Grab A Shotgun, It's The Apocalypse

Fuck my brain...

Because all I want to do is watch Sex and The City reruns while eating chocolate.

Once a month every girl turns into a cunt, no matter how logical she normally is.

Someone is going to call me a misogynist for blaming my bad mood on PMS.

But isn't it scientifically true that women are over-emotional?

And only hermits like myself understand how difficult it is to tell another person how you're feeling.

Which is why The Jester and I didn't talk for six months that one time...

We're both reclusive introverts who couldn't figure out how to simply say "I miss you."

Or when Satan and I would fight, neither of us would say what we were actually thinking; we would just yell at each other over nothing, instead of just stating how we feel.

It always took so much courage for either of us to admit what we were really feeling or thinking.

And I'm still like this...

So that's why my friends are just as anti-social as I am, equally as stubborn too.

Kuma-kun doesn't get it, I think he's frustrated by it.

Mister J said that guys can't read me, because I come off as aloof.

But I just can't get the words out, which is why I used to write letters when I was pissed off.

I can't physically say what I'm thinking.

"Fucking shit" and other swear words is normally what comes out when I try to talk about my emotions.

I don't tell people my problems either, because who really gives a fuck?

I'd rather just deal with my own bad mood than listen to a slew of cookie-cutter advice and "if you ever need anything, honey"....(insert generic condolences)

Being in a relationship kind of makes this behaviour impossible and counterproductive.

The whole point of this is to have someone to share everything with, right?

That means good, bad, trivial, and cataclysmic...

I used to be really outgoing and open about my feelings, but after a lifetime being reprimanded for them I stopped.

I'm being irrational and unfair to Kuma-kun, it took me this long to see this shit.

But the only relationship I was ever serious about was with a person who is exactly the same way that I am.

This whole communication thing is brand new, I understand it in theory...in execution, not so much.

It's all fine to say "I need to be more honest with my significant other," but when I try to...my brain shuts down.

Then I start resorting to old habits, which have done nothing but screw me over.

I really love Kuma-kun, with my entire soul.

But changing a lifetime worth of learned traits doesn't happen overnight.

Not Fucking Around

Another post?

Because I can't seem to do anything...

I'm either getting really bad advice mixed with my own paranoia, or...I don't want to consider the alternative.

Mister J is just trying to protect me, but he's validating my own fears.

It's not that he doesn't like Kuma-kun, he just doesn't want to see me get hurt by another guy.

And I'm already kinda hurt....

Kuma-kun is barely talking to me and I'm having more emotional distress over our sex life.

When I spent the night with him I just wanted to go to sleep, but I felt like he wanted to do other shit...so I gave in.

I'm too goddamn complacent about these things.

This is making me feel like he's just another guy who just wants sex from me.

I'm really upset over it, because I honestly wanted to wait longer in general for all this stuff.

I feel like I've fucked myself over again.

Sad kitten.

Also how is he so busy, like what the Hell is he doing, that he has so little time to send me a quick message?

It's not only that, his energy seems really different...even on Saturday it seemed a little off.

I can't fucking figure it out.

Is the honeymoon period over?

Is he merely stressed out?

Am I simply paranoid as all Hell due to my plethora of bad experiences?

My instinct as always is flight...

I'm ignoring that because I want this relationship to work, but I don't know what to do.

He's too busy for me to even talk to him about it.

So out of all the random people who decided to message me, Satan is the one who managed to cheer me up.

If nothing else he's always been there for me, for the smallest things even when we were fighting...even when he was being an asshole.

And that's why we're still friends....

But people like Satan and The Jester always cheer me up, because they understand my reclusiveness.

They have the same moods that I do, so they get it.

About Kuma-kun...I think he's even tired of hearing "I love you."

I told Mister J that I'm "over it."

He knows that's just my defenses going up, he told me that I have to learn to deal with relationships.

I would rather just put up some nice, solid walls...go back to being apathetic.

Have I arrived at detachment again?

Rather than suffer the agony of my own heart?

Hiding behind emotional defenses if far safer...

Mister J questioning all of Kuma-kun's motives is making me just a little crazy.

