Art Has Meaning, But Reality Has None

I don't think anyone has ever written so much about me, it made me smile....have I ever met someone who understands me so perfectly?

Nope, not even Satan.

I'm going to assemble an army of orange tabbies to take over the world!

Mmm, there's people that I should probably respond to...I've been ignoring everyone the last few days.

Rural internets suck so bad....fuuuuck.

Skype is horse shit.

Fork looks cute in a beanie, we were beanie buddies tonight.

So I'm thinking about going to cosmetology school...and I'm thinking about finding a hobby....maybe cooking, that could be a fun hobby.

And Vari just puked on the carpet (I dunno why he keeps throwing up, he puked on my bed a couple days ago).

Ivy is in Louisiana right now; so far she's texted me from Arizona and Texas too.

She went to see Ms. Frost while she was in Texas, she's so gown up and it's been such a long time.

(I can't believe Ivy is driving all the way to Florida, with two cats and a baby)

Ummmm, Persian coconut cookies?

I think yes.

So collectively I spent eight hours on Skype tonight.

An hour with Southern Boy discussing why humans are the angriest mammals ever....and....discussing cats.

Two hours with Fork, being hyper and crazy weirdos.

Five hours with Satan, giving each other shit and listening to him lament over how badly he wants to sleep with me.

Smart move, not putting out for all these years...

I guess this could end well for me, fuck if I know.

I'm not gonna...nope, I'm not gonna tell some long anecdote about him.

He was listening to The Fratellis, he said that most people don't get to hear his shitty singing, and our maybes are opposite (which is a good thing).

Satan also managed to pull the most elaborate dick joke ever, I'm amazed and bewildered.

He said I've somehow surpassed his level of being an asshole (*laugh* really?), and apparently I fail at life because I was feeding my cats at 2:00am.

And he told me I'm "mysterious" it was hella funny, that was probably the most honest conversation we've ever had.

I'm glad that he was in a good mood.

It's 5:00am, but I'm not sure how I could sleep since Satan successfully riled me up and then went to bed.

Geez.

I just need to get laid, I'm gonna find someone to sleep with....ooh, birthday sex!

Satan didn't remember that I've seen his dick on camera before, I found that hilarious...he doesn't have the best memory.

He said some drunk hot girl passed out on his bed last night after breaking his e-cig, but he couldn't "hit that 'cause she's into jungle fever".

Hmmm, I think we know another drunk girl who used to pass out on his bed a lot....I don't think I understood how terrible being a cocktease is back then.

He was bugging me about starting up WoW again...our 'Recruit a friend' benefits already expired though (it's been awhile).

So it's either get a new account for a new character so we can play together, or get one of those 'level up booster packs' (is that what they're called? I'm so tired).

So this exists;

I think one of my dreams would probably be going to Italy and having Grolla Dell'Amicizia...

This post is all over the place.

Oh, but good news; I might be going to Japan in a few months (wish me luck).

And I talked to The Jester for six hours (I think?) last night, we shared our theories on the recent energy shift, talked about aliens, and how girls should be more straightforward, among other things...our conversations are all over the place....

I guess Ivy didn't tell anyone that she was leaving, as always I seem to be the bearer of bad news.

Catwoman texted me this morning, I'm bewildered.

My aunt wants me to become a realtor, I'm not sure...maybe?

They do make good money, but would I be happy as a workaholic?

I dunno....just maybe, as always.

I'm too goddamn indecisive.

Yesterday Mister J asked, "Are you serious about moving to Japan?"

I know that tone, that's his "let's follow through with whatever crazy scheme you have on your mind" tone.

But I'm not sure, because I've never been there, I don't know if I'd be happy there.

I don't know if I'll be happy as a realtor or a cosmetologist.

I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do....everyone keeps telling me to do what I want to do, but I'm so very lost.

The Love That I Had, Wasted on a Pretty Face

Fork ended up shaving his head, it makes him look older *laugh*

It doesn't look bad though...

Can we talk about Kuma-kun for a minute, we got in an argument earlier.

About...I'm not even really sure what.

He thinks that "the person that he fell for never existed."

That's not true...

Remember when I said that the person I was in the past would've killed to date someone like him?

It's because my personality used to be really different, he met me at a time when I was trying to go back to being that type of person.

But I only show those parts of my personality to people whom I'm really close to.

