actually say something like that.

He's really into BDSM though, it makes me a little nervous (to be quite honest).

But he has the exact same taste in literature that I do, he's obsessed with comics, he's cute (with long hair), and he has a lightsaber tattooed on his finger.

The negatives (other than symptoms of nyphomania)?

Well, he smokes the same volume of bud that I used to smoke (back during the glory days of my fucked up adolescence), and I simply can't keep up.

Kingpin invited me to a house party on Saturday, I think I'm definitely gonna go (oooh, watch out! It's the return of Miss Bunny).

Speaking of which (kinda), I'm down to my last bowl and it sucks donkey cock.

I quit drinking and went back to blazing (fucking old habits don't ever go away).

Catwoman invited me to go with her to Seaworld on Tuesday (because she works there and got free tickets), and also to spend a couple days with her....

I'm seriously considering it.

But why do I feel like I'm somewhere inbetween the girl I was in highschool and the anti-social jaded person I became last year?

'Cause I am exactly that, and I love it.

Weird, ain't it?

(I have Tool stuck in my head).

What else???

I went to the Getty a few days ago (never, ever go on a weekend), but it was just the way I remembered it to be.

It's funny how Renoir and Van Gogh can instantly soothe my soul.

I really enjoyed the exhibit on Queen Victoria too.

And I'm exhausted, this catlady stuff is difficult sometimes.

I'll write more later (this post is long enough already).

The Tragedy of a Solemn Goodbye

We were certainly never Matt & Red...

Sure, we could say that would've been a problem.

I should sleep more, my eyes hurt sometimes from the sheer brightness of life, as a window at sunrise.

I got cold so I buried myself in a giant comforter, I feel like I'm wrapped in a giant fluffy cloud.

Today was absurd.

I can't tell if my life is terribly boring or truly insane.

I met a friend though (I had to pick up a cat for my mom, you heard me right...that's all).

Meet my friend Sasha, I'm gonna steal him (sshhhh).

I also adopted an Imouto-chan...

She's obsessed with Miku, and she's adorable!

I quit drinking, and started smoking pot *laugh*

Mmm, music this week?

Lots of Catch 22, it's less serious than Streetlight Manifesto.

Um, Marianna's Trench...The Suicide Machines, The Cure, The Smiths, Pink Floyd, and The Bleachers.

If I could start a band?

Sid Vicious on bass, Toh Kay on vocals, Tim Armstrong on , Matt Skiba on guitar and vocals, Travis Barker on drums, and Billie-Joe Armstrong on harmonica.

Meh, idk....not sure how good that would be, it's just a thought.

Satan got back together with his ex, I think...

Do I have a right to feel anything about this?

I have the sensation of waking up, because for the first time I've realized it doesn't hurt...I don't worry about what I say or how I sound to him anymore.

This means I can leave with a clear conscience, and in the end I guess I just wanted him to end up happy.

We're still friends....if you could ever call us that.

Maybe in some parallel universe we ended up happy.

He told me that he would use all my built up luck from always being so unlucky...maybe I am unlucky.

Maybe I'm meant to be like Mark from RENT.

I'm observing the lives of others, the world behind the glass, that pool of light that I never quite felt a part of.

I'm being morbid, aren't I?

Certainly I'm sure it sounds that way.

This week has been exciting and odd, don't mistake these confessions as more of my depression.

I just have to get this out, because it's time.

Time to confess and lay the past to rest.

Factually?

I'll always love him...

One day, right before he went to Australia, before he fell in love with a little hipster girl, before he changed so much....there was this day, was it raining?

No...that was a different day, there were so many similar days, so many nights that blend together.

But on this day, I was sitting on his lap, I was crying....he told me that he isn't a good guy, all he would ever do is hurt me, and that he has always had feelings for me.

He was fighting the person that the world was trying to make him be, he was lost.

Maybe this girl that broke his heart, but is apparently back and asleep in his bed, maybe she helped him find his way.

I have this theory that Satan and I were never meant to be because we're too alike.

We're lost, stubborn, angry, cynical, skeptical, dysfunctional....

Or maybe if I hadn't been so caught up in being adrift on my own road in this life...I simply wasn't around and we both knew that.

Because I was running around all over the place, with all kinds of people, in all kinds of situations...and he was always in the same place, with the same people, doing what it is that he's always done.

It's always been those parallel roads which never intersect, we aren't stable enough for each other.

"All roads lead to Satan's house."

Oh, sixteen year old Bunny....she will haunt me for just as long as Satan.

So many people told me that they thought we'd end up married, even my own mother thought we'd end up together (not that she remembers *sigh* my life).

This.....I....it's really the end of so many things.

The end of Satan, Catwoman, Ivy, The Crew...

We are at the very beginning again.

I feel as if I'm sitting on the floor of the 100 building, near my locker, and it's six in the morning.