Because those are the same questions I ask upon entering any relationship.

I'm waiting for Kuma-kun to prove me wrong.

He's so full of lovely words...to console my mind.

But what about something tangible?

So far he's shown me that he's good at taking care of people, that he's busy often, and that he doesn't like to wait for sex.

Should I mention that it seems like most of his friends are girls?

*laugh*

Now that is probably my paranoia...since I'm not used to guys who have any female friends at all, well except the ones that they're trying to bone.

I can't figure out what is actuality, what is my past experiences, and what is simply typical paranoia.

Is this seriously what all girls go through?!

Because it's a fucking nightmare.

Summer, 2013

Jun.4.13

2:19 AM

I'm so high, and I love it.

Why?

Because "I can't feel a fucking thing."

And it's "better if I don't remember anything."

I never write anymore, aside from the occasional ranting blog entry.

It's been so long since I've wanted to write, it feels really good.

Jun.5.13

I am a person.

Who no longer writes poetry...

And I wake up with this sick feeling all the time.

I've gained tons of weight and I've started biting my nails again.

Now tell me, what's wrong with me?

Jun.7.13

The reason I started watching anime again was because I needed help with life; I always learned the best life lessons from it.

Jun.8.13

Stupid Bitch has no respect for living beings.

I don't really wanna explain, since I'm already mad.

And her fucking attitude every time things don't go her way.

There's more serious shit that goes on in the world for her to whine about every little thing.

She needs to fucking think before she does or says anything; she's so senseless, as if her life will be this easy forever.

Hardly.

I don't want her to fucking talk to me, because I'm really about to flip a bitch...literally.

July.13

Um, hi.

I haven't had phone service in months.

Mister J talks like he single-handedly raised me, and supposedly the reason that I act like I was born into high society is because of him.

Of course he doesn't realize that really that is due to my grandmother raising me and the fact that I'm descended from royalty.

Besides he met me when I was already ten years old, you can hardly call that him raising me by himself.

There was already ten years of adults who had already influenced my life before he even knew that I existed.

And I don't believe he would know or understand true "high society" if it bit him in the behind.

Furthermore, I spent half of middle school with my dad anyway...

So Mister J really only raised me through the end of middle school through high school.

He's so proud to be a parent that I couldn't bear to say any of this to him for fear of causing him any emotional distress.

Sometimes I think I give him too much credit, and sometimes he thinks he knows me better than he really does.

In actuality I believe parts of my personality are difficult for him to understand and we're too close for his psychoanalysis to be objective.

I wish he would let go of all his predispositions about me and get to know the person that I am right now.

I often fear that no one will ever give me an honest chance to be anything.

Everyone has their opinion, but who wants to know the truth?

I can't think of a single person who wants an honest chance to be my friend, no one really wants to know me and this pains me.

They say, "No man is an island."

Indeed we are not.

My loneliness saddens me greatly.

What is life when there is not a soul to share your triumphs and follies with?

The thing that I need most in my life right at this moment is simply a friend.

This is what the average person would call "shit outta luck."

July.17.13

I'm nervous that I won't get my license by the time my permit expires.

And, "I had a dream I was a vigilante sidekick, my name is Tim, I am a lesser known character."

The only reason I think Amber wants to be my friend is because she has some stupid crush on Mister J and fancies herself his girlfriend.

It's ridiculous...

I doubt she'll ever display anything other than stupidity; but I'll still give her a chance, because I'm trying to become a nicer person.

The truth is I just can't give a fuck about anyone right now.

I have no desire to be around people who are literally always on hardcore drugs.

I.E. Amber

It seems like she only wants to get clean in order to win over Mister J.

If she doesn't want it for herself then she'll never be able to do it, besides the jokes on her...Mister J isn't even the slightest bit interested in her.

"What does it matter? It doesn't matter. Hey, kids, what have we got? Not a lot; so, what?"

Can you tell that I miss Ska?

(I don't really listen to music anymore.)

People are fucking annoying, I don't know why I ever wanted friends.

Oh, and one more thing; last night Amber said she would work on being quieter when standing outside my window (on the patio), this morning she was out there basically screaming...

