Friday- May, 13

I'm bored and delsuional, I guess....but "it's a-okay if it makes you feel alright"
Well, I guess this is what happens when you smoke weed.
I miss those days, days so far away.
Boys are so dumb.
Another radom boy or two, and the boy with green eyes.
Flirting is a good way to assuage boredom.
And Satan skating off into the sunset...

Silver Screens Don't Always Have A Silver Lining

What can I say?
I sometimes go visit my Math Teacher from last year.
I was in his room today and my Physics Teacher from Freshman year walked in, talking about some kid ditching class.
The Math Teacher replied something like, 'he's so smart, if we could just help him.'
The Physics Teacher leaves and I say, "It's always the smart ones"
He agreed with me and then said, "Yeah, you and your alcohol last year. We'll just call it the incident."
It's funny 'cause he was like that too in highschool, that's probably why I still visit him.
He said, "But I never got caught," he laughed.
I almost said something about depression, but I stopped myself; I left.
Me and my incidents, they play out like they should be on the Lifetime Movie Network.
If my life was a movie I'd want it to be on IFC or Sundance.
I'd want to be one of those artsy independent films.
I have issues....
A boy with green eyes once said to me, "Yeah, but you don't have trouble talking."
He thought he knew me, he still has no idea.
I'm trying....I made the first step today.
I opened up to a friend of mine.
There was this one time that I got in a fight with my mom and I was bleeding on my pink sweater, and I ran down the hall to his door.
It was around seven in the evening, I held back tears long enough for him to open the door.
He talked to me for over two hours, he gave me chocolate cake and red wine in a Disney cup.
The next day I dropped off every journal that I've had since 8th grade on his doorstep.
He never read them.
We're still close, but I've gradually lost faith in him.
Once in awhile he tells me that he wants to be with me.
If he truly does, then I wonder if he knows that this is his last chance.

Sex and Lies in San Diego

Hmmm, it's just something that I have to say....to no one in particular.
I'm a pathological liar, but I have my reasons.
No one needs to know what's really gone on in my life.
I'm hiding the bad, the not so good and everything in-between.
Some of the lies were to cover up other lies, some of them were to cover up the sad or scandalous truth.
Now my entire life is one big lie.
And no one will ever know.
It's true that you have to acknowledge the past before you can forget it.
I've just recently began to unearth all the things I've buried, it's been a long process.
I used to dwell on everything that happened between Satan and me, because I was trying to distract myself from everything else.
I lost my virginity in a hotel room, not to Satan, not even to a guy that I liked.
I lost my virginity to a guy who was almost thirty.
I just layed there, stoned out of my mind, listening to some angsty punk music that I put on just so that it wasn't quiet.
I've felt terrible since then.
I've felt terrible since I screwed that twenty-five year old on his living room floor, I've felt terrible since I let Satan guilt-trip me into giving him head; I've felt terrible for a long time, about a lot of different things.
But truth is that you can't change the past.
I wanted one goddamn person to love me, just one.
One person who is always there for me, who helps me grow without criticizing me, someone understanding, who I'm happy to see.
I don't believe in love anymore, I'm not the person I used to be.
I'm not innocent, sweet, kind, or anything like that; I can't be.
I've been ridiculed by my peers my entire life.
When I'd go to birthday parties or even at my own birthday parties I was always an outcast.
Always crying, when I turned nine all my friends locked themselves in my room and wouldn't let me in.
When I turned six my cousins completely ignored me at my birthday party.
I had no friends in fourth and part of fifth grade, because I went to a rich school and I was socially awkward.
Because I had never gone to a school for more than a year and half the time I didn't go to school at all.
I sat under this big tree and read during recess, I convinced myself that books like Harry Potter and Lord of The Rings were real.
I escaped into my own delusions.
A shrink once told my parents that I lived in a fantasy world, it was true.
My mom criticized me for this, and she criticized me for everything else.
Why didn't I tell the shrink this, the court mediator that, my dad something, and why did I do anything.
Why was I even breathing?
My mom used to ground me from reading and writing, I don't remember why she ever grounded me.
I didn't have chores or anything, and I was too young to do anything bad.
My grandmother was always my only friend.
So what happened when I couldn't see her or after she died?
Well, with no father and a crazy mother I did what any teenage girl would do.
I went and found some boy to love me.
And when he screwed me over I found another one, and when I got sick of it I popped pills.
I thought my step-dad was gonna save me, because he couldn't stand living with my mom.
He said he was gonna take me with him, he's been saying that since I was twelve.
I'm seventeen now; they're still together, still unhappy.
I thought Satan was gonna save me, because he was like me.
He had been screwed over by parents and girls, and we were so good together.
Like we just belonged, it felt right.
My step-dad (who I thought I could trust) messed that up, but I don't think Satan could've saved me anyway.
You have to save yourself, no one else can.
It always goes this way, I hope it gets better though.
Everytime my mom talks about my future I have to hold back my thoughts.
I don't know how to tell her that what she wants is impossible, and that she's partially to blame for it.
I mostly just feel sorry for my mother, because she'll never really open her mind to anything.
She will live off her regrets, and the memory of people who have wronged her.
She will spew liberal political propaganda onto anyone willing to listen, and she will shut out the words of her only child....because she doesn't want to accept that her daughter is different than she wanted her to be.
Life isn't a novel, so I won't quote any novels; but it's pretty damn close, so I'll quote myself.
"Everything changes, nothing stays the same forever, you get through it one way or another, so just don't cry, don't you dare cry."
And I swear I won't cry, I'll never cry about the past again.

