So It Goes...

“You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.”

-Azar Nafisi

So in prison they have this tattoo of three dots on your hand, and it's supposed to mean "my crazy life" in Spanish.

Sometimes that's how I feel; "my crazy life..."

As if there's nothing to say about it.

I'm at the point of just not giving a fuck anymore.

Did I tell you I saw Satan for the first time in over a year?

He called me at 2:00am a couple of days ago, I was asleep so I didn't find out why...

He probably just took a week to randomly miss me at two in the morning.

Yeah, so I stopped in and smoked a bowl with him, his gf, and one of his old friends (#tbt The Crew).

I have nothing else to say about it.

If you've been here awhile you'll know exactly who The Crew is...

"How the Hell did we get here? Pan left to the steeple of the church...Christmas Eve last year..."

Yes, quoting Rent.

I gave up on Leo.

Nothing to say about that either.

Sometimes I think maybe I should leave this damn city.....we all know how that goes though.

I'll be homesick for palmtrees and the Pacific within a month.

It's been so long since I've written early in the morning, smelling the ocean.

I feel too much like myself lately....

Not another heartbroken mess, I assure you.

That's a lie.

I'm seriously hurt, because I told Leo that I just want to be friends.

Because he made me wait too long for some sort of sign that I should stay.

It hurts...it fucking hurts.

But hey, I've been through it before...haven't I?

I'd rather be single than be unhappy.

I'm not sure that Leo and I were compatible to begin with, or maybe we have issues...or maybe he can't give me himself, because he doesn't know himself.

"'Cause we find ourself in the same old mess, singing drunken lullabies."

I understand that he's been so extremely traumatized over relationships, but I can't handle it.

Everything is weird, I don't wanna start in on everything else...

Adjusting to living with people, dealing with being alone; the world is in upheaval.

Alley Cat had her baby finally, if anyone was curious.

Anyway, I'm done.

With relationships, with emotions, with people...

"Fuck you, thank you, I love you all."

But what really am I supposed to do with all these useless days.

It's fighting the urge to die as I wake.

I've Been Possessed By My Pussy!

So Satan Skype called me last night and I didn't answer...so earlier this afternoon he called me twice and texted me, I didn't even know that he saved my number.

He was actually worried about if I have a place to stay.

I'm just dying, too much blog-worthy stuff has happened lately; where could I even begin?

Another Road To Nowhere-land

So my house caught on fire today...

My grandpa's roommate is an idiot and set off all the gunpowder and ammunition, the house literally almost burned down.

And guess who didn't even call when I told him that I was standing outside, hearing explosions and seeing flames.

But guess who did actually check on me for no reason other than to make sure I'm okay.

Satan, of course he saw my distressed Facebook posts and asked me if I was okay.

He and Southern Boy calmed me down....

Princess (who weirdly I have never mentioned) invited me to stay for a few days if I needed to.

All Leo could say is "I'm sorry :((("

And asked me if I'm drinking water since I breathed in so much smoke.

But you'd think that someone he cares so much about he would try to make me feel better since my fucking house almost burned down.

But he's watching Doctor Who with his parents.

These last few weeks I'm increasingly aware that we aren't right for each other at all.

I could go on for hours about all his issues and how frustrated I am at the lack of effort that he puts into this.

The fact that after all these years Satan is still the one who asks me if I'm okay and talks to me until I am.

I'm a little kid, and I've got little problems.

So it's a good time to say stuff....

Like both parties in this "relationship" seem to be quickly growing bored of each other.

Is that what's going on???

Yeah, seems like it.

*sigh*

Always too good to be true, and I'm too old for this shit.

Still, I'm a little on the heartbroken side....like after Satan heartbroken.

Because we've known each other for years, and we've spent so much time together these last few months.

It kind of sucks to realize that I either don't mean enough to him, or that I mean too much.

We're both so fucked up....it feels too much like what I went through with Satan.

Their personalities are too similar...

Why are we all so "damaged"?

I don't know how I'll come out of this at all.

Intergalactic Bun

So much has happened since last I posted; prepare for a long, somewhat personal post.

*sigh*

My crazy life...

I'm a girlfriend without the title, and yet he's the first guy who has ever fought to keep me.

Also he's the first guy to buy me flowers or kiss me in the rain.

It's natural and easy for us to be together, we spend weeks together.

Our lives have become intertwined, and there are so many things that I love about him.

I feel the same unconditional love towards him that I felt towards Satan.

I hate that everyone has this notion of love as all or nothing.

Love happens gradually, you grow to love someone...from something very small, into something magnificent.

I know it's been an eternity since I've posted, and for that I am sorry.

A multitude of reasons have kept me away from both my pen and keyboard...which I won't discuss at this time.

I went from being so utterly disillusioned with the spectrum of human emotions in particular, and my fellow humans in general....to being myself again.

Remember that girl sitting under the trees, gazing up at the sky, breathing in her brief moment of complete peace?

I feel like that person again, and I have Leo to thank for it.

Not because he did anything astounding...but just that by being who he is, he brought me back to who I am at my core.

And because he reads my mind all the time, without even knowing it.

I have no words, because he's exactly the type of person that I needed all along.

Even the things about him that I should find annoying, become the things that make me smile.

We spend weeks together, but it feels as if we've been doing this for years.

He's intelligent, challenges me, makes me laugh all the time, he's so passionate about the things he loves...

I love that his eyes turn green sometimes, and they crinkle when he smiles.

Just the way he smells is comforting to me, hearing his voice instantly makes me stop crying.

He's so warm and cute, and sweet, and....please stop me, I'm just going to keep talking about him.

I don't want to jinx it anyway.

Oh, but I've found myself loving another person with that same profound, unconditional love that I had for Satan all those years ago.

Speaking of Satan, I was wrong about which girl he's dating...just so you know.

I feel like I can finally let him go, like he's finally found someone who'll take care of him.

We'll always be friends, I think...all these years of inadvertently being there for each other must count for something.

My life right now is mostly just comprised of getting my life together and spending time with Leo.

I'm not even sure what to talk about, I'm so exhausted....today was really long.

Maybe I'll tell everyone more later...

Intergalactic Boobies

I wonder if he and i are going to be this way when we're older...I wonder if we'll both be in our 30s/40s and I'll get to watch him roll joints, just like he is at this moment.

That's how much I like this guy...

Goddamn, it's been a crazy few weeks, and I just can't seem to complete a post lately.

This weekend Leo Darling got me a ticket to go to Comic Con with him.

And then I found out he was going to a concert with his ex, so he got me a ticket to that because he thought I was nervous that he was going with her.

It was really fun though, I got to see NoFx play.

*sigh*

He kinda has been stressing me out though, in a very indirect way.

What I mean by this is that he refuses to sleep with me...I've tried everything and he's made every excuse ever.

Also, he said he was gonna ask me out when we met Kevin Smith, but then he found out that he wasn't going to be there on the day that we went.

I just wish he'd reciprocate my affections....now I understand why guys get mad when girls don't put out, this is so frustrating.

Fuck Fuck Fuckety Fuck Fuck Fuckingg Shit Fuck.

So, ironic that my keyboard doesn't wanna work right...

And the one song by The Fratellis that Satan didn't ruin for me?

Fuck you.

My life right now is a fucking hysterical mess.

I am borderline psychopathic nervous breakdown.

I feel like I'm at the point of no return....

You see, I believe in predestination...the decisions I make at this very moment will determine who I am for the rest of my adult life.

It's terrifying, and overwhelming.