July.19.13

July Nineteenth, Two Thousand Thirteen.

...My excuse?

I just don't care...

Until everyone else takes a look at themselves in order to assuage all their defects, I won't give a damn.

Because why should I change to suit the whims of others; especially when no one else would change, even to better themselves.

Thank God for miracles; I've believed in them my whole life.

They've saved me from catastrophe, or maybe I created them myself.

I have a lot of misplaced anxiety all the time, the pot helps...

But I feel like I need to be medicated sometimes, when I'm depressed it's like my brain and body completely shut down.

I run on auto-pilot and become a different person.

Weed balances my brain, so I feel like myself.

When I smoke, even just a small amount, it zaps my depression and I'm functional again.

I'm functional when I'm happy too, but I haven't been happy in years.

I mean, I do my best writing while sitting on the toilet...

What does that tell you?

Mister J has been in a two year long, slow descent into midlife crisis.

Amber is on my last nerve, so I've decided to take her level of immaturity into account, and treat her like I was her senpai.

I'm hoping for the best, as I did with all the freshmen I adopted in high school.

I'm less stressed out about it now, since it's not just me here with her all day.

Finally someone else beholds the injustice of the things that have transpired.

Somehow I just like to have this acknowledged, it makes me feel better about all the transgressions that have been committed.

July.21.13

Mister J is on my nerves, I wish he would just go away sometimes.

He comes waking me up, reeking strongly, and lecturing me about things that I have already thought of and planned.

As if just because everyone else is naturally irresponsible, I will be too.

I really wish I could slap him sometimes, thank you for being rude and inconsiderate...

I'm glad that preaching is more important than my sleep, I'm going to kill myself.

July.22.13

Ms. Hill seems to think that Mister J has brainwashed me into thinking that Amber is a horrible person.

Little does she know that when we first moved here, he was the one who was defending her because I thought she was an absurd excuse for a human being.

"Sorry, sweetheart, you don't deserve a number..."

But seriously it was brash to say that Amber wants to share my place in Mister J's life.

It's not any of her business and isn't it his decision who he wants in his life?

Is everyone in this house either crazy or completely moronic?

Amber needs to worry about herself and stop trying to chase after someone who will never return her feelings.

Ms. Hill needs to butt out of other people's business and stop trying to defend a person who is so clearly in need of a wake up call....

Mister J needs to control his pointless anger and overwhelming anxiety, because it's going to make his life needlessly miserable.

And as for me, I need to be less pretentious and possibly more straightforward...

Although I'm not sure that it would have been a good idea to be blatantly honest in this situation.

I really would love to tell Amber that she's stupid, ridiculous, offensive to my morals, and oh, so, rude...

And I would be ecstatic to tell Ms. Hill that as much as I enjoy her company, she doesn't know everything and she shouldn't concern herself with things that she's not actually involved in.

The level of immaturity in this house is astounding.

And finally I would like to tell Mister J that although his personality is understandable, it doesn't excuse his behaviour in the slightest.

I suppose I can rest easy knowing that at least this virtual notebook has witnessed all the instances that vex me.

The immaturity is what really gets to me; are we suddenly back in high school?

All this "he said, she said" is total crap.

And what's with these two acting like they're "tweenagers" anyway?

I could go on like this for quite awhile...

Can you tell that I'm kind of, really offended?

But again, are you thirteen years old?

Get over it.

One more thing; nobody fucking takes me seriously.

Ms. Hill says that we're all adults, but when it comes to serious shit she talks to me like I'm so young and naïve; as if I couldn't possibly understand anything of consequence.

But you can always use underestimation to your advantage.

And I've decided that if people are stupid enough not to recognize the way the world really is, then they deserve everything that happens to them.

So, if Ms. Hill is dumb enough to think that I'm just another teenager with the mental capacity of an ordinary person, then I'm going to use it...

I'm going to pretend that I'm sweet and that I look up to her, and she's going to continue to respond the way that I want her to.

Not that I've lied about anything or done anything bad...