Otherwise, I'm cynical, skeptical, blunt, offensive, I question everything, and I enjoy making people cringe in discomfort.

He comes off as pretentious and idealistic (does that sound familiar?)

Because I used to be that way....

The point that we're at now, we naturally clash.

But I like the fact that I question everything, I like my cynicism, skepticism, my general dislike of other people, I don't like boxes and lines...fuck barriers and preprogrammed ways of thinking.

It's not that I'm not "sweet and caring" or whatever anymore, I just went back to being cautious and guarded.

Besides of course the fact that I'm still deeply hurt...

That whole experience just kinda made me revert back to putting up a lot of defenses.

I don't need his help or his advice, if he really wanted to help me then he would listen without judging me so much.

Maybe that just isn't in his nature...

I give up, he told me that I started an argument over nothing and then he quit talking to me.

I guess it doesn't really matter anymore.

*sigh*

Why the hell am I upset about this?

Because I had really hoped that we could be friends?

Southern Boy told me not to worry about it and then said something about "liberal faggots"

While we were at a restaurant I threw a straw at Mister J and instead it hit the guy sitting behind him, I was like oops...

(And Satan thinks I'm boring to eat with *laugh*)

Speaking of which, he called me and I missed it...actually it says I declined the call, but I swear it didn't even ring.

I have a craving for pickled mango (I'm aware of how weird that sounds).

In a lot of eastern countries it's perfectly common to pickle all kinds of fruits and vegetables.

Anyway, it's called torshi in Persian, and it's quite yummy with certain dishes.

Let's see...

I saw the Grand Budhapest Hotel, it was fantastic.

Some guy randomly came over and started flirting with me while I was at the theatre...it was strange and awkward, and stuff.

I bought a new brand of cat food, I'll let you know if it's any good.

I guess there's not much else to say.

In Between The Sheets

So I have pink hair now...

(Notice the cat in the background)

The salon's grand re-opening is on the 23rd during the car show...

I have major anxiety tonight and I have no clue why.

I was listening to Hit 'Em Up earlier, it reminded me of the night I learned how to take a proper bong rip, after chugging a water bottle full of vodka...and then getting my first lightshow ever, to Skrillex- Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites...makes me miss Catwoman and Satan.

Wanna hear about all the guys who suddenly miss me?

Southern Boy stayed up all night with me, talking about so much random shit (he's living in North Carolina again).

Satan was busy (which is code for either 'in a bad mood' or 'still mad that I missed his call two nights in a row').

Southern Boy was drunk tonight...meh, like usual, I guess.

I talked to Fork earlier too, he loves my hair and was also drunk.

He lost a bet and had to shave half of his head, I'm trying to convince him to get a Mohawk...

What else....?

That one guy I dated freshman year asked me how I was, said we should hang out sometime, and called me his "little sis" (I kinda do think of him like an older brother).

That one kid I dated junior year called me beautiful and said he's sure tons of hopeful nerds would want to play tabletop RPGs with me (he always flirts with me, so that's normal...but bleh).

And I've been talking to this other guy (I might've mentioned him before, but he's pretty bad at conversations so they die quickly), he's pretty chill though...if he sent me something other than one word answers.

Fork called me his lover today...but he always calls me "my love" and stuff like that, I guess it's not that weird.

I'm taking this pretty slow anyway....

Also since we're in the land of ex-boyfriends; that one kid that I dated a long time ago and then went on a few dates with last year has been talking to me...guess what?!

He's still a douchebag.

Some things never change, but I found a picture of us when we were like twelve years old and sent it to him...

I'm supposed to be doing laundry right now, but I got distracted.

Maybe I should just go to bed, since it's 2:00am.

What do AM and PM stand for anyway???

After-midnight and pre-midnight????

Like honestly.

My brain is tired, from discussing...literature, comics, economics, history, world culture, porn, 4chan, highschool, Meyers-Briggs personality profiles, human nature, Japanese language, cats, and a plethora of bad jokes; with Southern Boy...evidently.

(He's an INFP, in the event that you were curious).

I'm happy we've started talking again.

Um...I'm turning twenty at the end of this month.

And....I'm excited about Disneyland, but beyond that I could give a fuck about some day to mark how many pointless years I've spent on this planet.

Mister J says I'm a pessimist, not a realist.

I say that I need to stop drinking, Mister J says I'm "out of practice", Ivy says she thinks my liver is failing.

