July, 15, 2012

I wish that certain people would let go of grudges, particularly my step-dad....you see, once upon a time, a lot of things happened with Satan....
We've both grown up, yet my step-dad has a lingering grudge....
Could we ever fix something that has been destroyed so completely?

I wished that I could have a movie scene where the protagonist walks into a church and suddenly finds the person that they always were.
And then I heard the church bells, the pastor beckoned me inside.
Somehow, although I've never been Catholic or even Christian, his sermon gave me strength to forgive myself, to love the world again, and to let go of all the wrong that has transpired.

I'm letting my sweet boy go; as much as I cherished standing at his stove, he was fiddling with the dials....his arm around my waist.
His proclamation that my step-dad has reason to hate who he was in the past, because he hated who he was too.
His belief that if he ever was to meet my step-dad again that they would get along.
Secrets are what binds me to this pain, terrible secrets.
I have gained insight to my own demons and acceptance of those things that can't hold power over me anymore.
I'm letting him go, I'm letting the secrets go, the lies about who I am....about who I was.
I give it to the god that I now have faith in.

July, 9, 2012

"Real writers don't grow up with a white picket fence"...all of my crazy experiences will make a good novel one day.
I can't help but feel like I should appreciate what life has taught me, I wouldn't be this wonderful person with all my quirks and flaws if I would've had a "white picket fence."

July, 8, 2012

I met a real life bro-hoe tonight....
And I'm letting him go; just because I'll always love him, doesn't mean I should be with him.
I can dance, listen to Bad Religion, smoke on the porch, and stare at the stars.
The alkaline trio is like a home for my heartache, and I look to find that I have no tears left to spend on a past-life.
Coffeehouses....indie music, bets for the sake of broadway, campfires, peeing in the woods, drinking half a bottle of whiskey, typical teenage douche-bags, preppy girls, the stars on a string, a sense of longing for things that will never become my reality, deliberate ignorance....
Something tells me that I'll be able to pick up the pieces of my broken universe, that maybe I can fix the world that has collapsed around me....

June, 29, 2012

What do you do when your life starts to fall apart?
Homeless, jobless, with a broken heart, and no family to speak of....what can I do now?
I can't hold things together....I couldn't do it if my life depended on me....
So this is how the story ends...

June, 28, 2012

I forgot how he makes my heart stop, I can't help it.....after so many years I still fall for him every time.
It's the way he speaks, the way he looks at me, his mannerisms.
I return to dismay and regret, to bitter heartbreak; if only to look into his eyes for one more moment of my life.
How could I do this to myself again?
Just to hear him laugh, to feel him hold my hand, to breathe him in; I should have let him go, life is strange in that way.
As if everyone I knew could predict what I wouldn't dare to dream.
I wonder if I make too much of silly things....

June, 24, 2012

So I went back to San Diego for a few days, I forgot how many good friends I actually have....
And I saw a certain someone....guess who....Satan, 4 hours of playful teasing, flirtation and cuddling.
He's really grown up, and I found myself falling for him again as he kissed my cheek and nearly fell asleep with my head on his chest....he respected my boundaries and was sweet and sincere.
He even gave my a gentle kiss as we said our goodbyes.
But now my heart and head are both a terrible mess, and I wonder if all this was merely because he's lonely....or if that look he gave me as he brushed my hair from my face meant something.
Did he feel that connection too?
The same connection from years ago, when time around could cease to exist when we looked into each other's eyes....
I felt that same uncertainty and gentleness from him that I used to before I unwittingly broke his heart.
He gave me those same intense looks that belong only in movies...
I wish I could make sense of all this, but maybe we're like the characters in the novel The Solitude of Prime Numbers; doomed to be in love, with the paths of our lives moving in the same direction, yet never crossing.

June, 12, 2012

So my best-friend just went to a strip club for the first time....without me, because she and all my friends graduated today....without me.
Because I graduated a month ago, in a place that is so very different from anything I've ever known.
I can't figure out why I ever thought that spending my Senior year this far from home was a good idea. Why I didn't realize that I'd miss out on football games, AP psychology, AP lit, prom, grad night, graduation, and my best friend's 18th birthday....
So now I'm here, with no friends, spending my summer watching Disney movies and perusing the internet 'til 2 am....
When do I get to go home?
And what will I find when I get back?
....and why do I suddenly feel like the protagonist of The Odyssey?
"The world has changed....much of once was is lost, for none now live who remember it."
I haven't become a anti-social nerd....okay, maybe just a little.
Call of Duty and Skyrim have saved me from death by boredom within the last few weeks.
Look at the Infamous Bunny now, wasting time playing video games and being depressed over the fact that her life collapsed on her....I guess sometimes you just can't win.