I merely haven't displayed that I've already figured her out, developed my own opinions concerning all the situations at hand, and appropriated a proper course of action for any situation that arises.

Ultimately none of this is any of my business and I don't even want to be involved in all this nonsense.

What happens between Mister J and Amber is none of my concern...

And if Ms. Hill wants to be nosy, that's her business.

She's too self-absorbed and Amber is too stupid, to have any clue what's really going on.

Why should I be the one to "break the news?"

I think I'd rather be an evil villainess in real life, being a protagonist is for video games and novels.

I suppose I shouldn't mention that I had a huge problem with Amber's desire to date Mister J from the beginning.

And there was something about her that I didn't like from the first night I met her...

I know she's not right for Mister J anyway, I know him well enough to know that this is a fact.

Who wants to live with someone whose personality makes them feel, literally, homicidally insane?

Think about it.

Anyway, enough ranting.

Shabekhar. Bon nuit. Ciao, bella.

July.13

I have the perfect bone structure to be a model, if only I was a couple of inches taller.

Girls with really unique bone structure always get to model haute couture.

If I was taller I could've been the next Magdalena Frackowiak.

How depressing...

Anyway, I started having nightmares again last night.

It's a shame really, since I slept so well the night before.

I guess a peaceful sleep is what happens when you play Fable III until four in the morning.

I wish I could drown myself in a video game, go to the alternate universe of Albion and become a crime fighting princess...

It's a crappy game anyway, I don't even know why I'm playing.

Because it's already on the hard-drive, and my disc drive is broken.

*sigh*

Life can be tragic when reality is so unstable.

Some days I wake up and don't even feel like living.

It's funny that everyone here is so dysfunctional when they're under the influence.

I'm not sure if funny is the word that I should use...

But I'm actually more functional when I've smoked or drank a little bit.

Seriously.

I took some psychological survey yesterday; it turns out that I'm schizoid, schizotypal, and OCD.

What's new?

My head hurts so I'm going to go clean and play video games.

By the way, Mister J has been flirting with this gorgeous Russian girl online.

*grin*

She likes Tchaikovsky and Mozart, and she cooks Russian pancakes.

I wish he would bring her here and marry her, I'm not even joking.

This girl is perfect, she looks like Alena Shishkova...and she sounds like the sweetest person in he world from her emails to him.

I would have no objection to him dating a girl like that, or even marrying her.

Aug.7.13

I have a great sense of loss when it comes to life; people, places, things...

Nouns on paper.

Little holes in my paper thin heart.

Letting go of those lost nouns seems to be the key to mental peace, but it's difficult when everything you care about goes missing.

I suppose this is how people find themselves; with nothing to hold on to, what do you have left?

Aug.14.13

My mom texted Grandpa...

What am I supposed to say to her?

"Jeremy has finally cracked and sent himself to rehab, I'm living with Grandpa."

Actually that might not go over so badly...or it might go over terribly.

You never know with my mother...

Fable glitched pretty bad and I'm what a gal would call "über pissed."

The Xbox is on its deathbed anyway.

I haven't been sleeping well, the "honeymoon period" is over and my life has returned to stagnancy.

I found two whole dollars in my pants, how excited I was...

Unfortunately, I couldn't find "Reaver's unmentionables" (another glitch)

This game glitches as much as Skyrim.

I never thought I'd miss Skyrim so much, my life is so terribly boring.

Anyway, I must chase down my sleep, so that I may carry on to the best of my meager abilities.

P.S. I'm pretty sure I've never seen a black man use pomade; where has Cliff been living for the last fifty years?

Aug.14.13

Every time I close my eyes, I end up on Voltaire Street.

Is it possible that I could be homesick for Ocean Beach?

Nov.10.13

Well, "Here it is again, yet it stings like the first time..."

What do you want me to say?

Nothing has changed, I just feel older.

Catwoman is crazy, Satan is not good for me, Mister J is "suppressing rage, motherfucker," I'm confronted with extreme ignorance on a daily basis, and I'm left with a handful of real friends....

None of whom can help me, because my life is a nightmare of the most astounding proportions...it seems no force on earth or heaven could help me now.