Who fucking knows?

Or cares for that matter...

I'm still wanting to write a post about manga, now is a good a time as any.

So Sukitte Ii Na Yo (did you catch all my previous dyslexic spelling errors?); I have a love/hate relationship with Megumi, I'm shipping Kai and Mei, and I'm waiting patiently for Chapter 44 to come out.

I was going to tell another story earlier (completely irrelevant, but because I've been listening to rap lately); about how The Jester discovered rap, it involved Newb...Satan and I thinking alike, and his infamous porch.

You do realize we won't talk for another month or a few, the anniversary of the day we met is coming up too (not that anyone needed to know that).

The energy has shifted, what I mean is the Mercury Retrograde or whatever weirdness was messing with the energy of our lives has gone away...I'm pretty sure everything is on its way back to normal.

I still have a scar on my knee from Kuma-kun's couch, of course I finally sat down and dealt with that breakup.

(It took me this long, because if I had tried to deal with it when it happened I would've had a nervous breakdown).

I haven't heard from him in awhile, doubt he still reads this, but I hope he's doing well.

Is that all?

Hmmm, I guess so...

Froze in Time Between Hearses & Caskets

I finally got my udon...

Sake too, and I tried octopus for the first time.

It was super yummy, nothing will ever be as good as roasted eel though.

I took a trip to the bookstore too (I can't believe my comics disappeared in storage *sad bunny*)

But here's what I got;

Mister J got a "Necronomicon" (the complete works of H.P. Lovecraft).

I really wanted a tabletop RPG, but I haven't found that many people who would play with me so far...if I could get a good group together this could work.

The bookstore has so much cool stuff, I wanted to buy everything.

Feel free to comment on how deeply immersed in nerdy subcultures and obsessive fandoms I am...

I'm not doing too great at quitting cigarettes and alcohol....not really quitting, just stopping temporarily.

This came on Pandora (it will forever remind me of when I first met Satan and we started dating all those years ago);

Shaking Like a Shitting Dog

I guess it's a good time to write.

Where to start?

I might be moving to San Francisco or Long Beach...

It's not for certain yet.

Ivy left this morning, I have nothing to say.

You know one time she quit talking to me for three months because I tried to tell her that everyone was calling her a whore behind her back.

But she says we're best friends...she's just lonely, we're all lonely.

Southern Boy keeps saying that he misses me, it's for the same reason that Satan talks to me still....we're all just lonely.

I think it's story time.

When I moved back to San Diego from Arizona I spent hours at his house every day, crashed there all the time...there was this one night that I convinced him to go to a bonfire with me (which is funny because he hates leaving the house for anything other than food), we were standing on the beach talking (just like the night we met); he said to me, "I don't know what you're thinking, but this isn't going to happen...I mean, I don't know what will happen in the future, but....."

He was still in love with his ex, texting her every night, talking about her all the time...that was the night that I gave up on him.

We haven't hung out much since that summer, some days things are easy between us, some days they're painful...over the years we've gotten better, it's mostly irrelevant.

Except that after that summer I gave up on dating altogether, I've been out with a lot of guys since then...but I never take guys seriously.

I thought I should give someone a chance, that's how I ended up with Kuma-kun; maybe that was stupid of me.

The thing about Kuma-kun is that at the time when I got together with him I didn't realize how much I had changed.

When I was in school I would've killed to date a guy like Kuma-kun...

Because back then that's what I needed, right now I need something...someone much different.

I'm getting too attached to Fork though, it scares me.

This made me happy though;

Guess who... *laugh*

There's a lot of movies I wanna see lately...the new Sin City is coming out in August, I wish I could find someone to go see it with me...

Also a new Seth Mcfarlane movie, and a new TMNT movie are coming out soon....

I wanna see Dom Hemingway too, and maybe this one period drama that looked really good.

Oh, Mister J got me this;

Adorable, right?

I'm so bored, bleh...

Mister J said that Fork is too much of an introvert for me and thinks that he won't be able to handle the wild part of my personality.

Maybe, I guess we won't know 'til we know.

I've been craving udon lately...

I was kinda thinking about writing this long post about Sukitte Ii Ya No, maybe another time though.

I've also been getting back into metal and goth fashion recently, it's weird...I miss it though.

And goth music; Cruxshadows, Nox Arcana, Theatre of Tradgedy....forgot how much I loved all them.