I'm writing about neon skies, starlit eyes...my hatred of the word goodbye.

Thinking about love, missing people who will never miss me, convincing myself that there's always a happy ending, that the silver screen could hold some truth.

Idealistic, always the center of a crowd, always with somewhere to go, someone to see....

Always with some new scheme or up to mischievious antics.

That girl sitting on the floor, wearing studded bracelets, kandi, purple lipstick, and unruly curls...she was the person who made me this way.

And Satan, with his black hoodie, longboard, long hair, and old school headphones blaring death metal.

I would ditch English class just to go see him, because I loved him...

He would wear finger-lights to school, when he first got them we were in the car with my mom and he was showing me the smiley face and teasing me about the way I say "milk" and that sixteen year old girl, with Satan sitting behind her and ruffling her hair...she was so goddamn happy in that moment.

He gave me my first lightshow to Skrillex- Scary monsters and Nice sprites, and he taught me to use a butterfly knife, taught me to take a proper bong hit, taught me to always say what I'm thinking, taught me to play both WoW and Borderlands....

He always was there for me when my friends weren't...for the smallest things, but those things meant the world to me.

I might've been shallow, whiny and over-emotional, but I loved him.

And now that I can look back unbiasedly, I see that I have fond memories of him.

It wasn't all just crying in the street or us yelling at each other...

I stole his hat, he stole my soda, he walked me home, he carried me, hugged me when I dumped my boyfriend or when my mom was being a bitch, I could show up at his house in the middle of the night and he would let me stay without asking me for anything at all...in the end even though through all these years I've caused him tons of trouble and even a lot of pain, he was always there for me...even if he was fucked up.

These are the kinds of things that I loved about him...our banter, the way the air would ignite when we looked at each other...*laugh* the way even his friends thought we should've just gotten together already.

"Just kiss already (gosh, pfff!), he obviously likes you."

Now that I've written all this I feel better.

I wrote a novella about all this, I was even going to turn the story into a blog with a post per chapter.

But this is what it was supposed to be, me being honest about how I feel.

Because throughout all these things I learned to stop being honest about how I'm feeling (another thing Satan taught me).

He never, to this day, ever believed that I loved him...finally I learned to quit saying it.

All he ever did was throw it back in my face...the fact that I was stupid enough to be in love with him.

If he wasn't with the "love of his life"....if I had been around more....if all these forces hadn't been working against us (and trust me, everything was working against us), would he have ever believed that I loved him so much?

I'll never know, in a way that's the most tragic part...not knowing if my first love had the potential to turn out differently.

Winners Fuck The Prom Queen

If nothing else, at least my life is entertaining.

I've met all kinds of quirky people with all kinds of interesting lives, that has to account for something.

Or maybe I've just had too much wine with my dinner...

Ivy felt the need to post an obscure status on Facebook about how she "feels like she doesn't matter because she never hears from her 'best friend' anymore."

Obviously she's referring to me, I saw the post by chance....

Of course that's the logical way to deal with this, instead of just sending a straightforward message to this alleged "best friend"

I told Satan that the reason I'm still friends with her is because I'm making up for being a bitch in highschool (his response was humorous as usual), but honestly she was more of a bitch than I was back then...and currently she's quite delusional.

Really I'm just frustrated by the immaturity a post like that shows.

Am I pandering?

Maybe.

Satan certainly accused me of it, and then suggested I just tell everyone off (basically just saying all the things that run through my head to these so-called friends of mine).

Enough ranting.

I haven't really heard from anyone since I left for Anaheim (except for a game of phone tag with The Jester).

Disneyland was fun, except that "arcade" really means "gift shop", the lines were horrendous, and I didn't sleep for almost forty hours while trying to survive the busiest theme park in the world.

*laugh*

Although the morning I left, I stayed up all night talking to Satan and among all our usual entertaining conversations, we somehow ended up deciding to go to Six Flags together.

You know, the reason I started watching anime again was because of Satan...

I've liked anime since I was a kid, but I all but quite watching it in high school.

I don't remember where I was going with this....

More rambling a from a high bunny; that name has never really died, despite how much I've tried to distance myself from it.

Aaaah, I've come to figure out that I never really enjoyed smoking with The Jester or Kuma-kun because they never did anything exciting.

Smoking with either of them was always redundant or mundane.

My relationship with alcohol: one day I had too much vodka (too much is an understatement) so I started drinking whiskey, one day I had too much whiskey, so now I'm drinking wine.

I'm so used to cat in my face...cats are much easier to understand than people.

I prefer Morrowind to Skyrim because you could kill people and take their houses, and sometimes you'd kill the wrong person and it would say something like "...the thread of the prophecy is broken..."

The reason two introverted personalities should not try to be romantically involved, because nothing would ever get done.

Opposites really do attract, in that sense.