I'm cold, my hair is tangled, and hope is hard to come by.

Maybe everything will work out, or maybe I'll take a bullet in the head...

Who's to say?

I found more blog entries from last year, I think I might post them...

Too Tired For Something Interesting

*sigh*

I miss Kuma-kun, and I'm all worried about him because he's all stressed out and stuff.

Last night some girl called me a misogynist because I said that I'm often disappointed in the behaviour of my own gender for acting like floozies.

But honestly so many women throughout history have gone through Hell for girls these days to have their heads stuck up their asses.

But being logical and straightforward are important things in my world.

I got really fired up and the debate lasted for hours...

We never agreed, so we parted ways in a polite manner.

I almost used the word copacetic, but I'm laughing too hard...

I won't explain why.

I just bought nail polish remover, but I'm not sure what I did with it...so there's little purple flakes everywhere.

I don't even know what I wanted to write about...

The world isn't prepared for my awesomeness.

I can't quit sneezing.....

I have this really long, elaborate, complicated plan in order to make some sense of my life.

But I'm starting to feel more like myself, whoever that is.

Je rigole!

Although truthfully I just hate winter, every year I go through this ridiculous depression and it lasts from September all the way through January.

Like fucking clockwork.

A psychiatrist told me once that I should surround myself with people that I like and do things that I love.

I wonder if that would help at all....

Either way, my depression for the year is finally pretty much over.

Thank the Nine that it's almost Spring.

If you're wondering, I try to fit in Skyrim references everywhere I possibly can.

I'm thinking that I'll actually celebrate Beltaine, Ostara, and Nouruz this year; because those are my favorite holidays, of course with the exception of Samhain.

It's funny that my religious tendencies are a bizarre mix of Zoroastrian and Wiccan, with a tiny bit of traditional Native American.

But spirituality is what it is without all the bullshit labels of conventional religion.

And Zoroastrianism runs deep in my veins, since my bloodline is literally ancient.

Mister J says that's why I'm sensitive to energies...

Oh, anyhow, back to Beltaine and Nouruz.....

I really would love to go up to LA/Irvine for Nouruz, because how amazing would that be?

And I'm going to set up the little table with the coins and eggs and fish...I love Persian traditions, there's so much symbolism.

I'll make salmon and Sabzi Polo...

I'm so excited!

And for Beltaine I'm sure I could find a local celebration, although they're unlikely to have naked fire dancing.

Which is why I would love to see Beltaine in the UK.

I lost my altar candles when I moved a few years ago, I was so depressed about it that I stopped celebrating holidays altogether.

Really after all that chaos the universe misplaced tons of my stuff, but I've learned that you have to let go of things.

Today I'm in a good mood, I'm not sure why...

I woke up with The Cure stuck in my head and I've been cuddling with Mer all day.

I'm not even sure what I'm talking about anymore...

I need to wash my car at some point, and Mister J is going to bring me mechanic gloves.

So I'm really excited about that.

What else?

I've been thinking about getting into cosplay, but I never go to conventions...so maybe?

We'll see how that idea goes.

My brain is so all over the place that I'll have moved on to something else before this is even a reality.

That's just how I am, I get around to things in my own time.

INTP Personalities & Emotions

"Fe seeks social connections and creates harmonious interactions through polite, considerate, and appropriate behavior. Fe responds to the explicit (and implicit) wants of others, and may even create an internal conflict between the subject’s own needs and the desire to meet the needs of others.^[16] Fe drives the INTP to desire harmony in community. At their most relaxed, INTPs can be charming and outgoing among friends, or when they have a clearly defined role in the group. When under stress, however, INTPs can feel disconnected from the people around them, unable to use their extraverted Feeling to reach out to others. As their inferior function, Feeling can be a weak point; when threatened they will hide behind a wall of stoic logic. This can lead them to bottle up their emotions to preserve reason and harmony; but a failure to deal with these concealed emotions can lead to inappropriate outbursts."

Completely accurate.

In The Room Downstairs I Sat Instead

"If I seem strange, that's because I am."

I still have Unloveable by The Smiths stuck in my head.