This is the product of my boredom;

Goodbye, Blue Monday!

Well, Satan tried to call me again last night (to be fair I messaged him first).

I passed out before he responded...I think he's getting annoyed that I keep falling asleep before he calls.

I've just been exhausted lately, dealing with life is fucking exhausting.

For the first time in years I haven't thought about Satan regularly, which is ironic because lately we've been talking more than we have in probably over two years.

Either I really like Fork, or I'm finally getting over all this bullshit.

Bullshit meaning love...

I'll always love him, but it might be time to just cut my losses and honestly give up.

I'm well aware of how many times I've said this in the past, but this time I feel it.

Fork tried to go to sleep last night and five minutes later I get this text, "I can't sleep, I just keep thinking about you :p"

So he called me and then he said my voice is soothing, so he made me sing him a song...I was so embarrassed, I could've died.

Ivy says her husband won't let her come see me one last time before she leaves, it's her own damn fault for letting someone control her entire life for her.

Still...I can't shake the feeling that I'm probably not going to see her again, it's depressing.

Mister J doesn't know if he's gonna take the job in Alaska...I have mixed feelings about it.

It might be fun to live in my own, but since I hate being alone it'll probably be terrifying.

Fork would probably come stay with me for a bit, but that's still six months that I can't just have someone there all the time.

I slept almost twelve hours last night, but I feel like I've slept off all the craziness of the last few days.

I've been reading Sukitte Ii Na Yo lately, it's so good...ahhh, my brain is just exploding.

Fork sent me a pic from his old MySpace today, so I took a look at my old one...

Soooo, have some pictures from my goth girl days;

Ennui of a Midnight Wanderer

Why did Satan call me???

(He called at like 1:00am)

Then he sent me a message saying "Why u do dis? -__-"

Do what?!

I guess I'll find out when he wakes up...

I was too busy sleeping off my hangover, so I missed his call.

Today is the anniversary of Fork's daughters death, I wish I could drive up there and cuddle with him so he could sleep off his sorrow; but I'll have to do my best from over here.

Ivy is leaving on Friday, she was crying when she dropped me off...so many memories have been taking up residence in my brain lately.

I think she'll end up staying with her husband permanently, but it's her life...

We were talking about me dating, she said that I "attract the weirdos".

All the guys I've dated have been pretty weird, but it works for me.

Mister J says someday I'll find someone who honestly loves me, loves all my little quirks...maybe.

Ivy's husband got ADTR stuck in my head.

I like the way her husband drives, we were racing around the parking lot and he found one of those electric handicap scooters and was trying to do donuts....Ivy was pissed when we showed back up (we were waiting for her to finish in the store).

Now that I think about it, she was always an uptight bitch and everybody liked her because she was a hot redhead.

I love her like family though, even if we disagree on everything.

Mister J wants to take me to Disney Land for my birthday; my friends used to go all the time, but I haven't been since I was four.

I kinda wanna just be totally insane for the next month, before I'm officially no longer a teenager.

Mister J might be taking a job where he's gone for six months at a time, I'm not sure how I feel about living on my own...

And this made me think of Kuma-kun;

I don't know if you can read the print, but it says, "Please make sure you treat your girlfriend differently than everyone else. Nothing makes a girlfriend more insecure than a boyfriend who's kind to everyone."

I couldn't explain that to him when we broke up, wasn't sure how to put it eloquently.

This is very true though, which is why I like Fork so much...even if he doesn't talk to me for hours I don't really feel any insecurity, because I know he likes me and misses me when we don't talk.

Pretty much the same with Satan, he's always loved me and I've always known that.

When a guy doesn't seem like he has strong feelings for you it's harder to believe that he loves you.

Mister J said that there's few guys who honestly value their significant others, and if I ever find one who does value me on a deep emotional level I should try to keep him.

We all know it's much more likely that I end up an old cat lady in a creaky old house, alone for the rest of my days on this earth.

But I hope to have many lovers, and adventurous romances...chance encounters in smoky hotel rooms, passion and fire...short-lived is the best, because you don't have to be attached to anything or anyone.

Oh, did I mention that Fork is INTP?

So what do I have to say about finally meeting someone who is like I am?

This is scary, Ivy says that I'm trying to run because I really like him....she knows me so well.

I owe her a cake, because she was right ten times.

(Actually I think it's 14-1 now)

So I was finally right about something...