Books, Books, Books

Chloe doe
The hours
Every last one- anna quindlen
Compound
Sonia rodriguez
Religion in a free society- hook
The crucible
Catcher in the rye
Saint iggy
Koolaid acid test
Dave edgars
Don quixote
100 years of solitude
Ken robinson
Gabriel garcia

Awhile Ago

I'm pretty much drinking myself to death, but that's okay.
Today I ditched, I needed a break.
I got cross-faded and went on an adventure, I popped a tire.
Two hippie lesbians gave me a ride back to the Library where my friends hang out, I gave them a bud.
I smoked with some of Satan's ex-friends, it was fun.
Ivy just broke up with her boyfriend, so I hung out with her for the first time in months.
I've been hanging out a lot with her recently.
I seem to be hanging out with Satan's ex-friends a lot lately too.
Anyway, 420 was awesome and la dee da, I guess.
Idk, all I ever do these days is smoke weed and go on weird adventures.

Birthday Goodies

So let's go over what exactly happened this weekend.
Catwoman and I went to The Jester's house, smoked some weed and ate cannabis muffins.
We went to Ivy's friend's house, sat there aimlessly.
Ivy's friend's dad kinda kicked us out, because he thought that we were smoking weed.
The three of us were the only people in that house that hadn't smoked on the premises.
Their house reminded me of 50s suburbia.
We returned and got money for food from Catwoman's dad, The Jester left.
We accidentally ran into Satan while we were in the Taco Shop.
He walked over to us and asked us what we were doing, we left before he could start a conversation.
We fell asleep watching ghost adventures.
Catwoman and I woke up, went to lay in the sun by the pool, and then went to have adventures at Balboa Park.
I got a Tarot reading, the woman was dead on and it kinda scared me.
She told me I was waiting for love, because I've had a tumultuous childhood.
That there was some specific boy already in my life; that I have a wish for money, but have trouble saving it.
She told me to focus on my future.
We went back to Catwoman's house and I realised that the weekend was ending.
On my way to meet my step-dad out front, we saw Satan.
I get the strange feeling that he wanted to hang out with me.
I have no words for how much I really miss him, need him, wish I was with him.
It's the one thing that still causes me pain, but no.
I didn't even tell him goodbye.

Today

Chillin by the pool and car rides filled with cookie-cutter alternative music. But so far I like the way things have played out.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is what we call blogging on the go.

Spent the day at Balboa park and took lots of pictures.

It was a wonderful adventure with Catwoman, going to the International houses and all the pretty gardens.

It's been a great weekend, it's been relaxing.

Upon my departure from Catwoman's house, we saw Satan skateboarding down the street.

He stopped and began walking towards us, but just then I realised that my step-dad was across the street.

 "What are you guys doing?" Satan asked.
"Oh, God," I thought.

This had happened before, this same situation was the reason why Satan and I are no longer even on speaking terms.

(Which technically we aren't)

"Well, I'm going home," I replied to him.

He repeated what I said with something reminiscent of a sad, defeated look.

I wish I could've hugged him, talked to him for awhile.

Sometimes life hands you cards that are unlucky, so I crossed the street with my heart sinking.

I got into the car and waved goodbye to Catwoman, and like another cliche I drove into the sunset.