And my kooch is still bleeding...don't ask why...

Because I don't know why.

Should I be concerned?

This doesn't even seem normal.

I want more peach green tea...

I'm still reading about INTP personalities...I guess my preference for perceiving is only slightly higher than judging.

Oh, INTP stands for Introversion, iNtuition, Thinking, Perception.

It's one of sixteen personality types that a person can possibly fall under.

I used to be really emotional, I think it's funny that living with Mister J for the last couple of years just killed that part of my personality.

For example when I stole that Copper Sulphate from The Jester and tried to kill myself.

What I didn't tell anyone is that five minutes before I dumped the bottle down my throat, Satan had said something that made me cry.

Everyone asked what the trigger was...I lied obviously, because I was aware of my own stupidity.

Emotions are pointless.

I'm glad I no longer hold emotions in any sort of esteem, but disregarding them completely seems counterproductive.

I just remembered that the pink slip for Mister J's truck is still in my name.

It's ridiculous how much responsibility I got pinned with a few months ago.

And even after all my talk of clawing my way out from under, I'm still just waiting for things to happen.

So much has happened the last few years, I haven't really taken any time to think about all of it...

Because my life is always an endless stream of crazy, sometimes I just forget to take a step back.

Often my life feels surreal, because all the things that tend to happen are so abnormal.

"This can't really be my life, but how could this have even possibly happened."

I've been in a philosophical mood lately.

In a state of contrived happiness...

I'd assume that since no one is ever naturally happy, perhaps this is the best I could ask for.

And as always a definition suits my purposes better than real feelings.

'Happy; adj. Delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing.

Characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy.

Favored by fortune, fortunate or lucky.'

This proves that it's all just based on perception.

There's no concrete way to test joy or luck...

Well, I guess the brain does release chemicals that make a person happy, but it's all relative.

Emotions are counterintuitive to logic, but are still required to function in life.

I know these thought patterns are pretty atypical for my age and gender...

But I like myself better this way, and people are in a constant state of evolution.

There may come a point where I can find a balance between emotional and logical.

Why do I feel like I've been here before?

Because I'm pretty sure a couple of years ago I was sitting on Satan's couch with Catwoman, debating this idea of logos and pathos in my own head.

Had I voiced my thoughts out loud?

Satan would have just given me one of his looks...

And Catwoman would have probably stated something about how absolutely important emotions are.

She just never got it...

Neither of them did.

Why the Hell were they my friends for so many years?

Both of them just always pissed me off to the point of uncomfortable silences.

How did I never realize this before?

Because I was preoccupied with exuding cool...

*laugh*

Sunglasses and lots of eyeliner, a mask....

Laughing at the right moment, memorizing slang, trying to pretend that I could roll a blunt and do snaps without choking.

And drowning my liver in whiskey.

This is better though?

Detachment?

I'm happier without playing a part in a life that isn't my own.

I think Ivy wanted to give me a new nickname..."because Bunny is kinda old."

"Yeah, nobody calls me that anymore."

I remember when no one even knew my real name...

But I was always exhausted by playing a persona.

Never felt like my friendships were real, just in an endless state of feeling out of place in my own life.

How do I feel now?

I don't...

Feel anything.

All my feelings are more like side-effects of situations.

I'm not cold-hearted, but I really can't explain it.

*sigh*

We'll talk more about my presumed apathy later...

The personality test told me that the best romantic partner for me is an intuitive extrovert.

I can see how that would be the case, it makes perfect sense.

"Had to say I love you way too soon, but right there on your couch you loved me too."

Is it weird that I prefer Dan Andriano over Matt Skiba?

I just love his voice, and his songwriting invokes such strong emotions...

I mean Matt can write, but I feel like Dan's songs resonate more with me.

Although we all know that every single song on that one album made me cry my eyes out...not literally, but almost.

What album was it?

Maybe I'll Catch Fire...?

I can't remember.

I'm still going to get that tattoo, I'm determined that it should be my first one.

I'm sure there's always more to say, especially now that my sense of being out of time has dissipated...

The greatest realization that I've had is that life is quite long.