Wibbly Wobbly Shtuff

I saw Satan, for the first time in months, the other night.

He seems broken, and all I feel is pity for him.

Part of me will always love him, and seeing such a sad human being in front of me was....I don't know what words to use.

He seemed just a shell of his former self, gone is the cocky bad boy I came to know and love.

Some things about him will never change, but so much about him has changed completely.

Homelessness and life itself have taken their toll on him.

He's still with the same psycho girl, and she's as crazy as ever....I wonder if he regrets it.

I'll never know that answer to that, I've been trying to keep him out of my mind.

But it's so difficult, especially now that I've seen what his life has come to.

There will always be days that I miss him, but I have to move on with my life. 

And I have to be grateful, because no matter what happens I know that I pulled myself out of a life like that.

I rose out of the dysfunction and chaos that was my life, some days I still have pangs of depression that eat at my insides; but I guess when it comes down to the real shit, I rose above.

The Saddest Song

When did I even write last?

I'm sure it's been months...

I've been literally eating my feelings, too depressed to work out.

I just work.

I'd leave right now if someone gave me a good reason to.

What even is life?

I don't know what to do, where to go, how to make myself feel better.

Nothing is wrong, but everything is wrong.

Everything has changed so much from days under the sun, the ebb and flow of the tide.

Because we've all changed, life has changed.

But realistically everything is the same, the same people making tired decisions.

The mundane and repetitive flow of a life we've already lived.

How do I break this circle, this whirlpool, pulling me under?

The last posts I wrote were just ramblings

Lovesick and crazy.

I'm so different from a few months ago, in a way I guess this is what I always wanted.

To be a cold as ice, femme fatale, with no formal attachment to any other human.

But I know my soul is sad.

There's more practical things to speak about than the sordid state of my own mind.

But goddamn.

Stupid Things

Haven't blogged in awhile.

Super blood moon eclipse happened tonight.

Life is weird.

I kinda made friends with the cute guy at work.

Key word is 'kinda'

Work is really awesome.

Sleep is not something I've been getting a lot of lately.

Shut up, brain.

Weed is another thing I haven't been getting much of lately.

Is that good or bad.

I oughta go back to being an alcoholic.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Could just marathon the last season of Mad Men.

God, I really should fucking sleep.

Earlier the cute guy at work said that I'm his favorite new employee.... But he didn't say bye to me.

What does that mean?

Am I being paranoid for thinking that everyone is constantly judging me???

Maybe it's because I said that I used to dress my cats up.... I swear they never even cared though.

Or maybe it's 'cause I cut him off while he was talking about his dad's mastiff.

That did not make sense.

I definitely need to sleep.

Ahhh, I'm too paranoid about people.

But life is way too weird these last six months, and I don't even know where the future is going.

I wonder if it'll be any good at all.

My heart hurts, what was the last of me you saw?

This is my trump card, but it isn't a trump card at all. There is always a counter...

I've learned something about Catwoman, I hate her when she's dating someone...

I took a lot of mushrooms tonight, and I'm also really stoned.

And I've been awake for a long time....

Soooo many shrooms........

Oh my god, my whole body is tingling.

I love drugs.

I'm so in love.

But I can't be, I shouldn't be.

I love him more now than I ever did....

Is that even possible?

I've learned something though.

I have to let go.

No matter what...

It's time.

He never was good for me.

Even if I do love him, I have to let him go.

I feel like I just need to talk to somebody.....

I'm not even sure who, I thought about logging on to my favorite depression help forum (if I could remember the password).

In hearts and Out of Sorts

To play video games, or to masturbate?

The struggle is real, and this has become my life.

Yes, apparently I'm now an awkward, middleaged, fat man, with an IT degree.

Don't ask me what my world has actually manifested into.

It's not pretty.

More like a nightmare out of my teens.

At the same time, I suppose having him here is kinda fun.

He's so fun.

But when he's mean?

He's so mean.

And he's hurt, and confused.

....and I love him.

That in itself is a huge problem.

Because loving someone who doesn't love you back is just pain.

A very deep, soul wrenching, emotionally destructive sort of pain.

So that's where I am.

Trying to numb myself to that.

I would do it again, and I'll continue to do it, because I love him.....

I would rather be in pain and help him, than go back to my peaceful life.

As many times as I said he wasn't good for me, but in a lot of ways he is.

I'm not sure if he's good for my life though....if he's good for my lifetime goals.

Truthfully?

Like you want real honesty?

All I wanna do is smoke, masturbate, and eat cheese.

Ugh.

I'm too young to feel so pathetic.

Maybe I should work towards being attractive again.

I kinda turned into a hippie recently, lately I just don't give a fuck about anything though.

My femininity went on a mini vacation.

So there's that....because after that last guy I completely gave up on dating.

That basically means that I quit wearing cute outfits, quit wearing makeup, started eating whatever the fuck I wanted, started drinking and smoking excessively.

Is this called "letting yourself go?"

Meow.

Fuck life right now.

It's not a good time to give up on myself.

I have to crawl my way out of this bullshit and fix my life.

For real.

Because even if I don't win over the person I love, I might still become a better person after all this....and that's the most important part of all this, I have to grow from the experience.

I made friends with some random girl who works at target.

She seems really sweet.

I feel really lost in life right now.

I'm literally just living one day at a time.

Happier things;

I do actually enjoy Satan's company, I'd be less happy without him here.

My life has been chaos for like three months...cowabunga!

I'm kinda all in at this point.

"Whatever happens, happens."

"May the road lead you to warm sands."

That's really how I feel about it.

I know that life is about rolling with the punches.

I'm in too deep, and there's nothing I can do but roll with it.

Cat.